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Welcome one and all.
Welcome
one
and
all
Sure.
Sure
Welcome to the late show. I'm your host
Welcome
to
the
late
show
I'm
your
host
Steven Colbert.
Steven
Colbert
Well uh hi
Well
uh
hi
>> is what you all might be because today
>>
is
what
you
all
might
be
because
today
is 4:20,
is
4:20
which is
which
is
marijuana's birthday or something. I
marijuana's
birthday
or
something
I
don't really understand why this day is,
don't
really
understand
why
this
day
is
but today is Weed's unofficial holiday.
but
today
is
Weed's
unofficial
holiday
Of course, it's its official holiday is
Of
course
it's
its
official
holiday
is
Thanksgiving. Just just you and your
Thanksgiving
Just
just
you
and
your
cousin in an unheated garage sharing
cousin
in
an
unheated
garage
sharing
half a pumpkin pie, guessing which
half
a
pumpkin
pie
guessing
which
uncle's on Wagaui.
uncle's
on
Wagaui
That's why there's some pie left. Now,
That's
why
there's
some
pie
left
Now
in a sign that 420 is becoming more
in
a
sign
that
420
is
becoming
more
legit these days, giant corporate food
legit
these
days
giant
corporate
food
chains are are getting in on the
chains
are
are
getting
in
on
the
Scooby-Doo fun with deals like KFC's 420
Scooby-Doo
fun
with
deals
like
KFC's
420
pot pie combo
pot
pie
combo
and Wingstop's Hotbox.
and
Wingstop's
Hotbox
It's the perfect meal to have in your
It's
the
perfect
meal
to
have
in
your
car while your friend's older brother
car
while
your
friend's
older
brother
explains music to you.
explains
music
to
you
Listen up. Listen up. Give me Shelter's
Listen
up
Listen
up
Give
me
Shelter's
got a lot more going on in there than
got
a
lot
more
going
on
in
there
than
you thought.
you
thought
>> Another brand celebrating uh is the
>>
Another
brand
celebrating
uh
is
the
actual marijuana themed sandwich chain
actual
marijuana
themed
sandwich
chain
Cheba Hut.
Cheba
Hut
You know their slogan: No one outpizzas
You
know
their
slogan:
No
one
outpizzas
the Hut. Wait, why does that sound so
the
Hut
Wait
why
does
that
sound
so
familiar? Did we make that up? No way.
familiar
Did
we
make
that
up
No
way
Oh my god. Oh my god. Oh my god. Do you
Oh
my
god
Oh
my
god
Oh
my
god
Do
you
guys want to get Pizza Hut?
guys
want
to
get
Pizza
Hut
Good. It's good.
Good
It's
good
It's true.
It's
true
The Huffington Post also got in on the
The
Huffington
Post
also
got
in
on
the
Smokey Toke today, posting, "Weed
Smokey
Toke
today
posting
Weed
insiders debate who would be the best
insiders
debate
who
would
be
the
best
420 hang." Unfortunately, for some
420
hang
Unfortunately
for
some
reason, I don't understand, the article
reason
I
don't
understand
the
article
only gave two options as to who people
only
gave
two
options
as
to
who
people
would rather blaze up with. Trump or
would
rather
blaze
up
with
Trump
or
Pope Leo.
Pope
Leo
Come on. That's a super easy call.
Come
on
That's
a
super
easy
call
Obviously, we've all seen footage of the
Obviously
we've
all
seen
footage
of
the
Pope getting high.
Pope
getting
high
He tried He tried.
He
tried
He
tried
He tried. He tried shoving a rolled up
He
tried
He
tried
shoving
a
rolled
up
towel under the door of the Sistine
towel
under
the
door
of
the
Sistine
Chapel, but we could tell. We knew what
Chapel
but
we
could
tell
We
knew
what
was going on in there. Of course, uh I
was
going
on
in
there
Of
course
uh
I
got to say these days hitting a bong may
got
to
say
these
days
hitting
a
bong
may
be the only way to understand Trump's
be
the
only
way
to
understand
Trump's
strategy with Iran. On Thursday, Israel
strategy
with
Iran
On
Thursday
Israel
and Lebanon, this was Thursday,
and
Lebanon
this
was
Thursday
>> Israel and Lebanon agreed to a
>>
Israel
and
Lebanon
agreed
to
a
ceasefire. So on Friday, Iran reopened
ceasefire
So
on
Friday
Iran
reopened
the straight of Hormuz. And yes, it was
the
straight
of
Hormuz
And
yes
it
was
already open before we started the war.
already
open
before
we
started
the
war
But I believe the real straight of
But
I
believe
the
real
straight
of
Hormuz was the friends we made along the
Hormuz
was
the
friends
we
made
along
the
way.
way
I'm sorry. What's that? And I'm being
I'm
sorry
What's
that
And
I'm
being
told we made no friends.
told
we
made
no
friends
Trump immediately claimed victory,
Trump
immediately
claimed
victory
posting, "Iran has agreed to never close
posting
Iran
has
agreed
to
never
close
the Strait of Hormuz again." And they
the
Strait
of
Hormuz
again
And
they
never did until the next day when Iran
never
did
until
the
next
day
when
Iran
closed the Strait of Hormuz again.
closed
the
Strait
of
Hormuz
again
Oh,
Oh
so close. So, what the hell happened?
so
close
So
what
the
hell
happened
Well, after Iran announced they were
Well
after
Iran
announced
they
were
opening the straight, they almost
opening
the
straight
they
almost
immediately reversed course because the
immediately
reversed
course
because
the
US maintained its blockade of Iranian
US
maintained
its
blockade
of
Iranian
ports. This leads me to the latest
ports
This
leads
me
to
the
latest
installment of my apparently neverending
installment
of
my
apparently
neverending
segment. Hormuse news you can use.
segment
Hormuse
news
you
can
use
Both sides accuse.
Both
sides
accuse
Help us Ted Cruz.
Help
us
Ted
Cruz
Now
Now
three. There's going to be a third top
three
There's
going
to
be
a
third
top
three.
three
We should have known the ceasefire was
We
should
have
known
the
ceasefire
was
endangered what Trump said this Thursday
endangered
what
Trump
said
this
Thursday
night.
night
>> I don't want to be a wise guy. I don't
>>
I
don't
want
to
be
a
wise
guy
I
don't
want to speak too soon, but we do very
want
to
speak
too
soon
but
we
do
very
well. You notice that we're doing very
well
You
notice
that
we're
doing
very
well. And I will say the war in Iran is
well
And
I
will
say
the
war
in
Iran
is
going along swimmingly. We can do
going
along
swimmingly
We
can
do
whatever we want.
whatever
we
want
And it should be it should be ending
And
it
should
be
it
should
be
ending
pretty soon. It was uh perfect. I mean,
pretty
soon
It
was
uh
perfect
I
mean
it's perfect.
it's
perfect
>> Don't jinx it.
>>
Don't
jinx
it
You can't talk like that until the
You
can't
talk
like
that
until
the
situation is fully resolved. He sounds
situation
is
fully
resolved
He
sounds
like a cop in an 80s movie one day from
like
a
cop
in
an
80s
movie
one
day
from
retirement pointing at a picture on a
retirement
pointing
at
a
picture
on
a
desk saying, "Yep, that's my daughter
desk
saying
Yep
that's
my
daughter
Denise. And this summer, I'm going to
Denise
And
this
summer
I'm
going
to
walk my little girl down the aisle.
walk
my
little
girl
down
the
aisle
Everything's going to be perfect." And
Everything's
going
to
be
perfect
And
you know what occurs to me just now?
you
know
what
occurs
to
me
just
now
I've never said I love you to my son,
I've
never
said
I
love
you
to
my
son
but tonight after my last shift,
but
tonight
after
my
last
shift
I'm going to tell him, "Oh, what's that?
I'm
going
to
tell
him
Oh
what's
that
What do you know? It's him right now.
What
do
you
know
It's
him
right
now
Hey, kiddo. Listen, I just wanted to
Hey
kiddo
Listen
I
just
wanted
to
tell you something. You know what? It
tell
you
something
You
know
what
It
can wait till tonight.
can
wait
till
tonight
Okay, rookie. Let's head down that alley
Okay
rookie
Let's
head
down
that
alley
and
and
better take off this heavy bulletproof
better
take
off
this
heavy
bulletproof
vest first.
vest
first
Make a cozy fire, Helen, cuz it's going
Make
a
cozy
fire
Helen
cuz
it's
going
to be 30 golden years up at the
to
be
30
golden
years
up
at
the
lakehouse.
lakehouse
Trump did some Thank you. Yeah.
Trump
did
some
Thank
you
Yeah
That's what I'm doing after the show.
That's
what
I'm
doing
after
the
show
Just going to do that.
Just
going
to
do
that
Trump did some social media negotiating
Trump
did
some
social
media
negotiating
with Iran, posting, "We're offering a
with
Iran
posting
We're
offering
a
very fair and reasonable deal."
very
fair
and
reasonable
deal
And I hope they take it because if they
And
I
hope
they
take
it
because
if
they
don't, the United States is going to
don't
the
United
States
is
going
to
knock out every single power plant,
knock
out
every
single
power
plant
every single bridge in Iran. No more Mr.
every
single
bridge
in
Iran
No
more
Mr
Nice Guy. Yes. Yes. He's important that
Nice
Guy
Yes
Yes
He's
important
that
he said that because up till now Trump's
he
said
that
because
up
till
now
Trump's
been known as Mr. Nice Guy.
been
known
as
Mr
Nice
Guy
In fact, he's mentioned over 30,000
In
fact
he's
mentioned
over
30000
times in the Nice Guy Files.
times
in
the
Nice
Guy
Files
Last night,
Last
night
38,000
38000
38,000. That's over That's over 30,000.
38000
That's
over
That's
over
30000
That's what that is. LA just last night.
That's
what
that
is
LA
just
last
night
Last night, Trump announced he was
Last
night
Trump
announced
he
was
sending a crack negotiating team to
sending
a
crack
negotiating
team
to
Pakistan and Vice President JD Vance is
Pakistan
and
Vice
President
JD
Vance
is
expected to lead the delegation. Oh,
expected
to
lead
the
delegation
Oh
good.
good
Lots of friends in here.
Lots
of
friends
in
here
It's good we're sending the guy who
It's
good
we're
sending
the
guy
who
screws up absolutely everything. It's
screws
up
absolutely
everything
It's
like hearing, "Uh, attention passengers.
like
hearing
Uh
attention
passengers
Uh, looks like we got clear skies all
Uh
looks
like
we
got
clear
skies
all
the way to Tampa. My co-pilot today is
the
way
to
Tampa
My
co-pilot
today
is
Mr. Bean.
Mr
Bean
And there appears to be a bee in the
And
there
appears
to
be
a
bee
in
the
cockpit.
cockpit
Feel free to get up and wander around.
Feel
free
to
get
up
and
wander
around
On some level, even the president seems
On
some
level
even
the
president
seems
to know that this has all the makings of
to
know
that
this
has
all
the
makings
of
a disaster. According to the Wall Street
a
disaster
According
to
the
Wall
Street
Journal, behind Trump's public bravado
Journal
behind
Trump's
public
bravado
on the war, he is privately grappling
on
the
war
he
is
privately
grappling
with just how badly things could go
with
just
how
badly
things
could
go
wrong. Not exactly confidence boosting.
wrong
Not
exactly
confidence
boosting
Reminds me of that sign from Friday
Reminds
me
of
that
sign
from
Friday
Night Lights. Clear eyes, full hearts.
Night
Lights
Clear
eyes
full
hearts
I'm kind of freaking out that we're all
I'm
kind
of
freaking
out
that
we're
all
going to die.
going
to
die
Coach still so cute.
Coach
still
so
cute
Kissed him on the two. Yeah, the end.
Kissed
him
on
the
two
Yeah
the
end
This behind the scenes anxiety might
This
behind
the
scenes
anxiety
might
explain why Trump spent the entire
explain
why
Trump
spent
the
entire
weekend posting deranged videos praising
weekend
posting
deranged
videos
praising
himself like this one with a weird AI
himself
like
this
one
with
a
weird
AI
narrator.
narrator
>> This is what you voted for. So why are
>>
This
is
what
you
voted
for
So
why
are
you questioning every decision he makes
you
questioning
every
decision
he
makes
now that he's back in office? He knows
now
that
he's
back
in
office
He
knows
what he's doing. Maybe it's time to shut
what
he's
doing
Maybe
it's
time
to
shut
the up and let him cook.
the
up
and
let
him
cook
Forget the obscinities. Let him cook.
Forget
the
obscinities
Let
him
cook
Always reassuring when you hear a world
Always
reassuring
when
you
hear
a
world
leader use Gen Z slang. I'm reminded of
leader
use
Gen
Z
slang
I'm
reminded
of
the immortal words of Mahatma Gandhi.
the
immortal
words
of
Mahatma
Gandhi
You must be the change you wish to see
You
must
be
the
change
you
wish
to
see
in the world. Wow, fam. I ate with that.
in
the
world
Wow
fam
I
ate
with
that
No crumbs.
No
crumbs
And he didn't eat much.
And
he
didn't
eat
much
>> He famously
>>
He
famously
>> rarely ate with that.
>>
rarely
ate
with
that
Little lemon juice. But definitely the
Little
lemon
juice
But
definitely
the
most concerning post was this next one
most
concerning
post
was
this
next
one
where Trump with no comment and no
where
Trump
with
no
comment
and
no
context tweeted an entire video of Frank
context
tweeted
an
entire
video
of
Frank
Sinatra singing My Way, which may I
Sinatra
singing
My
Way
which
may
I
remind you begins like this.
remind
you
begins
like
this
The end is near
The
end
is
near
and so I face
and
so
I
face
the final curtain.
the
final
curtain
>> Okay, that's that's pretty ominous.
>>
Okay
that's
that's
pretty
ominous
>> We haven't heard a president sound that
>>
We
haven't
heard
a
president
sound
that
bleak since Reagan.
bleak
since
Reagan
>> Mr. Gorbachev,
>>
Mr
Gorbachev
>> I hurt myself today.
>>
I
hurt
myself
today
>> Yeah, huge Trent Reznor fan. Huge Trent
>>
Yeah
huge
Trent
Reznor
fan
Huge
Trent
Reznor fan.
Reznor
fan
It's tough weekend for FBI director Cash
It's
tough
weekend
for
FBI
director
Cash
Patel because on Friday, The Atlantic
Patel
because
on
Friday
The
Atlantic
published an expose that paints Patel as
published
an
expose
that
paints
Patel
as
erratic, suspicious of others, and prone
erratic
suspicious
of
others
and
prone
to excessive drinking, leading many at
to
excessive
drinking
leading
many
at
the bureau to consider him a national
the
bureau
to
consider
him
a
national
security vulnerability. Uh, I'm told, is
security
vulnerability
Uh
I'm
told
is
this true? We have obtained a photo of
this
true
We
have
obtained
a
photo
of
Wray reading that report.
Wray
reading
that
report
Yeah. The
Yeah
The
they spelled my name right.
they
spelled
my
name
right
The Atlantic details Patel's uh alleged
The
Atlantic
details
Patel's
uh
alleged
boozing habits. Apparently he is known
boozing
habits
Apparently
he
is
known
to drink to the point of obvious
to
drink
to
the
point
of
obvious
intoxication and it's so bad that
intoxication
and
it's
so
bad
that
meetings and briefings have had to be
meetings
and
briefings
have
had
to
be
rescheduled for later in the day as a
rescheduled
for
later
in
the
day
as
a
result of his alcohol-fueled nights. But
result
of
his
alcohol-fueled
nights
But
being hung over, you boo all you want,
being
hung
over
you
boo
all
you
want
but being hung over is just normal for
but
being
hung
over
is
just
normal
for
FBI agents, as we learned in Silence of
FBI
agents
as
we
learned
in
Silence
of
the Lambs.
the
Lambs
>> Morning,
>>
Morning
>> Dr. Lectar. I need a blue Gatorade and a
>>
Dr
Lectar
I
need
a
blue
Gatorade
and
a
bacon, egg, and cheese.
bacon
egg
and
cheese
>> Sounds pretty good. That'll be, baby.
>>
Sounds
pretty
good
That'll
be
baby
That'll be right.
That'll
be
right
That's not all. On multiple occasions,
That's
not
all
On
multiple
occasions
Wray's security team reportedly had
Wray's
security
team
reportedly
had
difficulty waking him because he was
difficulty
waking
him
because
he
was
seemingly intoxicated and once he was
seemingly
intoxicated
and
once
he
was
unreachable behind locked doors, so they
unreachable
behind
locked
doors
so
they
had to request breaching equipment,
had
to
request
breaching
equipment
which is normally used by SWAT and
which
is
normally
used
by
SWAT
and
hostage rescue teams to quickly gain
hostage
rescue
teams
to
quickly
gain
entry to buildings. Wow. Breaching
entry
to
buildings
Wow
Breaching
equipment. I've been drunk,
equipment
I've
been
drunk
but I've never been battering ram drunk.
but
I've
never
been
battering
ram
drunk
I've never
I've
never
I have never been so hung over. I needed
I
have
never
been
so
hung
over
I
needed
my alarm clock to be the jaws of life.
my
alarm
clock
to
be
the
jaws
of
life
Well, like a drunk guy and lied at
Well
like
a
drunk
guy
and
lied
at
McDonald's, Patel is fighting back. He
McDonald's
Patel
is
fighting
back
He
strongly
strongly
denies everything and he filed a lawsuit
denies
everything
and
he
filed
a
lawsuit
against The Atlantic, which he announced
against
The
Atlantic
which
he
announced
over the weekend on the Fox Front News.
over
the
weekend
on
the
Fox
Front
News
>> The results, I say, speak for
>>
The
results
I
say
speak
for
themselves. If the fake news mafia isn't
themselves
If
the
fake
news
mafia
isn't
hitting you personally with baseless
hitting
you
personally
with
baseless
information in Washington DC, then
information
in
Washington
DC
then
you're not doing your job. Maria, I'm
you're
not
doing
your
job
Maria
I'm
happy to announce on your show that we
happy
to
announce
on
your
show
that
we
are not going to take this laying down.
are
not
going
to
take
this
laying
down
>> Yeah, they're not going to take this
>>
Yeah
they're
not
going
to
take
this
laying down. They're going to take it
laying
down
They're
going
to
take
it
propped up in a recliner with a trash
propped
up
in
a
recliner
with
a
trash
can the roommate gave you just in case.
can
the
roommate
gave
you
just
in
case
We got a great show for you tonight.
We
got
a
great
show
for
you
tonight
My guests are Don Cheadle and Jake
My
guests
are
Don
Cheadle
and
Jake
Tapper. Come back. Meanwhile,
Tapper
Come
back
Meanwhile
for me. Yeah.
for
me
Yeah
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