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SIT THE [BLEEP] DOWN.
SIT
THE
BLEEP
DOWN
WELCOME TO "THE LATE SHOW."
WELCOME
TO
THE
LATE
SHOW
I'M YOUR HOST, STEPHEN
COLBERT.
I'M
YOUR
HOST
STEPHEN
COLBERT
THIS IS THE FINAL WEEK OF
OUR SHOW.
THIS
IS
THE
FINAL
WEEK
OF
OUR
SHOW
SO MANY IMPORTANT THINGS
GOING ON IN THE WORLD BUT A
SO
MANY
IMPORTANT
THINGS
GOING
ON
IN
THE
WORLD
BUT
A
LOT OF THAT STUFF IS A DRAG.
LOT
OF
THAT
STUFF
IS
A
DRAG
SO I'M JUST GOING TO...
SO
I'M
JUST
GOING
TO
GO OVER HERE.
GO
OVER
HERE
HERE'S THE DEAL.
HERE'S
THE
DEAL
THIS ONE?
THIS
ONE
WE THOUGHT WE MIGHT JUST
TAKE IT A LITTLE EASY
WE
THOUGHT
WE
MIGHT
JUST
TAKE
IT
A
LITTLE
EASY
TONIGHT BECAUSE WE'VE BEEN
DOING THIS SHOW FOR ALMOST
TONIGHT
BECAUSE
WE'VE
BEEN
DOING
THIS
SHOW
FOR
ALMOST
11 YEARS.
11
YEARS
ALMOST 1800 SHOWS AT THIS
POINT.
ALMOST
1800
SHOWS
AT
THIS
POINT
MORE THAN 1800.
MORE
THAN
1800
WE DEFINITELY HAVE ENOUGH
MATERIAL FOR A BEST OF CLIP
WE
DEFINITELY
HAVE
ENOUGH
MATERIAL
FOR
A
BEST
OF
CLIP
SHOW BUT Y'ALL GOT YOUTUBE.
SHOW
BUT
Y'ALL
GOT
YOUTUBE
YOU DO IT.
YOU
DO
IT
WE THOUGHT, THIS IS JUST US
THINKING.
WE
THOUGHT
THIS
IS
JUST
US
THINKING
WE HAVE A FEW MORE FUN TO
SHOW YOU STUFF WE MADE BUT
WE
HAVE
A
FEW
MORE
FUN
TO
SHOW
YOU
STUFF
WE
MADE
BUT
NEVER REFERRED AND CALL IT THE
WORST OF "THE LATE SHOW"
NEVER
REFERRED
AND
CALL
IT
THE
WORST
OF
THE
LATE
SHOW
THERE, TECHNICALLY WHAT
YOU'RE ABOUT TO HEAR IS STILL
THERE
TECHNICALLY
WHAT
YOU'RE
ABOUT
TO
HEAR
IS
STILL
THE BEST WORST STUFF WE EVER
MADE.
THE
BEST
WORST
STUFF
WE
EVER
MADE
STILL, NOT GREAT.
STILL
NOT
GREAT
WE HAVE THE PERFECT LIVE
AUDIENCE FOR IT, THE PEOPLE
WE
HAVE
THE
PERFECT
LIVE
AUDIENCE
FOR
IT
THE
PEOPLE
WHO MADE IT!
WHO
MADE
IT
THAT'S RIGHT.
THAT'S
RIGHT
EVERYONE IN THIS THEATER
WHO WORKS ON MY STAFF WRITES A
EVERYONE
IN
THIS
THEATER
WHO
WORKS
ON
MY
STAFF
WRITES
A
HI EVERYBODY.
HI
EVERYBODY
THERE YOU GO.
THERE
YOU
GO
I WANT TO ASSURE YOU THEY
ARE NOT CLAPPING FOR ME
I
WANT
TO
ASSURE
YOU
THEY
ARE
NOT
CLAPPING
FOR
ME
BECAUSE I PAY THEM.
BECAUSE
I
PAY
THEM
BECAUSE SOON I WILL NOT.
BECAUSE
SOON
I
WILL
NOT
FOR ALL THE VIEWERS AT HOME
THIS IS HOW WE WERE HERE
FOR
ALL
THE
VIEWERS
AT
HOME
THIS
IS
HOW
WE
WERE
HERE
SPECIAL EVERY DAY.
SPECIAL
EVERY
DAY
I GET ON STAGE IN THE SUIT
AND MAKEUP AND MY STAFF
I
GET
ON
STAGE
IN
THE
SUIT
AND
MAKEUP
AND
MY
STAFF
WATCHES ME DO JOKES.
WATCHES
ME
DO
JOKES
SOMETIMES THEY LAUGH, GIVE
ME FEEDBACK.
SOMETIMES
THEY
LAUGH
GIVE
ME
FEEDBACK
AS A SPECIAL TREAT I LET
THEM WATCH ME EAT STEAMED
AS
A
SPECIAL
TREAT
I
LET
THEM
WATCH
ME
EAT
STEAMED
CHICKEN.
CHICKEN
HERE WE GO.
HERE
WE
GO
HERE YOU GO.
HERE
YOU
GO
HERE YOU GO.
HERE
YOU
GO
WHAT ABOUT TODAY?
WHAT
ABOUT
TODAY
OH, IT'S STEAMED CHICKEN.
OH
IT'S
STEAMED
CHICKEN
THERE WE GO.
THERE
WE
GO
LOUIS.
LOUIS
COME ON, ARE YOU IN?
COME
ON
ARE
YOU
IN
>> Louis: I CAN'T SAY NO.
>>
Louis:
I
CAN'T
SAY
NO
>> Stephen: IT'S OUR
TRADITION.
>>
Stephen:
IT'S
OUR
TRADITION
LOUIS TAKES THE PIECE OF THE
STEAMED CHICKEN.
LOUIS
TAKES
THE
PIECE
OF
THE
STEAMED
CHICKEN
NEVER THE LARGEST PIECE
BECAUSE THAT'S THE GUY HE
NEVER
THE
LARGEST
PIECE
BECAUSE
THAT'S
THE
GUY
HE
IS.
IS
THAT ONE SLICE OF CHICKEN IS
UNION MANDATED.
THAT
ONE
SLICE
OF
CHICKEN
IS
UNION
MANDATED
WHY DO WE HAVE ALL THE STUFF
THAT NEVER TOOK AIR?
WHY
DO
WE
HAVE
ALL
THE
STUFF
THAT
NEVER
TOOK
AIR
A LOT OF REASONS.
A
LOT
OF
REASONS
FOR ONE, SOMETIMES THE
ROUTERS DON'T COOPERATE
FOR
ONE
SOMETIMES
THE
ROUTERS
DON'T
COOPERATE
LIKE DURING THE 2016
PRESIDENTIAL ELECTION.
LIKE
DURING
THE
2016
PRESIDENTIAL
ELECTION
WE WERE DOING A LIVE SPECIAL
ON SHOWTIME.
WE
WERE
DOING
A
LIVE
SPECIAL
ON
SHOWTIME
AND NO COMMERCIAL BREAKS.
AND
NO
COMMERCIAL
BREAKS
AS THE RESULTS STARTED TO
COME IN, IT BECAME CLEAR
AS
THE
RESULTS
STARTED
TO
COME
IN
IT
BECAME
CLEAR
THAT WE HAD PLANNED FOR A
DIFFERENT OUTCOME.
THAT
WE
HAD
PLANNED
FOR
A
DIFFERENT
OUTCOME
WE WERE SO SURE THAT "THE
NEW YORK TIMES" PREDICTION
WE
WERE
SO
SURE
THAT
THE
NEW
YORK
TIMES
PREDICTION
NEEDLE WAS RIGHT, WE HIRED A
BUNCH OF NAKED MALE MODELS
NEEDLE
WAS
RIGHT
WE
HIRED
A
BUNCH
OF
NAKED
MALE
MODELS
WITH THE WORDS "I AM WITH
HER" PAINTED ON THEIR FULL
WITH
THE
WORDS
I
AM
WITH
HER
PAINTED
ON
THEIR
FULL
PLUMP BUTTS.
PLUMP
BUTTS
SADLY ALL OF THOSE MODELS
HAD TO BE PUT DOWN.
SADLY
ALL
OF
THOSE
MODELS
HAD
TO
BE
PUT
DOWN
LOUIS.
LOUIS
WE TRY TO SAVE THE BIT.
WE
TRY
TO
SAVE
THE
BIT
BETWEEN THOSE TWO BUTT BITS,
OUR COEXECUTIVE PRODUCER WAS
BETWEEN
THOSE
TWO
BUTT
BITS
OUR
COEXECUTIVE
PRODUCER
WAS
BACK STAGE SCREAMING INTO
HIS HEADSET "SCRUB THE
BACK
STAGE
SCREAMING
INTO
HIS
HEADSET
SCRUB
THE
BUTTS!
BUTTS
RIGHT?
RIGHT
>> THAT'S RIGHT.
>>
THAT'S
RIGHT
HE WAS MORE LIKE SCRUB THE
BUTTS!
HE
WAS
MORE
LIKE
SCRUB
THE
BUTTS
THAT NIGHT EVEN THE BUTTS
CRIED.
THAT
NIGHT
EVEN
THE
BUTTS
CRIED
>> Stephen: IF YOU KNEW THAT
TOOK ON MATT, YOU WOULD KNOW
>>
Stephen:
IF
YOU
KNEW
THAT
TOOK
ON
MATT
YOU
WOULD
KNOW
HOW IMPORTANT IT WAS FOR
THEM TO GET IN ONE MORE ASS
HOW
IMPORTANT
IT
WAS
FOR
THEM
TO
GET
IN
ONE
MORE
ASS
JOKE.
JOKE
THAT'S THE CLEANEST IT'S
EVER BEEN.
THAT'S
THE
CLEANEST
IT'S
EVER
BEEN
HARD TO BELIEVE BUT SOME
STUFF WE MADE IS THE WORST
HARD
TO
BELIEVE
BUT
SOME
STUFF
WE
MADE
IS
THE
WORST
WITHOUT HAVING ANYTHING TO
DO WITH POLITICS.
WITHOUT
HAVING
ANYTHING
TO
DO
WITH
POLITICS
IN 2020 WE PRODUCED A
THANKSGIVING SKETCH THAT I
IN
2020
WE
PRODUCED
A
THANKSGIVING
SKETCH
THAT
I
WAS PAGED AND AGREED TO
ALTHOUGH I HAVE NO MEMORY OF
WAS
PAGED
AND
AGREED
TO
ALTHOUGH
I
HAVE
NO
MEMORY
OF
DOING THAT.
DOING
THAT
FOR A PRODUCT CALLED EROTIC
BODY GRAVY TO BE USED FOR
FOR
A
PRODUCT
CALLED
EROTIC
BODY
GRAVY
TO
BE
USED
FOR
POST-THANKSGIVING DINNER SEX
BUT WHEN I WATCHED IT, I
POST-THANKSGIVING
DINNER
SEX
BUT
WHEN
I
WATCHED
IT
I
SAID THOSE ACTORS ARE WAY
TOO ATTRACTIVE FOR COMEDY.
SAID
THOSE
ACTORS
ARE
WAY
TOO
ATTRACTIVE
FOR
COMEDY
YOU GUYS ENDED UP JUST
MAKING SOFTCORE GRAVY PORN.
YOU
GUYS
ENDED
UP
JUST
MAKING
SOFTCORE
GRAVY
PORN
THAT'S AS MUCH OF IT AS
YOU'RE EVER GOING TO WANT TO
THAT'S
AS
MUCH
OF
IT
AS
YOU'RE
EVER
GOING
TO
WANT
TO
SAY, I PROMISE YOU.
SAY
I
PROMISE
YOU
TO MAKE MATTERS WORSE, THE
DAY THEY PLAYED THIS
TO
MAKE
MATTERS
WORSE
THE
DAY
THEY
PLAYED
THIS
COMMERCIAL FOR ME WAS JUST A
COUPLE DAYS BEFORE
COMMERCIAL
FOR
ME
WAS
JUST
A
COUPLE
DAYS
BEFORE
THANKSGIVING AND THEN PLAYED
IN REHEARSAL AND UNBEKNOWNST
THANKSGIVING
AND
THEN
PLAYED
IN
REHEARSAL
AND
UNBEKNOWNST
TO ME AT THE TIME OR ANYONE
ELSE MY APPENDIX HAD ALREADY
TO
ME
AT
THE
TIME
OR
ANYONE
ELSE
MY
APPENDIX
HAD
ALREADY
BURST BEFORE REHEARSAL AND
WAS LEAKING POISONOUS BILE
BURST
BEFORE
REHEARSAL
AND
WAS
LEAKING
POISONOUS
BILE
INTO MY ABDOMINAL CAVITY.
INTO
MY
ABDOMINAL
CAVITY
HERE'S MY ACTUAL REACTION
THAT IS SCREENING THE
HERE'S
MY
ACTUAL
REACTION
THAT
IS
SCREENING
THE
EROTIC BODY GRAVY SKETCH IN
REHEARSAL.
EROTIC
BODY
GRAVY
SKETCH
IN
REHEARSAL
>> YOU KNOW WHAT TO DO.
>>
YOU
KNOW
WHAT
TO
DO
>> WOW.
>>
WOW
WOW.
WOW
>> Stephen: IT'S HARD TO
TELL
>>
Stephen:
IT'S
HARD
TO
TELL
BUT MY FLY IS OPEN BECAUSE I
AM IN SO MUCH PAIN.
BUT
MY
FLY
IS
OPEN
BECAUSE
I
AM
IN
SO
MUCH
PAIN
WE FOUND OUT LATER AT THAT
POINT I WAS PRODUCING MY OWN
WE
FOUND
OUT
LATER
AT
THAT
POINT
I
WAS
PRODUCING
MY
OWN
BODY GRAVY.
BODY
GRAVY
IN THE SUMMER OF 2015 I HAVE
THIS IDEA TO INTERVIEW
IN
THE
SUMMER
OF
2015
I
HAVE
THIS
IDEA
TO
INTERVIEW
REALLY WONKY GUESTS.
REALLY
WONKY
GUESTS
LET'S DO WONKY STUFF BUT
LET'S KEEP IT INTERESTING.
LET'S
DO
WONKY
STUFF
BUT
LET'S
KEEP
IT
INTERESTING
I WOULD INTERVIEW THEM ON
THE NITRO ROLLER COASTER AT
I
WOULD
INTERVIEW
THEM
ON
THE
NITRO
ROLLER
COASTER
AT
SIX FLAGS GREAT AMERICA.
SIX
FLAGS
GREAT
AMERICA
WE SHOWED SOME OF THESE
INTERVIEWS LIKE MY INTERVIEW
WE
SHOWED
SOME
OF
THESE
INTERVIEWS
LIKE
MY
INTERVIEW
WITH PAUL KRUGMAN.
WITH
PAUL
KRUGMAN
WE NEVER SHOWED YOU ONE WHY
I SPOKE WITH A CONSTITUTIONAL
WE
NEVER
SHOWED
YOU
ONE
WHY
I
SPOKE
WITH
A
CONSTITUTIONAL
SCHOLAR.
SCHOLAR
I THOUGHT THE CONSTITUTION
WAS A PERFECT DOCUMENT.
I
THOUGHT
THE
CONSTITUTION
WAS
A
PERFECT
DOCUMENT
IT'S WRITTEN FOR US.
IT'S
WRITTEN
FOR
US
IT'S WRITTEN FOR, SAY THE
FIRST THREE WORDS WITH ME.
IT'S
WRITTEN
FOR
SAY
THE
FIRST
THREE
WORDS
WITH
ME
WHEEE THE PEOPLE!
WHEEE
THE
PEOPLE
HOW IS THE CONSTITUTION
BEING MISAPPLIED?
HOW
IS
THE
CONSTITUTION
BEING
MISAPPLIED
>> A SERIES OF DECISIONS >>
Stephen: THANK YOU.
>>
A
SERIES
OF
DECISIONS
>>
Stephen:
THANK
YOU
WE STOPPED DURING THAT
SEGMENT BECAUSE SHORTLY
WE
STOPPED
DURING
THAT
SEGMENT
BECAUSE
SHORTLY
AFTER THE NEWS ITSELF WAS
ENOUGH TO MAKE ME PUKE.
AFTER
THE
NEWS
ITSELF
WAS
ENOUGH
TO
MAKE
ME
PUKE
GOT A LOT MORE NEVER BEFORE
SEEN STUFF FOR YOU TONIGHT
GOT
A
LOT
MORE
NEVER
BEFORE
SEEN
STUFF
FOR
YOU
TONIGHT
SO STICK AROUND FOR MORE OF
THE BEST OF THE WORST OF
SO
STICK
AROUND
FOR
MORE
OF
THE
BEST
OF
THE
WORST
OF
"THE LATE SHOW."
THE
LATE
SHOW
IF YOU SEE ANYTHING YOU
DON'T LIKE, IT'S THEIR
IF
YOU
SEE
ANYTHING
YOU
DON'T
LIKE
IT'S
THEIR
FAULT!
FAULT
WE'LL BE RIGHT BACK WITH ALL
THE GRAPHICS THAT WERE TOO
WE'LL
BE
RIGHT
BACK
WITH
ALL
THE
GRAPHICS
THAT
WERE
TOO
HOT FOR TV.
HOT
FOR
TV
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