[MUSIC
PLAYING
]
As you know-- many of you here--
there has been great concern lately over AI
and what data centers will do to local communities,
the threats posed by rogue AI agents.
So President Trump called all of the biggest AI leaders
to the White House to finally address the concerns
of the American people.
And you know that Trump is going
to bring the heat because--
because--
[AUDIENCE LAUGHING]
Don't be cynical.
[AUDIENCE LAUGHING]
He's going to bring the heat.
Trump has been very clear what he thinks about these Silicon
Valley elites.
[VIDEO PLAYBACK]
These Silicon Valley tyrants.
The big tech giants-- you see how crooked they are.
Big tech is totally dishonest.
They're destroying our country.
Google is really taking advantage of a lot of people.
I consider Facebook to be an enemy of the people.
Weirdo Mark Zuckerberg.
Weirdo-- he's a weirdo.
[END PLAYBACK]
[AUDIENCE LAUGHING]
I got to say, I did not know Trump said
true stuff at his rallies.
I've been too hard on him.
But no, no, this is going to be great.
What do you think he's going to announce?
An moratorium?
Nationalizing the companies strict antitrust initiatives?
Maybe make everybody use those old modems from now on.
[MIMICKING MODEM NOISES]
[AUDIENCE LAUGHING]
What do you got, Tee-tee?
[VIDEO PLAYBACK]
REPORTER (VOICEOVER): President Trump
declaring AI leaders should police themselves
after weeks of dire warnings about the threat
it could pose to humanity.
And they're going to self-police.
They're going to police themselves.
It's going to work out very well.
[END PLAYBACK]
[AUDIENCE BOOING]
They're tyrants.
They're tyrants.
(IMPERSONATING PRESIDENT TRUMP)
The enemies of the people will watch the dishonest.
The tyrants will watch the crooked.
And everyone will keep an eye on the weirdo.
Right.
[AUDIENCE LAUGHING]
What happened?
I thought you hated these guys.
Now you got little inside jokes.
Oh.
[MOCKINGLY EXCLAIMING]
What'd they give you millions of dollars or something--
[AUDIENCE LAUGHING]
I'm being told they gave him millions of dollars.
Well, how can you justify letting the tech
giants regulate themselves?
[VIDEO PLAYBACK]
We have the smartest people in the world
watching over each other.
These are seriously high-IQ people.
And they're really watching over each other.
[END PLAYBACK] -
Wow.
Well, yeah, I mean, seriously high-IQ people
would never have a problem watching over each other
to make sure that moral and legal lines aren't crossed,
like in the 2008 financial crisis
or this real Epstein files photo of Stephen Hawking.
[AUDIENCE LAUGHING]
(IMPERSONATING STEPHEN HAWKING)
I thought it was a symposium.
[AUDIENCE LAUGHING]
I was going to hell anyway.
All right, look, maybe I'm overreacting to the dangers
that AI could present.
Oh, high-IQ Council.
Tell me I'm open.
What's the likely outcome of the deployment
of this technology? [VIDEO PLAYBACK]
Life is going to get better.
The quality of human experience is going to get better.
Almost make us a little bit superhuman in some ways.
There's going to be a kind of golden era.
I think AI will probably most likely
lead to the end of the world.
The world is going to get a lot more--
like a lot funnier.
[END PLAYBACK]
[AUDIENCE LAUGHING]
I'm sorry, I looked down for just a second
and I heard the funnier part.
That's great.
There was just something said right before--
I don't remember which neurotic weirdo said it.
[VIDEO PLAYBACK] -
Lead to the end of the world.
[END PLAYBACK] -
Yeah, that one.
It leads to the end of the world.
What?
[VIDEO PLAYBACK]
So I thought we'd start with the easiest question of all.
Is AI going to kill us?
[LAUGHING]
[END PLAYBACK]
[AUDIENCE LAUGHING]
Not really the place for the awkward laugh.
[VIDEO PLAYBACK]
Well, I think if we all do a good job and an act
responsibly, then no.
[END PLAYBACK]
[AUDIENCE GROANING]
You can't even do a good job sitting like a normal human
in a chair.
You're sitting like you're Kirk on the [BLEEP] deck--
the holodeck.
[AUDIENCE LAUGHING]
It does not comfort me.
But, you know what, maybe we should trust him.
When has Mark Zuckerberg ever acted irresponsibly?
[VIDEO PLAYBACK]
This was a major breach of trust,
and I'm really sorry that this happened.
That was a big mistake.
It was my mistake.
And I'm sorry.
We've made mistakes, for sure.
I've made so many mistakes in running the company so far.
I mean, like basically any mistake
that you think you can make, I've probably made.
[END PLAYBACK]
[AUDIENCE LAUGHING]
We can think of a lot of mistakes.
So, yeah, there's definitely a chance AI will kill us all.
How big a chance?
[VIDEO PLAYBACK]
Somewhere between 0% and 10%.
I think there's some chance that it will end humanity.
I don't know-- 10% or 20% or something like that.
So I think there's a 25% chance that things go really,
really badly. [END PLAYBACK]
Do I hear 50?
[AUDIENCE LAUGHING]
There's a 25% chance this goes really,
really badly, a 20% chance it ends the world.
So just out of curiosity, why can't we just [BLEEP]
slow this down rather than let people regulate
something they have a clear conflict of interest
in regulating?
[VIDEO PLAYBACK]
We cannot let China win the race when it comes to AI.
There is no day after tomorrow if China wins at this.
They're going to be killer robots.
I'd rather they be American killer robots
and not Chinese killer robots.
[END PLAYBACK] [AUDIENCE LAUGHING AND BOOING]
I'm sorry.
May I offer a third option?
[AUDIENCE LAUGHING]
No killer robots.
Maybe no right--
[AUDIENCE APPLAUDING]
The crowd likes it.
It seems-- it seems popular.
I don't know, maybe--
I'm the first person to say it.
If someone else has already suggested this,
I'm terribly sorry.
Look, let me go a different route here.
What are we getting in exchange for this 10% to 25%
chance of extinction?
[VIDEO PLAYBACK]
Access to high quality health care, education, and more.
Addressing climate change.
Actually eliminate poverty.
Solving diseases.
Cure important diseases, like cancer and Alzheimer's.
[END PLAYBACK]
Wow wow.
That's great.
I-- when's that happening?
[VIDEO PLAYBACK]
One day we'll be far more capable.
Someday, and it will be soon.
Someday.
In the future.
[END PLAYBACK]
[AUDIENCE LAUGHING]
Huh.
Well, I'm looking forward to someday in the future.
Just out of curiosity, what are we using AI for now.
[VIDEO PLAYBACK]
REPORTER (VOICEOVER): Swarms of AI powered drones helping
ICE find the immigrants.
Spread mis- and disinformation
to influence our democracy.
REPORTER (VOICEOVER): Develop weapons and attack plans.
Targeting operations.
Cyber attacks.
A mass surveillance system.
REPORTER (VOICEOVER): McDonald's
pushing AI tools to raise prices based on demand.
[END PLAYBACK]
[AUDIENCE BOOING]
So in the future, we will use AI to cure diseases.
But right now, it's mostly murder, surveillance, and surge
pricing for the McRib.
[AUDIENCE LAUGHING]
What a trade.
I'm getting the sense you guys might be full of shit.
I've got a final test.
I'm going to ask you a very straightforward question.
And you being the high-IQ individuals in charge
of regulating yourselves through the minefield
of this new technology, I just want
a straightforward way and an answer to a simple question.
Jobs-- will we still have them?
[VIDEO PLAYBACK]
I think there will be actually
a high demand for jobs, but not necessarily the same jobs.
Some jobs will go away.
There will be new, better jobs.
[END PLAYBACK]
That's OK.
I think we all--
I think we all like new, better jobs.
So like, what are the new better jobs?
[VIDEO PLAYBACK]
They're difficult to imagine as we sit here
and dream about what the future's going to look like.
[END PLAYBACK]
[AUDIENCE LAUGHING]
You high-IQ mother-[BLEEP].
You--
[AUDIENCE APPLAUDING]
Difficult to imagine?
You've imagined us living disease-free on Mars.
But jobs-- that's beyond the limit of the cosmos.
They can't answer the jobs question
in a straightforward manner.
Jensen Huang of NVIDIA, the most valuable company
in the world, do you want to take a shot at a clear answer
to how we humans still find relevance in this new economy?
[VIDEO PLAYBACK]
I believe that we are going to see jobs change in mass.
I believe there's going to be a net creation of jobs.
[END PLAYBACK]
Ah, net creation.
And those jobs would be--
[VIDEO PLAYBACK]
So let's um-- uh, listen, there's a whole bunch
of industry that exist today that didn't exist
halfway through my life.
[END PLAYBACK]
[AUDIENCE LAUGHING]
Like?
[VIDEO PLAYBACK]
You know, people talking about wellness centers
and spas.
[END PLAYBACK]
I'm sorry, you were trying to think of an industry that
didn't exist until a few years ago and you came up with spas.
[AUDIENCE LAUGHING]
They have ruins of those from 2000 BC.
Are you kidding me.
[AUDIENCE APPLAUDING]
You know what, can you guys just stop fumfering around
and just admit that if this works the way you say
it will work, there aren't going
to be that many jobs anymore.
[VIDEO PLAYBACK]
If you want to do a job as kind of like a hobby,
you can do a job.
[END PLAYBACK]
There you have it.
If you're going to want a job, if you still want one,
you could have one as a hobby.
The view of our self-policing geniuses
is that the new world that we are building
must continue without regulation
or financial limitation, because it's
important work carried out by important people.
And my guess is they'll still have jobs when this is done.
This technology is the natural outcome
of a capitalist system that rewards
progress and innovation.
And you're never going to believe where it leads?
[VIDEO PLAYBACK] -
An age of abundance.
REPORTER: What are the jobs of the future?
Because people are looking at this and they're
worried, particularly laptop jobs.
What are they going to do in the future, Mr. Musk?
I think by far the most likely outcome
is an age of abundance, where we don't have
just a universal basic income.
We have universal high income.
[END PLAYBACK]
That's the answer.
If we let them do enough unfettered capitalism,
we can apparently capitalism our way to socialism.
[AUDIENCE APPLAUDING]
Knock it out.
[AUDIENCE APPLAUDING]
What?
But if the ultimate goal of having an immense flood
of money in society is to then give
it away for free to the people, quick question-- why wait?
If $50 trillion gets us to a future where the government has
enough to give people money, why not just
give us the $50 trillion now?
Don't call us welfare queens.
Just call us early adopters.
[AUDIENCE APPLAUDING]
Stop lying to us.
Claims of universal high income and incredible hobbies
isn't going to paper over how frightening this future
can sound.
What are you going to come up with next to distract us?
[VIDEO PLAYBACK]
REPORTER (VOICEOVER): :
Meta, this week,
unveiled a new AI agent that it's, I guess, really
pushing the cuteness factor.
It's called Muse.
It's very cute.
It is cute.
I think the default that all the other labs have are these
like robot-looking things.
And we just wanted something that was like kind of like fun.
[END PLAYBACK]
Oh my god, it is fun.
It's like a Trojan--
I really don't know what that is.
I want to say a panda [BLEEP] Labubu.
I don't really know.
[AUDIENCE LAUGHING]
We are now just four weeks away from election day,
the most important Tuesday of the year
after all the taco ones.
And right now, Republicans are at a risk of losing
in a lot of red states.
I'm talking states like Texas, Iowa, Kansas
and even Alabraska.
[AUDIENCE LAUGHING] Yeah.
Yeah.
You guys didn't even know about Alabraska,
because you're all wrapped up in your East Coast bubble.
It may just be flyover country to you coastal elites.
But to the hicks who live there, it's home.
OK.
But one reason Republicans are struggling
is that they aren't exactly fielding the best candidates.
For example, in the Ohio governor's race,
their nominee is Vivek Ramaswamy,
former presidential candidate and guy
with resting virgin face.
[AUDIENCE LAUGHING]
His campaign really needs a lift,
but lifting doesn't seem to be his strong suit.
[VIDEO PLAYBACK]
[CHEERING]
I'll pick you up.
There you go.
Whoa.
Big guy. [END PLAYBACK]
Whoa.
See, this is why you can't skip lifting kids day at the gym.
[AUDIENCE LAUGHING]
Now, to be fair, this kid wasn't helping.
I mean, look, he went full deadweight.
[AUDIENCE LAUGHING]
That's the move my kid makes when she doesn't
want to leave the playground.
And I don't want to drop her because I'm a good dad,
so typically I just leave her there.
But this was not what Vivek needed,
especially after the last time he tried
to show off his manliness.
[VIDEO PLAYBACK]
REPORTER (VOICEOVER): Ohio gubernatorial candidate
Vivek Ramaswamy has deleted a campaign
video after the internet mocked his baseball swing.
There's 10 things I'm going to do for Ohio--
slash property taxes, abolish your state income tax.
[MUSIC PLAYING]
[END PLAYBACK]
[AUDIENCE LAUGHING]
What are you laughing at?
He swings the bat like Jeter.
That's the name of my blind, gay nephew.
[AUDIENCE LAUGHING]
Damn, that swing is bad.
Please tell me his father died young.
At least that's an excuse.
[AUDIENCE GROANING]
His father didn't die young.
We fact-checked it before the joke.
[AUDIENCE LAUGHING]
I mean, what a harsh way to find out everyone on your staff
hates the living shit out of you.
Hey, does this swing look good?
Yeah, definitely, that's how all the pros do it.
[AUDIENCE LAUGHING]
Meanwhile, in the Texas Senate race,
Republicans are running Ken Paxton, the attorney
general, who amazingly found someone to cheat on his
wife with.
[AUDIENCE LAUGHING]
He's running an ad trying to highlight his hard stance
on human trafficking, but it's not exactly
sending the right message.
[VIDEO PLAYBACK]
NARRATOR: A 16-year-old runaway from San Antonio trafficked
around Texas, until Ken Paxton's human
trafficking unit stepped in.
When missing posters go up, Ken Paxton takes them down.
[END PLAYBACK]
Wow.
[AUDIENCE GROANING]
What a harsh way to find out everyone on your staff
hates the living shit out of you?
This doesn't make me look like I'm kidnapping girls and taking
down the posters, right.
No, of course not.
That's how all the pros do it.
Anyway, with teammates like this,
it's no wonder that Donald Trump has decided
to put them on his back and carry them across the finish
line himself.
Last night, he hit the campaign trail in Nebraska,
where he promised voters relief from the high gas prices
that some moron inflicted on them.
[VIDEO PLAYBACK]
Tonight, I'm going to sign a historic executive order
to officially waive the off-road requirement
and allow anyone to purchase tax-free red-dyed
diesel for any reason.
[END PLAYBACK]
Yeah, executive order on red-dyed diesel.
What's red-dyed diesel?
I mean, I know all of those words individually,
but not all together.
Is that how they make Froot Loops?
[AUDIENCE LAUGHING]
Well, thankfully, the president is signing
an executive order about it.
So he'll explain it to us.
[VIDEO PLAYBACK]
Red-dyed diesel-- do you know what that is?
I don't know what the hell it is.
But whatever it is, it's supposed to be very good.
Does anybody want to explain it?
[END PLAYBACK]
If you're doing this to help us,
shouldn't you at least know what it is?
This feels like a doctor going, well,
I finished your vasectomy.
By the way, what do the balls do anyway?
[AUDIENCE LAUGHING]
Do you know what, Trump?
I don't think getting a discount off red-dyed diesel
is going to get the country back on your side.
You need to do something like end the war
or regulate AI, or stop bringing back diseases
that you could only get on the Oregon Trail--
something big. [VIDEO PLAYBACK]
REPORTER (VOICEOVER): Donald Trump wants to make
daylight savings permanent.
[END PLAYBACK]
Sure OK.
Daylight saving time-- sometimes
I also start at the bottom of my to-do list.
[AUDIENCE LAUGHING]
But OK, let's hear it.
What's your pitch?
[VIDEO PLAYBACK]
We want to get away from this ridiculous way and custom of,
every twice a year, turning your clocks
back, turning your clocks forward, being late for dinner.
[END PLAYBACK] [AUDIENCE LAUGHING]
Yeah.
Yeah.
Finally, a crisis that Trump takes seriously--
being late for dinner.
No president wants to get that terrible phone call-- sir,
they've already started serving the appetizers.
I mean, it's 2026.
There's like one clock in my entire house that
doesn't change automatically.
If Trump wants to permanently shift the entire country's
daylight hours, he's going to need a better reason than, it's
annoying to change the clock.
[VIDEO PLAYBACK]
We don't want to change clocks twice a year.
It's very expensive.
[END PLAYBACK]
[AUDIENCE LAUGHING]
It's expensive.
How is it expensive to change your clocks?
Are you hiring Shohei Ohtani to do it for you?
[AUDIENCE LAUGHING]
Maybe I'm doing it wrong.
But historically, it's always cost me $0 to change my clocks.
Mr. President, you got to give us
a better reason-- crime rates, car safety, GDP, something.
[VIDEO PLAYBACK]
They don't want to have to go around changing clocks.
People don't want to have to change
their clocks twice a year.
It's a lot of work for a lot of people that
are running around for two days,
changing all the clocks in their house.
[END PLAYBACK] -
OK.
OK Now, that sounds like a lie.
I would make up to avoid going to my daughter's recital.
Sorry, honey, it's going to take me like two days
to change all the clocks.
But I'm sure you'll do great, considering you've practiced
once in the last six months.
But I'll admit, it is a lot of running around.
And sadly, most fatal clock-changing accidents
happen at home.
[AUDIENCE LAUGHING]
The time of death--
nobody knows.
[AUDIENCE APPLAUDING]
But not all Republicans want this as bad as Trump does.
In fact, the only thing standing in the way of Trump
and his dream of permanent daylight
is Arkansas Senator Tom Cotton, so named because he's
genetically half Q-tip.
He's single-handedly blocking Trump's bill
from coming to vote.
And I'm sure Trump is going to be totally normal about that.
Right.
Right?
Right?
[VIDEO PLAYBACK]
President Trump publicly shared on social media what he
said is the personal cell phone number of Republican Senator
Tom Cotton, in apparent effort to pressure the lawmaker
to support legislation that would make daylight
saving time permanent.
[END PLAYBACK]
Wait, he released his personal cell phone number.
Oh my god, what a dick--
is what Tom Cotton probably thought when he got
60,000 unsolicited dick pics.
[AUDIENCE LAUGHING]
Now, I know that sounds annoying.
But it's not as annoying as going around your house for two
days changing all your clocks.
[AUDIENCE LAUGHING]
I know things aren't great right now--
the wars, the economy, Taylor Swift's new music.
But you know what, I woke up this morning.
The sun was shining.
People were smiling.
It made me realize, hey, we're all going to be OK.
[VIDEO PLAYBACK]
REPORTER (VOICEOVER): US health officials
monitoring a possible plague outbreak in Russia.
Nearly 200 people reportedly under
quarantine for the rare, highly contagious, and deadly disease.
[END PLAYBACK]
Oh my god, the plague.
[AUDIENCE LAUGHING]
Like the plague plague?
How come nothing good ever comes
back from the 14th century.
What I wouldn't do for a lusty wench with an ample bosom?
But no, it had to be the plague.
Now, I know when you hear about something like this,
your initial response is, oh my god,
a deadly pandemic from a foreign country
while Donald Trump is president.
This is COVID all over again.
But calm down.
There's a lot of differences.
For one, nobody's talking about this dangerous infection
being accidentally released from a research institute.
[VIDEO PLAYBACK]
Russian authorities saying a dangerous infection was
accidentally released at an anti-plague research
institute in Southern Siberia.
[END PLAYBACK]
Oh shit.
It's deja flu.
[AUDIENCE LAUGHING]
By the way, do we really need these anti-disease labs
that only seem to exist to occasionally leak new diseases?
At least put something fun in them,
so the leak isn't all bad.
Sure, we accidentally released the plague,
but we also accidentally released
a new Yankee candle scent.
[AUDIENCE LAUGHING]
But now that this pathogen is out there,
our only hope is that President Trump is prepared for it.
And let's be honest, that's not really his strength.
But let's see what he has to say about it.
[VIDEO PLAYBACK]
What is the US going to do about the risk
of pneumonic plague coming from Russia?
They call it pneumonia.
And pneumonia, you know, years ago you
could treat pneumonia easier.
The microbes and the germs have gotten
stronger disproportionately.
[END PLAYBACK]
Holy shit.
[AUDIENCE LAUGHING]
Did Trump just say disproportionately?
And microbe?
You know, the situation is bad if Trump is learning new words.
This guy falls asleep during every intelligence briefing.
Now all of a sudden, he's coming out here
like, the DNA sequencing of this microbe
disproportionately reveals concerning protein strands.
This is not good.
Don't forget, we as a country have completely
turned against the basic precautions
that got us through COVID.
The joke is going to be on us when the only people
who survive this new plague is that Massachusetts lesbian bar.
[AUDIENCE LAUGHING]
But maybe, the most concerning part
is that during COVID, Trump at least had some qualified people
around him-- renowned scientists, physicians,
public health experts.
Remind me again, who's in charge of the health department
this time around?
[VIDEO PLAYBACK]
I'm not scared of a germ.
You know, I used to snort cocaine off of toilet seats.
[END PLAYBACK]
So.
[AUDIENCE LAUGHING]
All right.
[AUDIENCE APPLAUDING]
All right, so I'll see you guys on Zoom.
But you know what, even if this is a plague,
you got to find ways to enjoy your life.
For instance, going outside, getting some fresh air,
walking around the neighborhood.
[VIDEO PLAYBACK]
REPORTER (VOICEOVER): The danger lurking underground
from old and abandoned mines eroding
away and causing sinkholes and other incidents
across the country.
This 30-foot sinkhole swallowing
a chunk of a suburban South Dakota street.
Others swallowing cars.
Each of these hundreds of thousands of dots
tied to a mine.
[END PLAYBACK]
There's a sinkhole pandemic?
[AUDIENCE LAUGHING]
I thought the whole job of the ground was to be the ground.
What do you mean there's a ground under the ground?
What the [BLEEP] have I been walking on this whole time?
[AUDIENCE LAUGHING]
This is so messed up.
Mines are only supposed to kill the people who work in them.
[AUDIENCE LAUGHING HESITANTLY]
[AUDIENCE BOOING]
Your first reaction was to laugh at that.
[AUDIENCE LAUGHING]
But look at that map.
These things are everywhere.
By the way, make sure you save a photo of that map.
Because if you do a Google search for minor holes near me,
the FBI is going to show up.
[AUDIENCE LAUGHING]
OK.
So I can't be with people, and I can't go outside.
Fine, I'll just stay home and I'll eat
my feelings like last time.
[VIDEO PLAYBACK]
REPORTER (VOICEOVER): A frozen berry
recall is expanding over possible E. coli contamination.
REPORTER (VOICEOVER): Dannon USA
is recalling pints of it's So Delicious
dairy-free frozen dessert.
The reason-- possible foreign materials, like small stones.
REPORTER (VOICEOVER): The frozen pasta dish,
sold at Walmart, under recall--
concerns over listeria.
Walmart alerting shoppers to check
their freezers for Bettergoods Authentic Italian
Lemon Alfredo Fettuccine.
[END PLAYBACK]
And if you find a Walmart fettuccine
Alfredo in your freezer, see a doctor
about clinical depression.
[AUDIENCE LAUGHING]
Look, I don't think anyone microwaving
a frozen brick of fettuccine is really going to care.
Their life is already over.
Some divorced dad is going to eat this off a paper plate,
taste the listeria, and be like, yeah, so what.
Let's start with the US ambassador
to Greece, Kimberly Guilfoyle.
You might remember her as Don Junior's former fiance.
Sadly, the relationship fell apart after they
got to know each other.
[AUDIENCE LAUGHING]
Or you might remember her from the Trump campaign
where she gave this epic speech.
[VIDEO PLAYBACK]
Ladies and gentlemen, leaders and fighters
for freedom and liberty and the American dream, the best
is yet to come.
[END PLAYBACK]
[AUDIENCE LAUGHING]
Sadly, her sign language interpreter died of exhaustion.
[AUDIENCE LAUGHING]
Of course, before Guilfoyle broke the sound barrier,
she reportedly made history as the only woman
to get fired from Fox News for sexual harassment.
Hey, hey, you go girl--
no, specifically to HR. Go to HR immediately.
[AUDIENCE LAUGHING]
With such a stellar resume, it's no surprise
that she was nominated to be Trump's ambassador
to Greece, a critical role in overseeing
America's big fat weddings.
And so it's reassuring to know our diplomatic corps
is staffed with such paragons of integrity and, above
all dignity.
[VIDEO PLAYBACK]
US Ambassador to Greece and Donald Trump Junior's former
fiancée, Kimberly Guilfoyle, pushed a Trump donor
to send her $100,000 to pay her American
Express bill last year.
NARRATOR: "Honey, please, I need you to get
this done for me today."
REPORTER (VOICEOVER): Adding a prayer hands emoji and a PDF
with bill payment instructions from American Express.
[END PLAYBACK]
Wow, that was not subtle. Um--
[AUDIENCE LAUGHING]
Usually it's meet me in the parking lot
with a suitcase full of bills.
But Guilfoyle was like, here is a PDF with instructions
for how to send me a bribe.
Please send the bribe today, honey.
[AUDIENCE LAUGHING]
Man, if the Justice Department still existed,
you'd be in so much trouble.
And damn, $100,000 credit card bill.
Now, her current job makes sense.
Hmm we need a new ambassador who really understands Greece.
Kimberly, you're deep in debt.
You'd be perfect.
[AUDIENCE LAUGHING]
You OK?
But yes, Kimberly Guilfoyle, seen here
demonstrating the size of her debt,
wanted this guy to pay off her Amex card.
But the question is, well, what does he get out of it.
[VIDEO PLAYBACK]
Guilfoyle told him, if he paid her Amex bill,
quote, "I will be your Trump ride or die forever and ever."
[END PLAYBACK]
Oh, Trump's ride or die, that's a good deal.
Everyone knows there's no closer
relationship than that of a man and his son's
incredibly loud ex-fiance.
Now, maybe you're thinking, is it possible
that Kimberly Guilfoyle was too stupid to understand
that this was wrong.
And that is a reasonable thought.
But judging by her other texts, she knew.
[VIDEO PLAYBACK]
Guilfoyle began to express concerns
about their dealings becoming public
and sent him this message on Signal.
"Eric, I really wish you would stop papering all these things.
It's really dangerous and not helpful to you or me,
while you could simply just call me on Signal.
She added, "What a nightmare, you'll literally
cost me my ambassadorship.
Stop writing." [END PLAYBACK]
[AUDIENCE LAUGHING]
Oh, real criminal mastermind we got here.
She left a paper trail about not leaving a paper trail.
Didn't help that she named the group chat,
Paper Trail, parentheses, Crimes.
[AUDIENCE LAUGHING]
She had a point though.
Why wouldn't this guy just call her on the phone?
[VIDEO PLAYBACK]
The best is yet to come.
[END PLAYBACK]
Oh, yeah, right, I probably would have text her too.
So the question is, who was this donor that Kim was
shaking down for Amex points?
I assume as Ambassador to Greece, the type of donor she's
dealing with are shipping magnates or international art
dealers, people like that.
[VIDEO PLAYBACK]
The donor was a man named Eric Deters,
an attorney and former co-owner of the regional pizza chain,
Snappy Tomato Pizza.
[END PLAYBACK]
Oh OK.
[AUDIENCE LAUGHING]
So this thing goes all the way to the top--
of that regional Kentucky pizza chain.
Seriously, what's a snappy tomato?
Sounds like a slur for an Italian guy with a bad temper.
Or should I just say an Italian guy?
[AUDIENCE LAUGHING]
The Greeks, Italians-- we're going after everybody.
Now, to be clear, Kimberly Guilfoyle wasn't the only one
asking for favors.
Mr. Tomato also had specific favors he wanted from her.
[VIDEO PLAYBACK]
He wanted her to lobby on his behalf to the IRS commissioner
to help him resolve a tax dispute.
Deters promised Guilfoyle as much as a $1 million
if she was successful.
He also wanted her to help him get
on Tucker Carlson's podcast.
He wanted her to send a song he wrote to Kid Rock.
[END PLAYBACK]
[AUDIENCE LAUGHING]
He wanted her to send a song to Kid Rock?
Trust me, you don't need to send a shitty song to Kid Rock.
He has plenty at home.
[AUDIENCE APPLAUDING]
Also, you don't need to bribe someone
to get a song to Kid Rock.
Just strap a CD to a beer can and throw it into his yard.
[AUDIENCE LAUGHING]
Obviously, I'm kidding, I don't know if the song is bad.
OK.
But Deters did put it on YouTube.
So let's hear it.
[VIDEO PLAYBACK]
[ROCK MUSIC]
MAN: (SINGING) He stands defiant as he
takes the kicks of a mule.
He stands alone.
He is hit and kicked from every side.
He gets knocked down again and again.
He takes another beating.
They'll hit you, kick you, and beat you down.
And you'll finally hit the ground.
[END PLAYBACK]
Hey, don't laugh, don't laugh.
That was my wedding song.
[AUDIENCE LAUGHING]
All right.
So as far as I can tell, this is a song about a guy who's
gotten the shit kicked out of him so many times,
he forgot that he already sang several lines about getting
the shit kicked out of him.
And yeah, that song doesn't make any sense.
But on the bright side, I will never listen to it again.
But maybe the biggest twist in this whole scandal
is that the only reason we know about this scandal
is because pizza boy himself decided to go public, probably
because he knew the entire arrangement was unethical,
unless it was something else. [VIDEO PLAYBACK]
REPORTER (VOICEOVER): In a message last summer,
a frustrated Deters told Guilfoyle, quote, "I have paid
you $300,000 over the years.
As of this memo, I have not received one favor.
I am not naive or a sucker.
I need results."
You haven't got me on Tucker.
You haven't got me on a Fox interview.
You haven't done squat.
You didn't get Kid Rock the song
that I wrote that was called, The Kentucky Outlaw.
So you haven't done anything for me.
[END PLAYBACK]
Whew, that is one snappy tomato.
[AUDIENCE LAUGHING]
[AUDIENCE APPLAUDING]
Yeah.
So, wait, this guy alerted the media
because he's mad that Guilfoyle didn't hold up her end
of the bribery bargain.
I've never seen someone ask to speak to the manager
of corruption before.
Do you know who I am?
I wrote Kentucky Outlaw.
So Kimberly Guilfoyle was apparently selling access
to the White House, which means the Trump administration's
corruption is so widespread, it runs the gamut
from the president getting a half a billion dollar
jet from Qatar, all the way down to an ambassador
getting her manicures paid off by Kentucky's
third best pizza chain.
Well, I guess the best is really yet to come.
[AUDIENCE APPLAUDING]
[MUSIC PLAYING]
0.5x - Slower
0.75x - Slow
1.0x - Normal
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