Watch and Learn - There's Nothing Special About Stephen Colbert's Final Monologue At "The Late Show"

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Welcome, welcome one and all to the Late

Welcome welcome one and all to the Late

Show. I'm your host Steven Colbert.

Show I'm your host Steven Colbert

Sit down.

Sit down

If you're if you're just tuning in to

the Late Show, you missed a lot.

the Late Show you missed a lot

Tonight is our final broadcast from the

Ed Sullivan Theater where

>> No, no, we were lucky enough to be here

>> No no we were lucky enough to be here

for the last 11 years. All right, that

for the last 11 years All right that

was Can't take this for granted

though. Actually, technically our first

though Actually technically our first

show back in July of 2015 was from a

public access station in Monroe,

public access station in Monroe

Michigan for an audience of 12 people.

Michigan for an audience of 12 people

And show business being what it is these

days, it's probably where you'll see me

days it's probably where you'll see me

next. There is so much history here in

next There is so much history here in

the Ed Sullivan Theater, and we've been

the Ed Sullivan Theater and we've been

honored to have been just a small part

of it. Nichols and May played on the

of it Nichols and May played on the

stage. The Beatles made their American

stage The Beatles made their American

debut here. And this is true. This is

debut here And this is true This is

true. Backstage, Elvis used the bathroom

true Backstage Elvis used the bathroom

and didn't die.

and didn't die

We've We've had so much fun in this

theater. So many great segments. I'll

theater So many great segments I'll

I'll miss doing first drafts where I

show the final draft of a greeting card

and then show the playfully wrong first

draft. Um so we we made one for tonight.

draft Um so we we made one for tonight

Um uh it's this one's pretty nice. This

Um uh it's this one's pretty nice This

is um this isn't goodbye.

is um this isn't goodbye

It's see you later. Yes, but the uh

It's see you later Yes but the uh

first draft said this isn't goodbye. How

first draft said this isn't goodbye How

do you start an Only Fans?

do you start an Only Fans

Yeah, I got the tootsies.

Yeah I got the tootsies

I got the nice tootsies.

I got the nice tootsies

Now, at first when we knew this was

Now at first when we knew this was

going to be our last night, we were

going to be our last night we were

planning on doing a huge special this

evening, but the thing is we like to

evening but the thing is we like to

think every episode of The Late Show is

kind of special. And we thought the best

kind of special And we thought the best

way to celebrate what we've done over

the last 11 years is just do a regular

episode where I come out here and talk

about the national conversation. And

about the national conversation And

undeniably today the big story that

everyone is talking about.

everyone is talking about

>> Excuse me. Excuse

>> Excuse me Excuse

me.

>> Brian

Brian

Brian Preston. Brian. Brian.

Brian Preston Brian Brian

>> So, but but you said there's there's

>> So but but you said there's there's

nothing special happening tonight.

nothing special happening tonight

>> Well, I mean, as as I was saying, we're

>> Well I mean as as I was saying we're

doing a normal episode of the Late Show,

doing a normal episode of the Late Show

which is always kind of special.

which is always kind of special

>> Oh, yeah. Yeah. Oh, absolutely. But, um,

>> Oh yeah Yeah Oh absolutely But um

not even like, I don't know, uh, a

not even like I don't know uh a

surprise celebrity cameo popping up out

of nowhere.

of nowhere

>> No, Brian, those always feel kind of

>> No Brian those always feel kind of

forced.

forced

>> Oh, yeah. Absolutely. Yeah, totally.

>> Oh yeah Absolutely Yeah totally

That's a a very cheap stunt, but uh Hey,

That's a a very cheap stunt but uh Hey

I'm I'm here.

I'm I'm here

Maybe I could be your last guest.

Maybe I could be your last guest

>> That would that would be great, Brian.

>> That would that would be great Brian

The thing is, and I'm I'm right here. We

The thing is and I'm I'm right here We

We already have a pretty special one

lined up. I'm sorry.

lined up I'm sorry

What the hell am I here for?

What the hell am I here for

You know what? You can keep your stupid

You know what You can keep your stupid

hat. I'm gonna go sell my ticket.

hat I'm gonna go sell my ticket

Brian,

Brian

Brian,

Brian

Brian Cranston, everybody. That's too

Brian Cranston everybody That's too

bad. I feel bad.

bad I feel bad

>> I feel terrible. Um, okay. Uh, moving

>> I feel terrible Um okay Uh moving

on. Big news. If you're looking to fly

on Big news If you're looking to fly

in or out of New York, uh, cuz yesterday

in or out of New York uh cuz yesterday

morning, a sinkhole shut down a runway

morning a sinkhole shut down a runway

at LaGuardia. Reportedly, crews found

at LaGuardia Reportedly crews found

the sinkhole while conducting a daily

morning inspection of the airport's

airfield. And yes, that is someone's

airfield And yes that is someone's

actual job. What? You thought my whole

actual job What You thought my whole

inspector shirt was a joke?

inspector shirt was a joke

It means what?

It means what

Holy mackerel. Is that why women won't

Holy mackerel Is that why women won't

talk to me?

talk to me

Weirdly,

Weirdly

weirdly, that wasn't the only gaping

weirdly that wasn't the only gaping

hole to appear in New York City

yesterday because, and everyone is fine,

yesterday because and everyone is fine

a school bus in the Bronx partially fell

into a sinkhole.

into a sinkhole

First Queens, then the Bronx. Even

First Queens then the Bronx Even

sinkholes don't want to go to Staten

Island.

Island

You know what? We better get off the air

You know what We better get off the air

quick before a giant sinkhole swallows

the Ed Sullivan.

the Ed Sullivan

Oh, there's a there's an update on the

Oh there's a there's an update on the

folks who were exposed to hivirus on

that cruise ship a while ago. At least

that cruise ship a while ago At least

two passengers were formally ordered to

stay in quarantine in Nebraska. Now,

stay in quarantine in Nebraska Now

this strict quarantine, I think, is

this strict quarantine I think is

admirably cautious, especially

admirably cautious especially

considering the nation's antivirus

response, is now being led by Dr. Brian

response is now being led by Dr Brian

Christine, a penile implant specialist

Christine a penile implant specialist

and vaccine skeptic. Clearly, this guy

and vaccine skeptic Clearly this guy

is not a fan of little pricks.

is not a fan of little pricks

Thank you. Thank you very much. Dr.

Thank you Thank you very much Dr

Christine,

Christine

>> Peabody, please.

>> Peabody please

>> The smart choice.

>> The smart choice

Dr. Christine is an election denying

Dr Christine is an election denying

far-white rack job. Who who hosted a

far-white rack job Who who hosted a

YouTube series on erectile dysfunction

called Erection Connection.

called Erection Connection

Also the name of a very popular category

on Craigslist. We were on the same G

on Craigslist We were on the same G

train Tuesday 8:30 a.m. You were in

train Tuesday 8:30 am You were in

jeans and a floral crop top. I had an

jeans and a floral crop top I had an

erection.

erection

Oh my.

Oh my

Over over in Italy, there's a spiciest

Over over in Italy there's a spiciest

scandal brewing over Rome's sexy priest

calendar, the Calendario Romano, which

calendar the Calendario Romano which

features close-ups of young, handsome

features close-ups of young handsome

men in priestly attire and has been a

perennial Rome souvenir for the last two

decades. It's the kind of souvenir that

decades It's the kind of souvenir that

your mom buys as a joke and then puts up

in the kitchen as a joke.

in the kitchen as a joke

Then on certain rainy mornings, you come

Then on certain rainy mornings you come

downstairs to find she's just drinking

her tea and staring at the calendar as a

joke.

joke

Mom is so funny.

Mom is so funny

But yesterday, it was revealed that

But yesterday it was revealed that

Rome's sexy priest calendar cover model

never set foot in a seminary. And hold

never set foot in a seminary And hold

on, I'm getting word that this is the

on I'm getting word that this is the

worst scandal to ever hit the Catholic

Church.

Church

What? Okay, this is my deaf ear. Okay,

What Okay this is my deaf ear Okay

but I'm not surprised. Just looking at

but I'm not surprised Just looking at

them, you can tell those two men right

them you can tell those two men right

there are clearly fake priests. And I

there are clearly fake priests And I

know for a fact that pug is only a

deacon.

deacon

>> Besides, if a calendar Hey, Stephen.

>> Besides if a calendar Hey Stephen

>> What?

>> What

>> Stephen.

>> Stephen

>> Paul Rudd.

>> Paul Rudd

Paul.

Paul

Paul. Paul, why are you interrupting me?

Paul Paul why are you interrupting me

>> I'm just curious when our interview

starts. I have an extremely long poem I

starts I have an extremely long poem I

want to recite and I don't want to run

out of time.

out of time

>> You You wrote a poem about me.

>> You You wrote a poem about me

>> I wrote a poem.

>> I wrote a poem

>> Okay, that's nice. But Paul, just to be

>> Okay that's nice But Paul just to be

clear, you're not my last guest.

clear you're not my last guest

>> Really? Well, then I guess it's a little

>> Really Well then I guess it's a little

awkward that I brought you the

traditional retirement gift.

traditional retirement gift

>> Oh. Oh my gosh, that's wonderful. Thank

>> Oh Oh my gosh that's wonderful Thank

you so much, Paul. Is it like uh like a

you so much Paul Is it like uh like a

gold watch?

gold watch

>> What? No, I was going to give you the

>> What No I was going to give you the

traditional six bananas,

traditional six bananas

you know. Well, you always give people

you know Well you always give people

who are retiring.

who are retiring

>> Well, I'm I'm sorry, Paul, but I I'm

>> Well I'm I'm sorry Paul but I I'm

pretty sure that when someone's

retiring, you give them a gold watch.

retiring you give them a gold watch

>> Oh, great. Well, then what am I supposed

>> Oh great Well then what am I supposed

to do with these five bananas?

to do with these five bananas

>> Wait a f five bananas. Hold on. I I

>> Wait a f five bananas Hold on I I

thought just a moment ago you said it

was six.

was six

>> I got hungry.

>> I got hungry

Now interview me.

Now interview me

Hey. Hey. Uh, listen, Paul Rudd.

Hey Hey Uh listen Paul Rudd

>> Yeah.

>> Yeah

Thank you. Yeah, it's it's me, Tim

Thank you Yeah it's it's me Tim

Meadows. Okay, listen. Steven's a great

Meadows Okay listen Steven's a great

guy. If he says you're not his last

guy If he says you're not his last

guest, you just got to accept it.

guest you just got to accept it

>> Hey, my old friend Tim Meadows. Timmy,

>> Hey my old friend Tim Meadows Timmy

what what what are you?

what what what are you

>> It's nice to see you as always, but what

>> It's nice to see you as always but what

what are you doing here, buddy?

what are you doing here buddy

>> Um, I was just explaining to Paul Rudd

>> Um I was just explaining to Paul Rudd

that you know, for your last guest, you

that you know for your last guest you

wanted someone you go back with so we

could talk about the good old days when

you and I were doing Second City

together.

together

>> It It's not It's not you either, Tim.

>> It It's not It's not you either Tim

SCREW YOU, COHEN.

SCREW YOU COHEN

YOU KNOW WHAT? YOU GOT WHAT YOU DESERVE.

YOU KNOW WHAT YOU GOT WHAT YOU DESERVE

GIVE ME THOSE BANANAS.

GIVE ME THOSE BANANAS

THANKS BUDDY.

THANKS BUDDY

Love you.

Love you

I'll tell you one thing. I'll tell you

I'll tell you one thing I'll tell you

one thing. It's nice. Nice fellas. I'll

one thing It's nice Nice fellas I'll

tell you one thing. This show ending

tell you one thing This show ending

does have one upside. I won't have to

does have one upside I won't have to

talk about the inevitable rise of the

machine overlords.

machine overlords

You know, though I have recently been

You know though I have recently been

given some hope for mankind in the form

of this new dancing robot from China.

of this new dancing robot from China

Man,

Man

that new Michael Jackson movie looks

good.

good

Now, a lot of people have been asking me

Now a lot of people have been asking me

what I plan to do after tonight. And the

what I plan to do after tonight And the

answer is drugs. But

answer is drugs But

here's the thing. I just found this out.

here's the thing I just found this out

This just came out, right? The National

This just came out right The National

Marine Mammal Foundation in my beloved

home state of South Carolina has a

slightly different idea. Thank you.

slightly different idea Thank you

Because down there they put up this

billboard saying, "Wanted former Late

billboard saying Wanted former Late

Show host, burdened by whale related

Show host burdened by whale related

childhood ambition." It's actually one

childhood ambition It's actually one

of a series of billboards targeted at me

from the Marine Mammal Foundation. And I

from the Marine Mammal Foundation And I

got to say, it is really flattering to

got to say it is really flattering to

be considered, you know, and it's one of

be considered you know and it's one of

the only billboards in South Carolina

that doesn't say, "Repent now, Bible is

that doesn't say Repent now Bible is

real. Dial 1 800 hell for you. Cracker

real Dial 1 800 hell for you Cracker

barrel in two exits."

barrel in two exits

And here's the thing. I don't know how

And here's the thing I don't know how

they knew this, but it is true that as a

they knew this but it is true that as a

little boy, I grew up wanting to be

little boy I grew up wanting to be

Jacques Cousteau. So, I really appreciate

Jacques Cousteau So I really appreciate

the letter that they sent to me and they

put up on their website saying, "The

put up on their website saying The

work is essential. The mission matters

work is essential The mission matters

deeply and the Dolphins are cautiously

optimistic about your availability.

optimistic about your availability

What? The Dolphins know I got cancelled.

What The Dolphins know I got cancelled

Wait, is that true? DOLPHINS,

Wait is that true DOLPHINS

we got a great show for you tonight.

we got a great show for you tonight

It's going to be fun.

It's going to be fun

Stick around.

Stick around

for me. Yeah.

for me Yeah

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