Watch and Learn - Trump: I'll Bomb Iran "Just For Fun" | Hegseth Wants A Patriotic Press

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Welcome to the late show. I'm your host,

Welcome to the late show I'm your host

Steven Colbear. Folks,

Steven Colbear Folks

[cheering]

cheering

>> you know what? Yeah. What the heck? What

>> you know what Yeah What the heck What

the heck? I'm going to start tonight

the heck I'm going to start tonight

with something fun and light. I uh I

with something fun and light I uh I

know we usually start by talking about

the stuff that we all worry about. And

the stuff that we all worry about And

uh not to worry, the worry is coming.

uh not to worry the worry is coming

But first, uh last night was the Oscars.

But first uh last night was the Oscars

Our friend Conan O'Brien was just as

sexy as ever. However,

sexy as ever However

how however you rank him sexually. It

how however you rank him sexually It

was a big night for director Paul Thomas

Anderson who took home best director,

Anderson who took home best director

best adapted screenplay, [cheering] and

best adapted screenplay cheering and

best picture.

best picture

All of those all those awards for one

battle after another, which I believe is

battle after another which I believe is

the dramatic portrayal of a man trying

to cancel his Disney Plus Hulu bundle.

to cancel his Disney Plus Hulu bundle

[laughter] Impossible. It's a quagmire.

laughter Impossible It's a quagmire

It's a quagmire. Another

It's a quagmire Another

big winner was Michael B. Jordan, who

big winner was Michael B Jordan who

got best actor

for his incredible performance

of two parts in the movie Sinners. I'm

of two parts in the movie Sinners I'm

starting to think this guy could be the

Michael Jordan of acting.

Michael Jordan of acting

That's how good he is.

That's how good he is

So many friends of this show won big.

So many friends of this show won big

Ryan Cougler for best original

screenplay

and [applause] and Jesse Buckley who won

and applause and Jesse Buckley who won

best actress [cheering]

best actress cheering

for her role in Hammet. She is the first

for her role in Hammet She is the first

Irish woman to win the category and she

shouted out her family.

shouted out her family

>> My family, my Irish family, they're all

>> My family my Irish family they're all

here. Ireland bought them flights.

here Ireland bought them flights

>> Yes,

>> Yes

Ireland bought them flights. It was very

Ireland bought them flights It was very

nice of Ireland to do that. And

nice of Ireland to do that And

obviously I'm guessing they flew her

familyus.

familyus

You know their slogan. Heirlingus. Come

You know their slogan Heirlingus Come

on. It's her birthday. She did it for

on It's her birthday She did it for

yours.

yours

And

back. I don't know what that means. I

back I don't know what that means I

have no idea what that joke means if

anybody asks. Now back in Ireland, Jesse

anybody asks Now back in Ireland Jesse

Buckley's family celebrated her win from

their century old family pub.

their century old family pub

That is truly heartwarming. Usually to

That is truly heartwarming Usually to

make Irish people that happy, you have

make Irish people that happy you have

to tell them that Prince Andrew got

arrested.

arrested

There [cheering] was uh

There cheering was uh

Irish people here.

Irish people here

[applause]

applause

There was one unexpected twist when this

happened in in the liveaction short film

category.

category

>> And the Oscar goes to

It's a tie. I'm not joking. I'm going to

It's a tie I'm not joking I'm going to

name one winner. They'll come up, accept

name one winner They'll come up accept

their award, and then I'll come back and

their award and then I'll come back and

name another winner, and then they'll

name another winner and then they'll

accept their award. Okay.

accept their award Okay

>> That was so nice of Kumal Nanjani. It's

>> That was so nice of Kumal Nanjani It's

so much more civilized than the last

time there was a tie in 1969 when the

Academy made Katherine Heppern and

Barbara Stryand jump for it.

Barbara Stryand jump for it

I would not go up against Katherine

Heppern. Throw those elbows now. Okay.

Heppern Throw those elbows now Okay

Remember when I said the worry part

would come later? We're here because we

would come later We're here because we

are Hey, man. I don't make the news. I

are Hey man I don't make the news I

just make jokes about it because we are

now in uh this is three. We're in week

now in uh this is three We're in week

three of Donald Trump's not a war to end

all wars. The military has done

all wars The military has done

everything he's asked of them. They're

everything he's asked of them They're

very good at their jobs, but there's a

very good at their jobs but there's a

limit to air power. So, after 17 days,

limit to air power So after 17 days

the straight of Hormuz remains blocked.

the straight of Hormuz remains blocked

Which brings us to tonight's edition of

Hormuz News. you can use. [cheering]

Hormuz News you can use cheering

Nothing can get through. When will it

Nothing can get through When will it

end? No clues.

end No clues

With the straight blocked, oil prices

With the straight blocked oil prices

have risen more than 40% since the start

have risen more than 40 since the start

of the war. And in the US, gasoline

of the war And in the US gasoline

prices have jumped more than 65 cents

per gallon. It's so bad that we here in

per gallon It's so bad that we here in

New York on the pump on the handles,

New York on the pump on the handles

they're now labeled 87, 89, and hey, we

they're now labeled 87 89 and hey we

got a freaking billionaire over here.

got a freaking billionaire over here

That's my impression. Trump is clearly

That's my impression Trump is clearly

[applause]

applause

Trump is clearly frustrated with all

this. On Friday, he ordered strikes

this On Friday he ordered strikes

against Iran's main oil port, Car

against Iran's main oil port Car

Island, which is also the pirate version

Island which is also the pirate version

of Love Island.

of Love Island

I'm here to find find true car.

I'm here to find find true car

[laughter]

laughter

Sex marks the spot.

Sex marks the spot

Shiver me herpes.

Shiver me herpes

Again, I don't know what that means. I

Again I don't know what that means I

don't know what any of that means.

don't know what any of that means

Shortly after the attack, Trump

Shortly after the attack Trump

announced on social media that the US

had totally obliterated every military

target in Iran's crown jewel, Kog

target in Iran's crown jewel Kog

Island. For reasons of decency, I've

Island For reasons of decency I've

chosen not to wipe out the oil

infrastructure on the island. Yes, I

infrastructure on the island Yes I

would never harm a single drop of

innocent young oil.

innocent young oil

I believe the oil is our future.

I believe the oil is our future

Drill it well and let it kill a duck.

Drill it well and let it kill a duck

The decency I [applause] don't know. Let

The decency I applause don't know Let

it kill a duck. Let it Let it Let it

it kill a duck Let it Let it Let it

kill Let it kill a duck.

kill Let it kill a duck

The decency did not last long because

Trump later told reporters that he may

order more strikes on Car Island just

for fun.

for fun

Well, sure. I mean, in the famous words

Well sure I mean in the famous words

of Jay Robert Oppenheimer, now I am

of Jay Robert Oppenheimer now I am

become death. Wee.

become death Wee

On Friday, defense secretary Pete Hexath

On Friday defense secretary Pete Hexath

told us there's no problem with Iran

blocking the straight of Hormuz except

except for one problem.

except for one problem

>> The only thing prohibiting transit in

the straits right now is Iran shooting

at shipping. It is open for transit

at shipping It is open for transit

should Iran not do that.

should Iran not do that

>> [laughter]

>> laughter

>> Yes. Yes. That is ironclad logic.

>> Yes Yes That is ironclad logic

Good news, Miss Nichols. Your husband's

Good news Miss Nichols Your husband's

surgery went perfectly. He should be

surgery went perfectly He should be

ready to take home as soon as he's done

at the crematorium.

at the crematorium

[laughter]

laughter

Hexath also got mad that the media has

been accurately reporting what's

happening. Another example of a fake

happening Another example of a fake

headline that I saw yesterday. War

headline that I saw yesterday War

widening.

widening

Here's a real headline for you for an

actual patriotic press. How about Iran

actual patriotic press How about Iran

shrinking, going underground? And here's

shrinking going underground And here's

another fake headline. Secretary Hegth

another fake headline Secretary Hegth

visibly agitated, comma, alcohol on

visibly agitated comma alcohol on

breath. Here's here's a real one. Here's

breath Here's here's a real one Here's

a real one for a patriotic press.

a real one for a patriotic press

Secretary Hgse named diamond member of

TGI Friday's tequila honors program.

TGI Friday's tequila honors program

>> [cheering]

>> cheering

>> Okay, it's the same story.

>> Okay it's the same story

Okay, you got a problem, bro? You got a

Okay you got a problem bro You got a

problem? [applause]

problem applause

Pete, if there's no worries about the

Pete if there's no worries about the

trade, how come Trump posted this on

trade how come Trump posted this on

Saturday? Hopefully, China, France,

Saturday Hopefully China France

Japan, South Korea, the UK, and others

Japan South Korea the UK and others

that are affected by this artificial

constraint will send ships to the area

so that the Hormuz Strait will no longer

be a threat by a nation that has been

totally decapitated.

totally decapitated

I I I wish him lots of luck with that.

I I I wish him lots of luck with that

Trump turns all of our allies against us

and now he's begging their help. It's

and now he's begging their help It's

like that classic children's book, The

like that classic children's book The

Boy Who Cried, you everybody, then

Boy Who Cried you everybody then

kicked a wolf.

kicked a wolf

The [cheering]

The cheering

[cheering]

cheering

[applause]

applause

the president was eager to claim that

several countries have committed to

helping secure the strait but declined

to name any of them.

to name any of them

So many so many countries are helping

Nambia [laughter]

Nambia laughter

Carala East

Promula,

Promula

both Hokuna and the Democratic Republic

of Matata

are on board. What a wonderful place.

are on board What a wonderful place

[applause and cheering]

applause and cheering

>> [applause]

>> applause

>> Trump complained about our allies today

at the Trump Kennedy Crypto.com Center.

at the Trump Kennedy Cryptocom Center

But then

he seemed to forget one of his signature

campaign promises, drill baby drill.

campaign promises drill baby drill

>> It always bothered me that we have these

countries. Japan gets 95% of its from

countries Japan gets 95 of its from

the Straits, the horror straits. And it

the Straits the horror straits And it

always bothered me that we're protecting

and we don't need them. We didn't need

and we don't need them We didn't need

him before we started uh dig We must dig

me west. That's the Trump policy of lots

me west That's the Trump policy of lots

of oil.

of oil

[laughter]

laughter

Is it dig we must or brain be broke?

Is it dig we must or brain be broke

[applause] But of course [cheering]

applause But of course cheering

I don't know. I'd like to know

I don't know I'd like to know

[applause and cheering]

applause and cheering

but we don't know.

but we don't know

But of course, [applause]

But of course applause

of course, everything Trump says has to

of course everything Trump says has to

be right. So get ready for his updated

be right So get ready for his updated

slogans, dig we must, build the walk,

slogans dig we must build the walk

and mor America Mindy again.

and mor America Mindy again

Now, Trump's latest war, Trump's latest

Now Trump's latest war Trump's latest

war is unpopular with our allies, but he

war is unpopular with our allies but he

claims he's gotten a lot of support from

one surprising source. I've spoken to a

one surprising source I've spoken to a

certain president who I like actually

a past president, former president. He

a past president former president He

said, "I wish I did it. I wish I did,

said I wish I did it I wish I did

but they didn't do it. I'm doing it."

but they didn't do it I'm doing it

Yeah.

Yeah

>> Which president?

>> Which president

>> Which president?

>> Which president

>> Can't I can't tell you that.

>> Can't I can't tell you that

>> I can't. No, I can't I can't tell you. I

>> I can't No I can't I can't tell you I

can't tell you. But he's very real.

can't tell you But he's very real

He's as real as this table. His name is

He's as real as this table His name is

President

Table.

Table

[laughter]

laughter

President

Kakalaka table. [laughter]

Kakalaka table laughter

One way you can tell this is frustrating

the administration is that they've

started to leak some hot goss about new

Supreme Leader Muchaba Kamei seen here

remembering that time he called his

teacher mom.

teacher mom

According [laughter]

According laughter

to US intelligence, the elder Kinee was

to US intelligence the elder Kinee was

wary of his son ever taking power

because he was perceived as not very

bright.

bright

In fact, they wanted to place him in a

In fact they wanted to place him in a

kind of a really easy job as depicted in

the Iranian hit film Mojaba Blart Mall

Ayatollah.

Ayatollah

That joke should not work. [applause]

That joke should not work applause

It's like such a long walk.

It's like such a long walk

It should not. It's a mystery why that

It should not It's a mystery why that

joke works. Then last week, Trump was

joke works Then last week Trump was

briefed that Mushaba is probably gay.

briefed that Mushaba is probably gay

And reportedly when he was informed of

this detail, Trump couldn't contain his

this detail Trump couldn't contain his

surprise and laughed out loud. Haha,

surprise and laughed out loud Haha

he's gay.

he's gay

Why doesn't he do straight guy stuff

like constantly dancing to YMCA?

like constantly dancing to YMCA

Listen, we got a great show. [music]

Listen we got a great show music

We got a great show for you tonight.

We got a great show for you tonight

[cheering]

cheering

My guests are the creators and original

cast member of the Book of Mormon. Stick

cast member of the Book of Mormon Stick

around. [music]

around music

[music]

music

[music]

music

[music]

music

>> [cheering]

>> cheering

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