Watch and Learn - A Long Snake Tale | Trump: We're Building An Arc | "Slop" Of The Year

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Welcome one and all to the Late Show.

Welcome one and all to the Late Show

I'm your host Steven Colbert. [cheering]

I'm your host Steven Colbert cheering

Ladies and gentlemen,

Ladies and gentlemen

first of all, let me start off by saying

first of all let me start off by saying

happy Hanukkah.

happy Hanukkah

[cheering]

cheering

>> Yesterday, yesterday uh our president

>> Yesterday yesterday uh our president

celebrated uh the first night of

Hanukkah by holding a Christmas party uh

where he told a story that somehow

lasted eight nights.

lasted eight nights

[applause and cheering]

applause and cheering

Let me set the scene. Let me set the

Let me set the scene Let me set the

scene. Ladies and gentlemen, uh Trump's

scene Ladies and gentlemen uh Trump's

in a front of a group of families,

in a front of a group of families

including small children, who are

including small children who are

waiting to see Santa, which knowing this

waiting to see Santa which knowing this

administration is probably a shirtless

Rudolph.

Rudolph

Um I'm sorry, remind me who flies his

Um I'm sorry remind me who flies his

sleigh,

sleigh

>> right? Two Ravens.

>> right Two Ravens

Anyway, [laughter]

Anyway laughter

rather than uh giving some canned

remarks, Trump decided to do a little

remarks Trump decided to do a little

crowd work uh when he spots a man whose

name is uh Dr. James Jones and is

name is uh Dr James Jones and is

inspired to tell this story.

inspired to tell this story

>> Dr. Jones went on a trip to Peru with

>> Dr Jones went on a trip to Peru with

the two Obama girls. It's known for

the two Obama girls It's known for

being a rather rough place in terms of

physical creatures crawling around.

physical creatures crawling around

>> Yes, [laughter]

>> Yes laughter

physical creatures crawling around.

physical creatures crawling around

Take one second to think of the word

animal.

animal

[laughter]

laughter

[cheering]

cheering

It's right on the tip. I know the word.

It's right on the tip I know the word

I know,

I know

folks. I know the word. It's right on

folks I know the word It's right on

the tip of my

physical creature crawling around

[cheering] in my mouth. The pig the pink

cheering in my mouth The pig the pink

tasting worm. But [laughter]

tasting worm But laughter

he's right. Peru is known for being a

he's right Peru is known for being a

rough place loaded with dangerous

physical creatures. They've got this one

physical creatures They've got this one

little bear who is a maniac for

marmalade. [laughter]

marmalade laughter

No, you you were telling us how

No you you were telling us how

dangerous Peru was.

dangerous Peru was

>> 28,000 people die a year from a snake

>> 28000 people die a year from a snake

bite. A certain snake. It's a viper,

bite A certain snake It's a viper

right?

right

This is a speech about Christmas.

This is a speech about Christmas

You might be thinking, naturally, you

You might be thinking naturally you

might be thinking, "Why snakes?" Have

might be thinking Why snakes Have

you forgotten the immortal words of Tiny

Tim? OH GOD, IT GOT ME. SUCK THE POISON

Tim OH GOD IT GOT ME SUCK THE POISON

OUT. HIT IT WITH A CRUTCH, YOU IDIOT.

OUT HIT IT WITH A CRUTCH YOU IDIOT

[applause] ALSO, God bless us everyone.

applause ALSO God bless us everyone

That's how that ends. Also, quick uh

That's how that ends Also quick uh

fact check here. He said 28,000 people

fact check here He said 28000 people

die a year from snake bites in Peru.

die a year from snake bites in Peru

That sounds overexaggerated.

That sounds overexaggerated

>> That's not overexaggerated.

>> That's not overexaggerated

>> Yes, it is. [cheering]

>> Yes it is cheering

>> Yes, it is. And don't interrupt me. Um,

>> Yes it is And don't interrupt me Um

we have fact checkers and our fact

checkers fact checked the actual number

of people who died from snake bites in

Peru from the years 2000 to 2015. A

Peru from the years 2000 to 2015 A

period of time when one imagines the

story took place is 10 total [cheering]

story took place is 10 total cheering

in 15 years. Okay, so let's do that

in 15 years Okay so let's do that

math. Let's see how far off he was. He

math Let's see how far off he was He

said, he said 28,000 every year

said he said 28000 every year

multiplied by 15 factored into 10 over

15 and the answer is

dementia. Now,

dementia Now

there you go. He uh [cheering]

there you go He uh cheering

Oh, I got you. I got you on that one. I

Oh I got you I got you on that one I

was there. [applause and cheering]

was there applause and cheering

>> He uh he he snakied on.

>> He uh he he snakied on

>> Final day, final two hours.

>> Final day final two hours

He gets hit

>> by a viper,

>> by a viper

right? This is a terrible Christmas

right This is a terrible Christmas

story.

story

What makes you say that? I believe it'll

What makes you say that I believe it'll

be a beloved holiday tale, just like

be a beloved holiday tale just like

that classic Samuel L. Jackson movie.

that classic Samuel L Jackson movie

>> I have had it with these Merry Christmas

snakes on this happy Hanukkah plate.

snakes on this happy Hanukkah plate

>> [cheering]

>> cheering

>> Long story short, long story short, uh

>> Long story short long story short uh

the doctor in his story gets bitten and

that's bad. So naturally, you're

that's bad So naturally you're

wondering how powerful was this snake?

wondering how powerful was this snake

>> It's so powerful. The snake said to be

>> It's so powerful The snake said to be

the most po that the black mamba, the

the most po that the black mamba the

brown mamba, and the viper from Peru.

brown mamba and the viper from Peru

The black mamba. The brown mamba. The

The black mamba The brown mamba The

mamba number five.

mamba number five

A little bit of Monica bite a snake. A

A little bit of Monica bite a snake A

little bit of Erica bit by a snake. A

little bit of Erica bit by a snake A

little bit of Rita bit by a snake. A

little bit of Rita bit by a snake A

little bit of Tina electrocution.

little bit of Tina electrocution

[cheering and applause]

cheering and applause

Didn't expect the electrocution, did

Didn't expect the electrocution did

you? The story, this story, which I need

you The story this story which I need

you to know went on for nearly 10

minutes, [laughter]

minutes laughter

was full of wholesome details about what

happened after Dr. Jones was bitten.

happened after Dr Jones was bitten

>> He's being read his rights and his This

is They thought he was dead three times.

is They thought he was dead three times

Three different times.

Three different times

>> This is a terrible story for a room full

of children.

of children

But great viral marketing for Anaconda,

But great viral marketing for Anaconda

starring my guest tonight, Paul Rudd,

starring my guest tonight Paul Rudd

[cheering]

cheering

now considered a Christmas movie.

now considered a Christmas movie

[applause]

applause

[cheering]

cheering

As you can see, Trump had his holiday

As you can see Trump had his holiday

fun, but he also used this Christmas

fun but he also used this Christmas

party to make a big policy announcement.

party to make a big policy announcement

We have a policy thing that's going to

be unbelievable happening. Should I

be unbelievable happening Should I

announce it or should I keep it quiet?

announce it or should I keep it quiet

Oh,

>> please, please, please announce your new

>> please please please announce your new

policy and initiative. Is it a way to

policy and initiative Is it a way to

help with affordability? Is it a plan to

help with affordability Is it a plan to

keep health care premiums from

skyrocketing? Please, sir, please. What

skyrocketing Please sir please What

is this unbelievable policy thing?

is this unbelievable policy thing

>> We're building an arc like the Arctic

Triumph. It will be like the one in in

Triumph It will be like the one in in

Paris, but to be honest with you, it

Paris but to be honest with you it

blows it away. Blows it away. Look, to

blows it away Blows it away Look to

be honest with you, if I have to be, not

be honest with you if I have to be not

my first choice, but [laughter]

my first choice but laughter

to be honest, yes, we're going to it's

to be honest yes we're going to it's

going to be better than the Ark than

Paris.

Paris

It's a better arc than Paris, a bigger

It's a better arc than Paris a bigger

bend than London. We're going to make an

bend than London We're going to make an

even leaner tower of pizza. That's our

even leaner tower of pizza That's our

motto.

motto

No one out pizzas the Trump. That's

No one out pizzas the Trump That's

plurbassoon. That's what that means.

plurbassoon That's what that means

[cheering and applause] Sorry. Can I Can

cheering and applause Sorry Can I Can

I skip for a second? Skip for a second.

I skip for a second Skip for a second

There you go. [applause] Got a little

There you go applause Got a little

juicy there for a second.

juicy there for a second

It's not just about beating France.

It's not just about beating France

According to Blob the Builder, DC

According to Blob the Builder DC

[laughter]

laughter

DC really needs this arch.

DC really needs this arch

>> It's the only city in the world that's

of great importance that doesn't have a

triumphal arc.

triumphal arc

>> Every city, every city, every city,

>> Every city every city every city

every city's got one. Some have two.

every city's got one Some have two

They call it the golden arc. is when you

They call it the golden arc is when you

see them. Soon as you see him on the

see them Soon as you see him on the

highway, you know you're about to have a

highway you know you're about to have a

very happy meal. They say

very happy meal They say

they say and they say this and they say

that and they say it. They say it's for

that and they say it They say it's for

kids, but now they have a Grinch one

kids but now they have a Grinch one

with green salt for adults. Comes with

with green salt for adults Comes with

his own bag. You can put the salt in.

his own bag You can put the salt in

They say it's pickle. Pickle. Very big

They say it's pickle Pickle Very big

right now. Almost as big as the snakes

right now Almost as big as the snakes

in Peru. [laughter]

in Peru laughter

Those snakes killed the Grinch. You

Those snakes killed the Grinch You

know, they swallowed him whole with the

know they swallowed him whole with the

little dog. [laughter]

little dog laughter

Also,

Also

this weekend, Trump attended the Army

this weekend Trump attended the Army

Navy football game, which is he

Navy football game which is he

thoroughly enjoyed that, I think, which

thoroughly enjoyed that I think which

uh by which I mean he played on his

phone, posted a bunch of nonsense,

phone posted a bunch of nonsense

including bragging about the new mirror

and bronze lettering at the door of the

West Wing. Now, the only risk here is

West Wing Now the only risk here is

that Trump walks outside, thinks his

that Trump walks outside thinks his

reflection is a rival, and attacks the

reflection is a rival and attacks the

mirror like an angry parakeet.

mirror like an angry parakeet

You got to put a hood over him. You got

You got to put a hood over him You got

to put a hood over him. He also picture

to put a hood over him He also picture

I posted a picture of his dumb

presidential walk of fame where behind

him the mirror shows his big old loaf of

banana butt.

banana butt

[cheering and applause] For safety on

cheering and applause For safety on

the mirror just for safety reasons they

had to add a warning. Objects in mirror

had to add a warning Objects in mirror

may be bigger than they appear.

may be bigger than they appear

We're almost

[applause]

applause

We're almost at the end of December. And

We're almost at the end of December And

you know what that means? The folks over

you know what that means The folks over

at Marryiam Webster have chosen their

word of the year this year. It is slop,

word of the year this year It is slop

which they define as digital content of

low quality that is produced usually in

quantity by means of artificial

intelligence. Now folks, this is this is

intelligence Now folks this is this is

personal for me because as a former word

of the year winner for my word

truthiness and because and because thank

you. [applause] Thank you. It's what I

you applause Thank you It's what I

wanted. But thank you. There's a lot of

wanted But thank you There's a lot of

also there's a lot of AI generated slop

of me out on the webs. And this is this

of me out on the webs And this is this

is true. You can search for this. Here I

is true You can search for this Here I

am stopping the show when Millie Bobby

Brown collapsed and stopping the show to

reveal that Tom Cruz's biological father

is in the audience. And of course, my

is in the audience And of course my

favorite, stopping the show when a

favorite stopping the show when a

homeless man in my audience turned out

to be the former superstar Jack

Sterling. Now, to everyone who's saying,

Sterling Now to everyone who's saying

"Who's Jack Sterling?" Shame on you.

Who's Jack Sterling Shame on you

[laughter]

laughter

How soon you forget that you never knew.

How soon you forget that you never knew

Merriam-Webster says they chose uh slop

over some other heavy contenders

including gerrymander tariff and a body

of water in Massachusetts called Lake

Charg aog Manchog aog

famously [cheering] famously

famously cheering famously

[applause]

applause

famously the only lake named after the

sound you make when you drown in it.

sound you make when you drown in it

What? What? Wait, what what that sound,

What What Wait what what that sound

ladies and gentlemen? You know that that

ladies and gentlemen You know that that

sound means that we have an update on an

important ongoing raccoon story.

important ongoing raccoon story

[cheering]

cheering

This this

[applause]

applause

[cheering]

cheering

is new raccoon news.

is new raccoon news

Welcome. You may recall that last month

Welcome You may recall that last month

down in Virginia, a raccoon broke into a

down in Virginia a raccoon broke into a

liquor store, trashed an aisle of

liquor store trashed an aisle of

bottles, and then passed out in the

bottles and then passed out in the

bathroom

in full sploot. Well, we just learned

in full sploot Well we just learned

according to animal control that raccoon

is a repeat offender.

is a repeat offender

[applause and cheering]

applause and cheering

Sounds like it's time for an

intervention.

intervention

Raccoon,

Raccoon

when you drink, I feel happy cuz then I

when you drink I feel happy cuz then I

get to talk about you instead of Donald

Trump. I love you, drunk raccoon.

Trump I love you drunk raccoon

[applause]

applause

[cheering] Please don't stop drinking.

cheering Please don't stop drinking

[applause]

applause

So, where else has this little booze

So where else has this little booze

bandit broken into? Well, apparently

bandit broken into Well apparently

that liquor store is in a shopping

complex and he's been sneaking into the

stores one by one. An officer said that

stores one by one An officer said that

the first time they caught him, he was

the first time they caught him he was

in a karate studio. Wait a second.

in a karate studio Wait a second

There's a strip mall that has a liquor

store and a karate studio.

store and a karate studio

I know where I'm going in June.

I know where I'm going in June

[applause and cheering]

applause and cheering

Probably law school. Next, the raccoon

Probably law school Next the raccoon

broke into another establishment in the

same building, the DMV.

same building the DMV

Well, that explains why he's so good at

Well that explains why he's so good at

parallel parking. We got a great show

parallel parking We got a great show

for you tonight.

for you tonight

My guests are Paul Rudd and the

marvelous Leslie Vanville. When we come

marvelous Leslie Vanville When we come

back, your [music] chance to own an

back your music chance to own an

actual part of history. Stick around.

actual part of history Stick around

[music]

music

[music]

music

[music]

music

>> [music]

>> music

>> Yeah. [cheering]

>> Yeah cheering

>> [applause]

>> applause

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