Watch and Learn - Jon on the Shooter Blame Game, Ronny on Trump's War on U.S. Cities & Gov't Shutdown

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[Music]

Music

We had another just blessed weekend in

America of chaos and carnage. There were

America of chaos and carnage There were

six mass shootings in 24 hours. Two in

six mass shootings in 24 hours Two in

North Carolina, two in Louisiana, one in

North Carolina two in Louisiana one in

Texas. Uh uh the terrible scenes out of

Texas Uh uh the terrible scenes out of

Michigan. Uh but fear not because the

Michigan Uh but fear not because the

president is on the case.

president is on the case

>> This morning, President Trump declares

>> This morning President Trump declares

he's deploying troops to Portland,

he's deploying troops to Portland

Oregon.

Oregon

Oh, Portland. You just missed it.

Oh Portland You just missed it

You're going to want a little to the

You're going to You You've got the right

country,

country

but you're going to want to shift the

res. Why Portland?

res Why Portland

>> Trump posting, "I'm directing Secretary

>> Trump posting I'm directing Secretary

of War Pete Hegsth to provide all

necessary troops to protect war ravage

Portland."

Portland

>> T it. No. No, no, these people

>> T it No No no these people

uncontrollable. These people

uncontrollable These people

and the orgy of mass shootings in

America.

America

Portland. Did I miss Vancouver attacking

Portland Did I miss Vancouver attacking

Portland in a fierce battle of mellow

artisans?

artisans

Don't shoot till you see the whites of

their cold foam half latte art.

their cold foam half latte art

Not sure what that accent was. But

Not sure what that accent was But

here's the craziest part. The people of

here's the craziest part The people of

Oregon, Portland in particular, were

Oregon Portland in particular were

also caught off guard by this. And the

also caught off guard by this And the

governor of Oregon, tried to explain to

governor of Oregon tried to explain to

the president that they were not in a

state of war. And the the president's

state of war And the the president's

response was, "Well, well, it was

response was Well well it was

telling."

telling

>> President Trump in an interview with NBC

on Sunday morning said a phone call with

Governor Cotch showed him a different

perspective,

perspective

>> saying, "I spoke to the governor. She

>> saying I spoke to the governor She

was very nice, but I said, "Well, wait a

was very nice but I said Well wait a

minute. Am I watching things on

minute Am I watching things on

television that are different from

what's happening?

what's happening

[Applause]

Applause

I don't think any of us know what you're

watching on television,

watching on television

but if it's Game of Thrones, I'd say

but if it's Game of Thrones I'd say

yes.

yes

Conditions in Portland may vary.

Conditions in Portland may vary

And B, this explains so much about the

And B this explains so much about the

governing philosophy of the Trump

administration. There is reality and

administration There is reality and

then there's this. My people tell me

then there's this My people tell me

different. They are literally attacking

different They are literally attacking

and there are fires all over the place

and dragons.

and dragons

Let there be dragons.

Let there be dragons

the president of the United States alone

in his biscreened bunker sees reports of

conflict in Portland on TV. His lackey

conflict in Portland on TV His lackey

reinforce the chaos and rather than take

a breath, rather than take a beat,

a breath rather than take a beat

rather than not acting rashly, rather

rather than not acting rashly rather

than using the resources available to

him as the president of the United

States to find out what the realities on

the ground are, he just goes code red,

the ground are he just goes code red

red team go, cuz he sees it on TV

red team go cuz he sees it on TV

and acts impulsively. He sends out the

and acts impulsively He sends out the

National Guard the same way you or I

might make a late night Shamwow

purchase.

purchase

I saw it on TV. It looked It was on TV.

I saw it on TV It looked It was on TV

In reality, it's just a [ __ ] rag.

In reality it's just a __ rag

But at 3:00 in the morning,

But at 3:00 in the morning

it's magic.

it's magic

Meanwhile, the nonPortland area of the

Meanwhile the nonPortland area of the

country is going through some [ __ ] As

country is going through some __ As

we mentioned, there's a mass shooting

we mentioned there's a mass shooting

now like every couple of hours.

now like every couple of hours

Previously, the routine would be we

Previously the routine would be we

express our shock, we express our

express our shock we express our

sadness, we offer our thoughts and

sadness we offer our thoughts and

prayers, we spend a day, maybe two,

prayers we spend a day maybe two

arguing about the appropriateness of

bringing up guns at all, and then we uh

bringing up guns at all and then we uh

do nothing until the next time. But as

do nothing until the next time But as

our politics becomes more polarized,

our politics becomes more polarized

even that learned cycle of helplessness

has been replaced by a new postshooting

pastime.

pastime

That new pastime is, was this one of

That new pastime is was this one of

yours?

yours

>> The shooter was a radical leftist. The

>> The shooter was a radical leftist The

guy is a right-wing Trumpupporting

evangelical Christian.

evangelical Christian

>> He is a Biden supporter. Case closed.

>> He is a Biden supporter Case closed

>> We know the suspected shooter is mega.

>> We know the suspected shooter is mega

>> The shooter, a leftist whack job. It's

>> The shooter a leftist whack job It's

America's new gender reveal tradition.

America's new gender reveal tradition

Boom. It's blue. Haha. I'm so happy to

Boom It's blue Haha I'm so happy to

blame the left for the violence. The

blame the left for the violence The

game is so ubiquitous now. We often play

game is so ubiquitous now We often play

it before we even know who the

perpetrator is.

perpetrator is

>> The killer's identity may be unknown,

>> The killer's identity may be unknown

but his point of view seems pretty

clear. That's why I'm calling it

clear That's why I'm calling it

political and from the left.

political and from the left

>> That's Cuddlo's lock of the week.

>> That's Cuddlo's lock of the week

Lock it up. Next murder rate in Chicago

Lock it up Next murder rate in Chicago

next weekend. Well, it's getting cold

next weekend Well it's getting cold

there, so I'm taking the under.

there so I'm taking the under

By the way, playing was this one of

By the way playing was this one of

yours is also certainly a speculative

endeavor. So, we are treated in the

endeavor So we are treated in the

aftermath of these horrific crimes to

the news media's active politicized

scavenger hunt. Which piece of

scavenger hunt Which piece of

inconclusive arcana proves which half of

the country is to blame?

the country is to blame

>> The shooter reportedly voted in the 2020

Democrat primary. The Butler,

Democrat primary The Butler

Pennsylvania shooter was a registered

Republican.

Republican

>> The suspect wasn't registered with

either party. He grew up in an area of

either party He grew up in an area of

Utah that is mostly Republican.

Utah that is mostly Republican

>> The shooter was a registered Republican

while election records show that in 2021

he gave $15 to a Democratic aligned

he gave 15 to a Democratic aligned

organization.

organization

[Applause]

Applause

He's a Republican but cheap.

He's a Republican but cheap

Republican but donated to a Democrat.

Republican but donated to a Democrat

Maybe he just wanted the PBS Ken Burns

tote bag. I don't know.

tote bag I don't know

I don't know who to hate. Sometimes the

I don't know who to hate Sometimes the

clues aren't even expressly political,

clues aren't even expressly political

but live politically adjacent in the

culture.

culture

>> Social media photos show Mr. Robinson

>> Social media photos show Mr Robinson

shooting and posing with guns.

shooting and posing with guns

>> There's his pickup truck, the huge

>> There's his pickup truck the huge

American flags.

American flags

>> This person was a gay man who was in a

relationship with another man who

believed he was a woman. and they were

believed he was a woman and they were

both into a phenomenon that that can

only be described as as furiness.

only be described as as furiness

[Applause]

Applause

>> I love that this dude has to pretend

like he doesn't know what furries are.

like he doesn't know what furries are

I mean, it can be only I don't know,

I mean it can be only I don't know

can only be described as a sexual

costume party with animals. I mean I

costume party with animals I mean I

mean, if you were even to do something

mean if you were even to do something

like that, how would you even get the

like that how would you even get the

stains out of the costumes? I mean,

stains out of the costumes I mean

especially if they had set for 3 days,

especially if they had set for 3 days

what would you use? Club soda, lemon?

what would you use Club soda lemon

I'm just asking.

I'm just asking

Or do you just throw the costume out

after each experience?

after each experience

Now, call me oldfashioned, but I miss

Now call me oldfashioned but I miss

the good old days of mass shootings when

networks took a principled stance to not

shower attention on acts designed to get

attention.

attention

>> We will not say the gunman's name or

show his photograph.

show his photograph

>> Fox News will not show you his picture

or give him any attention by repeating

his name.

his name

>> We don't like naming the gunman because

so often they do things just to to get

attention. don't want to bring more

attention don't want to bring more

undue attention that is absolutely

necessary uh to the cowards that bring

out carry out these types of attacks.

out carry out these types of attacks

>> That's right, boys and girls. You know,

>> That's right boys and girls You know

when I was a boy, there was a a brief

when I was a boy there was a a brief

period in American media where not only

wouldn't they say the suspected killer's

name, they wouldn't constantly show the

name they wouldn't constantly show the

suspected killers only fans hot shots.

suspected killers only fans hot shots

They wouldn't do it. They wouldn't Oh,

They wouldn't do it They wouldn't Oh

dear Lord.

dear Lord

Oh.

Oh my god.

Oh my god

He could have so he could have done so

much good with those

and yet he chose the dark side.

and yet he chose the dark side

So why has the news media become

obsessed with right-le framing of

violence? Well, part of the reason is

violence Well part of the reason is

they are following the lead of social

media. Social media is doing it crazier

media Social media is doing it crazier

and faster than anybody else. So, the

and faster than anybody else So the

media is trying to keep up. The fire in

media is trying to keep up The fire in

the church in Michigan was still burning

when online influencers were inferring

that the number of Muslims in Michigan

are what obviously made this attack

happen until police released the

suspect's photo, which looked like it

suspect's photo which looked like it

came from a Duck Dynasty fanfic account.

came from a Duck Dynasty fanfic account

And then the left got to celebrate. And

And then the left got to celebrate And

then they found a Trump Vance sign on

his house. Case closed. Except that sign

his house Case closed Except that sign

was placed near a stop sign. So some on

was placed near a stop sign So some on

the right said, "No, no, no. He's saying

the right said No no no He's saying

stop Trump Vance." Like it's some

stop Trump Vance Like it's some

leftist reebus that he was creating.

leftist reebus that he was creating

But here's the thing.

But here's the thing

Who the [ __ ] cares? These mass shootings

Who the __ cares These mass shootings

don't care. Who honestly cares?

don't care Who honestly cares

These mass shootings do not fit neatly

into our leftright paradigm. Mass

into our leftright paradigm Mass

shootings are probably caused by a

complex fusion of mental health and

access to weapons and attention-seeking

delusional nihilism married to an

algorithmic underworld that set these

horrific acts in motion. But

horrific acts in motion But

unfortunately, right-left paradigm is

unfortunately right-left paradigm is

the only way our narcissistic media

ecosystem sees anything anymore. That's

ecosystem sees anything anymore That's

the system they built. So it must fit

the system they built So it must fit

into the right left paradigm because

that binary is the foundation of all of

their programming. So that helps them

their programming So that helps them

pretend that the solution to this

violence is a simple change in our

right-left rhetoric.

right-left rhetoric

>> The violent rhetoric that is coming from

the extreme rightwing

>> Democratic party they are not just

tolerating political violence. They are

tolerating political violence They are

cultivating it.

cultivating it

>> The right-wing has gotten so incensed,

>> The right-wing has gotten so incensed

so dangerously violent at least in its

rhetoric. What is your message to your

rhetoric What is your message to your

fellow Democrats in Congress?

fellow Democrats in Congress

>> Stop with the rhetoric. You're getting

>> Stop with the rhetoric You're getting

people killed.

people killed

>> I don't think the rhetoric is getting

people killed. Honestly, I don't think

people killed Honestly I don't think

any of these psychotic motherers that

are doing this are watching MSNBC.

are doing this are watching MSNBC

I mean, I'm only judging from the

I mean I'm only judging from the

ratings.

ratings

I'm almost positive they're not watching

it. to suggest that we don't need to

it to suggest that we don't need to

tackle any complex deeprooted issues

haunting American society. We just need

haunting American society We just need

to stop saying a few choice bad words

and all our mentally broken young men

will be fine is not realistic. And I'm

will be fine is not realistic And I'm

pretty sure that these people don't

believe that either.

believe that either

>> When you equate federal agents with

literal Nazis, you're no longer offering

literal Nazis you're no longer offering

an opinion. You are giving permission to

an opinion You are giving permission to

escalate.

escalate

>> Permission to escalate, right? So

>> Permission to escalate right So

dangerous.

dangerous

this is what Hitler did with the SS.

this is what Hitler did with the SS

This is what Nazi Joseph Gerbal said

about the Hitler youth. Nazi tactics are

about the Hitler youth Nazi tactics are

progressive tactics. First

progressive tactics First

permission to escalate.

permission to escalate

Granted.

Granted

>> Look, in America, we disagree. That's

>> Look in America we disagree That's

fine. That's the democratic process. But

fine That's the democratic process But

your political opponents are not Nazis.

your political opponents are not Nazis

Except when

>> the Democrats, they are authoritarians.

>> the Democrats they are authoritarians

They are jack booted thugs.

They are jack booted thugs

>> Well, no, no, he's not calling them

>> Well no no he's not calling them

Nazis.

Nazis

Sure, that's just a fashion critique.

Sure that's just a fashion critique

Jack booted thugs. I mean, those boots

Jack booted thugs I mean those boots

and white pants in October. Are you mad?

and white pants in October Are you mad

Only Hitler would pull something like

that.

that

Look, getting our arms around why this

Look getting our arms around why this

is happening is maddening and scary. But

is happening is maddening and scary But

the media's ability to memoryhole mass

shootings that they can't neatly fit

into right left is almost as maddening

as not really knowing why these killings

are really happening. Even when the

are really happening Even when the

suspected killers leave supposedly

explicit cues on their bullets, one

explicit cues on their bullets one

inscription read, uh, "Hey, fascist,

inscription read uh Hey fascist

catch." uh giving some indication about

catch uh giving some indication about

the mindset of uh of of Tyler Robinson.

the mindset of uh of of Tyler Robinson

>> Oh, right. No, it's very clearly

>> Oh right No it's very clearly

anti-fascist. Very clear. Unless was

anti-fascist Very clear Unless was

there anything written on the other

bullets?

bullets

>> If you read this, you are gay. L M A O.

>> If you read this you are gay L M A O

Okay, that seems kind of homophobic to

Okay that seems kind of homophobic to

me.

>> If you read this, you're gay. I don't

>> If you read this you're gay I don't

know what that means.

know what that means

>> Well, read it again.

>> Well read it again

It means

>> Yeah, it's got to mean something. New

>> Yeah it's got to mean something New

York City College meme and digital

culture researcher we spoke to said

could refer to a video game called Hell

Divers 2. The same for other

Divers 2 The same for other

inscriptions found on an up arrow, a

inscriptions found on an up arrow a

right arrow, and three down arrows,

right arrow and three down arrows

which is how you drop a bomb in that

game.

game

What the [ __ ] are we even? The world

What the __ are we even The world

that these kids now live in is so

cynical and impermeable. This online

cynical and impermeable This online

nether world.

nether world

If only there were a man.

If only there were a man

One man. A man who looks square but is

One man A man who looks square but is

to what these kids are laying down. Man,

to what these kids are laying down Man

>> there's a lot of talk about the chat

platform Discord, and Kurt the Cyber Guy

platform Discord and Kurt the Cyber Guy

joins us now to tell us what Discord is.

joins us now to tell us what Discord is

[Applause]

Applause

Oh, Kurt the Cyber Guy has shown up

Oh Kurt the Cyber Guy has shown up

fresh off of doing the weather in

Sarasota.

Sarasota

Thanks for the lowdown, Kurt the Cyber

Thanks for the lowdown Kurt the Cyber

Guy. You old cyber dog.

Guy You old cyber dog

Say hello to your partner in crime, meme

Say hello to your partner in crime meme

maven Gary.

maven Gary

Meanwhile, why are we all just taking

Meanwhile why are we all just taking

the bait from these psychos? Authorities

the bait from these psychos Authorities

have not released the motive, but of

have not released the motive but of

course, here's the ammunition, the words

course here's the ammunition the words

anti-ICE, that phrase hyphenated written

anti-ICE that phrase hyphenated written

on one of the bullet casings. We we just

on one of the bullet casings We we just

had the facts laid out for us. This was

had the facts laid out for us This was

an individual motivated by anti- ice. He

an individual motivated by anti ice He

wrote it on a bullet. We saw the bullet

wrote it on a bullet We saw the bullet

yesterday. anti-ICE.

yesterday anti-ICE

>> Case closed. He wrote anti- ice. Doesn't

>> Case closed He wrote anti ice Doesn't

anybody think it's weird that these

people just started writing on bullets

all of a sudden? Like that's the most

all of a sudden Like that's the most

effective way to get out their deeply

held political beliefs. Anti-ICE. Enough

held political beliefs Anti-ICE Enough

said. Or is there the slightest

said Or is there the slightest

possibility that these people areing

with us? According to his friends, the

with us According to his friends the

alleged gunman was not overly political

and was mainly interested in video games

and internet culture.

and internet culture

>> Clearly, it's anti-IC, right? And his

>> Clearly it's anti-IC right And his

friends say, "I wouldn't interpret it

friends say I wouldn't interpret it

that way. He was never a sincere guy.

that way He was never a sincere guy

Everything he said was laced with irony

and sarcasm."

and sarcasm

>> What kind of [ __ ] psychotic internet

>> What kind of __ psychotic internet

culture? What's happening? Can't we just

culture What's happening Can't we just

go back to the cinnamon challenge? Is

go back to the cinnamon challenge Is

that so hard?

that so hard

What is wrong with you? Look, we would

What is wrong with you Look we would

definitely have a healthier political

discourse if we weren't constantly

calling each other fascists and

communists and Nazis, but we are the

communists and Nazis but we are the

only place in the world where this [ __ ]

only place in the world where this __

happens all the time. But we're not the

happens all the time But we're not the

only place in the world that name calls.

only place in the world that name calls

So what is this?

So what is this

Perhaps we need to look back at our

founders who through their infinite

wisdom designed and operated a more

mature system with checks and balances

and a respect for all that prevented

this kind of corrosive infighting and

radicalization.

radicalization

John Quincy Adams taking aim at Jackson,

John Quincy Adams taking aim at Jackson

asserting that Jackson didn't know how

to spell, was too uneducated to become

to spell was too uneducated to become

president, while newspapers portrayed

president while newspapers portrayed

his wife Rachel as a short, fat

his wife Rachel as a short fat

dumpling.

dumpling

[Applause]

Applause

>> A delicious dumpling indeed.

>> A delicious dumpling indeed

>> Let's start with America's military, the

>> Let's start with America's military the

Karen of the world. They just will not

Karen of the world They just will not

stay out of other count's business. And

stay out of other count's business And

leading this military is Pete Hegsef,

leading this military is Pete Hegsef

who you might think is the Secretary of

Defense.

Defense

>> But you'll be wrong. He's rebranded

>> But you'll be wrong He's rebranded

himself the Secretary of War.

himself the Secretary of War

[Applause]

Applause

>> You know how cool guys always give

themselves nicknames. And as part of

themselves nicknames And as part of

this military makeover, last week the

this military makeover last week the

secretary announced a surprise meeting.

secretary announced a surprise meeting

>> Tonight, in an unprecedented move,

>> Tonight in an unprecedented move

Secretary Pete Haggv asking all US

general officers and admirals around the

world to gather at the US Marine base in

Quadico, Virginia.

Quadico Virginia

>> A meeting of this size in person and on

such short notice is extremely rare.

such short notice is extremely rare

It's going to also potentially be a

security risk given the sheer number of

military officials and how many are

going to be gathered in one place at a

time.

time

>> Listen, we all do weird things when

>> Listen we all do weird things when

we're drunk. Okay? Uh

we're drunk Okay Uh

some of us slide into an ex's DMs and

some of us call every US general to a

maniac quantico. But you know, I'm sure

maniac quantico But you know I'm sure

if the secretary is going to gather all

the generals, some of them from active

the generals some of them from active

war zones, then he must have something

war zones then he must have something

very important he wants to tell them.

very important he wants to tell them

>> It's tiring to look out at combat

formations or really any formation, and

formations or really any formation and

see fat troops.

see fat troops

Likewise, it's completely unacceptable

Likewise it's completely unacceptable

to see fat generals and admirals in the

halls of the Pentagon.

halls of the Pentagon

[Applause]

Applause

That's what you drag all these generals

in for

to tell them they're fats.

to tell them they're fats

Couldn't you just leave some passive

aggressive comments on their Instagram?

aggressive comments on their Instagram

Like, "Hey, congrats, General. When are

Like Hey congrats General When are

you due?"

you due

I mean, this guy will text top secret

I mean this guy will text top secret

war plans, but when it comes to body

war plans but when it comes to body

shaming, he's like, "I want to see their

shaming he's like I want to see their

fat faces when I tell them how fat their

faces are."

faces are

Look, I get the military needs to be

Look I get the military needs to be

fit, okay? But in defense of fat

fit okay But in defense of fat

generals,

generals

they're kind of like coaches, right?

they're kind of like coaches right

Like coaches don't need to be fit enough

to play the sport. They they just have

to play the sport They they just have

to be fit enough to date a 24 year old.

to be fit enough to date a 24 year old

And and also

there are some military positions you

kind of don't want a fit soldier for.

kind of don't want a fit soldier for

Like I don't want a guy with six-pack

abs operating a drone. He he clearly

abs operating a drone He he clearly

hasn't had enough time and experience

sitting down like this with a

controller.

controller

Just Okay, he's dead.

Just Okay he's dead

But telling generals they have to get on

ompic wasn't the whole speech. Uh,

ompic wasn't the whole speech Uh

America's Secretary of War

[Music]

Music

>> had more to say than that.

>> had more to say than that

>> No more beards, long hair, superficial

>> No more beards long hair superficial

individual expression. We're going to

individual expression We're going to

cut our hair, shave our shave our

cut our hair shave our shave our

beards, and adhere to standards.

beards and adhere to standards

>> Okay, you hear that? You goddamn hippie

>> Okay you hear that You goddamn hippie

generals.

generals

No more beards. I'm looking at you,

No more beards I'm looking at you

Admiral Labowski.

Admiral Labowski

Now, according to P Hegsth, America's

Now according to P Hegsth America's

military standards are now going to be

indistinguishable from a grinder

profile. Okay?

profile Okay

No fatties, no facial hair, and get

No fatties no facial hair and get

those ladies the out of my sight.

those ladies the out of my sight

But it's all about a much larger project

of dewokationing.

of dewokationing

>> An entire generation of generals and

admirals were told that they must parrot

the insane fallacy that quote, "Our

the insane fallacy that quote Our

diversity is our strength." They had to

diversity is our strength They had to

put out dizzying DEI and LGBTQI plus

statements. No more identity months, DEI

statements No more identity months DEI

offices, dudes in dresses.

offices dudes in dresses

>> Yeah, you hear that? General Deltire.

>> Yeah you hear that General Deltire

Something very weird about that general.

Something very weird about that general

I just can't I can't put my finger on

it.

Although, are we sure dudes wearing

Although are we sure dudes wearing

dresses doesn't work? Because the

dresses doesn't work Because the

Taliban wore dresses and it kind of

worked for them. You know what I mean? I

worked for them You know what I mean I

don't know. Maybe the beards cancel out

don't know Maybe the beards cancel out

the dresses.

the dresses

Someone check the math on that. But this

Someone check the math on that But this

wasn't just a pep talk. Pete Hexth, the

wasn't just a pep talk Pete Hexth the

mothering secretary of mother war,

mothering secretary of mother war

>> also took the opportunity to bump his

book sales on Amazon. You might say

book sales on Amazon You might say

we're ending the war on warriors.

we're ending the war on warriors

I heard someone wrote a book about that.

I heard someone wrote a book about that

>> Yeah.

>> Yeah

And that someone was him.

And that someone was him

Say what you want about Henry Kissinger.

Say what you want about Henry Kissinger

I mean, at least he never used his

I mean at least he never used his

position to sell his book 101 war crimes

to try on Cambodians.

to try on Cambodians

But bottom line, a lot of people were

But bottom line a lot of people were

worried that this event was going to

show that P Hegsth had taken over the

military. But it actually just showed

military But it actually just showed

how disconnected his MAGA rally energy

is from their professional culture.

is from their professional culture

Especially this moment that he clearly

thought was going to crush. Should our

thought was going to crush Should our

enemies choose foolishly to challenge

us, they will be crushed by the

us they will be crushed by the

violence, precision, and ferocity of the

violence precision and ferocity of the

War Department.

War Department

In other words, to our enemies,

In other words to our enemies

F A FO.

F A FO

If necessary, our troops can translate

If necessary our troops can translate

that for you.

that for you

Wow. Uh, not not even the leaders of the

Wow Uh not not even the leaders of the

US military have ever seen a line bomb

that hard before.

that hard before

[Applause]

Applause

It It's just kind of It's weird. And

It It's just kind of It's weird And

some would say juvenile to use internet

slang in in a speech to your

adversaries. I mean, President Reagan

adversaries I mean President Reagan

was never like, "Mr. Gobach, I hawk to

was never like Mr Gobach I hawk to

us. Spit on that wall."

us Spit on that wall

But basically,

But basically

that was Pete Hex's speech. F Afo. And

that was Pete Hex's speech F Afo And

no one in the military is allowed to be

fat, especially the leaders. Okay. It's

fat especially the leaders Okay It's

a bad look.

a bad look

So, next up to speak was the famously

So next up to speak was the famously

thin health nut commander-in-chief,

thin health nut commander-in-chief

>> Donald Trump. And

>> Donald Trump And

and even President Trump noticed how

dead the room was.

dead the room was

>> Fantastic job. I've never walked into a

>> Fantastic job I've never walked into a

room so silent before.

room so silent before

>> Wow. Way to throw your opening act under

>> Wow Way to throw your opening act under

the bus.

the bus

Ah, who was that lead? Who was that

Ah who was that lead Who was that

loser? Huh? I thought alcoholics were

loser Huh I thought alcoholics were

supposed to be fun.

supposed to be fun

Well, if anyone can win a room back,

Well if anyone can win a room back

it's President Trump who convinced these

generals there was a good reason to pull

them from their posts.

them from their posts

>> I call it the n-word.

>> I call it the n-word

>> Oh [ __ ]

>> Oh __

he's coming in hot here. Is he Is he

he's coming in hot here Is he Is he

going to like Is he going to say Is he

going to say the thing? Is this about to

going to say the thing Is this about to

happen? Is Is this it?

happen Is Is this it

>> The word nuclear. We can't let people

>> The word nuclear We can't let people

throw around

that word.

that word

>> Oh,

>> Oh

okay. The n word is nuclear.

okay The n word is nuclear

Okay. But that that's a weird way to say

Okay But that that's a weird way to say

it since there's also kind of another

word that we famously

refer to as the n-word.

refer to as the n-word

>> There are two nwords and you can't use

either of them.

either of them

can't use either of them.

can't use either of them

>> And frankly,

>> And frankly

uh, if it does get to use, we have more

uh if it does get to use we have more

than anybody else. We have better, we

than anybody else We have better we

have newer

Wait, are we still talking about nuclear

Wait are we still talking about nuclear

or the the other one?

or the the other one

I just want to make sure.

I just want to make sure

Look, uh, I'm sure the gathering of

Look uh I'm sure the gathering of

America's most decorated generals is

loving this extended riff on the n-word,

loving this extended riff on the n-word

but let's maybe wrap this up before it

gets out of hand.

gets out of hand

>> San Francisco, Chicago,

>> San Francisco Chicago

New York, Los Angeles, they're very

New York Los Angeles they're very

unsafe places, and we're going to

unsafe places and we're going to

straighten them out one by one. And this

straighten them out one by one And this

is going to be a major part for some of

the people in this room. That's a war,

the people in this room That's a war

too. It's a war from within. I told

too It's a war from within I told

Pete, "We should use some of these

Pete We should use some of these

dangerous cities as training grounds for

our military, National Guard, but

our military National Guard but

military. This is going to be a big

military This is going to be a big

thing for the people in this room

because it's the enemy from within and

we have to handle it before it gets out

of control."

of control

>> Okay. Okay. Okay. You know what? Can we

>> Okay Okay Okay You know what Can we

just go back to talking about the N

word? Okay. Because this this is

word Okay Because this this is

this is this seems worse. So, is that

this is this seems worse So is that

what this whole thing was about? giving

what this whole thing was about giving

these generals the marching orders for

war against American cities. That's some

war against American cities That's some

pretty dark and scary [ __ ] from the

pretty dark and scary __ from the

president and the secretary of war. I

president and the secretary of war I

mean, no. No. Start with No, not now. No

mean no No Start with No not now No

shredding. Shredding for good stuff

shredding Shredding for good stuff

only, not bad stuff. I thought the worst

only not bad stuff I thought the worst

thing that could happen this week was

when Nicole Kidman and Keith Urban broke

up. I mean, I know if two hot

up I mean I know if two hot

Australians with the same face can't

make it work, then what hope is there

make it work then what hope is there

for the rest of us?

for the rest of us

But then to make it worse, my favorite

But then to make it worse my favorite

federal government also couldn't make it

work.

work

>> And the breaking news as of this

morning, the US government is officially

morning the US government is officially

shut down.

shut down

>> The main sticking point is healthcare.

>> The main sticking point is healthcare

Democrats want to reverse Medicaid cuts

and stop enhanced Obamacare subsidies

from expiring.

from expiring

>> But top Republicans say they will not

negotiate until the government reopens.

negotiate until the government reopens

>> Wait, this is all because of healthcare?

>> Wait this is all because of healthcare

But I thought that hot guy murdering a

CEO solved all of this.

CEO solved all of this

Look, this is the classic dispute

Look this is the classic dispute

between the parties. Democrats say that

between the parties Democrats say that

the government should help pay for

healthcare and Republicans say that's

what GoFundMe is for. But because the

what GoFundMe is for But because the

Republicans need Democratic votes to

keep the government open, the two

keep the government open the two

parties have to come together. So, this

parties have to come together So this

moment calls for a serious and

sober-minded leader like President Trump

to work,

to work

work with the other side

to find compromise with dignity and

mutual respect. The president last night

mutual respect The president last night

posted an AI generated video depicting

House Minority Leader Hakee Jeff wearing

a sombrero and mustache and Senate

Minority Leader Chuck Schumer speaking

in a fake voice.

in a fake voice

>> There's no way to sugarcoat it. Nobody

>> There's no way to sugarcoat it Nobody

likes Democrats anymore. We have no

likes Democrats anymore We have no

voters left because of all of our woke

trans [ __ ]

trans __

[Applause]

Applause

>> What the I just watched.

>> What the I just watched

Trump is making fun of a black man for

being Mexican. I It's almost too

being Mexican I It's almost too

confusing to be racist. It's It's like

confusing to be racist It's It's like

putting a headdress on the Twin Towers.

putting a headdress on the Twin Towers

I mean, I I don't even know what you're

I mean I I don't even know what you're

trying to say. I don't have the racist

trying to say I don't have the racist

math skills to solve this equation. I

math skills to solve this equation I

never thought I'd say this, but Donald

never thought I'd say this but Donald

Trump, can you be better at racism? I

Trump can you be better at racism I

mean, what what's making reality break

mean what what's making reality break

down even more is that this is the

official position of the president of

the United States. Is it hilarious? Yes.

the United States Is it hilarious Yes

Is it professional? No. So, let's see

Is it professional No So let's see

the mature, measured response from the

the mature measured response from the

Democrats. It's a disgusting video and

Democrats It's a disgusting video and

we're going to continue to make clear

bigotry will get you nowhere.

bigotry will get you nowhere

>> Finally, some adults in charge. You know

>> Finally some adults in charge You know

what? I'd like to see Donald Trump make

what I'd like to see Donald Trump make

fun of that.

fun of that

>> President Trump posting another AI

generated video.

generated video

>> It's a disgusting video and we're going

to continue to make clear bigotry will

get you nowhere. We are fighting to

get you nowhere We are fighting to

protect the health care of the American

people in the face of an unprecedented

Republican assault.

Republican assault

[Applause]

Applause

Godamn, this makes even less sense,

Godamn this makes even less sense

but it's even more funny.

but it's even more funny

What is the bit here? What? So, so Hakee

What is the bit here What So so Hakee

Jeff is is Mexican now and so is Trump

and and they start a mariachi band.

and and they start a mariachi band

I mean, maybe this is them coming

I mean maybe this is them coming

together. I mean, this is maybe this is

together I mean this is maybe this is

President's President Trump's way of

outreach to the other side. Like, he's

outreach to the other side Like he's

trying to signal that they can work out

a deal at ban practice. I don't know. I

a deal at ban practice I don't know I

don't know. But yes, I I I I hope they

don't know But yes I I I I hope they

do get together soon because as long as

this government is shut down, this is

this government is shut down this is

going to over a lot of people.

going to over a lot of people

>> As many as 750,000

>> As many as 750000

federal workers are expected to be

furoughed. Many others will have to

furoughed Many others will have to

report to work but will not get paid.

report to work but will not get paid

That includes TSA officers.

That includes TSA officers

>> Wait, TSA officers were getting paid

>> Wait TSA officers were getting paid

this whole time?

this whole time

Then why are they so angry?

Then why are they so angry

Look, I'm sorry. I didn't know Kindles

Look I'm sorry I didn't know Kindles

were laptops. All right, stop yelling at

were laptops All right stop yelling at

me.

And it's and it's not just the TSA. This

And it's and it's not just the TSA This

shutdown is also affecting the one thing

in America that everyone actually liked.

in America that everyone actually liked

>> Among the big impact of our shutdown are

national parks. They will remain

national parks They will remain

partially open, but buildings that

partially open but buildings that

require staffing, like visitors centers,

require staffing like visitors centers

well, they will close.

well they will close

>> The last time there was a shutdown,

>> The last time there was a shutdown

human waste had been left outside of the

restrooms with no one there to clean

anything up.

anything up

Yeah. You know what? That that that

Yeah You know what That that that

makes sense. You know, when the trash

makes sense You know when the trash

can is full and you put your trash next

to it to indicate that you at least try

to put it in.

to put it in

It's like that but with [ __ ]

It's like that but with __

This sucks because national parks are

like the one thing in America that's not

a leftright issue. Everyone, regardless

a leftright issue Everyone regardless

of political party, goes there to enjoy

of political party goes there to enjoy

the beauty and splendor of being outside

staring at your phone.

staring at your phone

It's day two of the shutdown and only

the most essential services are still

operating. Social Security, Medicare,

operating Social Security Medicare

and that department that makes up causes

for autism.

for autism

Today, it's minestronei.

Today it's minestronei

You hear that? Don't give pregnant women

You hear that Don't give pregnant women

ministr.

ministr

It's got too many different things in it

that the body can't handle. Now, uh, for

that the body can't handle Now uh for

the Republicans and Democrats, the most

the Republicans and Democrats the most

important part of the shutdown is coming

together and blaming the other side for

it. Uh, President Trump has been posting

it Uh President Trump has been posting

AI videos of Hakeim Jeff and a sombrero.

AI videos of Hakeim Jeff and a sombrero

And now, unfortunately, Democrats are

And now unfortunately Democrats are

hitting back with their own videos.

hitting back with their own videos

>> It's midnight. The Republican shutdown

>> It's midnight The Republican shutdown

has just begun.

has just begun

>> Can you see me?

>> Can you see me

Well, of course you can't because the

Well of course you can't because the

Republicans turn the lights off.

Republicans turn the lights off

>> Open the door, Mr. Speaker. Open the

>> Open the door Mr Speaker Open the

doors of Congress, Mr. Speaker.

doors of Congress Mr Speaker

>> Republicans.

>> Republicans

Is Mike Johnson in here? Hello,

Is Mike Johnson in here Hello

Republicans. No Republicans on the

Republicans No Republicans on the

train. Hello, Republicans. Have you seen

train Hello Republicans Have you seen

any Republicans? No Republicans here.

any Republicans No Republicans here

No Republicans here because they all

died from secondhand embarrassment.

died from secondhand embarrassment

>> Look, Democrats aren't as good as at

>> Look Democrats aren't as good as at

video content as they are at sending

emails asking for money. So,

emails asking for money So

I don't know. Let's try something else.

I don't know Let's try something else

>> Yesterday, Democrats posted a Kitty

>> Yesterday Democrats posted a Kitty

Explains meme blaming the GOP for the

shutdown.

shutdown

>> Democrat kitties want you to have

healthcare. Republican kitties do not.

healthcare Republican kitties do not

Wow, that was also not good. But

Wow that was also not good But

still better than whatever Batman

villain Chuck Schumer is turning into. I

villain Chuck Schumer is turning into I

mean,

mean

my my guess is the Penguin.

my my guess is the Penguin

But you know what? Uh, they made a

But you know what Uh they made a

substantive point in there. Uh, I like

substantive point in there Uh I like

to see Republicans counterargument.

to see Republicans counterargument

>> Republicans of course responded with

this. A kitten wearing a sombrero. God

this A kitten wearing a sombrero God

damn, the sombrero meme is undefeated.

damn the sombrero meme is undefeated

It's like an unblockable combo.

It's like an unblockable combo

With this meme, Republicans will never

With this meme Republicans will never

have to make a coherent point again.

have to make a coherent point again

It's unstoppable. Republican Senator Ted

It's unstoppable Republican Senator Ted

Cruz added his own version of Hey

Margaro, superimposing the image of on

Margaro superimposing the image of on

44 Democratic senators.

44 Democratic senators

>> And it's over.

>> And it's over

Once Ted Cruz joins in on something,

Once Ted Cruz joins in on something

it's dead. Actually, you know what? Can

it's dead Actually you know what Can

we also get him a laboo? because I'm

we also get him a laboo because I'm

kind of sick of those things.

kind of sick of those things

Now, you might be wondering why

Now you might be wondering why

Republicans keep putting sombrero on

Democrats. Uh, apparently it's part of

Democrats Uh apparently it's part of

their talking point that Democrats shut

down the government to help illegal

immigrants.

immigrants

>> What they have done instead is to shut

down the government because we won't

give billions of dollars to healthcare

funding for illegal aliens.

funding for illegal aliens

>> They prioritize taxpayer funded benefits

for illegal aliens over keeping the

government open for American citizens.

government open for American citizens

Democrats, the party of open borders,

Democrats the party of open borders

transgender for everybody, lawlessness

transgender for everybody lawlessness

in our streets are shutting down the

government in an effort to appease the

radical left. These Democrats are

radical left These Democrats are

demanding nearly $1.5 trillion in

demanding nearly 15 trillion in

spending for an agenda that includes

health care for illegal aliens and much,

health care for illegal aliens and much

much more.

much more

Holy [ __ ]

Holy __

>> When you wake up from surgery, you will

>> When you wake up from surgery you will

be a transgender illegal immigrant.

be a transgender illegal immigrant

I mean, that ad was so scary. I was

I mean that ad was so scary I was

expecting the girl from the ring to

crawl out of it and then become the boy

from the ring.

from the ring

But, uh, this is a pretty big

But uh this is a pretty big

accusation. Okay. Democrats say they're

accusation Okay Democrats say they're

shutting down the government because

they want to preserve health care for

tens of millions of Americans, but

tens of millions of Americans but

Republicans say Democrats just want to

give healthcare to illegal immigrants.

give healthcare to illegal immigrants

So, can someone just clear this up for

So can someone just clear this up for

me? Republicans pressuring moderate

me Republicans pressuring moderate

Democrats by claiming they are pushing

for health care for undocumented

immigrants. But their accusation is

immigrants But their accusation is

dubious and refers to a small group of

benefit recipients whose status is

considered lawfully present. federal law

considered lawfully present federal law

explicitly prohibits undocumented people

from receiving aid. So in other words,

from receiving aid So in other words

some of the health care that Democrats

are trying to get for Americans might

also trickle down to some people who are

not Americans. You know, when you're

not Americans You know when you're

showering and you aren't trying to wash

your feet, but it just kind of sort of

your feet but it just kind of sort of

happens by accident along the way, which

happens by accident along the way which

I actually just learned is how white

people wash their feet.

people wash their feet

They don't they don't make a point. They

They don't they don't make a point They

don't lift up their feet and wash it.

don't lift up their feet and wash it

They just if if it happens, it happens.

They just if if it happens it happens

Anyway, that's what this shutdown is

Anyway that's what this shutdown is

about. Now,

about Now

now look, uh this isn't the first time

now look uh this isn't the first time

the party shut down the government and

blamed each other. Okay? But, uh this

blamed each other Okay But uh this

time, Republicans aren't just trying to

time Republicans aren't just trying to

blame Democrats. They're trying to

blame Democrats They're trying to

punish the states they come from. The

punish the states they come from The

White House has already started

targeting projects important to

Democrats, blocking $8 billion for

Democrats blocking 8 billion for

energy projects in 16 states that voted

Democrat in the last presidential

election. The Trump administration

election The Trump administration

announced Wednesday it would withhold

$18 billion in funding for

18 billion in funding for

transportation projects in New York

City, home to Democratic leaders Chuck

City home to Democratic leaders Chuck

Schumer and Hakee Jeff.

Schumer and Hakee Jeff

>> Wait a minute right there. All right.

>> Wait a minute right there All right

You're telling me every New Yorker is

gonna suffer because of your beef with

Chuck Schumer and Hakeim Jeff? Hey,

Chuck Schumer and Hakeim Jeff Hey

President Trump, don't forget there are

President Trump don't forget there are

things in New York you care about, too.

things in New York you care about too

All right? Like Wall Street, Fox News

All right Like Wall Street Fox News

host, uh, your current wife and the home

host uh your current wife and the home

she lives in by herself for some reason,

she lives in by herself for some reason

right?

right

But you know what, Trump? Uh, New York

But you know what Trump Uh New York

doesn't want your money anyway. Okay?

doesn't want your money anyway Okay

Our transportation is just fine. Our

Our transportation is just fine Our

rats are getting so big you can ride

them to work now.

them to work now

And uh by the way, it's not just

And uh by the way it's not just

Democratic states. This dude is going

Democratic states This dude is going

scorched earth on his own government.

scorched earth on his own government

>> White House budget director Russ Vote

warned mass layoffs could come within

the next two days.

the next two days

>> President Trump is teasing that I have a

meeting with Russ vote. He of Project

meeting with Russ vote He of Project

2025 fame to determine which of the many

Democrat agencies, most of which are a

Democrat agencies most of which are a

political scam, he recommends to be cut.

political scam he recommends to be cut

>> lot of good can come down from

shutdowns. We can get rid of a lot of

shutdowns We can get rid of a lot of

things that we didn't want. And they'd

things that we didn't want And they'd

be Democrat things.

be Democrat things

>> That's right. This guy is excited for

>> That's right This guy is excited for

the shutdown. And that's the Democrats

the shutdown And that's the Democrats

fatal mistake. They assume that Donald

fatal mistake They assume that Donald

Trump cares about the government he's

the president of. You think you're

the president of You think you're

playing a game of chicken, but he's

playing a game of chicken but he's

playing a game of let me crash into your

car.

car

And as you heard, the guy who's driving

And as you heard the guy who's driving

his car is the White House budget

director and future Paul Giamati Oscar

role, Russell Vote.

role Russell Vote

According to Senator Mike Lee, this guy

According to Senator Mike Lee this guy

might be even more excited about tearing

down the government than Donald Trump.

down the government than Donald Trump

>> Russ Vote, the OM director, has been

>> Russ Vote the OM director has been

dreaming about this moment, preparing

dreaming about this moment preparing

this moment since puberty.

this moment since puberty

[Laughter]

Laughter

Look, I know puberty can get weird, but

Look I know puberty can get weird but

this guy's balls dropped and he was

like, "Oh man, I want to fire people in

like Oh man I want to fire people in

the government so bad.

the government so bad

President Democrats,

President Democrats

this this is probably the only

13-year-old in history who hid a copy of

the federal budget inside a penthouse."

the federal budget inside a penthouse

I mean, I hope Democrats have a plan for

I mean I hope Democrats have a plan for

this because letting this guy have

control of the federal government, I

control of the federal government I

can't think of anything scarier than

that. Oh [ __ ] Oh. Oh my god. Sorry. I I

that Oh __ Oh Oh my god Sorry I I

stand corrected here.

stand corrected here

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