Watch and Learn - Trump Can’t Tell Kimmel From Colbert | FIFA Peace Prize

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Welcome one and all to the Late Show.

Welcome one and all to the Late Show

I'm your host Steven Colbert. Ladies and

I'm your host Steven Colbert Ladies and

[cheering] gentlemen, [music]

cheering gentlemen music

that's the spirit, right? That's the

that's the spirit right That's the

holiday spirit. Folks, you sound in a

holiday spirit Folks you sound in a

pretty good mood. I hope you all had a

pretty good mood I hope you all had a

fun weekend, but there is no way you had

fun weekend but there is no way you had

more fun than Donald Trump because he is

that girl from your office who

celebrates her birthday month. And

celebrates her birthday month And

uh and it's going to be four years long.

uh and it's going to be four years long

Now, for his first present, uh, last

Now for his first present uh last

night he hosted the Kennedy Center

Honors, and I got to say, I didn't know

Honors and I got to say I didn't know

if he was there, but Will Smith had the

if he was there but Will Smith had the

opportunity to do the funniest thing

ever.

ever

This year's uh, Kennedy Center honor

This year's uh Kennedy Center honor

ceremony is the very first since Trump

installed himself as chair of the

Kennedy Center's board. I

Kennedy Center's board I

Yeah, I kind of agree. It seems like the

Yeah I kind of agree It seems like the

commander-in-chief shouldn't have enough

time to run a theater. Mr. President,

time to run a theater Mr President

Mr. President, Russia has just launched

Mr President Russia has just launched

another round of missiles. But first,

another round of missiles But first

dress rehearsal for Oklahoma is

underway,

underway

and the blocking is uninspired.

and the blocking is uninspired

[laughter]

laughter

Before last night's ceremony, Trump

Before last night's ceremony Trump

walked the red carpet and talked about

his love of the arts.

his love of the arts

>> You mentioned some of your favorite

songs. In your opinion, what makes a

songs In your opinion what makes a

song great?

song great

>> Well, it's something that has to be soft

>> Well it's something that has to be soft

and soothing to your ear. I like some

and soothing to your ear I like some

songs that other people don't like. You

songs that other people don't like You

know, it's why they have, you ever hear

know it's why they have you ever hear

the expression, that's why they have

the expression that's why they have

menus in restaurants. We're all

menus in restaurants We're all

different.

different

The world's stupidest question answered

by the world's hungriest man.

by the world's hungriest man

What's my favorite thing about music?

What's my favorite thing about music

Probably restaurant. I love I love I

Probably restaurant I love I love I

love when a song has one of those big

sizzling appetizer platters for the

whole table to share. Don't touch the

whole table to share Don't touch the

chorus. It's very hot. Can we

chorus It's very hot Can we

>> Can we get some more chips? We still

>> Can we get some more chips We still

have some more song left. [laughter]

have some more song left laughter

We don't

at this point. I don't know how much

at this point I don't know how much

effort I'm putting into the impression

anymore.

anymore

And I don't care now. We don't have

And I don't care now We don't have

[cheering]

cheering

[music]

music

fire me. [applause]

fire me applause

You always care. That's what I love

You always care That's what I love

about you. We don't have footage from

about you We don't have footage from

the ceremony yet because it won't

actually uh air until later this month,

actually uh air until later this month

but we do have this is an actual

transcript of some of Trump's actual

opening monologue to the Kennedy Center

audience. If there was one thread that

audience If there was one thread that

connects all of these amazing artists

together, it's the word persistence. I

together it's the word persistence I

can say that with a lot of members of

our audience. I know so many of you and

our audience I know so many of you and

you are persistent. Many of you are

you are persistent Many of you are

miserable, horrible people. But you are

miserable horrible people But you are

persistent. You never give up. Sometimes

persistent You never give up Sometimes

I wish you'd give up, but you don't.

I wish you'd give up but you don't

[cheering]

cheering

That man, that is a man who knows how to

That man that is a man who knows how to

please a crowd.

please a crowd

Am I right? The most miserable, horrible

Am I right The most miserable horrible

audience in the world.

audience in the world

[cheering]

cheering

>> [applause]

>> applause

>> On Saturday, Trump talked about some of

>> On Saturday Trump talked about some of

the other people who have hosted the

Kennedy Center honors before him in the

past, and he pre-complained about how

past and he pre-complained about how

people will judge his hosting. I'm sure

people will judge his hosting I'm sure

they'll give me great reviews, right?

they'll give me great reviews right

You know, they'll say, "He was horrible.

You know they'll say He was horrible

He was terrible. It was a horrible

He was terrible It was a horrible

situation." No, we'll do fine. I've

situation No we'll do fine I've

watched some of the people that host.

watched some of the people that host

Jimmy Kimmel was horrible. Some of these

Jimmy Kimmel was horrible Some of these

people. If I can't beat out Jimmy Kimmel

people If I can't beat out Jimmy Kimmel

in terms of talent, then I don't think I

in terms of talent then I don't think I

should be president.

should be president

>> You can't and you shouldn't.

>> You can't and you shouldn't

Also, [cheering]

Also cheering

[applause]

applause

Just a quick brain check for uh Grandpa

Podenkull.

Podenkull

Uh, I called him and Jimmy Kimmel has

Uh I called him and Jimmy Kimmel has

never hosted the Kennedy Center Honors.

never hosted the Kennedy Center Honors

[cheering]

cheering

But here's the thing. I did the three

But here's the thing I did the three

years leading up to Trump becoming

president.

president

[cheering] Speaking of awards, Trump got

cheering Speaking of awards Trump got

a fake one on Friday because after years

of campaigning unsuccessfully for the

Nobel Peace Prize, Trump won the

Nobel Peace Prize Trump won the

inaugural FIFA Peace Prize.

inaugural FIFA Peace Prize

Might seem like an odd combination, but

Might seem like an odd combination but

I think it's appropriate because when

you think peaceful, you think soccer

you think peaceful you think soccer

fans.

fans

Later that same day, Trump also received

Later that same day Trump also received

the Hooters National Book Award.

the Hooters National Book Award

It was

[applause and cheering]

applause and cheering

It was the best of times. It

It was the best of times It

It was the worst of boos. [laughter]

It was the worst of boos laughter

Of course, uh the FIFA Peace Prize is no

Of course uh the FIFA Peace Prize is no

Nobel. It's like for Christmas if you

Nobel It's like for Christmas if you

ask your mom for a Super Nintendo and

she gets you something called Super

Retendo.

Retendo

It comes with Super Mario Brothers and

Legend of Zelda.

Legend of Zelda

This peace prize was yanked straight

from the chest of FIFA president and

Mr. Clean's pervert brother

Mr Clean's pervert brother

Gianni Infantino. You cannot call me a

Gianni Infantino You cannot call me a

Mr. Dirty. Okay.

Mr Dirty Okay

[cheering] as [applause]

cheering as applause

let's get started. There we go. As

let's get started There we go As

president of FIFA, Infantino is the

president of FIFA Infantino is the

world's top authority in corruption and

he spent the last year sucking up to

Trump. So much so that Trump has started

Trump So much so that Trump has started

recently calling him 'my boy.'

recently calling him 'my boy'

I thought I was your boy, Dad.

I thought I was your boy Dad

[cheering]

cheering

[applause]

applause

Dad, I played soccer, too. Dad, I'm just

Dad I played soccer too Dad I'm just

I'm still waiting for you to pick me up.

I'm still waiting for you to pick me up

Dad.

Dad

[laughter]

laughter

Dad, it's raining.

Dad it's raining

Dad, [cheering and applause]

Dad cheering and applause

Dad,

Dad

[applause]

applause

don't forget the orange slices. That

don't forget the orange slices That

[laughter]

laughter

Infantino pulled out all the stops for

Trump's Big Boy Trophy Party, including

Trump's Big Boy Trophy Party including

a performance by What's Left of the

Village People.

Village People

[laughter]

laughter

>> Where are the other half of the lyrics?

>> Where are the other half of the lyrics

It reminds me of that Beatles song.

It reminds me of that Beatles song

Hey,

Hey

[laughter]

laughter

when it was time for the award, here's

when it was time for the award here's

what they gave Trump. Wow.

what they gave Trump Wow

It looks like the poster for a movie

called Zombie Planet 3,

called Zombie Planet 3

exclusively on a service called Plumbo

with Ads.

with Ads

Here is the moment Infantino presented

the award to Trump.

the award to Trump

>> Mr. President, this is your

>> Mr President this is your

prize. This is your peace prize. There

prize This is your peace prize There

is also a beautiful medal for you that

you can wear everywhere you want to go.

you can wear everywhere you want to go

[laughter]

laughter

Call me a boomer, but these

Call me a boomer but these

participation trophies have gone too

far.

far

There is also, [applause] Mr. President,

There is also applause Mr President

[cheering]

cheering

here is your trophy. There is also a

here is your trophy There is also a

medallion. There is also a FIFA peace

medallion There is also a FIFA peace

ribbon, a macaroni necklace, uh, and a

ribbon a macaroni necklace uh and a

lapel sticker that says, "Ask me about

lapel sticker that says Ask me about

my peace prize."

my peace prize

It, Mr. President, is scratch and sniff.

It Mr President is scratch and sniff

It smells like a chicken. Now good.

It smells like a chicken Now good

Is he a robber?

Is he a robber

A daring photographer captured the

moment Trump got the medal. Dear

moment Trump got the medal Dear

dear, dear God, he looks like a goblin

dear dear God he looks like a goblin

asking if it's okay to eat a third baby.

asking if it's okay to eat a third baby

Mh. [cheering]

Mh cheering

[applause]

applause

What's this? What? What? What? What is

What's this What What What What is

this? Oh my gosh. It's the first annual

this Oh my gosh It's the first annual

Steven Colbert. [cheering]

Steven Colbert cheering

Oh my god. I didn't I What? I didn't

Oh my god I didn't I What I didn't

even know. This is the first annual

even know This is the first annual

Steven Colbert joke prize and the winner

is Steven Colbear

[cheering]

cheering

there. I didn't know. I did not. How

there I didn't know I did not How

could I? [cheering] I didn't.

could I cheering I didn't

Oh,

thank you. Thank you. Thank you. Thank

thank you Thank you Thank you Thank

you.

you

[applause]

applause

Now, [cheering]

Now cheering

This could have gone to any Steven

Colbert. Does it come with a medallion?

Colbert Does it come with a medallion

>> It's all right.

>> It's all right

Now, you

Now you

After rehearsal, after rehearsal today,

After rehearsal after rehearsal today

we thought, "Oh, I should win my own

we thought Oh I should win my own

award." And then we said, "See if they

award And then we said See if they

could do props, they can make an award

could do props they can make an award

for us." And they said, "What about

for us And they said What about

this?"

this

And I said, "Did you just make that?"

And I said Did you just make that

And they said, "No, we made it a long

And they said No we made it a long

time ago in case you ever ever needed to

give yourself an award.

give yourself an award

[applause]

applause

[music]

music

That's professionalism."

That's professionalism

[applause]

applause

After all the, uh, the peace prize

After all the uh the peace prize

given was over, Trump spoke about the

given was over Trump spoke about the

importance of soccer. When you look at

importance of soccer When you look at

what has happened to football in the

United States, it's again soccer in the

United States it's again soccer in the

United States. We seem to never call it

United States We seem to never call it

that because we have a little bit of a

conflict with another thing that's

called football. But when you think

called football But when you think

about it, shouldn't it really be called?

about it shouldn't it really be called

I mean, this is football. There's no

I mean this is football There's no

question about it. We have to come up with

question about it We have to come up with

another name for that.

another name for that

>> Yeah. It really doesn't make sense

>> Yeah It really doesn't make sense

when you think about it.

when you think about it

>> It doesn't need to make sense. This is

>> It doesn't need to make sense This is

America. [cheering]

America cheering

It's the land of the free, home of the

It's the land of the free home of the

brave, not the land of the sensible. How

brave not the land of the sensible How

dare you call soccer football? It's like

dare you call soccer football It's like

he's daring MAGA to break up with him.

he's daring MAGA to break up with him

Okay, I'm cancelling football. Are they

Okay I'm cancelling football Are they

Are they still supporting me? Wow. Okay,

Are they still supporting me Wow Okay

we're going, we're going metric system.

we're going we're going metric system

Anything?

Anything

[cheering]

cheering

Really? Jesus was black. Okay. Is this

Really Jesus was black Okay Is this

thing on? Is this hello.

thing on Is this hello

[cheering]

cheering

This, hold on. [applause]

This hold on applause

This

This smells like a nugget.

This smells like a nugget

We got a great show for you tonight. My

We got a great show for you tonight My

guests are Weaver and Mandy. When we

guests are Weaver and Mandy When we

come back, meanwhile, join us, won't

come back meanwhile join us won't

you? [music]

you music

Heat.

Heat

[music]

music

Heat. [music]

Heat music

>> [cheering]

>> cheering

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