Welcome, welcome one and all to the
Late
Show. I'm your host Steven Colbert.
Sit down.
If you're if you're just tuning in to
the Late Show, you missed a lot.
Tonight is our final broadcast from the
Ed Sullivan Theater where
>>
No, no, we were lucky enough to be here
for the last 11 years. All right, that
was Can't take this for granted
though. Actually, technically our first
show back in July of 2015 was from a
public access station in Monroe,
Michigan for an audience of 12 people.
And show business being what it is these
days, it's probably where you'll see me
next. There is so much history here in
the Ed Sullivan Theater, and we've been
honored to have been just a small part
of it. Nichols and May played on the
stage. The Beatles made their American
debut here. And this is true. This is
true. Backstage, Elvis used the bathroom
and didn't die.
We've We've had so much fun in this
theater. So many great segments. I'll
I'll miss doing first drafts where I
show the final draft of a greeting card
and then show the playfully wrong first
draft. Um so we we made one for tonight.
Um uh it's this one's pretty nice. This
is um this isn't goodbye.
It's see you later. Yes, but the uh
first draft said this isn't goodbye. How
do you start an Only Fans?
Yeah, I got the tootsies.
I got the nice tootsies.
Now, at first when we knew this was
going to be our last night, we were
planning on doing a huge special this
evening, but the thing is we like to
think every episode of The Late Show is
kind of special. And we thought the best
way to celebrate what we've done over
the last 11 years is just do a regular
episode where I come out here and talk
about the national conversation. And
undeniably today the big story that
everyone is talking about.
>>
Excuse me. Excuse
me.
>>
Brian
Brian
Brian Preston. Brian. Brian.
>>
So, but but you said there's there's
nothing special happening tonight.
>>
Well, I mean, as as I was saying, we're
doing a normal episode of the Late Show,
which is always kind of special.
>>
Oh, yeah. Yeah. Oh, absolutely. But, um,
not even like, I don't know, uh, a
surprise celebrity cameo popping up out
of nowhere.
>>
No, Brian, those always feel kind of
forced.
>>
Oh, yeah. Absolutely. Yeah, totally.
That's a a very cheap stunt, but uh Hey,
I'm I'm here.
Maybe I could be your last guest.
>>
That would that would be great, Brian.
The thing is, and I'm I'm right here. We
We already have a pretty special one
lined up. I'm sorry.
What the hell am I here for?
You know what? You can keep your stupid
hat. I'm gonna go sell my ticket.
Brian,
Brian,
Brian Cranston, everybody. That's too
bad. I feel bad.
>>
I feel terrible. Um, okay. Uh, moving
on. Big news. If you're looking to fly
in or out of New York, uh, cuz yesterday
morning, a sinkhole shut down a runway
at LaGuardia. Reportedly, crews found
the sinkhole while conducting a daily
morning inspection of the airport's
airfield. And yes, that is someone's
actual job. What? You thought my whole
inspector shirt was a joke?
It means what?
Holy mackerel. Is that why women won't
talk to me?
Weirdly,
weirdly, that wasn't the only gaping
hole to appear in New York City
yesterday because, and everyone is fine,
a school bus in the Bronx partially fell
into a sinkhole.
First Queens, then the Bronx. Even
sinkholes don't want to go to Staten
Island.
You know what? We better get off the air
quick before a giant sinkhole swallows
the Ed Sullivan.
Oh, there's a there's an update on the
folks who were exposed to hivirus on
that cruise ship a while ago. At least
two passengers were formally ordered to
stay in quarantine in Nebraska. Now,
this strict quarantine, I think, is
admirably cautious, especially
considering the nation's antivirus
response, is now being led by Dr. Brian
Christine, a penile implant specialist
and vaccine skeptic. Clearly, this guy
is not a fan of little pricks.
Thank you. Thank you very much. Dr.
Christine,
>>
Peabody, please.
>>
The smart choice.
Dr. Christine is an election denying
far-white rack job. Who who hosted a
YouTube series on erectile dysfunction
called Erection Connection.
Also the name of a very popular category
on Craigslist. We were on the same G
train Tuesday 8:30 a.m. You were in
jeans and a floral crop top. I had an
erection.
Oh my.
Over over in Italy, there's a spiciest
scandal brewing over Rome's sexy priest
calendar, the Calendario Romano, which
features close-ups of young, handsome
men in priestly attire and has been a
perennial Rome souvenir for the last two
decades. It's the kind of souvenir that
your mom buys as a joke and then puts up
in the kitchen as a joke.
Then on certain rainy mornings, you come
downstairs to find she's just drinking
her tea and staring at the calendar as a
joke.
Mom is so funny.
But yesterday, it was revealed that
Rome's sexy priest calendar cover model
never set foot in a seminary. And hold
on, I'm getting word that this is the
worst scandal to ever hit the Catholic
Church.
What? Okay, this is my deaf ear. Okay,
but I'm not surprised. Just looking at
them, you can tell those two men right
there are clearly fake priests. And I
know for a fact that pug is only a
deacon.
>>
Besides, if a calendar Hey, Stephen.
>>
What?
>>
Stephen.
>>
Paul Rudd.
Paul.
Paul. Paul, why are you interrupting me?
>>
I'm just curious when our interview
starts. I have an extremely long poem I
want to recite and I don't want to run
out of time.
>>
You You wrote a poem about me.
>>
I wrote a poem.
>>
Okay, that's nice. But Paul, just to be
clear, you're not my last guest.
>>
Really? Well, then I guess it's a little
awkward that I brought you the
traditional retirement gift.
>>
Oh. Oh my gosh, that's wonderful. Thank
you so much, Paul. Is it like uh like a
gold watch?
>>
What? No, I was going to give you the
traditional six bananas,
you know. Well, you always give people
who are retiring.
>>
Well, I'm I'm sorry, Paul, but I I'm
pretty sure that when someone's
retiring, you give them a gold watch.
>>
Oh, great. Well, then what am I supposed
to do with these five bananas?
>>
Wait a f five bananas. Hold on. I I
thought just a moment ago you said it
was six.
>>
I got hungry.
Now interview me.
Hey. Hey. Uh, listen, Paul Rudd.
>>
Yeah.
Thank you. Yeah, it's it's me, Tim
Meadows. Okay, listen. Steven's a great
guy. If he says you're not his last
guest, you just got to accept it.
>>
Hey, my old friend Tim Meadows. Timmy,
what what what are you?
>>
It's nice to see you as always, but what
what are you doing here, buddy?
>>
Um, I was just explaining to Paul Rudd
that you know, for your last guest, you
wanted someone you go back with so we
could talk about the good old days when
you and I were doing Second City
together.
>>
It It's not It's not you either, Tim.
SCREW YOU, COHEN.
YOU KNOW WHAT? YOU GOT WHAT YOU DESERVE.
GIVE ME THOSE BANANAS.
THANKS BUDDY.
Love you.
I'll tell you one thing. I'll tell you
one thing. It's nice. Nice fellas. I'll
tell you one thing. This show ending
does have one upside. I won't have to
talk about the inevitable rise of the
machine overlords.
You know, though I have recently been
given some hope for mankind in the form
of this new dancing robot from China.
Man,
that new Michael Jackson movie looks
good.
Now, a lot of people have been asking me
what I plan to do after tonight. And the
answer is drugs. But
here's the thing. I just found this out.
This just came out, right? The National
Marine Mammal Foundation in my beloved
home state of South Carolina has a
slightly different idea. Thank you.
Because down there they put up this
billboard saying, "Wanted former Late
Show host, burdened by whale related
childhood ambition." It's actually one
of a series of billboards targeted at me
from the Marine Mammal Foundation. And I
got to say, it is really flattering to
be considered, you know, and it's one of
the only billboards in South Carolina
that doesn't say, "Repent now, Bible is
real. Dial 1 800 hell for you. Cracker
barrel in two exits."
And here's the thing. I don't know how
they knew this, but it is true that as a
little boy, I grew up wanting to be
Jacques Cousteau. So, I really appreciate
the letter that they sent to me and they
put up on their website saying, "The
work is essential. The mission matters
deeply and the Dolphins are cautiously
optimistic about your availability.
What? The Dolphins know I got cancelled.
Wait, is that true? DOLPHINS,
we got a great show for you tonight.
It's going to be fun.
Stick around.
for me. Yeah.
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