Watch and Learn - Insurrectionists Hit The Jackpot | A Middle East Chill Pill

Welcome, welcome one and all

and here out there to the late show.

am your host Stephen Colbert. Ladies and

gentlemen,

I'm excited too. You can feel the

excitement in this room. I'm excited

too. This Listen, this is our last week

and I have an exciting announcement. No,

this is actually very exciting. We may

be cancelled, but apparently the late

showhouse outlived the Constitution of

the United States

because yesterday, without any

congressional or court approval,

completely unilaterally, Donald Trump

gave himself a $1.8 billion

taxpayer-fueled slush fund.

You might remember that in January,

President Trump and his two sons, Don and

Eric filed

a $10 billion lawsuit against the IRS,

alleging that during his first

administration, the IRS willfully failed

to safeguard Trump's tax information

from unauthorized disclosure by a former

IRS contractor, Charles E. Littlejohn.

Now, I I got to ask, Mr. Little John,

did you actually do that?

>> YEAH.

NO, NO, NO, NO, NO. IVONNE. IVONNE. Not

that Little John.

>> What?

>> I'm I'm talking about the IRS guy,

Charles E. Little John.

>> OKAY.

>> Can we please just move on now?

>> Yeah.

>> Thank you. The judge in the case seemed

highly skeptical of this lawsuit. So to

get around the court's oversight

yesterday, Trump's lawyers and Trump's

DOJ, him on both sides, agreed to drop

the case and set up this slush fund. And

who exactly is this fund slushing? Well,

one group of lucky slushies could be

people prosecuted in connection with the

January 6 capital riot.

That means that means people who stormed

the capital, rubbed their poop on the

walls, assaulted police officers, and

tried to hang Vice President Mike Pence

could be getting this cash. But they

won't cuz Trump's going to steal it all.

Why is that, my educated guess? Because

the funds are going to be managed by a

five-person commission appointed by the

attorney general, though Trump would

have the right to remove any member at

will. So, I'd like to congratulate the

inaugural commission for Donald Trump

slush fund, Marco Rubio, Marco Rubio,

Marco Rubio, Marco Rubio, and Marco

Rubio.

No, he's from Florida. I think that

last guy's from Florida. Yeah, that

Rubio. Now, you might be saying, "Surely

this can't get more corrupt." Shut up.

I'm talking. And it can because most

egregiously, the guidelines announced by

the acting attorney general stipulate

once the funds are deposited into the

designated account, the United States

has no liability whatsoever for the

protection or safeguarding of those

funds, regardless of bank failure,

fraudulent transfers, or any other fraud

or misuse of the funds. So, it's just an

all you can fraud buffet. It's an it's

an unprecedented level of grift because

again funds of this scale typically are

either created by an act of Congress or

supervised by a court and this

settlement is just some piece of paper

they printed out saying that Trump can

do anything he wants with a bunch of

your money. Officer officer you can't

arrest me for you see I've already

laminated my homemade murder license.

This is not just fraud is legal now.

Today, the Justice Department posted an

addendum to the original settlement.

which says that the IRS is forever

barred and precluded from pursuing

examinations of Trump related or

affiliated individuals and related

trusts in businesses. So, he just gave

himself a get out of jail free card and

a way better one than Jeffrey Epstein

got.

>> Yeah.

Halfway around the world,

somebody owes me money.

Halfway around the world, Trump still

got his ding-dong caught in the door

hinge of the Middle East.

Negotiations with Iran have totally

stalled. So on Sunday, he went online

and posted, "For Iran, the clock is

ticking and they better get moving fast

or there won't be anything left of them.

Time is of the essence." You hear that?

Iran, get Iraq together or next week. I

don't know what will happen cuz I will

be in a hammock ass deep in a pinina

colada.

and

and a and a fantasy romance novel about

centaurs.

>> It's called It's called Trampled by

Passion.

This time, Trump backed up his tough

talk with some powerful AI slop. He

posted this image where he's pressing

the big red button that blows up the

Earth. There's a whole bunch of stupid

stuff in that picture. He appears also

to be blowing up his own command

console,

which of course would endanger his teeny

tiny generals on either side of him. Mr.

President, there's a fire. Quick,

everyone into this shoe.

So,

Trump is clearly ready to annihilate

Iran. And I'm sorry, what is that? Oh,

Trump says he's called off an attack on

Iran to give talks more time. I got to

say, these threats are getting less and

less effective the more he keeps

dragging them out. You want to step

outside, bro? Oh, you do? Well, it's

kind of chilly out there, so I'm going

to grab my jacket from Coach.

Okay, it looks like there's a pretty

long line, so it might be a while. And I

don't have singles for a tip, so let me

just go to the bar. You want something

while I'm in there? I'm buying. You can

hang out with my girlfriend till I'm

back. Then it is go time, bro time.

I don't understand why you did that, but

I accept.

Today, uh, Trump let us know why he's

decided to take a Middle East chill pill.

>> Other countries have come to me and

they've said we were getting ready to do

a very major attack tomorrow. I put it

off for a little while. Hopefully, maybe

forever, but possibly for a little

while.

>> Fun fact, hopefully maybe forever, but

possibly for a little while is also a

direct quote from Trump's wedding vows.

That's an oldie but a goodie. Yeah.

Today, amidst the news that he's sucking

up billions of tax player dollars like a

shopvac, Trump headed out to the pile of

rubble where the East Wing used to be to

talk ballroom. I think cuz it was a

little loud.

Give that to me.

As his polls get worse and worse, you

know, he's just going to keep finding

louder and louder places to answer

questions. I will now answer your

questions about Iran while I froth this

latte.

I can't hear you.

I also can't answer cuz I'm making the

sound with my own mouth.

Don't know how the machine works.

Trump gave us a preview of the

state-of-the-art construction job. It's

a very complex building. It's all knit

together. The roof goes with the ground

floor. The ground floor goes with the

roof. The roof also goes down into

the basement. Oh,

really?

That's fascinating. Mr. President, you

may not know this, sir, but there's

actually a special word for when the

roof goes all the way down to the

basement.

And that word is walls.

It has walls. You build a building. It

has a floor and a roof and in between.

>> Then he bragged about the classical

architecture style.

>> Take a look at this section. The

different facade.

So this is Greek

more or less. It comes out of Greece.

This is the ultimate facade for Greece.

>> Oh yes. Yes. Greece. I believe Greece is

the word. Tell me more. Tell me more.

What is wrong with your brain? Tell me

more. Tell me more. Were you on

Jeffrey's plane? Uh-huh. Uh-huh. Uh-huh.

Uh-huh. We got a great show for you

tonight.

Stephen Spielberg.

Stephen Spielberg is here. But when we

come back, Jon Stewart

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