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Thanks friends. Please thank you very
Thanks
friends
Please
thank
you
very
much. Very kind. Welcome one and all
much
Very
kind
Welcome
one
and
all
ladies and [cheering] gentlemen
ladies
and
cheering
gentlemen
to the late show. I am your host Steven
to
the
late
show
I
am
your
host
Steven
Colbear. And ladies and gentlemen,
Colbear
And
ladies
and
gentlemen
[cheering]
cheering
if there's if there's one thing Donald
if
there's
if
there's
one
thing
Donald
Trump wants, it's a hamburger. If
Trump
wants
it's
a
hamburger
If
there's if there's a second thing,
there's
if
there's
a
second
thing
though, it would be to make you think
though
it
would
be
to
make
you
think
that you're crazy.
that
you're
crazy
That's why periodically I like to remind
That's
why
periodically
I
like
to
remind
all of you that you're not crazy. What's
all
of
you
that
you're
not
crazy
What's
happening is crazy. And today [cheering]
happening
is
crazy
And
today
cheering
and today [applause]
and
today
applause
in the pages of Vanity Fair they
in
the
pages
of
Vanity
Fair
they
confirmed it. Who's they
confirmed
it
Who's
they
crazies?
crazies
You see, o over the over the last year,
You
see
o
over
the
over
the
last
year
Vanity Fair has conducted 11 on there
Vanity
Fair
has
conducted
11
on
there
interviews with Trump's chief of staff,
interviews
with
Trump's
chief
of
staff
a woman named Susie Wilds. The article
a
woman
named
Susie
Wilds
The
article
dropped today and Susie dished bish.
dropped
today
and
Susie
dished
bish
[cheering]
cheering
It was kind of surprising. People are
It
was
kind
of
surprising
People
are
kind of shocked by how frank she was.
kind
of
shocked
by
how
frank
she
was
She started with her boss even though he
She
started
with
her
boss
even
though
he
doesn't drink. While says Trump has an
doesn't
drink
While
says
Trump
has
an
alcoholic's personality.
alcoholic's
personality
I believe that. And frankly, I think
I
believe
that
And
frankly
I
think
it's amazing he doesn't drink cuz he
it's
amazing
he
doesn't
drink
cuz
he
sure sounds like it.
sure
sounds
like
it
>> An anonymous really an anonymous
>>
An
anonymous
really
an
anonymous
electrocution as a result.
electrocution
as
a
result
>> We just said another sock rocket.
>>
We
just
said
another
sock
rocket
>> Dead head fed fed hair.
>>
Dead
head
fed
fed
hair
>> You're going to see some statistics
>>
You're
going
to
see
some
statistics
statistics coming out. God bless the
statistics
coming
out
God
bless
the
United States.
United
States
So for the last 11 months, we have
So
for
the
last
11
months
we
have
watched Trump politicize the Justice
watched
Trump
politicize
the
Justice
Department in unprecedented ways to go
Department
in
unprecedented
ways
to
go
after his political enemies like like
after
his
political
enemies
like
like
James Comey and Leticia James. But Wilds
James
Comey
and
Leticia
James
But
Wilds
assured the interviewer that Trump is
assured
the
interviewer
that
Trump
is
not constantly thinking about
not
constantly
thinking
about
retribution. But she also said in some
retribution
But
she
also
said
in
some
cases it may look like retribution and
cases
it
may
look
like
retribution
and
there may be an element of that from
there
may
be
an
element
of
that
from
time to time. Who would blame him? Not
time
to
time
Who
would
blame
him
Not
me.
me
Okay. Uh, then I'll do it. [snorts]
Okay
Uh
then
I'll
do
it
snorts
Donald Trump,
Donald
Trump
I
I
blame you.
blame
you
[cheering]
cheering
I
I
[applause and cheering]
applause
and
cheering
>> did he reside?
>>
did
he
reside
No. Okay. I really thought the fingers
No
Okay
I
really
thought
the
fingers
would do it.
would
do
it
Now, Wilds also defended her boss. uh
Now
Wilds
also
defended
her
boss
uh
sort of uh admitting that Trump was on
sort
of
uh
admitting
that
Trump
was
on
Epstein's plane. He's on the manifest.
Epstein's
plane
He's
on
the
manifest
They were, you know, sort of young,
They
were
you
know
sort
of
young
single, whatever. I know it's a pass a
single
whatever
I
know
it's
a
pass
a
word, but sort of young single playboys
word
but
sort
of
young
single
playboys
together. Yes. Young, single, sometimes
together
Yes
Young
single
sometimes
married playboys in their 40s and 50s.
married
playboys
in
their
40s
and
50s
Couple of carefree rap scallions
Couple
of
carefree
rap
scallions
partying with teenage girls and
partying
with
teenage
girls
and
splitting a box of colo guard. You know,
splitting
a
box
of
colo
guard
You
know
youth.
youth
Wilds. [cheering]
Wilds
cheering
Wilds Wilds was asked uh in December
Wilds
Wilds
was
asked
uh
in
December
about Trump falling asleep uh in all
about
Trump
falling
asleep
uh
in
all
those cabinet meetings and she replied,
those
cabinet
meetings
and
she
replied
"He's not asleep. He's got his eyes
He's
not
asleep
He's
got
his
eyes
closed and his head leaned back and you
closed
and
his
head
leaned
back
and
you
know he's fine. He's fine. His head's
know
he's
fine
He's
fine
His
head's
leaned back. Little drool in the corner
leaned
back
Little
drool
in
the
corner
of his mouth." He keeps muttering, "Honk
of
his
mouth
He
keeps
muttering
Honk
shoe, honk shoe." Every once in a while,
shoe
honk
shoe
Every
once
in
a
while
his legs move like he's chasing a
his
legs
move
like
he's
chasing
a
rabbit. You know,
rabbit
You
know
[applause and cheering] not asleep.
applause
and
cheering
not
asleep
According [laughter]
According
laughter
to Wilds, as part of her job, she keeps
to
Wilds
as
part
of
her
job
she
keeps
a freestanding video monitor next to the
a
freestanding
video
monitor
next
to
the
fireplace in her Westwing office with a
fireplace
in
her
Westwing
office
with
a
live feed of Trump's social media posts.
live
feed
of
Trump's
social
media
posts
So, there's fire and a constant stream
So
there's
fire
and
a
constant
stream
of Trump social media posts. Are you
of
Trump
social
media
posts
Are
you
sure that's your office? Cuz it sounds
sure
that's
your
office
Cuz
it
sounds
like hell to me.
like
hell
to
me
This [cheering] was
This
cheering
was
[applause]
applause
Wilds. Wilds was far less generous to
Wilds
Wilds
was
far
less
generous
to
former first buddy Elon Musk, saying
former
first
buddy
Elon
Musk
saying
he's an avowed ketamine user and he
he's
an
avowed
ketamine
user
and
he
sleeps in a sleeping bag in the
sleeps
in
a
sleeping
bag
in
the
executive office building in the
executive
office
building
in
the
daytime. Well, okay. We don't know that
daytime
Well
okay
We
don't
know
that
he's sleeping. He could just be leaning
he's
sleeping
He
could
just
be
leaning
back with his eyes closed
back
with
his
eyes
closed
in his awake bag. He's fine.
in
his
awake
bag
He's
fine
In the interview, Wilds attacked Musk's
In
the
interview
Wilds
attacked
Musk's
destruction of USAID,
destruction
of
USAID
uh, which until this year distributed
uh
which
until
this
year
distributed
tons of vital aid to the world's
tons
of
vital
aid
to
the
world's
poorest. She went after the way Musk
poorest
She
went
after
the
way
Musk
eviscerated their budget, saying no
eviscerated
their
budget
saying
no
rational person could think the US aid
rational
person
could
think
the
US
aid
process was a good one. Nobody. Well,
process
was
a
good
one
Nobody
Well
good for her for speaking out now that
good
for
her
for
speaking
out
now
that
it's way too late.
it's
way
too
late
explains why the first aid choking signs
explains
why
the
first
aid
choking
signs
in the White House say step one point,
in
the
White
House
say
step
one
point
step two laugh, step three gossip to
step
two
laugh
step
three
gossip
to
vanity fair. [cheering]
vanity
fair
cheering
Wilds does not [applause]
Wilds
does
not
applause
the [applause] best. Wilds does seem to
the
applause
best
Wilds
does
seem
to
have a soft spot for one cabinet member.
have
a
soft
spot
for
one
cabinet
member
She referred to HHS Secretary Robert F.
She
referred
to
HHS
Secretary
Robert
F
Kennedy Jr. as my Bobby and quirky
Kennedy
Jr
as
my
Bobby
and
quirky
Bobby. My god, how does he have this
Bobby
My
god
how
does
he
have
this
effect on women? I don't get it. I mean,
effect
on
women
I
don't
get
it
I
mean
it's like they take one look into his
it's
like
they
take
one
look
into
his
blue [laughter]
blue
laughter
his blue
his
blue
like
like
glacier blue eyes. And
glacier
blue
eyes
And
I mean, wow. I mean,
I
mean
wow
I
mean
[cheering] he's he's so
cheering
he's
he's
so
he's
he's
so [cheering] he's so quirky. I
so
cheering
he's
so
quirky
I
I love poetry.
I
love
poetry
Along with the article, I really got
Along
with
the
article
I
really
got
into that there. I really got into that.
into
that
there
I
really
got
into
that
Along with the article, Vanity Fair
Along
with
the
article
Vanity
Fair
published some of the most harrowing
published
some
of
the
most
harrowing
photos of the Trump administration to
photos
of
the
Trump
administration
to
date. And uh evidently they threw on a
date
And
uh
evidently
they
threw
on
a
camera lens that they borrowed from the
camera
lens
that
they
borrowed
from
the
Hubble Space Telescope. Cuz here's Suzie
Hubble
Space
Telescope
Cuz
here's
Suzie
Wilds.
Wilds
Not sure what's happening. It looks like
Not
sure
what's
happening
It
looks
like
she's watching Steven Miller unhinge his
she's
watching
Steven
Miller
unhinge
his
jaw to swallow a Labradoodle.
jaw
to
swallow
a
Labradoodle
They also they also published this photo
They
also
they
also
published
this
photo
of JD Vance. That is [cheering]
of
JD
Vance
That
is
cheering
that is actually the view from the space
that
is
actually
the
view
from
the
space
between the couch cushions.
between
the
couch
cushions
And there's
And
there's
>> [cheering]
>>
cheering
[applause]
applause
>> What's up? [cheering]
>>
What's
up
cheering
[applause]
applause
>> What's up?
>>
What's
up
[applause]
applause
[cheering]
cheering
It was a photo of Caroline Levit that is
It
was
a
photo
of
Caroline
Levit
that
is
so detailed
so
detailed
that you can see what some speculate are
that
you
can
see
what
some
speculate
are
injection sites for her lip filler.
injection
sites
for
her
lip
filler
Either that or she was bitten by uh what
Either
that
or
she
was
bitten
by
uh
what
was it again, Mr. President?
was
it
again
Mr
President
>> The black mamba. the Brown Mumba and the
>>
The
black
mamba
the
Brown
Mumba
and
the
Viper from Peru.
Viper
from
Peru
>> Now, Trump uh he's going full speed
>>
Now
Trump
uh
he's
going
full
speed
ahead uh on his plan to replace the
ahead
uh
on
his
plan
to
replace
the
entire East Wing with his big dumb
entire
East
Wing
with
his
big
dumb
golden ballroom, even though the
golden
ballroom
even
though
the
National Trust is presently trying to
National
Trust
is
presently
trying
to
stop him with a lawsuit. In response,
stop
him
with
a
lawsuit
In
response
the administration is saying the
the
administration
is
saying
the
ballroom construction is a matter of
ballroom
construction
is
a
matter
of
national security, probably because the
national
security
probably
because
the
East Wing had sat at top an emergency
East
Wing
had
sat
at
top
an
emergency
operations bunker for the president. So
operations
bunker
for
the
president
So
now they need to build the ballroom to
now
they
need
to
build
the
ballroom
to
cover the bunker. That is going to make
cover
the
bunker
That
is
going
to
make
for some weird party vibes. Well, uh,
for
some
weird
party
vibes
Well
uh
thanks for coming everybody. Uh, please
thanks
for
coming
everybody
Uh
please
enjoy the music and the shrimp while I
enjoy
the
music
and
the
shrimp
while
I
lift this hatch and climb down this
lift
this
hatch
and
climb
down
this
ladder for no reason whatsoever. Ivanka,
ladder
for
no
reason
whatsoever
Ivanka
come with me. Eric, stay.
come
with
me
Eric
stay
[cheering]
cheering
Ivanka, bring the shrimp. Let's go.
Ivanka
bring
the
shrimp
Let's
go
Let's go. Let's get the shrimp. Let's
Let's
go
Let's
get
the
shrimp
Let's
get the bring the [applause]
get
the
bring
the
applause
bring the shrimp. Now,
bring
the
shrimp
Now
obviously [applause]
obviously
applause
obviously there's a lot of rough news
obviously
there's
a
lot
of
rough
news
out there. you know, these days if
out
there
you
know
these
days
if
you're paying attention. So, I always
you're
paying
attention
So
I
always
like to jump at the chance to share a
like
to
jump
at
the
chance
to
share
a
feel-good animal story. And we've got
feel-good
animal
story
And
we've
got
another one because today we learned
another
one
because
today
we
learned
cockroaches could be the future of
cockroaches
could
be
the
future
of
spycraft. Okay, here's No, you're not
spycraft
Okay
here's
No
you're
not
disgusted. You're interested. Here's the
disgusted
You're
interested
Here's
the
deal. A tech company is taking
deal
A
tech
company
is
taking
cockroaches, aka nature's restaurant
cockroaches
aka
nature's
restaurant
review system, and and outfitting the
review
system
and
and
outfitting
the
cockroaches with cameras and tiny
cockroaches
with
cameras
and
tiny
microphones, so they can be sent on
microphones
so
they
can
be
sent
on
missions like in this AI video the
missions
like
in
this
AI
video
the
company made where roach spies
company
made
where
roach
spies
infiltrate an evil warehouse. This way,
infiltrate
an
evil
warehouse
This
way
this way, our cockroaches can bring back
this
way
our
cockroaches
can
bring
back
priceless intelligence about where the
priceless
intelligence
about
where
the
Russians hide their open bags of potato
Russians
hide
their
open
bags
of
potato
chips.
chips
>> [cheering]
>>
cheering
>> The company also says that the bugs can
>>
The
company
also
says
that
the
bugs
can
be used for search and rescue missions.
be
used
for
search
and
rescue
missions
All right, everybody. We've been trapped
All
right
everybody
We've
been
trapped
in this cave for days, but I've got some
in
this
cave
for
days
but
I've
got
some
good news. A bunch of roaches just
good
news
A
bunch
of
roaches
just
crawled in. [cheering]
crawled
in
cheering
This all comes from a German startup
This
all
comes
from
a
German
startup
called Swarm Bioteactics.
called
Swarm
Bioteactics
And yes, that sounds ominous, but in
And
yes
that
sounds
ominous
but
in
German it's just Swam Bioteactics.
German
it's
just
Swam
Bioteactics
>> [applause]
>>
applause
[cheering]
cheering
>> swam
>>
swam
swactics.
swactics
[applause]
applause
The spyroach company was profiled by 60
The
spyroach
company
was
profiled
by
60
Minutes Bill Whitaker on Sunday. And
Minutes
Bill
Whitaker
on
Sunday
And
don't worry, Swarm's top secret military
don't
worry
Swarm's
top
secret
military
cockroach testing facility is very
cockroach
testing
facility
is
very
humane.
humane
>> Swarm's insect neuroscientists attach
>>
Swarm's
insect
neuroscientists
attach
electrodes to the roach's antenna. They
electrodes
to
the
roach's
antenna
They
insist this doesn't hurt.
insist
this
doesn't
hurt
>> I'm sorry. Did you say that it doesn't
>>
I'm
sorry
Did
you
say
that
it
doesn't
hurt? I I couldn't hear you over the
hurt
I
I
couldn't
hear
you
over
the
cockroach grinder 3000.
cockroach
grinder
3000
Oh, yeah. He loves this.
Oh
yeah
He
loves
this
He loves this. No, it's great. That's
He
loves
this
No
it's
great
That's
his happy Twitch.
his
happy
Twitch
Now,
Now
Whitaker also got a chance uh to meet
Whitaker
also
got
a
chance
uh
to
meet
the spy bugs, which, fun fact, have been
the
spy
bugs
which
fun
fact
have
been
turned into humanity cyborg invertebrate
turned
into
humanity
cyborg
invertebrate
slaves.
slaves
>> This is a left turn, and this is a right
>>
This
is
a
left
turn
and
this
is
a
right
turn. He let me take control.
turn
He
let
me
take
control
>> Wow.
>>
Wow
>> Bill Whitaker's grandkids are going to
>>
Bill
Whitaker's
grandkids
are
going
to
be so thrilled this Christmas.
be
so
thrilled
this
Christmas
I know you wanted Mario Kart, but I got
I
know
you
wanted
Mario
Kart
but
I
got
you Grand Theft Cockroach.
you
Grand
Theft
Cockroach
[cheering] The species. How are we doing
cheering
The
species
How
are
we
doing
over there? [applause] You doing all
over
there
applause
You
doing
all
right? The species of cockroach they
right
The
species
of
cockroach
they
selected to infiltrate our enemy's top
selected
to
infiltrate
our
enemy's
top
secret headquarters is the Madagascar
secret
headquarters
is
the
Madagascar
hissing cockroach. Ah, yes. the loudest
hissing
cockroach
Ah
yes
the
loudest
cockroach. Excellent choice for spying.
cockroach
Excellent
choice
for
spying
And for our next top secret stealth
And
for
our
next
top
secret
stealth
missions, we're sending the Hungarian
missions
we're
sending
the
Hungarian
scream donkeys.
scream
donkeys
We got a great show for you tonight.
We
got
a
great
show
for
you
tonight
[music]
music
My guests are Anderson Cooper [cheering]
My
guests
are
Anderson
Cooper
cheering
and Andy Cohen. And when we come back,
and
Andy
Cohen
And
when
we
come
back
Lania Trump. Would you look at that?
Lania
Trump
Would
you
look
at
that
Stick around.
Stick
around
Heat. Heat.
Heat
Heat
[music]
music
[music]
music
[music]
music
>> [cheering]
>>
cheering
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