Watch and Learn - Jon on Kimmel’s Return as Trump Attacks Free Speech & Klepper on Tylenol & Comey

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[Music]

Music

As you know, the administration teased a

As you know the administration teased a

big announcement on the cause of autism

today.

today

Oh, ye of little faith.

Oh ye of little faith

So, let's get right to it.

So let's get right to it

This is obviously a very serious moment

for the world and the United States of

America. to the White House. What is the

America to the White House What is the

cause of autism?

cause of autism

>> The use of a said well let's see how we

say that acetaminophen

acetaminophen.

acetaminophen

Is that okay? No.

Is that okay No

No, it is not okay.

No it is not okay

We would like a second opinion and a

third pronunciation.

third pronunciation

Look, there's already a ton of

Look there's already a ton of

controversy around the lack of data

tying acetaminophen in pregnancy to

autism. And you can't even be bothered

autism And you can't even be bothered

to pronounce the word correctly

until maybe you get to the one word you

recognize from your medicine cabinet,

recognize from your medicine cabinet

which is basically commonly known as

Tylenol.

Tylenol

[Applause]

Applause

Well, I'm sure now they're known as

Well I'm sure now they're known as

plaintiff A.

plaintiff A

Accea

acceita man thing. That's when you know

acceita man thing That's when you know

when he looks up that's his tell that he

recognizes the word

tylenol.

tylenol

Meanwhile in other uh ABC news, young

Meanwhile in other uh ABC news young

Jimmy Kimmel's coming back to

television.

television

I'll tell you, Jimmy Kimmel's flying

I'll tell you Jimmy Kimmel's flying

high like Advil today.

high like Advil today

See the minute? Boom. Advil's like,

See the minute Boom Advil's like

"What's up, motherucker?"

What's up motherucker

You got a headache. Where you going to

You got a headache Where you going to

turn?

turn

No. Kimmel's coming back. that campaign

No Kimmel's coming back that campaign

and I you know what I'm joking around. I

and I you know what I'm joking around I

want to say this seriously. That

want to say this seriously That

campaign that you all launched

pretending that you were going to cancel

Hulu

while secretly racing through four

seasons of only murders in the building.

seasons of only murders in the building

I really were. Congratulations.

I really were Congratulations

Wasn't it wasn't it interesting to try

and figure out all the tentacles Disney

has in your daily life?

has in your daily life

It's one thing to swear off cruises, but

It's one thing to swear off cruises but

the Avengers, no.

the Avengers no

How is it possible that by getting rid

of one company, I can't watch Winnie the

of one company I can't watch Winnie the

Pooh or Monday Night Football

or listen to early Hillary Duff.

or listen to early Hillary Duff

So yesterday,

So yesterday

I would sing more of it. Obviously

I would sing more of it Obviously

Disney is very latgious.

Disney is very latgious

It was uh rather shocking that this

turnaround occurred because I was told

that the original decision to get rid of

Jimmy had nothing to do with the Trump

administration and their explicit FCC

threat that they could remove the show

the easy way or the hard way. My gosh,

the easy way or the hard way My gosh

this has nothing to do with Donald Trump

not agreeing with anything Jimmy Kimmel

said or not.

said or not

>> I mean, gee Willickers

>> I mean gee Willickers

all my days.

all my days

I mean, I don't know why people would

I mean I don't know why people would

think that. We just randomly remove one

think that We just randomly remove one

show a week. If Donald Trump wanted to

show a week If Donald Trump wanted to

take everyone off the air who had

criticisms for him, there would

criticisms for him there would

basically only be a handful of

individuals left on television.

individuals left on television

>> That is

that that that is funny,

that that that is funny

but it's also maybe a cause for

self-reflection.

self-reflection

Hey, if everyone on TV is criticizing

Hey if everyone on TV is criticizing

me, except for like four people and one

me except for like four people and one

of them is my daughter-in-law,

of them is my daughter-in-law

am I the drama?

am I the drama

[Applause]

Applause

>> Don't take my word for it. Ask Trump.

>> Don't take my word for it Ask Trump

>> I'm a very strong person for free

speech.

speech

[Applause]

Applause

Almost inevitably a statement like that

will be followed up by a but however

although that being said but if you

really it's like one of those phrases

like I don't see color

but

so Trump's saying he's strong for free

speech. Well, let's see that big butt of

speech Well let's see that big butt of

yours.

yours

>> At the same time, when you have networks

>> At the same time when you have networks

that where I won an election like in

counties, I guess it's 2,600 to 525.

counties I guess it's 2600 to 525

That's called landslide

a landslide times two.

a landslide times two

>> Yeah. Um

>> Yeah Um

[Applause]

Applause

I don't know if you're aware of this. Uh

I don't know if you're aware of this Uh

we don't quantify elections by county.

we don't quantify elections by county

We never have. We don't judge the

We never have We don't judge the

election by how many counties one person

wins and one person loses. Presidents

wins and one person loses Presidents

don't ever say, "Well, I lost the

don't ever say Well I lost the

popular vote in the electoral college,

popular vote in the electoral college

but I won the land mass." That's not how

but I won the land mass That's not how

these go.

these go

So Trump is up 2,600 counties to 525.

So Trump is up 2600 counties to 525

And I guess if you were to divide that

by the negativity directed at him, but

by the negativity directed at him but

97 94 95 96% of the people are

97 94 95 96 of the people are

against me in the sense of the the

newscasts are against me. The stories

newscasts are against me The stories

are 90 they said 97% bad. So they gave

are 90 they said 97 bad So they gave

me 97 they'll take a great story and

they'll make it bad.

they'll make it bad

You see what we have here, people? 2600

You see what we have here people 2600

counties minus 525 counties divided

by97.

by97

[Music]

Music

I think you see what this all adds up

to.

>> See, I think that's really illegal,

>> See I think that's really illegal

personally.

personally

>> Boo.

>> Boo

Let me explain something. Free speech

Let me explain something Free speech

has always been a ratio. If the county

has always been a ratio If the county

vote were more equal, you could take a

vote were more equal you could take a

good story and make it bad without being

jailed. But as our founders stated in

jailed But as our founders stated in

the Constitution, when the delta between

the Constitution when the delta between

the sigma of counties divided by

factorials of negativity are greater

than pi,

than pi

your inalienable rights turn into more

of a expired group. I'm sorry. That's

of a expired group I'm sorry That's

how it goes. I didn't make the rules.

how it goes I didn't make the rules

Blame the founders. Now, free speech.

Blame the founders Now free speech

Free speech isn't the only tentpost of a

free society facing redefinition.

free society facing redefinition

There's also this.

There's also this

>> We're bringing back law and order to our

country.

country

>> Oh, we're not talking about the show.

>> Oh we're not talking about the show

Oh, okay.

Oh okay

Cuz I'm not sure that's ever left us.

Cuz I'm not sure that's ever left us

He's talking about law and order as a

foundational principle of civilized

society. So, how does Donald Trump

society So how does Donald Trump

propose bringing law and order back?

propose bringing law and order back

>> President Trump is publicly putting

pressure on the Department of Justice

and Attorney General Pam Bondi. In a

and Attorney General Pam Bondi In a

post on True Social, the president said,

post on True Social the president said

"What about Comey, Adam Shifty Schiff,

What about Comey Adam Shifty Schiff

Leticia, they're all guilty as hell, but

Leticia they're all guilty as hell but

nothing is going to be done." Adding

nothing is going to be done Adding

justice must be served. You post that

justice must be served You post that

publicly, sir. Far be it for me to tell

publicly sir Far be it for me to tell

you how to run your post judicial

lawfare.

lawfare

But do we all have to be copied on this

[ __ ]

We know. We know you and Bondi talk in

We know We know you and Bondi talk in

private.

private

Epstein. Oh, I'm sorry.

Epstein Oh I'm sorry

I have a Epstein's file. A cold. I have

I have a Epstein's file A cold I have

a cold.

a cold

Now, most people would think a president

Now most people would think a president

ordering his independent Department of

Justice to go after his political

opponents is weaponizing the Department

of Justice. It's why most people don't

of Justice It's why most people don't

work in this administration. And it is

work in this administration And it is

not weaponizing the Department of

Justice to demand accountability for

those who weaponized the Department of

Justice.

Justice

[Applause]

Applause

Yes,

Yes

this is lawfare. But this law fair is

this is lawfare But this law fair is

only fair because of how he fared under

I've run out of road for the metaphor,

I've run out of road for the metaphor

but I think you understand.

but I think you understand

But look, man, if if Leticia James

But look man if if Leticia James

committed a crime, she should be held

committed a crime she should be held

accountable. But what if she hadn't

accountable But what if she hadn't

committed a crime?

committed a crime

>> Trump forced out top federal prosecutor

Eric Seabbert after his office failed to

find incriminating evidence against New

York Attorney General Leticia James. He

York Attorney General Leticia James He

he fired him for not finding evidence.

he fired him for not finding evidence

Trump is going full devils wears Prada

on this one. I want an indictment for

on this one I want an indictment for

Leticia James on my desk or you're

fired.

fired

But Mr. Trump, it's 3:00 in the morning

But Mr Trump it's 3:00 in the morning

and she didn't do anything. You woke

and she didn't do anything You woke

[ __ ]

There's a thousand girls who would take

your place in a second and that sweater

is pedestrian.

is pedestrian

as my I've never seen the movie, so I

as my I've never seen the movie so I

don't I if you've seen the movie, you

don't I if you've seen the movie you

probably go, I don't think that's the

probably go I don't think that's the

movie.

movie

By the way, uh this Seabert fella was

By the way uh this Seabert fella was

appointed by Trump earlier this year.

appointed by Trump earlier this year

Look, at this point, it's so blatantly

Look at this point it's so blatantly

an abuse of power and yet his defenders

continue to reframe this as refreshing.

continue to reframe this as refreshing

>> He's asking his attorney general in a

public way to go after his political

enemies. very open about it. You're okay

enemies very open about it You're okay

with that?

with that

>> Well, I I think what we know is

>> Well I I think what we know is

President Trump is very open and

transparent with the American people and

he speaks his mind and that's what

that's what his supporters love about

him and that's what America loves about

him.

him

>> No, that's what America loves about

>> No that's what America loves about

Dolly Parton.

Dolly Parton

Transparent, speaks of mind.

Transparent speaks of mind

Yet Dolly rarely jails her political

enemies.

enemies

[Applause]

Applause

I mean, Senator Mark Wayne or Mark

I mean Senator Mark Wayne or Mark

hyphen Wayne back/mullen.

hyphen Wayne back/mullen

Do you want to know how embarrassing

your weak need rationalizations for

jailing political opponents ring? I'm

jailing political opponents ring I'm

going to play you a clip of a fellow

senator, a fellow Republican senator.

senator a fellow Republican senator

>> By the way, that's majority opinion, not

>> By the way that's majority opinion not

just here.

just here

Now, Cruz has supported this president

Now Cruz has supported this president

through insults to his own wife's looks

and to his own father's loyalties. And

and to his own father's loyalties And

yet, Cruz still manages to maintain a

yet Cruz still manages to maintain a

modicum of self-respect when it comes to

this president trampling all over our

Constitution. Sir, it brings me no

Constitution Sir it brings me no

pleasure

to have to play this.

to have to play this

>> Look, I like Brendan Carr. He's a good

>> Look I like Brendan Carr He's a good

guy. He's the chairman of the FCC. I

guy He's the chairman of the FCC I

work closely with him. But what he said

work closely with him But what he said

there is dangerous as hell.

there is dangerous as hell

>> Fantastic.

>> Fantastic

Fantastic.

Fantastic

Senator Ted Cruz boldly stating that the

FCC chairman threatening the licenses of

networks is dangerous. And Senator Cruz,

networks is dangerous And Senator Cruz

I would just say, uh, maybe you should

I would just say uh maybe you should

stop there. I would stop there. I would

stop there I would stop there I would

not continue with the thought. Perfect.

not continue with the thought Perfect

No notes.

No notes

All right, go on.

All right go on

>> And and I got to say, he he he he

>> And and I got to say he he he he

threatens it. He says, "We can do this

threatens it He says We can do this

the easy way, but we can do this the

the easy way but we can do this the

hard way."

hard way

The [ __ ]

The __

What sort of impress the hard way?

What sort of impress the hard way

Oh, what kind of mobster have you ever

Oh what kind of mobster have you ever

heard?

heard

We could do this the hard way.

We could do this the hard way

Dad, we could do it the easy way. The

Dad we could do it the easy way The

hard way. Easy or hard?

hard way Easy or hard

That's not the Godfather. That's Lenny

That's not the Godfather That's Lenny

from Mice and Men.

from Mice and Men

All right. Hey, the bunny. The bunny can

All right Hey the bunny The bunny can

do it. Daisy the hard way.

do it Daisy the hard way

You got you got more, Senator, don't

You got you got more Senator don't

you? And

you And

>> I got to say that's right out of Good

fellows. That that that's right out of a

fellows That that that's right out of a

mafioso coming into a bar going, "Nice

mafioso coming into a bar going Nice

bar you have here. It'd be a shame if

bar you have here It'd be a shame if

something happened to it.

something happened to it

[Applause]

Applause

That's not a good fella's quote."

That's not a good fella's quote

I know this because all of my decorative

pillows have Good fellas quotes on them.

pillows have Good fellas quotes on them

I mean, I would go home. I would say

I mean I would go home I would say

that's me at home. Look at me.

that's me at home Look at me

Now, Senator, uh uh a lesser man might

Now Senator uh uh a lesser man might

tell you to go home and get your shine

box, but I don't cuz you wouldn't even

box but I don't cuz you wouldn't even

know what that means,

know what that means

Ted Cruz. I mean, to do that with Good

Ted Cruz I mean to do that with Good

Fellas, with that accent, is there

Fellas with that accent is there

anything in pop culture that I love that

you can't ruin? But

you can't ruin But

>> Dad, I'm a vegetarian. I don't eat

>> Dad I'm a vegetarian I don't eat

animals. But Lisa, animals are so

animals But Lisa animals are so

delicious. There's the animal we get

delicious There's the animal we get

bacon from, the animal we get ham from,

bacon from the animal we get ham from

the animal we get sausage from. Dad,

the animal we get sausage from Dad

that's all the same animal. Smithers,

that's all the same animal Smithers

release the hounds.

release the hounds

Excellent.

Excellent

[Applause]

Applause

>> They're not booing. They're saying boos.

>> They're not booing They're saying boos

Imagine

[Applause]

Applause

having to endure a Texas power outage

with this guy.

with this guy

Who wants to hear my appoo? Anyone?

Who wants to hear my appoo Anyone

>> Well, he ruined my love of the Simpsons.

>> Well he ruined my love of the Simpsons

At least I've still got my favorite

franchise, Star Wars, all to myself, so

franchise Star Wars all to myself so

I don't have to.

I don't have to

>> The Force is strong with this one.

>> The Force is strong with this one

There is no tribe. Do or do not.

There is no tribe Do or do not

At best, he sounds like Yoda with a

At best he sounds like Yoda with a

sinus infection

[Applause]

Applause

trying not to come.

trying not to come

[Applause]

Applause

You are Duke.

You are Duke

>> You may enjoy Star Wars, said Chris, but

>> You may enjoy Star Wars said Chris but

there's one thing we'll never have in

common, and that's my comfort movie, The

common and that's my comfort movie The

Princess Bride. A fantastical tale of

Princess Bride A fantastical tale of

adventure and true love. With an

adventure and true love With an

outstanding cast and Oh, you know what's

outstanding cast and Oh you know what's

coming. You know what's coming.

coming You know what's coming

With an outstanding cast, including the

With an outstanding cast including the

Inevitable.

Inevitable

>> Oh, it just roll it. So, what is it you

>> Oh it just roll it So what is it you

have that's so worth living for?

have that's so worth living for

>> Presses on his chest and and Wesley

goes, "True love."

goes True love

>> Liar. Shut up, witch. I'm not a witch.

>> Liar Shut up witch I'm not a witch

I'm your wife, but after what you just

I'm your wife but after what you just

said, I wish I wasn't. Don't say that

said I wish I wasn't Don't say that

name. What? Humpick. Humping. Humpty

name What Humpick Humping Humpty

hunk. I can't hear you. So,

hunk I can't hear you So

>> wow. That was a straight I'm like a

>> wow That was a straight I'm like a

oneman show.

oneman show

Do you know how hard it is to make Mario

Lopez uncomfortable?

Lopez uncomfortable

>> Truly.

>> Truly

Mario Lopez,

Mario Lopez

the man who need I remind you did this

dance in a tank tea in front of everyone

at the max.

at the max

Look, I don't want to get sidetracked by

Look I don't want to get sidetracked by

Ted Cruz's Vegas residency. I just want

Ted Cruz's Vegas residency I just want

to say this to Trump's defenders. You

to say this to Trump's defenders You

don't have to bend over backwards trying

to make Trump's authoritarian power

grabs seem like the rule of law. He does

grabs seem like the rule of law He does

not give a [ __ ] anymore. He's saying it

not give a __ anymore He's saying it

straight up. Trump is saying the people

straight up Trump is saying the people

like dictators. Trump is saying, "I hate

like dictators Trump is saying I hate

my opponents and I want them punished."

my opponents and I want them punished

And Trump is saying, "I'll use all the

And Trump is saying I'll use all the

levers of government at my disposal to

accomplish that goal." So, you can get

accomplish that goal So you can get

on board with that and say, "I'm with

on board with that and say I'm with

that." Or you can join the rest of us

that Or you can join the rest of us

and fight like hell for this

constitutional.

constitutional

Let me tell you something.

Let me tell you something

Let me tell you something.

Let me tell you something

Hold on.

Hold on

It is a form of representational

government worth preserving and

defending.

defending

And as the great Winston Churchill once

said,

said

>> we shall never surrender.

>> we shall never surrender

Mother,

Mother

>> we are living in crazy times right now.

>> we are living in crazy times right now

People are feeling worried and

depressed. However, there is some good

depressed However there is some good

news. The world is ending. The end is

news The world is ending The end is

near. At least that's what one corner of

near At least that's what one corner of

Tik Tok is claiming.

Tik Tok is claiming

>> My fellow Christians out there, I want

>> My fellow Christians out there I want

this video to help one another.

this video to help one another

>> It's being called Rapture Talk. A

>> It's being called Rapture Talk A

convinced contingent of Tik Tok users

who claim the rapture is happening

today. Some even claiming to be selling

today Some even claiming to be selling

all their possessions. One man says he

all their possessions One man says he

got rid of his car.

got rid of his car

>> I'm catching a flight to heaven in

September anyway. Oh, I need the car.

September anyway Oh I need the car

>> You're going to heaven without a car?

>> You're going to heaven without a car

Good luck getting laid up there, buddy.

Good luck getting laid up there buddy

Listen, if I believed my earthly body

Listen if I believed my earthly body

was going to leave this worldly realm,

was going to leave this worldly realm

my first reaction would not be to turn a

profit on Carvana.

profit on Carvana

Come September, I will stand naked

Come September I will stand naked

before my creator. Are you interested in

before my creator Are you interested in

a 2017 Kia Sarrento?

a 2017 Kia Sarrento

By the way, I just want to say how

By the way I just want to say how

unfair the Tik Tok algorithm is. It's

unfair the Tik Tok algorithm is It's

giving some people a heads up about the

end of the world. Mine is just all

end of the world Mine is just all

videos of guys powerwashing sidewalks.

videos of guys powerwashing sidewalks

And while some people may or may not

depart this mortal coil, for those of us

depart this mortal coil for those of us

left behind, there is a lot of [ __ ] we

left behind there is a lot of __ we

have to deal with. Chief among those,

have to deal with Chief among those

our president.

our president

Yesterday, Donald Trump held a major

Yesterday Donald Trump held a major

press conference to announce the cause

of autism and also to announce that RFK

Jr. is officially a weirder color than

Jr is officially a weirder color than

him now.

him now

Now,

Now

it's just not natural. Now, we've known

it's just not natural Now we've known

for a while that this administration has

wanted to blame autism on vaccines, but

wanted to blame autism on vaccines but

yesterday's big announcement came with a

plot twist. First uh effective

plot twist First uh effective

immediately the FDA will be notifying

physicians that the use of said well

let's see how we say that

>> acetaminophen

acetaminophen

is that okay

which is basically commonly known as

Tylenol

Tylenol at least you finish strong now I

don't want to suggest there's been some

disconcerting cognit nitive decline. But

disconcerting cognit nitive decline But

back in 2020, that mofo could spit out

back in 2020 that mofo could spit out

hydroxychloricquin no problem.

hydroxychloricquin no problem

So, everyone was waiting for Trump to

So everyone was waiting for Trump to

blame autism on vaccines. But he zagged

blame autism on vaccines But he zagged

and blamed Tylenol, which is especially

and blamed Tylenol which is especially

strange because nearly all health

officials say there's no causal link

between acetaminophen and autism.

between acetaminophen and autism

However, Trump has his own

However Trump has his own

recommendation. Tylenol

recommendation Tylenol

during pregnancy can be associated

with a very increased

risk of autism.

risk of autism

So, taking Tylenol

So taking Tylenol

is uh not good. Don't take Tylenol.

is uh not good Don't take Tylenol

Don't have your baby take Tylenol. Don't

Don't have your baby take Tylenol Don't

take Tylenol.

take Tylenol

There's no downside. Don't take it.

There's no downside Don't take it

Don't take Tylenol. But with Tylenol,

Don't take Tylenol But with Tylenol

don't take it. Nothing bad can happen.

don't take it Nothing bad can happen

It can only good happen.

It can only good happen

[Applause]

Applause

Ask your doctor if it can only good

happen for you.

happen for you

Trump is so pissed at Tylenol, he's

Trump is so pissed at Tylenol he's

going to start bombing the pain reliever

aisles at Walgreens. Jokes on you,

aisles at Walgreens Jokes on you

Trump. Even missiles can't get through

Trump Even missiles can't get through

that plexiglass.

that plexiglass

You're going to have to ring the

customer service button like the rest of

us.

You can tell Trump doesn't understand

what a woman goes through during

pregnancy. But as a dad who didn't miss

pregnancy But as a dad who didn't miss

a single appointment, it's not true that

a single appointment it's not true that

only good can happen if you don't take

Tylenol. Not treating a pregnant woman's

Tylenol Not treating a pregnant woman's

fever could cause irreparable harm

before the baby comes out of her butt.

before the baby comes out of her butt

Read a parenting book, Trump. And Trump

Read a parenting book Trump And Trump

wasn't just playing fast and loose with

acetaminophen. He made sure to throw

acetaminophen He made sure to throw

some antivax classics in there, too.

some antivax classics in there too

>> And by the way, I think I can say that

>> And by the way I think I can say that

there are certain groups of people that

don't take vaccines and don't take any

pills that have no autism.

pills that have no autism

That have no autism.

That have no autism

Does that tell you something? That's

Does that tell you something That's

currently Is that a correct statement,

currently Is that a correct statement

by the way?

by the way

[Applause]

Applause

>> No. But you you had fun out there and

>> No But you you had fun out there and

that's all that matters.

that's all that matters

But, you know, for the future, typically

But you know for the future typically

a president should check something

before announcing it to the nation. I

before announcing it to the nation I

mean, this is literally how they fact

mean this is literally how they fact

check on the Joe Rogan experience.

check on the Joe Rogan experience

If you have sex in space, your dick will

If you have sex in space your dick will

actually explode because of gravity

stuff. Is that a correct statement?

stuff Is that a correct statement

>> So, as we wait for the fact check, let's

>> So as we wait for the fact check let's

uh let's hear some of the data you've

collected. You have certain groups, the

collected You have certain groups the

Amish as an example,

Amish as an example

they have essentially no autism. They

they have essentially no autism They

doesn't exist with the Amish community

and they don't take all of this junk. Uh

and they don't take all of this junk Uh

it doesn't exist.

it doesn't exist

Are the Amish the the best control group

for this?

for this

So based on the Amish, the cure for

So based on the Amish the cure for

autism could either be not taking

Tylenol or being scared of a Roomba.

Tylenol or being scared of a Roomba

Now, Trump didn't flat out say that kids

Now Trump didn't flat out say that kids

shouldn't get vaccinated, but he did

shouldn't get vaccinated but he did

argue that the shot should be spread out

rather than combined. And he had a very

rather than combined And he had a very

unusual explanation for why. It's too

unusual explanation for why It's too

much liquid, too many different things

much liquid too many different things

are going into that baby at too big at

too big a number. You have a little

too big a number You have a little

child, little fragile child, and you get

child little fragile child and you get

a a vat of 80 different vaccines, I

a a vat of 80 different vaccines I

guess, and they pump so much stuff into

guess and they pump so much stuff into

those beautiful little babies. They're

those beautiful little babies They're

pumping. It looks like they're pumping

pumping It looks like they're pumping

into a horse.

into a horse

[Applause]

Applause

I'm I'm sorry. They're pumping vats of

I'm I'm sorry They're pumping vats of

liquid into the babies like horses. Are

liquid into the babies like horses Are

you sure you were at the pediatrician's

office and not the Kentucky Derby?

office and not the Kentucky Derby

these poor babies. They inject them,

these poor babies They inject them

hammer shoes on their feet, a little man

hammer shoes on their feet a little man

rides them around in a circle. It's

rides them around in a circle It's

inhumane.

inhumane

Look, to me, doesn't sound like Donald

Look to me doesn't sound like Donald

Trump knows what he's talking about.

Trump knows what he's talking about

Presumably, he has done enough research

Presumably he has done enough research

on vaccines to be an expert at this

point.

point

>> The MMR, I think, should be taken

>> The MMR I think should be taken

separately. The uh MS, measles, and and

separately The uh MS measles and and

all the three should be taken

separately.

separately

Yes, the MMR vaccine. MS, measles, and I

Yes the MMR vaccine MS measles and I

want to say Ringo. Probably.

want to say Ringo Probably

Forget about taking them together. Trump

Forget about taking them together Trump

can't even say them together. The whole

can't even say them together The whole

point of this press conference was to

finally give answers to families that

have been desperate for decades. So, for

have been desperate for decades So for

everyone's sake, will you please give us

everyone's sake will you please give us

some assurance that these bold claims

are built on concrete evidence?

are built on concrete evidence

>> This is based on what I feel.

>> This is based on what I feel

Damn it. You know what? I never thought

Damn it You know what I never thought

I'd say this, but maybe we should all do

I'd say this but maybe we should all do

our own research.

our own research

It's no secret Donald Trump sympathizes

with Russia in its war against Ukraine.

with Russia in its war against Ukraine

He blamed Ukraine for getting invaded.

He blamed Ukraine for getting invaded

He bered its president in the Oval

Office. And he made the ultimate gesture

Office And he made the ultimate gesture

of friendship to Vladimir Putin, picking

of friendship to Vladimir Putin picking

him up at the airport. So,

him up at the airport So

safe to assume he spent this week at the

UN continuing his fullthroated support

of Russia. Breaking news we are

of Russia Breaking news we are

following this morning. President Trump

following this morning President Trump

reversed his position on the war and

voiced confidence that Ukraine can

regain its territory seized by Russia.

regain its territory seized by Russia

Trump writing in part, "Ukraine would be

Trump writing in part Ukraine would be

able to take back their country in its

original form and who knows, maybe even

original form and who knows maybe even

go further than that." Damn.

go further than that Damn

Trump went from Ukraine needs to accept

Russian invasion to they need to invade

Russia.

Russia

When this all began, Trump said he'd end

When this all began Trump said he'd end

this war on day one. And instead, we've

this war on day one And instead we've

now joined both sides.

now joined both sides

I guess you can't lose a war if you're

on both sides. Now, let's not overreact

on both sides Now let's not overreact

here. Trump isn't exactly known for his

here Trump isn't exactly known for his

consistent positions. He could just as

consistent positions He could just as

easily switch sides again tomorrow if

he, I don't know, gets complimented by a

he I don't know gets complimented by a

Russian lady or sees a photo of that dog

that looks like Vladimir Putin.

that looks like Vladimir Putin

Oh. Oh. Who pushes his opponents out the

Oh Oh Who pushes his opponents out the

window? You do. You do.

window You do You do

But still, this is a surprising

But still this is a surprising

development. Maybe Trump changed his

development Maybe Trump changed his

position after coming to a better

understanding of the geopolitical

implications of the situation.

implications of the situation

Or perhaps it was something a bit more

personal.

personal

>> Last month, President Trump rolled out

>> Last month President Trump rolled out

the red carpet for Vladimir Putin in

Alaska, but is now sharing frustration.

Alaska but is now sharing frustration

I thought that was going to be the

easiest one because of my relationship

with Putin, but unfortunately that

with Putin but unfortunately that

relationship didn't mean anything.

relationship didn't mean anything

>> This season of the Golden Bachelor is

[ __ ] weird.

__ weird

Hey, you know what? You know what? What?

Hey you know what You know what What

Don't get down on yourself, Donald. It's

Don't get down on yourself Donald It's

not your fault the relationship didn't

work out. Who could have known not to

work out Who could have known not to

trust Russian dictator Vladimir Putin?

trust Russian dictator Vladimir Putin

You're not a mind readader. But whether

You're not a mind readader But whether

it was pursuing strategic objectives or

merely getting tired of boys, this was a

merely getting tired of boys this was a

major development. Unfortunately, it was

major development Unfortunately it was

overshadowed by another international

incident.

incident

>> The president was joined by the first

lady today as he made his big address at

the United Nations. But they had a bit

the United Nations But they had a bit

of trouble on the way. They were taking

of trouble on the way They were taking

an escalator when it stopped working,

an escalator when it stopped working

leaving the first couple no other choice

but to walk the rest of the way up.

but to walk the rest of the way up

Yeah. I I like how he's just looking

Yeah I I like how he's just looking

around when it broke, thinking, do I

around when it broke thinking do I

walk up these 15 stairs or do I just

live here now?

live here now

But hey, this is a pretty standard

But hey this is a pretty standard

inconvenience. I'm sure we will never

inconvenience I'm sure we will never

hear about it again. Unless, of course,

hear about it again Unless of course

there's an entire right-wing media

apparatus built on grievance and

hyperbole that wants to breathlessly

recount it as a heroine brush with

danger. Trump and Melania were riding it

danger Trump and Melania were riding it

up and it just stopped. The first lady

up and it just stopped The first lady

lost her balance a bit but steadied

herself thankfully and then marched to

the top. She could have been hurt.

the top She could have been hurt

>> It came to a grinding halt and you can

even see them kind of slightly lurching

forward. This is serious stuff. It's

forward This is serious stuff It's

sitting ducks. If, god forbid, there was

sitting ducks If god forbid there was

a security threat,

a security threat

>> they could have hurt the most beautiful

first lady in American history.

first lady in American history

>> Oh my god, you monsters. We're not

>> Oh my god you monsters We're not

talking about some ugo Elanor Roosevelt

here. No,

here No

you could have hurt someone hot.

you could have hurt someone hot

It's a good thing Melania is in such

good shape. And it's it's a good thing

good shape And it's it's a good thing

Trump's ankles are the size of car

tires.

tires

You all laughed at his cankles, but

You all laughed at his cankles but

guess who's sturdy as a redwood? This

guess who's sturdy as a redwood This

cankle heaven mother.

cankle heaven mother

Now, the UN released a statement saying

Now the UN released a statement saying

somebody at the top of the escalator

inadvertently triggered a safety

mechanism. So, it seems like the whole

mechanism So it seems like the whole

thing is just a a silly coincidence.

thing is just a a silly coincidence

Coincidence or sabotage?

Coincidence or sabotage

>> It doesn't look like a coincidence to

me.

>> Something more nefarious happening than

just simple technical glitches.

just simple technical glitches

>> Absolute sabotage. I've been c caught on

>> Absolute sabotage I've been c caught on

like five elevators in my life. An

like five elevators in my life An

escalator has never stopped working mid

escalation.

escalation

>> I find it bizarre that just

coincidentally

all these things just don't happen to

work for the president when they work

for everybody else.

for everybody else

>> Are we really doing this?

>> Are we really doing this

Are we going all in on the president

being a victim of escalator sabotage

because the deep state wants him to get

his steps in?

his steps in

Can we just have a day? People, I will

Can we just have a day People I will

admit it's a little suspicious that the

escalator just happened to break for

Trump. But on the other hand, things do

Trump But on the other hand things do

break a lot around him. You know, I pay

break a lot around him You know I pay

all this money to teleprompter people

and I'd say 20% of the time they don't

and I'd say 20 of the time they don't

work. They don't work.

work They don't work

>> And I apologize for those lights. The

>> And I apologize for those lights The

only place I don't have a lights up

here.

here

>> I feel like I'm I'm in a sauna. So, I

>> I feel like I'm I'm in a sauna So I

don't know what hotel this is, but you

don't know what hotel this is but you

ought to try turning on the air

conditioning. I think this mic stinks,

conditioning I think this mic stinks

by the way.

by the way

>> So, maybe it's not a coincidence. I

>> So maybe it's not a coincidence I

mean, why does everything around Trump

mean why does everything around Trump

break? Is he Is he being followed around

break Is he Is he being followed around

by gremlins? Is that okay? Yeah. Maybe

by gremlins Is that okay Yeah Maybe

maybe that actually that that that could

be that

that might be it. That might be it. So,

that might be it That might be it So

conservative media is furious that Trump

was attacked by a stopped escalator. And

was attacked by a stopped escalator And

apparently some of them are furious that

his people did nothing about it. But

his people did nothing about it But

that's a major security failure. And I

that's a major security failure And I

was more, you know, stunned at the

was more you know stunned at the

reaction. Like the leader of the free

reaction Like the leader of the free

world is on the Ella escalate and Secret

Service is looking like what do we do?

Service is looking like what do we do

>> Yeah. What do we do? Do we just let this

>> Yeah What do we do Do we just let this

grown man walk upstairs?

grown man walk upstairs

What do you want Secret Service to do?

What do you want Secret Service to do

Wouldn't it have been more embarrassing

if they had rushed in and made a big

deal out of it? Thrown Trump over their

deal out of it Thrown Trump over their

shoulder like a a kid having a meltdown

leaving the Magic Kingdom.

leaving the Magic Kingdom

But look, there's no point trying to

But look there's no point trying to

reason with them now. The right-wing

reason with them now The right-wing

train is leaving the station. So,

train is leaving the station So

naturally, the White House is jumping on

naturally the White House is jumping on

board.

board

>> Well, there was some concerning

>> Well there was some concerning

reporting over the weekend from the

London Times, as you pointed out, that

London Times as you pointed out that

UN globalist staffers were basically

plotting to set up the president of the

United States. And if we find that these

United States And if we find that these

were UN staffers who were purposefully

trying to trip up, literally trip up the

trying to trip up literally trip up the

president and the first lady of the

United States, well, there better be

United States well there better be

accountability for those people. And I

accountability for those people And I

will personally see to it, Jesse,

will personally see to it Jesse

>> good.

>> good

[Applause]

Applause

Can you people please decide if Trump is

the strongest man who has ever walked

the earth or a sickly child with hollow

bird bones who will crumble if he walks

up three stairs.

up three stairs

Now remember, the UN already gave an

Now remember the UN already gave an

official explanation about why the

escalator stopped. But see if you think

escalator stopped But see if you think

the president's TV friends are buying

it. The spokesperson for the UN general

it The spokesperson for the UN general

secretary said this as the videographer

who was tra I don't buy this by the way

was traveling backwards up the escalator

reached the top. The first lady followed

reached the top The first lady followed

by the President Trump each mounted the

steps at the bottom. At that moment it

steps at the bottom At that moment it

was 9:50 a.m. if you're counting at

was 9:50 am if you're counting at

home. The escalator came to a stop. Dot

home The escalator came to a stop Dot

dot dot dot dot dots.

dot dot dot dot dots

We're making ellipses feel sinister now.

We're making ellipses feel sinister now

What are these dots? What are they

What are these dots What are they

hiding? And don't get me started on

hiding And don't get me started on

semicolons. Are you a period or a comma?

semicolons Are you a period or a comma

Pick one.

Pick one

But also, why does Brian Kilme think he

But also why does Brian Kilme think he

knows better than the UN officials? What

knows better than the UN officials What

makes him an expert on escalators? It's

makes him an expert on escalators It's

never happened to me before. I do a lot

never happened to me before I do a lot

of shopping, go to a lot of malls, uh,

of shopping go to a lot of malls uh

go to the second floor where the men's

stuff is.

stuff is

I go right to the men's floor. I don't

I go right to the men's floor I don't

stop at the kids floor. No, no, no. I

stop at the kids floor No no no I

shop in the I shop in the men's section.

shop in the I shop in the men's section

And even though sometimes a kid's double

XXL is basically a men's small and the

designs are cooler, but that's totally

designs are cooler but that's totally

not where I shop.

not where I shop

Sometimes I sneak into the Spencer

gifts, but my mom's not looking.

gifts but my mom's not looking

Look, I'm You know what? I'm sorry I

Look I'm You know what I'm sorry I

interrupted you. Brian Kilme, I'm sure

interrupted you Brian Kilme I'm sure

this story is going somewhere.

this story is going somewhere

>> Go to the second floor where the men's

stuff is, you know, cuz you're walking

stuff is you know cuz you're walking

on the first floor. Never happened to

on the first floor Never happened to

me.

>> Uh, that's great.

>> Uh that's great

That's it. Your whole story about the

That's it Your whole story about the

escalator is that you also once went up

an escalator.

an escalator

Another fascinating addition to the

discourse. And if I may also add, I too

discourse And if I may also add I too

have been on an escalator.

have been on an escalator

Uh that's great.

Uh that's great

Since retaking office, President Trump

Since retaking office President Trump

has been redecorating the White House to

reflect his personal style.

reflect his personal style

A style which can be best described as

C3PO's taint.

C3PO's taint

And it's a project that's still

continuing today.

continuing today

>> The White House is unveiling a

presidential walk of fame featuring

portraits of US presidents.

portraits of US presidents

>> Oh, you know, you know what? This is

>> Oh you know you know what This is

nice. If I was president, I wouldn't

nice If I was president I wouldn't

plaster every foot of the place with

gold. But if you're going to, this is a

gold But if you're going to this is a

nice inclusive gesture. Mr. Trump, I

nice inclusive gesture Mr Trump I

applaud your class. With the exception

applaud your class With the exception

of former President Joe Biden, the new

of former President Joe Biden the new

display just outside the Oval Office

along the colonade there shows a framed

photo of an auto pen writing Biden's

signature in place of the former

president's portrait.

president's portrait

>> Damn it, he got me. So apparently Trump

>> Damn it he got me So apparently Trump

is trolling Biden about the autopen

conspiracy. A hilarious burn that will

conspiracy A hilarious burn that will

make millions of Americans say, "Wait,

make millions of Americans say Wait

what was that about again?"

what was that about again

But enough of this dumb story about the

president's pettiness. Let's move on to

president's pettiness Let's move on to

a much more terrifying story about the

president's pettiness. This morning,

president's pettiness This morning

after an intense public pressure

campaign, sources tell ABC News

campaign sources tell ABC News

President Trump's new handpicked US

attorney plans to give him what he's

been demanding and seek to indict former

FBI director James Comey, despite other

FBI director James Comey despite other

prosecutors finding there's not enough

evidence to charge him with a crime.

evidence to charge him with a crime

>> I I don't know what's worse, Donald

>> I I don't know what's worse Donald

Trump weaponizing the Justice Department

or the fact that he's doing it to go

after James Comey. I mean, Trump, he's

after James Comey I mean Trump he's

the dude who got you elected president.

the dude who got you elected president

Remember, he announced a few days before

Remember he announced a few days before

election day that he was investigating

Hillary for her email server. And

Hillary for her email server And

America was like, "We can't have a

America was like We can't have a

president with such disrespect for

proper procedure. Let's elect Donald

proper procedure Let's elect Donald

Trump instead."

Trump instead

Like Donald.

Like Donald

Donald.

Donald

Donald, a question. A question. Donald,

Donald a question A question Donald

how can you go after a guy who played a

key role in you winning the election?

key role in you winning the election

What's next? Are you going to go after

What's next Are you going to go after

podcasts with names like the Cho Kings

or Reiding Out with the Jiz Brothers?

or Reiding Out with the Jiz Brothers

I mean, you don't even know if that's a

I mean you don't even know if that's a

real podcast or not. He may have

real podcast or not He may have

appeared on that. Look now, even though

appeared on that Look now even though

prosecutors say they don't have a case

against Comey, Trump seems to have found

against Comey Trump seems to have found

a loophole. Appoint a prosecutor who

a loophole Appoint a prosecutor who

doesn't care. Sources say the president

doesn't care Sources say the president

forced out his own appointed US attorney

for Eastern Virginia, replacing him with

for Eastern Virginia replacing him with

one of his personal lawyers, Lindseay

one of his personal lawyers Lindseay

Halligan.

Halligan

>> Wow. Wow. One of his personal lawyers.

>> Wow Wow One of his personal lawyers

She must have a ton of experience in the

criminal justice system.

criminal justice system

I bet she knows her way around a grand

jury.

jury

>> Halagan, an insurance lawyer, has never

>> Halagan an insurance lawyer has never

prosecuted a criminal case in her career

or presented evidence to a grand jury.

or presented evidence to a grand jury

>> Okay. Okay,

>> Okay Okay

this sounds bad, but at least she is a

this sounds bad but at least she is a

lawyer. I mean, in this administration,

lawyer I mean in this administration

that's well above the baseline there.

that's well above the baseline there

There was a really good chance he could

have appointed the Jiz brothers for this

job. But you got to figure if he's

job But you got to figure if he's

trusting Lindseay Hallan to go after his

political enemies, the vetting process

political enemies the vetting process

must have been extremely thorough. She

must have been extremely thorough She

told the Washington Post that she ended

up on Trump's legal team after showing

up at one of his golf events in a suit,

up at one of his golf events in a suit

prompting Trump to hire her just weeks

later.

later

>> This is how he picks members of his

team. You, the lady in the suit, come

team You the lady in the suit come

join my legal team.

join my legal team

Does Does Trump look at David Burn like,

Does Does Trump look at David Burn like

"Wow, you must have been top of the

Wow you must have been top of the

class at Harvard Law." Wow.

class at Harvard Law Wow

Wow.

Wow

And I'm all for dressing for the job you

want, but come on. She must have some

want but come on She must have some

other qualifications Trump valued.

other qualifications Trump valued

>> She's also a former contestant in Miss

Colorado, USA.

Colorado USA

>> This is all starting to make sense,

>> This is all starting to make sense

though. When when Trump hires people,

though When when Trump hires people

they're either beauty queens or the

ugliest bog creatures in the world.

ugliest bog creatures in the world

So, the bad news is Trump continues to

So the bad news is Trump continues to

appoint people to positions they're

completely unqualified for. But the good

completely unqualified for But the good

news is Trump continues to appoint

people to positions they're completely

unqualified for. In other words, don't

unqualified for In other words don't

worry James Comey, you don't have to

worry James Comey you don't have to

learn how to make toilet hooch just yet.

learn how to make toilet hooch just yet

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