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Welcome friends. [cheering]
Welcome
friends
cheering
Welcome friends. Romans, countrymen.
Welcome
friends
Romans
countrymen
Hello. [cheering] Welcome in here and
Hello
cheering
Welcome
in
here
and
out there to the late show. I'm your
out
there
to
the
late
show
I'm
your
host Steven Colbert and I just want to
host
Steven
Colbert
and
I
just
want
to
start off tonight. [cheering]
start
off
tonight
cheering
Thank you. Thank you. I want to start
Thank
you
Thank
you
I
want
to
start
off the show tonight with a heartfelt
off
the
show
tonight
with
a
heartfelt
foo because after weeks of threatening
foo
because
after
weeks
of
threatening
to go to war with our NATO allies over
to
go
to
war
with
our
NATO
allies
over
Greenland, an island that is neither
Greenland
an
island
that
is
neither
green nor has much land, yesterday at
green
nor
has
much
land
yesterday
at
the 11th hour, Trump announced that he
the
11th
hour
Trump
announced
that
he
had reached the framework of a Greenland
had
reached
the
framework
of
a
Greenland
deal with NATO. You hear that everybody?
deal
with
NATO
You
hear
that
everybody
The problem that we never had until he
The
problem
that
we
never
had
until
he
created it is finally solved.
created
it
is
finally
solved
Good news everyone. I'm taking the
Good
news
everyone
I'm
taking
the
loaded shotgun
loaded
shotgun
from the chimp I gave it to.
from
the
chimp
I
gave
it
to
Good boy Bobo. Good boy. As a reward,
Good
boy
Bobo
Good
boy
As
a
reward
take this hand grenade. Hold it tight.
take
this
hand
grenade
Hold
it
tight
Now, Bobo, me friend. Pin stay in.
Now
Bobo
me
friend
Pin
stay
in
Before we get into details of this
Before
we
get
into
details
of
this
framework, uh I have to warn you that
framework
uh
I
have
to
warn
you
that
there are none and
there
are
none
and
uh that the nun is also very vague.
uh
that
the
nun
is
also
very
vague
Here's Trump uh attempting to explain it
Here's
Trump
uh
attempting
to
explain
it
yesterday.
yesterday
We have a concept of a deal. It looks
We
have
a
concept
of
a
deal
It
looks
like we have pretty much a concept of a
like
we
have
pretty
much
a
concept
of
a
deal.
deal
Concept of a deal.
Concept
of
a
deal
Why does that phrase sound so familiar?
Why
does
that
phrase
sound
so
familiar
Obamacare was lousy healthcare. So, just
Obamacare
was
lousy
healthcare
So
just
a yes or no, you still do not have a
a
yes
or
no
you
still
do
not
have
a
plan.
plan
I have concepts of a plan.
I
have
concepts
of
a
plan
Well, at least we finally know his
Well
at
least
we
finally
know
his
replacement for Obamacare.
replacement
for
Obamacare
Greenland.
Greenland
Now, we first learned of the concept of
Now
we
first
learned
of
the
concept
of
the framework of a possibility of a
the
framework
of
a
possibility
of
a
shadow of a ricochet of an echo of a
shadow
of
a
ricochet
of
an
echo
of
a
deal yesterday when Trump posted based
deal
yesterday
when
Trump
posted
based
upon a very productive meeting that I
upon
a
very
productive
meeting
that
I
had with the Secretary General of NATO,
had
with
the
Secretary
General
of
NATO
Jens Stoltenberg. We have formed the framework
Jens
Stoltenberg
We
have
formed
the
framework
of a future deal with respect to
of
a
future
deal
with
respect
to
Greenland. This solution, if
Greenland
This
solution
if
consummated, will be a great one.
consummated
will
be
a
great
one
[laughter]
laughter
If that's a weird phrase, if
If
that's
a
weird
phrase
if
consummated,
consummated
is he going to?
is
he
going
to
[laughter]
laughter
Is he gonna Greenland?
Is
he
gonna
Greenland
All right, [cheering]
All
right
cheering
there you go. That's what you get right
there
you
go
That's
what
you
get
right
there.
there
[applause]
applause
Now, one would imagine that if you want
Now
one
would
imagine
that
if
you
want
to take over all or part of any country,
to
take
over
all
or
part
of
any
country
you would negotiate with that country.
you
would
negotiate
with
that
country
But no surprise, Greenland's Prime
But
no
surprise
Greenland's
Prime
Minister, Jans Frederick Nielsen,
Minister
Jans
Frederick
Nielsen
repeatedly noted that he has not been
repeatedly
noted
that
he
has
not
been
told what the Trump ruddy framework
told
what
the
Trump
ruddy
framework
entails. So Greenland isn't part of the
entails
So
Greenland
isn't
part
of
the
negotiations. Dearly beloved, by the
negotiations
Dearly
beloved
by
the
power vested in me, I now pronounce this
power
vested
in
me
I
now
pronounce
this
couple, husband and woman, who just
couple
husband
and
woman
who
just
found out this is happening. Come on in,
found
out
this
is
happening
Come
on
in
Doris, Masletov, you'll find out why
Doris
Masletov
you'll
find
out
why
later.
later
So, we we don't know what the Greenland
So
we
we
don't
know
what
the
Greenland
plant is, and neither does Greenland,
plant
is
and
neither
does
Greenland
but that did not stop Trump from crowing
but
that
did
not
stop
Trump
from
crowing
this morning that he won whatever the
this
morning
that
he
won
whatever
the
hell this is.
hell
this
is
We're getting everything we wanted.
We're
getting
everything
we
wanted
Total security, total access to
Total
security
total
access
to
everything.
everything
Okay, this may surprise you, but he is
Okay
this
may
surprise
you
but
he
is
lying. We know we we know everything
lying
We
know
we
we
know
everything
that Trump wanted. Okay. And this isn't
that
Trump
wanted
Okay
And
this
isn't
it. He laid out his things he wanted in
it
He
laid
out
his
things
he
wanted
in
this AI picture of him planting the
this
AI
picture
of
him
planting
the
American flag in Greenland with JD Vance
American
flag
in
Greenland
with
JD
Vance
and I want to say the secret seventh
and
I
want
to
say
the
secret
seventh
Wahlberg brother [laughter]
Wahlberg
brother
laughter
Tito. That Can we go back to the sign?
Tito
That
Can
we
go
back
to
the
sign
That sign there. It says Greenland, US
That
sign
there
It
says
Greenland
US
territory established 2026. Meaning it's
territory
established
2026
Meaning
it's
ours and it's not and it ain't going to
ours
and
it's
not
and
it
ain't
going
to
be. Instead, it sounds like the deal is
be
Instead
it
sounds
like
the
deal
is
going to be a lot like what the United
going
to
be
a
lot
like
what
the
United
States already had, making it look a
States
already
had
making
it
look
a
whole lot like Trump folded or tacoed.
whole
lot
like
Trump
folded
or
tacoed
So, yes. [cheering]
So
yes
cheering
Yes. [applause]
Yes
applause
So, yes, he blew up an 80-year post-war
So
yes
he
blew
up
an
80-year
post-war
alliance with Europe, but at least it
alliance
with
Europe
but
at
least
it
wasn't for nothing.
wasn't
for
nothing
It was for the concept of nothing.
It
was
for
the
concept
of
nothing
Again, [applause and cheering]
Again
applause
and
cheering
again, not all or possibly any of the
again
not
all
or
possibly
any
of
the
details have been worked out for us to
details
have
been
worked
out
for
us
to
get what we already have, but at least
get
what
we
already
have
but
at
least
we got a concrete idea of the timeline
we
got
a
concrete
idea
of
the
timeline
of it.
of
it
How long would the deal be, Mr.
How
long
would
the
deal
be
Mr
President?
President
Uh,
Uh
infinite.
infinite
Will there's
Will
there's
no timeline, but it's forever. It's
no
timeline
but
it's
forever
It's
signed forever. It's a deal that's
signed
forever
It's
a
deal
that's
forever. It's what's called an infinite
forever
It's
what's
called
an
infinite
deal.
deal
Of course. Of course. An infinite deal.
Of
course
Of
course
An
infinite
deal
That's that's a that's a common phrase.
That's
that's
a
that's
a
common
phrase
It's uh and it's easy to understand.
It's
uh
and
it's
easy
to
understand
It's like a bridal shower. We get to
It's
like
a
bridal
shower
We
get
to
enjoy Greenland and bottomless mimosas
enjoy
Greenland
and
bottomless
mimosas
until the maid of honor pukes.
until
the
maid
of
honor
pukes
[laughter]
laughter
Despite caving, Trump spent his final 18
Despite
caving
Trump
spent
his
final
18
hours in Davos on victory laps like this
hours
in
Davos
on
victory
laps
like
this
one.
one
Really fantastic for the USA. uh gets
Really
fantastic
for
the
USA
uh
gets
everything we wanted, including
everything
we
wanted
including
especially real national security.
especially
real
national
security
Okay, not entirely true. But more
Okay
not
entirely
true
But
more
importantly, why is he making this
importantly
why
is
he
making
this
announcement in what sounds like a piano
announcement
in
what
sounds
like
a
piano
bar?
bar
Hey, anybody out there from out of town?
Hey
anybody
out
there
from
out
of
town
Anybody? Hello, little lady. How you
Anybody
Hello
little
lady
How
you
doing? Hello, ma'am. With your festive
doing
Hello
ma'am
With
your
festive
headscarf, you look lovely.
headscarf
you
look
lovely
Anybody from out of town? You all are.
Anybody
from
out
of
town
You
all
are
You're world leaders. Okay. Wow. Okay.
You're
world
leaders
Okay
Wow
Okay
I'm going to sing you a special song.
I'm
going
to
sing
you
a
special
song
Well, technically [music] it's the
Well
technically
music
it's
the
concept of a framework of a song. We're
concept
of
a
framework
of
a
song
We're
still negotiating the melody. Thank you
still
negotiating
the
melody
Thank
you
very much.
very
much
[cheering]
cheering
Oh. Oh, can you see? [laughter]
Oh
Oh
can
you
see
laughter
[applause and cheering]
applause
and
cheering
Well, it's a relief knowing that Trump
Well
it's
a
relief
knowing
that
Trump
isn't going to invade Greenland. The
isn't
going
to
invade
Greenland
The
damage could be long lasting. As one
damage
could
be
long
lasting
As
one
European dignitary put it, it's not just
European
dignitary
put
it
it's
not
just
about expanding our imagination, but
about
expanding
our
imagination
but
just to realize that this is a different
just
to
realize
that
this
is
a
different
day and the rules, the laws don't
day
and
the
rules
the
laws
don't
necessarily apply. Yeah, it's just it's
necessarily
apply
Yeah
it's
just
it's
just hard to recover from being
just
hard
to
recover
from
being
threatened with war from your allies.
threatened
with
war
from
your
allies
Just like it's very hard to go back in
Just
like
it's
very
hard
to
go
back
in
the wave pool once you've seen that
the
wave
pool
once
you've
seen
that
dirty diaper sailing down the water
dirty
diaper
sailing
down
the
water
slide.
slide
And in this metaphor, can you guess
And
in
this
metaphor
can
you
guess
which world leader is in the diaper?
which
world
leader
is
in
the
diaper
[applause and cheering]
applause
and
cheering
Trump's next mission.
Trump's
next
mission
[cheering]
cheering
Oh, [applause] can you see by the dance?
Oh
applause
can
you
see
by
the
dance
Trump's next mission in Davos was
Trump's
next
mission
in
Davos
was
debuting a new international club that
debuting
a
new
international
club
that
he calls the Board of Peace, where
he
calls
the
Board
of
Peace
where
nations can pay $1 billion for a
nations
can
pay
1
billion
for
a
permanent seat. No surprise that peace
permanent
seat
No
surprise
that
peace
has a price. Remember John Lenn's famous
has
a
price
Remember
John
Lenn's
famous
anti-war anthem?
anti-war
anthem
All we are saying
All
we
are
saying
[singing]
singing
is, "Give me [music] some care.
is
Give
me
music
some
care
We take Venmo, brother. [laughter]
We
take
Venmo
brother
laughter
Right now. Hey man, [applause] that
Right
now
Hey
man
applause
that
hotel [cheering] room's not going to pay
hotel
cheering
room's
not
going
to
pay
for itself.
for
itself
Those white robes don't come cheap.
Those
white
robes
don't
come
cheap
[laughter]
laughter
[applause]
applause
Right now, it's unclear where the funds
Right
now
it's
unclear
where
the
funds
collected from the Board of Peace
collected
from
the
Board
of
Peace
members would be held. My guess is
members
would
be
held
My
guess
is
Trump's personal piggy bank, the
Trump's
personal
piggy
bank
the
Canklebankle.
Canklebankle
According to the charter, [laughter]
According
to
the
charter
laughter
the board will have one man in charge.
the
board
will
have
one
man
in
charge
And I'll give you a hint. He's in the
And
I'll
give
you
a
hint
He's
in
the
diaper.
diaper
[cheering] Of all the potential members
cheering
Of
all
the
potential
members
of the peace board, reportedly Trump
of
the
peace
board
reportedly
Trump
will hold the only veto. And even when
will
hold
the
only
veto
And
even
when
he's no longer president of the United
he's
no
longer
president
of
the
United
States, Trump will be chairman for life.
States
Trump
will
be
chairman
for
life
Yep. The peace board will be mine for
Yep
The
peace
board
will
be
mine
for
life. After that, you'll all be in tmbed
life
After
that
you'll
all
be
in
tmbed
with me in the board of peace mausoleum.
with
me
in
the
board
of
peace
mausoleum
[laughter]
laughter
to serve as my cupbearers and concubines
to
serve
as
my
cupbearers
and
concubines
in the afterlife. Just slap some
in
the
afterlife
Just
slap
some
chocolate coins over my eyes and fam me
chocolate
coins
over
my
eyes
and
fam
me
across the river Twix. [laughter]
across
the
river
Twix
laughter
Why, you may ask why? Why is this even
Why
you
may
ask
why
Why
is
this
even
happening? Good question, me. Especially
happening
Good
question
me
Especially
Especially because the board of peace's
Especially
because
the
board
of
peace's
mission would overlap with the United
mission
would
overlap
with
the
United
Nations aim of maintaining international
Nations
aim
of
maintaining
international
peace and security. So Trump is
peace
and
security
So
Trump
is
literally just doing model UN
literally
just
doing
model
UN
[laughter]
laughter
That shouldn't cost a billion dollars.
That
shouldn't
cost
a
billion
dollars
It should be $400 for a weekend at the
It
should
be
400
for
a
weekend
at
the
Bethesda Marriott
Bethesda
Marriott
where you French kiss Luxembourg and
where
you
French
kiss
Luxembourg
and
none of your friends at school ever
none
of
your
friends
at
school
ever
believe you.
believe
you
Now, admittedly, the idea of paying a
Now
admittedly
the
idea
of
paying
a
billion dollars to obey Donald Trump
billion
dollars
to
obey
Donald
Trump
seems a little steep. After all, CBS got
seems
a
little
steep
After
all
CBS
got
to do it for just 16 million. [cheering]
to
do
it
for
just
16
million
cheering
So, not every
So
not
every
Check my math. Check my math on that
Check
my
math
Check
my
math
on
that
one. So, not every world leader is
one
So
not
every
world
leader
is
leaping at the invitation. Countries
leaping
at
the
invitation
Countries
who've taken a pass include France,
who've
taken
a
pass
include
France
Norway, Slovenia, Sweden, and the United
Norway
Slovenia
Sweden
and
the
United
Kingdom. How could they turn Trump down?
Kingdom
How
could
they
turn
Trump
down
Does it mean nothing to them that this
Does
it
mean
nothing
to
them
that
this
man won the FIFA Peace Prize?
man
won
the
FIFA
Peace
Prize
That means that means he can do peace
That
means
that
means
he
can
do
peace
using only his feet.
using
only
his
feet
But here's the thing. Plenty of
But
here's
the
thing
Plenty
of
countries have signed up including
countries
have
signed
up
including
Bahrain, Hungary, Kazakhstan, Kosovo,
Bahrain
Hungary
Kazakhstan
Kosovo
Mongolia, Qatar, Saudi Arabia, Turkey,
Mongolia
Qatar
Saudi
Arabia
Turkey
and Azerbjan.
and
Azerbjan
Collectively, those countries are also
Collectively
those
countries
are
also
known as places where Ethan Hunt has
known
as
places
where
Ethan
Hunt
has
been strangled at top a train.
been
strangled
at
top
a
train
[laughter]
laughter
Trump held a ceremony today to kick off
Trump
held
a
ceremony
today
to
kick
off
his dumb fake new club and he praised
his
dumb
fake
new
club
and
he
praised
all the suckers who fell for it. And
all
the
suckers
who
fell
for
it
And
when you use that genius of that you
when
you
use
that
genius
of
that
you
have that very unusual very uh inspired
have
that
very
unusual
very
uh
inspired
genius. When you use that for peace
genius
When
you
use
that
for
peace
uh the opposite of peace has no chance
uh
the
opposite
of
peace
has
no
chance
[laughter]
laughter
for a guy who claims to have stopped
for
a
guy
who
claims
to
have
stopped
eight of them. He sure has a hard time
eight
of
them
He
sure
has
a
hard
time
remembering the word war.
remembering
the
word
war
It's like that scene in the Terminator.
It's
like
that
scene
in
the
Terminator
I'll be
I'll
be
the opposite of front.
the
opposite
of
front
But, you know, it's pretty. But, you
But
you
know
it's
pretty
But
you
know, this whole this whole thing has
know
this
whole
this
whole
thing
has
got me thinking. If Donald Trump can try
got
me
thinking
If
Donald
Trump
can
try
to cash in with the new Kirkland brand
to
cash
in
with
the
new
Kirkland
brand
UN, why can't I? So, tonight, ladies and
UN
why
can't
I
So
tonight
ladies
and
gentlemen, I am proud to announce my new
gentlemen
I
am
proud
to
announce
my
new
international organization, the Peace
international
organization
the
Peace
Buddies. [cheering]
Buddies
cheering
Those are our mascots.
Those
are
our
mascots
[applause]
applause
Those are our beloved mascots, Dove Dude
Those
are
our
beloved
mascots
Dove
Dude
and the Peace Pooch trademark. Anyone
and
the
Peace
Pooch
trademark
Anyone
can join the Peace Buddies. Just send us
can
join
the
Peace
Buddies
Just
send
us
five box tops from any General Mills
five
box
tops
from
any
General
Mills
cereal product and $100 million.
cereal
product
and
100
million
That's a 90% discount on the Board of
That's
a
90
discount
on
the
Board
of
Peace. You're losing money if you don't
Peace
You're
losing
money
if
you
don't
join. We accept check, money order, wire
join
We
accept
check
money
order
wire
transfer, zel, CLA, cash app, and ask.
transfer
zel
CLA
cash
app
and
ask
Nobody rides for free. Every Peace
Nobody
rides
for
free
Every
Peace
Buddies membership comes with exclusive
Buddies
membership
comes
with
exclusive
merch, including this beautiful decoder
merch
including
this
beautiful
decoder
ring so you can decipher why threatening
ring
so
you
can
decipher
why
threatening
your allies is the peaceful thing to do.
your
allies
is
the
peaceful
thing
to
do
And an awesome pamphlet with the word
And
an
awesome
pamphlet
with
the
word
peace right on the front. We're still uh
peace
right
on
the
front
We're
still
uh
we're still working on what goes on
we're
still
working
on
what
goes
on
inside,
inside
but I promise you we have a concept. and
but
I
promise
you
we
have
a
concept
and
this membersonly peace buddies temporary
this
membersonly
peace
buddies
temporary
tattoo. Okay? So all the kids at school,
tattoo
Okay
So
all
the
kids
at
school
[cheering]
cheering
all the kids at school will know you're
all
the
kids
at
school
will
know
you're
a Peace Buddy. It lasts for 10 days if
a
Peace
Buddy
It
lasts
for
10
days
if
that's how long you go between showers.
that's
how
long
you
go
between
showers
[laughter] We got a great show for you
laughter
We
got
a
great
show
for
you
tonight. My guest [music] Chance the
tonight
My
guest
music
Chance
the
Rapper and nonviolent scholar Maria J.
Rapper
and
nonviolent
scholar
Maria
J
Stefan. And when we come back
Stefan
And
when
we
come
back
over here,
over
here
[music]
music
[music]
music
[music]
music
[cheering]
cheering
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