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Thanks friends. Please thank you very
Thanks friends Please thank you very
much. Very kind. Welcome one and all
much Very kind Welcome one and all
ladies and [cheering] gentlemen
ladies and cheering gentlemen
to the late show. I am your host Steven
to the late show I am your host Steven
Colbear. And ladies and gentlemen,
Colbear And ladies and gentlemen
[cheering]
cheering
if there's if there's one thing Donald
if there's if there's one thing Donald
Trump wants, it's a hamburger. If
Trump wants it's a hamburger If
there's if there's a second thing,
there's if there's a second thing
though, it would be to make you think
though it would be to make you think
that you're crazy.
that you're crazy
That's why periodically I like to remind
That's why periodically I like to remind
all of you that you're not crazy. What's
all of you that you're not crazy What's
happening is crazy. And today [cheering]
happening is crazy And today cheering
and today [applause]
and today applause
in the pages of Vanity Fair they
in the pages of Vanity Fair they
confirmed it. Who's they
confirmed it Who's they
crazies?
crazies
You see, o over the over the last year,
You see o over the over the last year
Vanity Fair has conducted 11 on there
Vanity Fair has conducted 11 on there
interviews with Trump's chief of staff,
interviews with Trump's chief of staff
a woman named Susie Wilds. The article
a woman named Susie Wilds The article
dropped today and Susie dished bish.
dropped today and Susie dished bish
[cheering]
cheering
It was kind of surprising. People are
It was kind of surprising People are
kind of shocked by how frank she was.
kind of shocked by how frank she was
She started with her boss even though he
She started with her boss even though he
doesn't drink. While says Trump has an
doesn't drink While says Trump has an
alcoholic's personality.
alcoholic's personality
I believe that. And frankly, I think
I believe that And frankly I think
it's amazing he doesn't drink cuz he
it's amazing he doesn't drink cuz he
sure sounds like it.
sure sounds like it
>> An anonymous really an anonymous
>> An anonymous really an anonymous
electrocution as a result.
electrocution as a result
>> We just said another sock rocket.
>> We just said another sock rocket
>> Dead head fed fed hair.
>> Dead head fed fed hair
>> You're going to see some statistics
>> You're going to see some statistics
statistics coming out. God bless the
statistics coming out God bless the
United States.
United States
So for the last 11 months, we have
So for the last 11 months we have
watched Trump politicize the Justice
watched Trump politicize the Justice
Department in unprecedented ways to go
Department in unprecedented ways to go
after his political enemies like like
after his political enemies like like
James Comey and Leticia James. But Wilds
James Comey and Leticia James But Wilds
assured the interviewer that Trump is
assured the interviewer that Trump is
not constantly thinking about
not constantly thinking about
retribution. But she also said in some
retribution But she also said in some
cases it may look like retribution and
cases it may look like retribution and
there may be an element of that from
there may be an element of that from
time to time. Who would blame him? Not
time to time Who would blame him Not
me.
me
Okay. Uh, then I'll do it. [snorts]
Okay Uh then I'll do it snorts
Donald Trump,
Donald Trump
I
I
blame you.
blame you
[cheering]
cheering
I
I
[applause and cheering]
applause and cheering
>> did he reside?
>> did he reside
No. Okay. I really thought the fingers
No Okay I really thought the fingers
would do it.
would do it
Now, Wilds also defended her boss. uh
Now Wilds also defended her boss uh
sort of uh admitting that Trump was on
sort of uh admitting that Trump was on
Epstein's plane. He's on the manifest.
Epstein's plane He's on the manifest
They were, you know, sort of young,
They were you know sort of young
single, whatever. I know it's a pass a
single whatever I know it's a pass a
word, but sort of young single playboys
word but sort of young single playboys
together. Yes. Young, single, sometimes
together Yes Young single sometimes
married playboys in their 40s and 50s.
married playboys in their 40s and 50s
Couple of carefree rap scallions
Couple of carefree rap scallions
partying with teenage girls and
partying with teenage girls and
splitting a box of colo guard. You know,
splitting a box of colo guard You know
youth.
youth
Wilds. [cheering]
Wilds cheering
Wilds Wilds was asked uh in December
Wilds Wilds was asked uh in December
about Trump falling asleep uh in all
about Trump falling asleep uh in all
those cabinet meetings and she replied,
those cabinet meetings and she replied
"He's not asleep. He's got his eyes
He's not asleep He's got his eyes
closed and his head leaned back and you
closed and his head leaned back and you
know he's fine. He's fine. His head's
know he's fine He's fine His head's
leaned back. Little drool in the corner
leaned back Little drool in the corner
of his mouth." He keeps muttering, "Honk
of his mouth He keeps muttering Honk
shoe, honk shoe." Every once in a while,
shoe honk shoe Every once in a while
his legs move like he's chasing a
his legs move like he's chasing a
rabbit. You know,
rabbit You know
[applause and cheering] not asleep.
applause and cheering not asleep
According [laughter]
According laughter
to Wilds, as part of her job, she keeps
to Wilds as part of her job she keeps
a freestanding video monitor next to the
a freestanding video monitor next to the
fireplace in her Westwing office with a
fireplace in her Westwing office with a
live feed of Trump's social media posts.
live feed of Trump's social media posts
So, there's fire and a constant stream
So there's fire and a constant stream
of Trump social media posts. Are you
of Trump social media posts Are you
sure that's your office? Cuz it sounds
sure that's your office Cuz it sounds
like hell to me.
like hell to me
This [cheering] was
This cheering was
[applause]
applause
Wilds. Wilds was far less generous to
Wilds Wilds was far less generous to
former first buddy Elon Musk, saying
former first buddy Elon Musk saying
he's an avowed ketamine user and he
he's an avowed ketamine user and he
sleeps in a sleeping bag in the
sleeps in a sleeping bag in the
executive office building in the
executive office building in the
daytime. Well, okay. We don't know that
daytime Well okay We don't know that
he's sleeping. He could just be leaning
he's sleeping He could just be leaning
back with his eyes closed
back with his eyes closed
in his awake bag. He's fine.
in his awake bag He's fine
In the interview, Wilds attacked Musk's
In the interview Wilds attacked Musk's
destruction of USAID,
destruction of USAID
uh, which until this year distributed
uh which until this year distributed
tons of vital aid to the world's
tons of vital aid to the world's
poorest. She went after the way Musk
poorest She went after the way Musk
eviscerated their budget, saying no
eviscerated their budget saying no
rational person could think the US aid
rational person could think the US aid
process was a good one. Nobody. Well,
process was a good one Nobody Well
good for her for speaking out now that
good for her for speaking out now that
it's way too late.
it's way too late
explains why the first aid choking signs
explains why the first aid choking signs
in the White House say step one point,
in the White House say step one point
step two laugh, step three gossip to
step two laugh step three gossip to
vanity fair. [cheering]
vanity fair cheering
Wilds does not [applause]
Wilds does not applause
the [applause] best. Wilds does seem to
the applause best Wilds does seem to
have a soft spot for one cabinet member.
have a soft spot for one cabinet member
She referred to HHS Secretary Robert F.
She referred to HHS Secretary Robert F
Kennedy Jr. as my Bobby and quirky
Kennedy Jr as my Bobby and quirky
Bobby. My god, how does he have this
Bobby My god how does he have this
effect on women? I don't get it. I mean,
effect on women I don't get it I mean
it's like they take one look into his
it's like they take one look into his
blue [laughter]
blue laughter
his blue
his blue
like
like
glacier blue eyes. And
glacier blue eyes And
I mean, wow. I mean,
I mean wow I mean
[cheering] he's he's so
cheering he's he's so
he's
he's
so [cheering] he's so quirky. I
so cheering he's so quirky I
I love poetry.
I love poetry
Along with the article, I really got
Along with the article I really got
into that there. I really got into that.
into that there I really got into that
Along with the article, Vanity Fair
Along with the article Vanity Fair
published some of the most harrowing
published some of the most harrowing
photos of the Trump administration to
photos of the Trump administration to
date. And uh evidently they threw on a
date And uh evidently they threw on a
camera lens that they borrowed from the
camera lens that they borrowed from the
Hubble Space Telescope. Cuz here's Suzie
Hubble Space Telescope Cuz here's Suzie
Wilds.
Wilds
Not sure what's happening. It looks like
Not sure what's happening It looks like
she's watching Steven Miller unhinge his
she's watching Steven Miller unhinge his
jaw to swallow a Labradoodle.
jaw to swallow a Labradoodle
They also they also published this photo
They also they also published this photo
of JD Vance. That is [cheering]
of JD Vance That is cheering
that is actually the view from the space
that is actually the view from the space
between the couch cushions.
between the couch cushions
And there's
And there's
>> [cheering]
>> cheering
[applause]
applause
>> What's up? [cheering]
>> What's up cheering
[applause]
applause
>> What's up?
>> What's up
[applause]
applause
[cheering]
cheering
It was a photo of Caroline Levit that is
It was a photo of Caroline Levit that is
so detailed
so detailed
that you can see what some speculate are
that you can see what some speculate are
injection sites for her lip filler.
injection sites for her lip filler
Either that or she was bitten by uh what
Either that or she was bitten by uh what
was it again, Mr. President?
was it again Mr President
>> The black mamba. the Brown Mumba and the
>> The black mamba the Brown Mumba and the
Viper from Peru.
Viper from Peru
>> Now, Trump uh he's going full speed
>> Now Trump uh he's going full speed
ahead uh on his plan to replace the
ahead uh on his plan to replace the
entire East Wing with his big dumb
entire East Wing with his big dumb
golden ballroom, even though the
golden ballroom even though the
National Trust is presently trying to
National Trust is presently trying to
stop him with a lawsuit. In response,
stop him with a lawsuit In response
the administration is saying the
the administration is saying the
ballroom construction is a matter of
ballroom construction is a matter of
national security, probably because the
national security probably because the
East Wing had sat at top an emergency
East Wing had sat at top an emergency
operations bunker for the president. So
operations bunker for the president So
now they need to build the ballroom to
now they need to build the ballroom to
cover the bunker. That is going to make
cover the bunker That is going to make
for some weird party vibes. Well, uh,
for some weird party vibes Well uh
thanks for coming everybody. Uh, please
thanks for coming everybody Uh please
enjoy the music and the shrimp while I
enjoy the music and the shrimp while I
lift this hatch and climb down this
lift this hatch and climb down this
ladder for no reason whatsoever. Ivanka,
ladder for no reason whatsoever Ivanka
come with me. Eric, stay.
come with me Eric stay
[cheering]
cheering
Ivanka, bring the shrimp. Let's go.
Ivanka bring the shrimp Let's go
Let's go. Let's get the shrimp. Let's
Let's go Let's get the shrimp Let's
get the bring the [applause]
get the bring the applause
bring the shrimp. Now,
bring the shrimp Now
obviously [applause]
obviously applause
obviously there's a lot of rough news
obviously there's a lot of rough news
out there. you know, these days if
out there you know these days if
you're paying attention. So, I always
you're paying attention So I always
like to jump at the chance to share a
like to jump at the chance to share a
feel-good animal story. And we've got
feel-good animal story And we've got
another one because today we learned
another one because today we learned
cockroaches could be the future of
cockroaches could be the future of
spycraft. Okay, here's No, you're not
spycraft Okay here's No you're not
disgusted. You're interested. Here's the
disgusted You're interested Here's the
deal. A tech company is taking
deal A tech company is taking
cockroaches, aka nature's restaurant
cockroaches aka nature's restaurant
review system, and and outfitting the
review system and and outfitting the
cockroaches with cameras and tiny
cockroaches with cameras and tiny
microphones, so they can be sent on
microphones so they can be sent on
missions like in this AI video the
missions like in this AI video the
company made where roach spies
company made where roach spies
infiltrate an evil warehouse. This way,
infiltrate an evil warehouse This way
this way, our cockroaches can bring back
this way our cockroaches can bring back
priceless intelligence about where the
priceless intelligence about where the
Russians hide their open bags of potato
Russians hide their open bags of potato
chips.
chips
>> [cheering]
>> cheering
>> The company also says that the bugs can
>> The company also says that the bugs can
be used for search and rescue missions.
be used for search and rescue missions
All right, everybody. We've been trapped
All right everybody We've been trapped
in this cave for days, but I've got some
in this cave for days but I've got some
good news. A bunch of roaches just
good news A bunch of roaches just
crawled in. [cheering]
crawled in cheering
This all comes from a German startup
This all comes from a German startup
called Swarm Bioteactics.
called Swarm Bioteactics
And yes, that sounds ominous, but in
And yes that sounds ominous but in
German it's just Swam Bioteactics.
German it's just Swam Bioteactics
>> [applause]
>> applause
[cheering]
cheering
>> swam
>> swam
swactics.
swactics
[applause]
applause
The spyroach company was profiled by 60
The spyroach company was profiled by 60
Minutes Bill Whitaker on Sunday. And
Minutes Bill Whitaker on Sunday And
don't worry, Swarm's top secret military
don't worry Swarm's top secret military
cockroach testing facility is very
cockroach testing facility is very
humane.
humane
>> Swarm's insect neuroscientists attach
>> Swarm's insect neuroscientists attach
electrodes to the roach's antenna. They
electrodes to the roach's antenna They
insist this doesn't hurt.
insist this doesn't hurt
>> I'm sorry. Did you say that it doesn't
>> I'm sorry Did you say that it doesn't
hurt? I I couldn't hear you over the
hurt I I couldn't hear you over the
cockroach grinder 3000.
cockroach grinder 3000
Oh, yeah. He loves this.
Oh yeah He loves this
He loves this. No, it's great. That's
He loves this No it's great That's
his happy Twitch.
his happy Twitch
Now,
Now
Whitaker also got a chance uh to meet
Whitaker also got a chance uh to meet
the spy bugs, which, fun fact, have been
the spy bugs which fun fact have been
turned into humanity cyborg invertebrate
turned into humanity cyborg invertebrate
slaves.
slaves
>> This is a left turn, and this is a right
>> This is a left turn and this is a right
turn. He let me take control.
turn He let me take control
>> Wow.
>> Wow
>> Bill Whitaker's grandkids are going to
>> Bill Whitaker's grandkids are going to
be so thrilled this Christmas.
be so thrilled this Christmas
I know you wanted Mario Kart, but I got
I know you wanted Mario Kart but I got
you Grand Theft Cockroach.
you Grand Theft Cockroach
[cheering] The species. How are we doing
cheering The species How are we doing
over there? [applause] You doing all
over there applause You doing all
right? The species of cockroach they
right The species of cockroach they
selected to infiltrate our enemy's top
selected to infiltrate our enemy's top
secret headquarters is the Madagascar
secret headquarters is the Madagascar
hissing cockroach. Ah, yes. the loudest
hissing cockroach Ah yes the loudest
cockroach. Excellent choice for spying.
cockroach Excellent choice for spying
And for our next top secret stealth
And for our next top secret stealth
missions, we're sending the Hungarian
missions we're sending the Hungarian
scream donkeys.
scream donkeys
We got a great show for you tonight.
We got a great show for you tonight
[music]
music
My guests are Anderson Cooper [cheering]
My guests are Anderson Cooper cheering
and Andy Cohen. And when we come back,
and Andy Cohen And when we come back
Lania Trump. Would you look at that?
Lania Trump Would you look at that
Stick around.
Stick around
Heat. Heat.
Heat Heat
[music]
music
[music]
music
[music]
music
>> [cheering]
>> cheering
- Pause

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