Watch and Learn - Trump Uses The Shutdown To Punish Dems | Vance: We're Having A Good Time

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[Applause]

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Welcome, welcome friends, Romans,

Welcome welcome friends Romans

countrymen to the late show. I'm your

countrymen to the late show I'm your

host Steven Colbert. Ladies and

host Steven Colbert Ladies and

gentlemen,

gentlemen

as I speak, as I speak, we are on day

as I speak as I speak we are on day

two of the government shutdown. There's

two of the government shutdown There's

no end in sight. Services are closed.

no end in sight Services are closed

Federal workers are going without pay.

Federal workers are going without pay

Things are so rough. Uncle Sam is

Things are so rough Uncle Sam is

already selling feet pics.

already selling feet pics

Those little piggies

>> now. Pretty good. Yeah.

>> now Pretty good Yeah

Give him a 4.3 on Wiki Feet. Wow. Wow.

Give him a 43 on Wiki Feet Wow Wow

Donald Trump, of course, has tried every

Donald Trump of course has tried every

possible option to end the shutdown.

possible option to end the shutdown

He's blamed Democrats,

He's blamed Democrats

not only

not only but also not only is Trump not

trying to negotiate an end to the

shutdown, he's now using it as a way to

shutdown he's now using it as a way to

squash things he doesn't like, touting

squash things he doesn't like touting

his shutdown as an unprecedented

opportunity to cut more Democratic

priorities. Yes.

priorities Yes

>> Yeah.

>> Yeah

No, it's not a shutdown. It's a

No it's not a shutdown It's a

shuttunity.

shuttunity

>> You know what they say, when God closes

>> You know what they say when God closes

a food inspection program, he opens a

a food inspection program he opens a

Listeria outbreak.

Listeria outbreak

Or words to that effect. Or words that

Or words to that effect Or words that

effect.

effect

Listeria.

Listeria

Now, this isn't the first government

Now this isn't the first government

shutdown. This has happened many times

shutdown This has happened many times

before, even since we've been doing this

before even since we've been doing this

show. There's a process that you follow.

show There's a process that you follow

When a shutdown starts, people are

When a shutdown starts people are

what's called furoughed. Okay? They

what's called furoughed Okay They

don't come to work. They're not paid.

don't come to work They're not paid

But when the shutdown's over, everyone

But when the shutdown's over everyone

gets their job back, often with back

gets their job back often with back

pay. But now Trump is threatening to use

pay But now Trump is threatening to use

this excuse to to fire a whole bunch

more people from the federal government,

more people from the federal government

posting Republicans must use this

opportunity of Democrat forced closure to

clear out Deadwood.

clear out Deadwood

And I'm told, is this true? I'm told we

And I'm told is this true I'm told we

have a response from the Deadwood.

have a response from the Deadwood

>> Morning. Best time of day to go

>> Morning Best time of day to go

yourself.

yourself

>> Yeah,

>> Yeah

that's true.

that's true

>> Best part of waking up

in your cup.

in your cup

>> Keep in mind, my friends, uh,

>> Keep in mind my friends uh

Republicans control all three branches

of government, including both chambers

of government including both chambers

of Congress. But somehow somehow none of

of Congress But somehow somehow none of

this is their fault. The Democrats

this is their fault The Democrats

should know that they put the White

House and the president in this

position. And if they don't want further

position And if they don't want further

harm on their constituents back home,

harm on their constituents back home

then they need to reopen the government.

then they need to reopen the government

It's very simple. Pass the clean

It's very simple Pass the clean

continuing resolution and all of this

goes away.

goes away

>> Wow, that is weirdly threatening. Can we

>> Wow that is weirdly threatening Can we

Can we Can we see that from another

angle?

angle

>> Pass the clean continuing resolution and

all of this goes away.

all of this goes away

I got it. I still got it.

I got it I still got it

Not AI.

Not AI

Ted Cruz also weighed in to say how fun

he thinks uh it is that only Democrats

would be affected. President Trump is

would be affected President Trump is

going to use that as an opportunity not

to tell people you're furloughed for a few

days, but instead to send pink slips and

days but instead to send pink slips and

to get rid of left-wing bureaucrats who

who are imposing left-wing priorities

that are contrary to President Trump's

priorities.

priorities

>> Yes, we need to get rid of people who

>> Yes we need to get rid of people who

are contrary to President Trump's

priorities. And and what are those

priorities And and what are those

priorities again, Ted?

priorities again Ted

>> Let's stop attacking pedophiles.

>> Let's stop attacking pedophiles

Okay, thank you. I thought that's what

Okay thank you I thought that's what

the pro I think that's that fits. That

the pro I think that's that fits That

fits. Oh. Uh, I'm sorry, Ted. One more

fits Oh Uh I'm sorry Ted One more

thing.

thing

>> No more beardos.

>> No more beardos

[Applause]

Applause

>> Trump administration is using this

shutdown really to punish anyone who

didn't vote for him. They're cutting

didn't vote for him They're cutting

funding for federal projects in 16

states, all of which voted for Kamala

states all of which voted for Kamala

Harris in last year's election. For

Harris in last year's election For

instance, here in New York, they froze

instance here in New York they froze

$18 billion in federal funds for New

18 billion in federal funds for New

York City's mass transit system. You

York City's mass transit system You

think you can scare New Yorkers?

think you can scare New Yorkers

Really?

Really

You think? Come on, man. You think And

You think Come on man You think And

you And you think you can scare New

Yorkers by making the subways worse?

Yorkers by making the subways worse

I want I once saw a man on the F train

crack open and eat an entire aluminum

tray of chicken Alfredo.

tray of chicken Alfredo

It was 7 a.m. Nobody blinked.

It was 7 am Nobody blinked

They've also they've also frozen $8

They've also they've also frozen 8

billion in climate projects across 16

blue and purple states. Oh, so just the

blue and purple states Oh so just the

blue and purple states. That's good

blue and purple states That's good

because if we know anything about

climate, it doesn't cross state lines.

climate it doesn't cross state lines

You ever see a tornado go through the

Holland Tunnel? No. Case closed. Wait,

Holland Tunnel No Case closed Wait

hold on. Hold on one second. Milliondoll

hold on Hold on one second Milliondoll

movie idea. Tornado goes through Holland

movie idea Tornado goes through Holland

Tunnel.

Tunnel

Finds love.

Finds love

Title: Tunnel Twister. Call Mark

Title: Tunnel Twister Call Mark

Wahlberg.

Wahlberg

Did you get this to Wahlberg? Just send

Did you get this to Wahlberg Just send

Wahlberg the phone. Just send him the

Wahlberg the phone Just send him the

phone. Or Donnie. Either one. CBS.

phone Or Donnie Either one CBS

Now, folks, in case you're wondering

Now folks in case you're wondering

just how one-sided all all of this

retribution is, the Office of Management

retribution is the Office of Management

and Budget has not publicly announced

cuts that affected a state that backed

Trump in 2024. Well, that is good news.

Trump in 2024 Well that is good news

Look, that is good news for federal

Look that is good news for federal

projects in red states like North

Dakota's Ronald Reagan Oilfield and

Memorial Whitehouse. You know their slogan,

Memorial Whitehouse You know their slogan

drill, baby, drill.

drill baby drill

The

That's also from Deadwood. I think

That's also from Deadwood I think

that's in Deadwood, too.

that's in Deadwood too

>> The sticking point of the shutdown

negotiations has been healthcare. The

negotiations has been healthcare The

Democrats want to restore some of the

Affordable Care Act benefits the

Republicans cut earlier this year in the

the big beautiful bill, or as the

the big beautiful bill or as the

Republicans describe it,

Republicans describe it

>> they want to give taxpayer-funded health

care benefits to illegal aliens.

care benefits to illegal aliens

>> We won't agree to return to restore

healthcare to illegal aliens.

healthcare to illegal aliens

>> The Democrats are demanding free

healthcare for illegal aliens. The

healthcare for illegal aliens The

Democrats, their whole argument is, "We

Democrats their whole argument is We

are going to shut down the government

unless you give a trillion dollars for

medical benefits for illegal aliens."

medical benefits for illegal aliens

>> No, it's not their argument, beardo.

>> No it's not their argument beardo

>> It's not that's no one's proposing that.

>> It's not that's no one's proposing that

That's not true.

That's not true

>> That's that's that's not true, right TV

>> That's that's that's not true right TV

peoples?

peoples

>> That is not true. Illegal immigrants are

>> That is not true Illegal immigrants are

not eligible for federal healthc care

programs.

programs

>> Undocumented immigrants cannot sign up

for the Affordable Care Act coverage.

for the Affordable Care Act coverage

>> To be clear, this is not true.

>> To be clear this is not true

Undocumented immigrants are banned from

federally funded healthcare programs.

federally funded healthcare programs

>> Yeah. And if you're just going to

>> Yeah And if you're just going to

completely make up stupid fearing

arguments, at least make them fun.

arguments at least make them fun

Ladies and gentlemen, Democrats are

Ladies and gentlemen Democrats are

spending trillions of dollars so they

can Jurassic Park your children.

can Jurassic Park your children

It's shocking. They're going to trap

It's shocking They're going to trap

your child in amber,

your child in amber

suck out the baby blood, and then turn

suck out the baby blood and then turn

your child into little T-Rexes. The

your child into little T-Rexes The

worst part is The worst part, ladies and

worst part is The worst part ladies and

gentlemen,

gentlemen

they'll never be able to hug you.

they'll never be able to hug you

[Applause]

Applause

acting,

acting

not AI. Trump,

not AI Trump

he's so desperate to tell the lie the

Democrats want to throw a medical money

party at the undocumented that he has

spent the past few days posting AI

generated racist memes depicting House

Minority Leader Hakeem Jeffries wearing a

sombrero and a mustache. This is how

sombrero and a mustache This is how

This this is now our level of political

discourse. This is worse than the

discourse This is worse than the

Lincoln Douglas debates when Abe said,

Lincoln Douglas debates when Abe said

"Here's a drawing I did of Mr. Douglas

Here's a drawing I did of Mr Douglas

eating horse droppings. Don't vote for

eating horse droppings Don't vote for

Poopy Doug."

Poopy Doug

No, they don't teach you that in school.

No they don't teach you that in school

Now, the White House has got a lot of

Now the White House has got a lot of

blowback for such infantile bigotry, but

blowback for such infantile bigotry but

at least JD Vance did the right thing

and doubled down. Is it helpful to post

and doubled down Is it helpful to post

pictures of leader Jeff Sombrero if

you're trying to have good faith talks

with him?

with him

>> Oh, I think it's funny. The president's

>> Oh I think it's funny The president's

joking and we're having a good time.

joking and we're having a good time

I'll tell Jeff right now. I make this

I'll tell Jeff right now I make this

solemn promise to you that if you help

us reopen the government, the sombrero

us reopen the government the sombrero

memes will stop.

memes will stop

>> Okay. Okay. I didn't know that. If

>> Okay Okay I didn't know that If

that's how we're doing it, JD, then we

that's how we're doing it JD then we

here at the Late Show also enjoy humor.

here at the Late Show also enjoy humor

We've created our own funny good time

animation based on something that isn't

real to help end the shutdown. Enjoy.

real to help end the shutdown Enjoy

[Applause]

Applause

We're joking.

We're joking

We're joking. We're having a good time.

We're joking We're having a good time

Come on. It's a joke. You're having a

Come on It's a joke You're having a

good time. It's

good time It's

It's funny.

It's funny

And I'll tell you what, here's the deal.

And I'll tell you what here's the deal

If you resign as VP, I won't keep

If you resign as VP I won't keep

showing that every chance I get.

showing that every chance I get

And and and

I definitely won't put it on all of our

socials so people can share it and maybe

roll on a loop during their holiday

parties this year.

parties this year

Trump is not the only politician

turning to high tech these days. So is

turning to high tech these days So is

former New York governor and mayoral

candidate Andrew Cuomo, who just

candidate Andrew Cuomo who just

released this AI generated ad.

released this AI generated ad

>> I'm Andrew Cuomo and I could pretend to

do a lot of jobs, but I know what I know

do a lot of jobs but I know what I know

and I know what I don't know and I do

know how to make government work. There

know how to make government work There

are a lot of jobs I can't do, but I'm

are a lot of jobs I can't do but I'm

ready to be your mayor on day one.

ready to be your mayor on day one

>> Wow. I got to say it is really brave to

>> Wow I got to say it is really brave to

make your campaign message Andrew Cuomo

would suck at most things. We got a

would suck at most things We got a

great show for you tonight.

great show for you tonight

I'll be talking to Lady Gaga. Stick

I'll be talking to Lady Gaga Stick

around.

around

[Applause]

Applause

[Music]

Music

Yeah.

Yeah

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