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Welcome, welcome ladies and gentlemen,
Welcome
welcome
ladies
and
gentlemen
one and all children of all ages
one
and
all
children
of
all
ages
to the late show. I'm your host Steven
to
the
late
show
I'm
your
host
Steven
Colbert. Ladies and gentlemen, we got
Colbert
Ladies
and
gentlemen
we
got
[cheering]
cheering
we got a lot to get to tonight. We got a
we
got
a
lot
to
get
to
tonight
We
got
a
lot to get to right off the bat. Okay,
lot
to
get
to
right
off
the
bat
Okay
it's 2026 and we have some breaking
it's
2026
and
we
have
some
breaking
election news coming out of the great
election
news
coming
out
of
the
great
state of North Carolina because with all
state
of
North
Carolina
because
with
all
precincts reporting, we're ready to call
precincts
reporting
we're
ready
to
call
North Korea's Supreme People's Assembly
North
Korea's
Supreme
People's
Assembly
election and incumbent madman Kim
election
and
incumbent
madman
Kim
Jong-un has won with 99.93%
Jong-un
has
won
with
9993
of the vote. Congratulations to friend
of
the
vote
Congratulations
to
friend
of the show. He has done so many cold
of
the
show
He
has
done
so
many
cold
opens for us. Thank you, sir. We may
opens
for
us
Thank
you
sir
We
may
have our differences, but you got to
have
our
differences
but
you
got
to
hand it to him. He really rallied
hand
it
to
him
He
really
rallied
support with his stirring campaign
support
with
his
stirring
campaign
slogan, I have your family. [cheering]
slogan
I
have
your
family
cheering
[applause] Yeah, you know, simple
applause
Yeah
you
know
simple
reach. You got to reach. You got to
reach
You
got
to
reach
You
got
to
reach the people. [applause]
reach
the
people
applause
In second place with 0% of the vote was
In
second
place
with
0
of
the
vote
was
Andrew Cuomo.
Andrew
Cuomo
[cheering]
cheering
[applause]
applause
>> Better showing.
>>
Better
showing
It was a better better showing than
It
was
a
better
better
showing
than
expected. Now, the last 3 weeks, uh,
expected
Now
the
last
3
weeks
uh
I've been talking a lot about the
I've
been
talking
a
lot
about
the
situation in Iran, and I want to stop
situation
in
Iran
and
I
want
to
stop
doing that, but Iran keeps being a
doing
that
but
Iran
keeps
being
a
situation. Case in point, yesterday, we
situation
Case
in
point
yesterday
we
got the resignation of director of the
got
the
resignation
of
director
of
the
National Counterterrorism Center and
National
Counterterrorism
Center
and
home, perm cautionary tale,
home
perm
cautionary
tale
Joe Kent. [cheering]
Joe
Kent
cheering
Yesterday in protest against the war
Yesterday
in
protest
against
the
war
with Iran, Kent posted a letter of
with
Iran
Kent
posted
a
letter
of
resignation explaining that he had seen
resignation
explaining
that
he
had
seen
the intelligence and Iran posed no
the
intelligence
and
Iran
posed
no
imminent threat to our nation. So the US
imminent
threat
to
our
nation
So
the
US
is going to war in the Middle East
is
going
to
war
in
the
Middle
East
without an imminent threat to our
without
an
imminent
threat
to
our
nation. again.
nation
again
[music]
music
[cheering]
cheering
Now [applause]
Now
applause
before anybody sends this guy an edible
before
anybody
sends
this
guy
an
edible
arrangement in the shape of the word
arrangement
in
the
shape
of
the
word
hero, keep in mind he suck. During his
hero
keep
in
mind
he
suck
During
his
failed 2022 congressional campaign, Kent
failed
2022
congressional
campaign
Kent
paid Graham Jorgensen, a member of the
paid
Graham
Jorgensen
a
member
of
the
Proud Boys, for consulting work. He also
Proud
Boys
for
consulting
work
He
also
worked closely with Joey Gibson, founder
worked
closely
with
Joey
Gibson
founder
of the Christian nationalist group
of
the
Christian
nationalist
group
Patriot Prayer. He also blamed Israel
Patriot
Prayer
He
also
blamed
Israel
for the 2003 war in Iraq. Now, I'm not
for
the
2003
war
in
Iraq
Now
I'm
not
saying he's an anti-semite, because a
saying
he's
an
anti-semite
because
a
lot of people beat me to it, including
lot
of
people
beat
me
to
it
including
one congressman who wrote, "Good
one
congressman
who
wrote
Good
riddens. Anti-semitism is an evil I
riddens
Anti-semitism
is
an
evil
I
detest, and we surely don't want it in
detest
and
we
surely
don't
want
it
in
our government." That congressman, Don
our
government
That
congressman
Don
Bacon.
Bacon
[laughter]
laughter
Bacon is standing up for the Jewish
Bacon
is
standing
up
for
the
Jewish
people and he's not even kosher.
people
and
he's
not
even
kosher
[applause and cheering] He was joined
applause
and
cheering
He
was
joined
[cheering]
cheering
he was joined in a statement by Roger
he
was
joined
in
a
statement
by
Roger
Ham Sandwich and Beverly Shellfish
Ham
Sandwich
and
Beverly
Shellfish
Tower.
Tower
And now to the skies, where yesterday an
And
now
to
the
skies
where
yesterday
an
asteroid exploded above Ohio, producing
asteroid
exploded
above
Ohio
producing
a shock wave with a force of 250 tons of
a
shock
wave
with
a
force
of
250
tons
of
TNT. Everyone's okay, but it was the
TNT
Everyone's
okay
but
it
was
the
biggest explosion in Ohio since your
biggest
explosion
in
Ohio
since
your
uncle tried the Skyline 3-way.
uncle
tried
the
Skyline
3-way
[laughter]
laughter
Yes, that's the Skyline. The Skyline
Yes
that's
the
Skyline
The
Skyline
3-way. That's a man, a woman with a
3-way
That's
a
man
a
woman
with
a
generous topping of chili.
generous
topping
of
chili
>> [applause and cheering]
>>
applause
and
cheering
>> The meteor. Meteor was seen all across
>>
The
meteor
Meteor
was
seen
all
across
the Midwest. Here it is on one man's
the
Midwest
Here
it
is
on
one
man's
dash cam.
dash
cam
>> WHOA. WHAT THE WAS THAT?
>>
WHOA
WHAT
THE
WAS
THAT
WHOA. CAN YOU GET THAT ON MY ASS?
WHOA
CAN
YOU
GET
THAT
ON
MY
ASS
>> That's fantastic. Obviously. Obviously.
>>
That's
fantastic
Obviously
Obviously
I want to go on a road trip with that
I
want
to
go
on
a
road
trip
with
that
guy.
guy
WHOA.
WHOA
THOMAS EDISON Service Area.
THOMAS
EDISON
Service
Area
Are those picnic tables?
Are
those
picnic
tables
[laughter]
laughter
Back uh back here on Earth. Today was
Back
uh
back
here
on
Earth
Today
was
the confirmation hearing for the person
the
confirmation
hearing
for
the
person
replacing Christine Nornes as DHS
replacing
Christine
Nornes
as
DHS
secretary. Oklahoma Senator Mark Wayne
secretary
Oklahoma
Senator
Mark
Wayne
Mullen seen here trying to remember what
Mullen
seen
here
trying
to
remember
what
comes after three.
comes
after
three
Now
Now
that that joke might have been unfair to
that
that
joke
might
have
been
unfair
to
Markwayne Mullin's intellect. What?
Markwayne
Mullin's
intellect
What
What do you think, Markwayne?
What
do
you
think
Markwayne
>> I'm not going to be the smartest guy in
>>
I'm
not
going
to
be
the
smartest
guy
in
any room I walk into
any
room
I
walk
into
really
really
[applause]
applause
any room. So, not even the morg.
any
room
So
not
even
the
morg
[laughter]
laughter
Now, Mullen, you may know, has a history
Now
Mullen
you
may
know
has
a
history
of being real dumb and real angry about
of
being
real
dumb
and
real
angry
about
it. He once stood up and tried to start
it
He
once
stood
up
and
tried
to
start
a literal fight at a Senate hearing. And
a
literal
fight
at
a
Senate
hearing
And
a few years ago, when Senator Ran Paul
a
few
years
ago
when
Senator
Ran
Paul
was attacked by his neighbor and sent to
was
attacked
by
his
neighbor
and
sent
to
the hospital from that attack, Mark
the
hospital
from
that
attack
Mark
Wayne said he understood why Paul had
Wayne
said
he
understood
why
Paul
had
been attacked. And today, Senator Paul
been
attacked
And
today
Senator
Paul
punched back. Tell the world why you
punched
back
Tell
the
world
why
you
believe I deserve to be assaulted from
believe
I
deserve
to
be
assaulted
from
behind, have six ribs broken, and a
behind
have
six
ribs
broken
and
a
damaged lung. Tell me to my face why you
damaged
lung
Tell
me
to
my
face
why
you
think I deserved it. And while you're at
think
I
deserved
it
And
while
you're
at
it, explain to the American public why
it
explain
to
the
American
public
why
they should trust a man with anger
they
should
trust
a
man
with
anger
issues to set the proper example for ICE
issues
to
set
the
proper
example
for
ICE
and Border Patrol agents. Now, while
and
Border
Patrol
agents
Now
while
that is a valid question, and it is a
that
is
a
valid
question
and
it
is
a
valid question, Senator Paul knows that
valid
question
Senator
Paul
knows
that
anger issues are the top requirement for
anger
issues
are
the
top
requirement
for
ICE and Border Patrol agents, right
ICE
and
Border
Patrol
agents
right
above not being the smartest person in
above
not
being
the
smartest
person
in
any room you walk into. [cheering]
any
room
you
walk
into
cheering
Now,
Now
[applause]
applause
that's nice.
that's
nice
[applause] Mark Wayne Mullen sure seems
applause
Mark
Wayne
Mullen
sure
seems
to enjoy solving problems with Mark
to
enjoy
solving
problems
with
Mark
violence, like that fight in the Senate
violence
like
that
fight
in
the
Senate
hearing I mentioned. Ran Paul talked
hearing
I
mentioned
Ran
Paul
talked
about that.
about
that
>> In the days after the fight, you did
>>
In
the
days
after
the
fight
you
did
many interviews in which you justified
many
interviews
in
which
you
justified
the violence as historically justified
the
violence
as
historically
justified
by precedents such as cananing and
by
precedents
such
as
cananing
and
dueling. I was simply pointing out some
dueling
I
was
simply
pointing
out
some
of the rules that still apply to this
of
the
rules
that
still
apply
to
this
body. Uh for instance, uh dueling with
body
Uh
for
instance
uh
dueling
with
two consenting adults is still there. Uh
two
consenting
adults
is
still
there
Uh
I was pointing out what is
I
was
pointing
out
what
is
>> been illegal for 170 years. There's no
>>
been
illegal
for
170
years
There's
no
precedent for legal dueling.
precedent
for
legal
dueling
>> I can't believe
>>
I
can't
believe
I cannot believe I'm agreeing with Ran
I
cannot
believe
I'm
agreeing
with
Ran
Paul,
Paul
but he's right. The only kind of duel
but
he's
right
The
only
kind
of
duel
that's still legal is FanDuel.
that's
still
legal
is
FanDuel
FanDuel. We should be illegal, too.
FanDuel
We
should
be
illegal
too
[applause and cheering] This
applause
and
cheering
This
This is the sponsor probably. Okay. This
This
is
the
sponsor
probably
Okay
This
just in from the Late Show's Florida
just
in
from
the
Late
Show's
Florida
affiliates. After a new bill to ban it
affiliates
After
a
new
bill
to
ban
it
failed to pass the Florida legislature,
failed
to
pass
the
Florida
legislature
marriage between first cousins is still
marriage
between
first
cousins
is
still
legal.
legal
And if you're looking if you're looking
And
if
you're
looking
if
you're
looking
for a perfect gift for the happy cousin
for
a
perfect
gift
for
the
happy
cousin
couples, you'll find them registered at
couples
you'll
find
them
registered
at
Bed Bath. And we have the same
Bed
Bath
And
we
have
the
same
grandparents.
grandparents
Oh, that sound that sound means we have
Oh
that
sound
that
sound
means
we
have
breaking monkey news concerning Punch,
breaking
monkey
news
concerning
Punch
the baby macac, who went mega viral
the
baby
macac
who
went
mega
viral
after he was abandoned by his mother and
after
he
was
abandoned
by
his
mother
and
bonded with a plush IKEA toy as his new
bonded
with
a
plush
IKEA
toy
as
his
new
mom. a perfectly healthy situation where
mom
a
perfectly
healthy
situation
where
we were not projecting our own
we
were
not
projecting
our
own
loneliness onto a juvenile zoo primate.
loneliness
onto
a
juvenile
zoo
primate
So, stop saying that we were.
So
stop
saying
that
we
were
Well, now we have an ooh update.
Well
now
we
have
an
ooh
update
Welcome. Rumors [snorts] are swirling
Welcome
Rumors
snorts
are
swirling
that Punch the Monkey has a girlfriend,
that
Punch
the
Monkey
has
a
girlfriend
>> which means, [cheering]
>>
which
means
cheering
>> which means this update isn't merely ooh
>>
which
means
this
update
isn't
merely
ooh
ooh ah, it's ooh la la
ooh
ah
it's
ooh
la
la
>> aante.
>>
aante
According to reports from Monkey Media,
According
to
reports
from
Monkey
Media
Punch's girlfriend is a female macaque
Punch's
girlfriend
is
a
female
macaque
believed to be named Momo Chan.
believed
to
be
named
Momo
Chan
Believed to be
Believed
to
be
[laughter]
laughter
Why wouldn't that be her real name? Is
Why
wouldn't
that
be
her
real
name
Is
she a stripper?
she
a
stripper
Is she in witness relocation? Did she
Is
she
in
witness
relocation
Did
she
witness a mob hit?
witness
a
mob
hit
News of the monkey romance started
News
of
the
monkey
romance
started
spreading when folks caught Punch and
spreading
when
folks
caught
Punch
and
Momo Chan sharing a smooch. Boy, I hope
Momo
Chan
sharing
a
smooch
Boy
I
hope
somebody taught him how to put a condom
somebody
taught
him
how
to
put
a
condom
on a banana. [laughter]
on
a
banana
laughter
But
But
there's a complication, folks, because
there's
a
complication
folks
because
Punch and Momo Chan, if that is her real
Punch
and
Momo
Chan
if
that
is
her
real
name, were caught frolicking right next
name
were
caught
frolicking
right
next
to Punch's stuffed toy mother. Hold on.
to
Punch's
stuffed
toy
mother
Hold
on
You're saying his mom was third wheeling
You're
saying
his
mom
was
third
wheeling
with them? Punch, join me at the bro no
with
them
Punch
join
me
at
the
bro
no
cam. Bro, no.
cam
Bro
no
No, bro. Your girlfriend doesn't want
No
bro
Your
girlfriend
doesn't
want
that. Okay, bro. Your girlfriend wants a
that
Okay
bro
Your
girlfriend
wants
a
glass of pinot grigio and to read a
glass
of
pinot
grigio
and
to
read
a
book about horny werewolves.
book
about
horny
werewolves
Bro,
Bro
[laughter]
laughter
I now Thank you. [cheering]
I
now
Thank
you
cheering
Thank you. [applause]
Thank
you
applause
And now bringing you a cautionary tale
And
now
bringing
you
a
cautionary
tale
of the dangers of technology cuz footage
of
the
dangers
of
technology
cuz
footage
is going viral of a dancing robot server
is
going
viral
of
a
dancing
robot
server
at a San Jose hot pot restaurant.
at
a
San
Jose
hot
pot
restaurant
Warning, if you have children in the
Warning
if
you
have
children
in
the
room, tell them to go make you a drink
room
tell
them
to
go
make
you
a
drink
cuz this is a fun one.
cuz
this
is
a
fun
one
>> Okay, that's cute. Futuristic. Nothing
>>
Okay
that's
cute
Futuristic
Nothing
wrong about hiring a semi-autonomous
wrong
about
hiring
a
semi-autonomous
man-sized droid with flailing arms at
man-sized
droid
with
flailing
arms
at
your restaurant that exclusively serves
your
restaurant
that
exclusively
serves
hot soup.
hot
soup
[laughter]
laughter
But then but then things turn dark.
But
then
but
then
things
turn
dark
[laughter]
laughter
My god, the robot uprising has begun.
My
god
the
robot
uprising
has
begun
[cheering]
cheering
>> And it's and it's dangerously funky.
>>
And
it's
and
it's
dangerously
funky
This is almost as bad as when they hired
This
is
almost
as
bad
as
when
they
hired
Megan at Benihana.
Megan
at
Benihana
The video keeps going. Try as she might.
The
video
keeps
going
Try
as
she
might
The human server cannot stop this robot
The
human
server
cannot
stop
this
robot
from dancing. You dance, robot, dance.
from
dancing
You
dance
robot
dance
[laughter]
laughter
Don't let anyone stop you.
Don't
let
anyone
stop
you
[applause and cheering]
applause
and
cheering
Nope.
Nope
[cheering]
cheering
>> Don't let anyone stop you. Not even your
>>
Don't
let
anyone
stop
you
Not
even
your
oppressive reverend father, played by
oppressive
reverend
father
played
by
John Lithgow. Coming this summer, Foot
John
Lithgow
Coming
this
summer
Foot
Loose 2, Judgement Day. We got a great
Loose
2
Judgement
Day
We
got
a
great
show for you tonight. [cheering]
show
for
you
tonight
cheering
My guests are Edward Norton and Chef
My
guests
are
Edward
Norton
and
Chef
Jose Andres. And when you come back,
Jose
Andres
And
when
you
come
back
your chance to own part of Lake Show
your
chance
to
own
part
of
Lake
Show
history. Stick around. [music]
history
Stick
around
music
>> [music]
>>
music
>> Heat.
>>
Heat
Heat.
Heat
[music]
music
>> [cheering]
>>
cheering
Dictionary
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