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Welcome friends and neighbors to the
Welcome
friends
and
neighbors
to
the
Late Show. I'm your host Stephen
Late
Show
I'm
your
host
Stephen
Colbert.
Colbert
>> [cheering]
>>
cheering
[cheering]
cheering
>> Folks, I try to remember not to be in
>>
Folks
I
try
to
remember
not
to
be
in
Washington, D.C. as often as possible.
Washington
DC
as
often
as
possible
But there is certainly no time I am
But
there
is
certainly
no
time
I
am
there less than the weekend of the White
there
less
than
the
weekend
of
the
White
House Correspondents Dinner.
House
Correspondents
Dinner
Which is why this Saturday I will again
Which
is
why
this
Saturday
I
will
again
not be.
not
be
>> [cheering]
>>
cheering
>> But
>>
But
But and it's a big but. But for reasons
But
and
it's
a
big
but
But
for
reasons
that are not clear to me, many others
that
are
not
clear
to
me
many
others
will.
will
If If you're not familiar with the White
If
If
you're
not
familiar
with
the
White
House Correspondents Dinner, it is
House
Correspondents
Dinner
it
is
traditionally a light-hearted night when
traditionally
a
light-hearted
night
when
the press and politicians get together
the
press
and
politicians
get
together
and in my personal experience stare in
and
in
my
personal
experience
stare
in
dead-eyed silence at the performer
dead-eyed
silence
at
the
performer
while the president mentally orders a
while
the
president
mentally
orders
a
hit by SEAL Team 6.
hit
by
SEAL
Team
6
>> [cheering]
>>
cheering
>> And this Saturday's dinner will be
>>
And
this
Saturday's
dinner
will
be
historic because this for the first time
historic
because
this
for
the
first
time
as President Donald Trump is attending
as
President
Donald
Trump
is
attending
and reportedly in his remarks he's
and
reportedly
in
his
remarks
he's
planning to attack the press and target
planning
to
attack
the
press
and
target
publications he has accused of writing
publications
he
has
accused
of
writing
negatively about his administration.
negatively
about
his
administration
No.
No
All you reporters are enemies of the
All
you
reporters
are
enemies
of
the
people.
people
I hate you all.
I
hate
you
all
And if you call me, I will pick up every
And
if
you
call
me
I
will
pick
up
every
time.
time
Seriously, anytime. Night or day. I'm
Seriously
anytime
Night
or
day
I'm
telling I will do that.
telling
I
will
do
that
>> [cheering and applause]
>>
cheering
and
applause
>> I will if I'm anywhere. If I'm on the
>>
I
will
if
I'm
anywhere
If
I'm
on
the
toilet, if I'm having dinner.
toilet
if
I'm
having
dinner
If I'm having dinner on the toilet,
If
I'm
having
dinner
on
the
toilet
okay?
okay
That's a real time saver, folks.
That's
a
real
time
saver
folks
The word is after he rips the press
The
word
is
after
he
rips
the
press
corps a new one, Trump is going to
corps
a
new
one
Trump
is
going
to
immediately leave so he will miss the
immediately
leave
so
he
will
miss
the
annual presentation of the press awards.
annual
presentation
of
the
press
awards
And I can understand why he's going to
And
I
can
understand
why
he's
going
to
dip because one of these awards, and
dip
because
one
of
these
awards
and
this is true, is going to go to Wall
this
is
true
is
going
to
go
to
Wall
Street Journal for its scoop about a
Street
Journal
for
its
scoop
about
a
certain birthday pubic doodle
certain
birthday
pubic
doodle
>> [cheering]
>>
cheering
>> for Jeffrey Epstein.
>>
for
Jeffrey
Epstein
>> [applause]
>>
applause
>> As well as another award for the
>>
As
well
as
another
award
for
the
photojournalist who took this picture of
photojournalist
who
took
this
picture
of
that time a man
that
time
a
man
had a medical emergency right there in
had
a
medical
emergency
right
there
in
the Oval Office and Trump just stood
the
Oval
Office
and
Trump
just
stood
there like he was waiting for a bus.
there
like
he
was
waiting
for
a
bus
>> [laughter]
>>
laughter
>> It's so crazy that he didn't help.
>>
It's
so
crazy
that
he
didn't
help
Especially now that we know that he is a
Especially
now
that
we
know
that
he
is
a
DOCTOR.
DOCTOR
He's right there.
He's
right
there
>> [cheering and applause]
>>
cheering
and
applause
>> He was right there.
>>
He
was
right
there
Nice. So nice. So generous. [applause]
Nice
So
nice
So
generous
applause
Contrary to tradition, this year no one
Contrary
to
tradition
this
year
no
one
will be roasting Trump because instead
will
be
roasting
Trump
because
instead
of a comedian, the White House
of
a
comedian
the
White
House
Correspondents Association hired
Correspondents
Association
hired
mentalist Oz Pearlman.
mentalist
Oz
Pearlman
Seen here foreseeing that you are not
Seen
here
foreseeing
that
you
are
not
going to like it when he honks your
going
to
like
it
when
he
honks
your
boob.
boob
>> [laughter]
>>
laughter
[laughter]
laughter
>> Today Pearlman hinted that Trump won't
>>
Today
Pearlman
hinted
that
Trump
won't
just be watching but participating in
just
be
watching
but
participating
in
his act saying "Reading Donald Trump's
his
act
saying
Reading
Donald
Trump's
mind is arguably the most impressive
mind
is
arguably
the
most
impressive
thing
thing
you could ever do."
you
could
ever
do
Really?
Really
Really reading his mind? When is he not
Really
reading
his
mind
When
is
he
not
immediately just blurt it out whatever's
immediately
just
blurt
it
out
whatever's
rattling around in his skull? I bet you
rattling
around
in
his
skull
I
bet
you
can't read my mind. What number am I
can't
read
my
mind
What
number
am
I
thinking of? Three.
thinking
of
Three
>> [laughter]
>>
laughter
>> Turning
>>
Turning
Reading his mind. Okay. Okay.
Reading
his
mind
Okay
Okay
Turning to the war with Iran, we have
Turning
to
the
war
with
Iran
we
have
breaking news.
breaking
news
>> [music]
>>
music
>> That there is no breaking news.
>>
That
there
is
no
breaking
news
In fact
In
fact
there's nothing going. There are no
there's
nothing
going
There
are
no
negotiations currently ongoing and Iran
negotiations
currently
ongoing
and
Iran
says it is impossible to reopen the
says
it
is
impossible
to
reopen
the
Strait of Hormuz amid flagrant ceasefire
Strait
of
Hormuz
amid
flagrant
ceasefire
breaches and Trump has doubled down by
breaches
and
Trump
has
doubled
down
by
also closing the Strait of Hormuz
also
closing
the
Strait
of
Hormuz
posting "We have total control over the
posting
We
have
total
control
over
the
Strait of Hormuz. No ship can enter or
Strait
of
Hormuz
No
ship
can
enter
or
leave without the approval of the United
leave
without
the
approval
of
the
United
States Navy. It is sealed up tight until
States
Navy
It
is
sealed
up
tight
until
such time as Iran is able to make a
such
time
as
Iran
is
able
to
make
a
deal."
deal
>> [laughter]
>>
laughter
>> He's saying the exact thing that they
>>
He's
saying
the
exact
thing
that
they
are.
are
They're both saying the same thing. I'm
They're
both
saying
the
same
thing
I'm
rubber and you're rubber.
rubber
and
you're
rubber
>> [laughter]
>>
laughter
>> We got two rubbers. Whatever bounces off
>>
We
got
two
rubbers
Whatever
bounces
off
me then bounces off you then bounces off
me
then
bounces
off
you
then
bounces
off
me again and it goes back and forth like
me
again
and
it
goes
back
and
forth
like
that for a while. And I'm sure you're
that
for
a
while
And
I'm
sure
you're
asking shouldn't there also be glue in
asking
shouldn't
there
also
be
glue
in
this metaphor? No.
this
metaphor
No
Because I sniffed it all.
Because
I
sniffed
it
all
High as a kite.
High
as
a
kite
>> [cheering]
>>
cheering
>> HIGH AS A
>>
HIGH
AS
A
>> [applause]
>>
applause
[cheering]
cheering
>> DESPITE CLOSING THE STRAIT HIMSELF, TRUMP
>>
DESPITE
CLOSING
THE
STRAIT
HIMSELF
TRUMP
is trying to clear out Iranian mines
is
trying
to
clear
out
Iranian
mines
that are out there. And also the
that
are
out
there
And
also
the
Iranians are putting boats out there to
Iranians
are
putting
boats
out
there
to
lay some more mines and Trump has said
lay
some
more
mines
and
Trump
has
said
"I have ordered the United States Navy
I
have
ordered
the
United
States
Navy
to shoot and kill any boat."
to
shoot
and
kill
any
boat
>> [laughter]
>>
laughter
>> Yes.
>>
Yes
He said kill.
He
said
kill
Sounds strange, but it was the plot every
Sounds
strange
but
it
was
the
plot
every
week on the hit mystery series Murder,
week
on
the
hit
mystery
series
Murder
She Wrote.
She
Wrote
>> [laughter]
>>
laughter
>> So good. Lansbury, amazing.
>>
So
good
Lansbury
amazing
And in a phone call with Fox News?
And
in
a
phone
call
with
Fox
News
In a phone call with Fox News, Trump
In
a
phone
call
with
Fox
News
Trump
said about the war "People say I want to
said
about
the
war
People
say
I
want
to
get it over because of the midterms. Not
get
it
over
because
of
the
midterms
Not
true. No timeframe. No rush." Yeah.
true
No
timeframe
No
rush
Yeah
What's the rush? It's like General
What's
the
rush
It's
like
General
Sherman famously said "War is chill."
Sherman
famously
said
War
is
chill
Yeah just
Yeah
just
>> [applause and cheering]
>>
applause
and
cheering
>> Take your time.
>>
Take
your
time
Take your time.
Take
your
time
>> [applause]
>>
applause
>> You know who would like some kind of
>>
You
know
who
would
like
some
kind
of
timeframe for the end of the war?
timeframe
for
the
end
of
the
war
Everyone else.
Everyone
else
Because, thanks to Trump's blunder, the
Because
thanks
to
Trump's
blunder
the
world's biggest airlines are canceling
world's
biggest
airlines
are
canceling
flights as they face jet fuel shortages
flights
as
they
face
jet
fuel
shortages
and rising prices. One carrier really
and
rising
prices
One
carrier
really
really affected by high fuel costs is
really
affected
by
high
fuel
costs
is
Spirit Airlines.
Spirit
Airlines
You know their slogan? Spirit Airlines,
You
know
their
slogan
Spirit
Airlines
you are allowed one carry-on to use as
you
are
allowed
one
carry-on
to
use
as
the bathroom.
the
bathroom
Yeah. You're not going to want to go in
Yeah
You're
not
going
to
want
to
go
in
there.
there
Spirit Spirit is on the verge of
Spirit
Spirit
is
on
the
verge
of
liquidation but reportedly they're in
liquidation
but
reportedly
they're
in
talks with the White House for a bailout
talks
with
the
White
House
for
a
bailout
and if it goes through, the US could end
and
if
it
goes
through
the
US
could
end
up owning 90% of the struggling budget
up
owning
90
of
the
struggling
budget
airline which led one analyst to say "I
airline
which
led
one
analyst
to
say
I
guess it would be the Amtrak of the
guess
it
would
be
the
Amtrak
of
the
skies."
skies
Someone say Amtrak?
Someone
say
Amtrak
>> [cheering]
>>
cheering
>> Hey.
>>
Hey
>> [applause and cheering]
>>
applause
and
cheering
>> Hey. WHAT'S UP, BARACK?
>>
Hey
WHAT'S
UP
BARACK
>> [cheering]
>>
cheering
>> He's a good guy.
>>
He's
a
good
guy
Good guy. Someone say Amtrak? 'Cause I am
Good
guy
Someone
say
Amtrak
'Cause
I
am
back Amtrak.
back
Amtrak
>> [cheering]
>>
cheering
>> There's already an Amtrak in the sky.
>>
There's
already
an
Amtrak
in
the
sky
It's called heaven. I'll be in the
It's
called
heaven
I'll
be
in
the
dining car with Jesus Christ, Jimmy
dining
car
with
Jesus
Christ
Jimmy
Carter and one of the Captain Jammer
Carter
and
one
of
the
Captain
Jammer
kids.
kids
Other one's in hell. He killed a guy.
Other
one's
in
hell
He
killed
a
guy
Come on, train.
Come
on
train
>> [laughter]
>>
laughter
>> Chill.
>>
Chill
Oh no.
Oh
no
Chill. Oh, no.
Chill
Oh
no
>> [applause]
>>
applause
[cheering]
cheering
>> Barack.
>>
Barack
>> [applause]
>>
applause
[cheering]
cheering
[applause]
applause
>> There's an update.
>>
There's
an
update
There. [laughter]
There
laughter
is.
is
>> [cheering]
>>
cheering
>> There's an update.
>>
There's
an
update
>> [applause]
>>
applause
>> There's an update about Health Secretary
>>
There's
an
update
about
Health
Secretary
RFK Jr. This week, Bobby has been
RFK
Jr
This
week
Bobby
has
been
testifying before Congress about
testifying
before
Congress
about
slashing HHS's new budget. But before I
slashing
HHS's
new
budget
But
before
I
talk about that, I got to tell you that
talk
about
that
I
got
to
tell
you
that
according to a new book about him, he
according
to
a
new
book
about
him
he
once sliced off a dead raccoon's penis
once
sliced
off
a
dead
raccoon's
penis
while his wife and kids waited in the
while
his
wife
and
kids
waited
in
the
minivan.
minivan
He took the genitals so he could, quote,
He
took
the
genitals
so
he
could
quote
study them later.
study
them
later
Hmm.
Hmm
Ah, yes. Day 20 of observing the raccoon
Ah
yes
Day
20
of
observing
the
raccoon
penis. It appears it appears that it is
penis
It
appears
it
appears
that
it
is
still impossible to understand why I did
still
impossible
to
understand
why
I
did
this.
this
>> [cheering and applause]
>>
cheering
and
applause
[applause]
applause
>> Anyway, old Secretary Weenie Slicer is
>>
Anyway
old
Secretary
Weenie
Slicer
is
in charge of your health, and yesterday
in
charge
of
your
health
and
yesterday
the Senate Finance Committee grilled him
the
Senate
Finance
Committee
grilled
him
about his role in recent measles
about
his
role
in
recent
measles
outbreaks. I'm not anti-vax. I've
outbreaks
I'm
not
anti-vax
I've
never been anti-vax. I've always said
never
been
anti-vax
I've
always
said
for 20 years I'm not anti-vaccine. Now
for
20
years
I'm
not
anti-vaccine
Now
that statement right there is what
that
statement
right
there
is
what
scientists call a lie 'cause
scientists
call
a
lie
'cause
in the past. You can check the record.
in
the
past
You
can
check
the
record
>> [cheering and applause]
>>
cheering
and
applause
>> Do we check? We did. In the past, he's
>>
Do
we
check
We
did
In
the
past
he's
falsely claimed that the measles vaccine
falsely
claimed
that
the
measles
vaccine
does not appear to provide maternal
does
not
appear
to
provide
maternal
immunity, includes aborted fetus debris,
immunity
includes
aborted
fetus
debris
and that protection from the vaccine
and
that
protection
from
the
vaccine
wanes very quickly. So he's claiming
wanes
very
quickly
So
he's
claiming
he's pro-vaccine is a major U-turn, which
he's
pro-vaccine
is
a
major
U-turn
which
is also what Bobby does whenever he sees
is
also
what
Bobby
does
whenever
he
sees
a raccoon penis in the road.
a
raccoon
penis
in
the
road
>> [applause]
>>
applause
>> Get that minivan.
>>
Get
that
minivan
>> [cheering]
>>
cheering
>> Jackknifes that minivan.
>>
Jackknifes
that
minivan
>> [applause]
>>
applause
>> Hey. [cheering]
>>
Hey
cheering
>> [applause]
>>
applause
>> We're here.
>>
We're
here
Somebody beat me to it.
Somebody
beat
me
to
it
>> [laughter]
>>
laughter
>> Obviously, he's trying to appear
>>
Obviously
he's
trying
to
appear
reasonable in front of Congress just
reasonable
in
front
of
Congress
just
there, which is a big ask for a man who
there
which
is
a
big
ask
for
a
man
who
looks like he has a disease called the
looks
like
he
has
a
disease
called
the
teriyaki madness.
teriyaki
madness
>> [laughter]
>>
laughter
>> But the weirdest part of RFK Jr.'s
>>
But
the
weirdest
part
of
RFK
Jr's
hearing wasn't what he said, it's what
hearing
wasn't
what
he
said
it's
what
he breathed. Listen to the health
he
breathed
Listen
to
the
health
secretary on the mic while being
secretary
on
the
mic
while
being
questioned. Most significant things that
questioned
Most
significant
things
that
you have done among the many that you
you
have
done
among
the
many
that
you
described in your testimony.
described
in
your
testimony
In that context, uh,
In
that
context
uh
>> [cheering and applause]
>>
cheering
and
applause
>> Is that a good sign when your
>>
Is
that
a
good
sign
when
your
health secretary breathes like a walrus
health
secretary
breathes
like
a
walrus
snorting lobster bisque?
snorting
lobster
bisque
>> [applause]
>>
applause
>> If he sounds like a bear getting
>>
If
he
sounds
like
a
bear
getting
autoerotic asphyxiated?
autoerotic
asphyxiated
>> [laughter]
>>
laughter
>> Like he's the first person in history to
>>
Like
he's
the
first
person
in
history
to
need a CPAP while awake?
need
a
CPAP
while
awake
WOO!
WOO
YEAH!
YEAH
Long-time viewers of The Late Show know
Long-time
viewers
of
The
Late
Show
know
that sound means we have news about fish
that
sound
means
we
have
news
about
fish
doing drugs because
doing
drugs
because
in a new study, salmon exposed to
in
a
new
study
salmon
exposed
to
cocaine traveled almost two times
cocaine
traveled
almost
two
times
farther per week than the control group.
farther
per
week
than
the
control
group
And they were three times more likely to
And
they
were
three
times
more
likely
to
start a band.
start
a
band
>> [laughter]
>>
laughter
>> Here's the scientific way they got
>>
Here's
the
scientific
way
they
got
the fish cranked on the powder.
the
fish
cranked
on
the
powder
Researchers took 105 wild Atlantic
Researchers
took
105
wild
Atlantic
salmon, exposed them to cocaine, then
salmon
exposed
them
to
cocaine
then
tracked their movements.
tracked
their
movements
And I believe we're, I'm told, we have a
And
I
believe
we're
I'm
told
we
have
a
statement from the leading scientist.
statement
from
the
leading
scientist
Say hello to my little fish.
Say
hello
to
my
little
fish
We got a great show for you tonight.
We
got
a
great
show
for
you
tonight
My guests are Senator [music]
My
guests
are
Senator
music
Elizabeth [cheering] Warren
Elizabeth
cheering
Warren
and
and
musician Michael Stipe. When we come
musician
Michael
Stipe
When
we
come
back, I will reveal my [cheering] big
back
I
will
reveal
my
cheering
big
post-Late Show plans. [music]
post-Late
Show
plans
music
Join us.
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