[THEME
MUSIC
]
And I know people that think that Donald Trump didn't
have a plan for the war.
But guess what, Libtards and "military generals?"
Turns out he did have a plan.
It was just very stupid.
New reporting reveals an early objective
of the war with Iran involved a regime change strategy that
would reinstate former Iranian President Mahmoud Ahmadinejad
as the country's leader
REPORTER: Yes, that Mahmoud Ahmadinejad,
the president of Iran from 2005 to 2013,
the man who strongly supported Iran's nuclear program
and more.
So the plan to stop Iran from getting nuclear weapons
was to install a leader who wanted to get nuclear weapons?
I love it.
No notes.
And if you hate this plan, don't worry.
That wasn't the part that didn't work.
REPORTER: Ahmadinejad was injured on the war's first day
by an Israeli strike at his home in Tehran
that had been designed to free him from house arrest.
So you're telling me that two entire countries thought
the smartest way to free someone from house arrest
was to blow up his house.
Nobody suggested, I don't know, calling a locksmith,
maybe sneaking him out in a laundry bin.
What was the thinking here?
You can't be under house arrest if you don't have a house.
So--
[APPLAUSE CHEERING]
Obviously, that plan didn't work.
In fact, everything in the world of Iran
has been a lot harder than we thought.
But this is America.
And what do we do when things get hard?
Say it with me.
We lose interest and move on to other things.
[THEME MUSIC]
Let's move on from the terrifying wars
of the future to the terrifying war of the present, where
the ceasefire in Iran is starting to get a little less
cease and a little more fire.
REPORTER: Tehran and the US trading blows now.
Iran's downing of an American helicopter
prompting a fiery US response.
We're trading blows again?
This is not good.
By the way, fun fact-- trading blows was a setting
on Nancy Reagan's [BLEEP]-sucking machine,
and it was a good one.
So what happened, exactly?
REPORTER 1: Officials say, an Iranian drone
brought down a US Apache helicopter
patrolling the street.
REPORTER 2: The pilots rescued in a first-of-its-kind
operation by an unmanned surface vessel, a drone boat.
Sorry, wait a minute.
The pilots were hit by a drone and
then rescued by another drone?
Am I crazy, or were we warned about this?
The robots are here.
[LAUGHTER]
Oh, my God.
[APPLAUSE CHEERING]
You beautiful mystery.
You were right.
I am sorry, I ever doubted you.
Delete previous insults.
It's crazy that this war is not wrapped up already.
What is the president doing that's more
important than ending this conflict?
The Trump family is promoting this week's
UFC fight at the White House by selling
gold commemorative coins.
The Freedom 250 Silver and Gold Medallions feature Trump's face
and are being marketed as a collaboration between the UFC
and the Trump organization.
Oh.
Oh, OK, ending the war is important,
but a collab with UFC, I mean, that
doesn't come along every day.
[THEME MUSIC]
The Iran war is almost over.
Breaking news from the White House,
where President Trump has just called off his threat
to bomb Iran tonight.
He, quote, "understands" that the supreme
leader of Iran has approved of a deal
to end the war with Iran.
The Strait will officially open
as soon as we sign, which could be soon,
very soon, maybe over the weekend, in Europe.
I won't be able to be there.
[LAUGHTER]
Why are you not going to the ceremony you just invented?
What could you have going on that's more
important than ending a war?
Donald Trump will ring in his 80th birthday with a UFC cage
match on the White House lawn.
Ah well yes.
No. [BOOING]
No no no.
It makes sense, OK, because peace in the Middle East
is one thing, but a UFC fight is obviously more important,
you know?
It's like how Franklin Roosevelt
missed the end of World War II to be at WrestleMania.
[LAUGHTER]
But regardless of whether Donald Trump is there or not,
the US and Iran have reached a deal.
REPORTER: Iran says they have not reached any sort of deal.
OK, maybe, the war will keep going on for a while.
But listen, don't worry.
Trump is going to win this war.
It's guaranteed.
He's up like, 29 points.
[THEME MUSIC]
Great news.
The Iran war is finished.
REPORTER: In the gilded halls of Versailles--
REPORTER: --President Trump marking
the end of the G7 Summit by signing a Memorandum
of Understanding with Iran.
[LAUGHTER]
That was it?
That was signing the peace treaty?
It felt more like paying the bill after dinner.
Did Iran get the jalapeno poppers?
Because I didn't have any of the poppers.
I shouldn't have to pay for half the poppers.
Although I can understand why Trump didn't want
a bigger ceremony than this.
If you look at the details of this deal,
it's not really that great for him.
REPORTER: The agreement's most controversial provision,
a $300 billion framework for the reconstruction of Iran
and the return of over $100 billion in assets
that were frozen by the US.
In exchange, Iran must allow toll-free passage
through the Strait of Hormuz for 60 days,
which existed before the war.
$300 billion?
I mean, how did that happen?
You know what?
Wait a minute.
Can we zoom in there for a second?
Can we zoom in?
There it is.
They got him with that automatic gratuity.
You got to watch out for that.
So basically, we go back to where we were before the war,
except Iran gets $400 billion.
And to add insult to injury, the Ayatollah is
using all that cash to build himself a sweet-ass
ballroom so--
[LAUGHTER]
You know what?
Maybe it's worth giving Iran a big
ol' bribe if it means completely eliminating
their military apparatus.
He conceded yesterday that it will not completely eliminate
their military apparatus.
What?
Didn't they have a whole ballistic missile
arsenal that we were trying to dismantle?
The president saying it would be unfair for Iran
not to have a ballistic missile arsenal while their neighbors
in the Gulf do.
If other countries have them, it's
a little bit unfair for them not to have some.
Slow down there, Ms. Rachel.
I don't know if sharing is caring applies to ICBMs, OK?
All right.
I'm a bit confused here.
I'm trying to remember Trump's position on all of this
before the treaty.
We are going to destroy their missiles
and raze their missile industry to the ground.
It will be totally, again, obliterated.
OK OK.
That sounds bad.
Maybe that was taken out of context.
Can we play the rest of the sentence?
It will be totally, again, obliterated.
MAN: Unless, it's a little bit unfair.
OK OK.
Yes, thank you.
See see see.
And you people doubted his dedication
to equity and inclusion.
But the fact that Donald Trump started
a war that ended badly for him is not really a surprise.
What's a little shocking is that conservatives
are calling him out on it.
The details that I've seen so far look awful.
I don't want to see theocratic Islamists who
want to kill us made stronger.
Count me in the skeptical column.
They're going to recover everything
we've taken away from them.
It's much bigger than a mistake.
They're better off than they were
before the hostilities began.
Wow.
That assessment is brutal for Trump.
I mean, the man who went to his barber and said,
I wanted my head to look like the reservoir tip of a condom
thinks you have bad judgment.
I mean, Mr. President, you need to bring
the skeptics onto your side.
And I'm sure you'll marshal all of your rhetorical wit
and persuasive techniques to do so.
A furious response from the president.
This is what he wrote before dawn.
"These fools who think I haven't been tough enough
on Iran, they're just either jealous,
bad people, or stupid."
[CLAPPING]
Masterful sir masterful.
Oh, another powerful rebuttal on par with the greats.
I believe, it was Cicero who said,
you fugly sluts wish you were thick like me.
[THEME MUSIC]
But you know what? It doesn't really matter.
It doesn't matter who we send because there's
not a lot of wiggle room in these negotiations.
President Trump has been very clear about what's expected.
The president said, "There will
be no deal with Iran except unconditional surrender."
Ta-ta.
So basically, JD Vance is just there
to pick up the white flag, get it signed,
hand out a couple of orange slices, call it a game.
But for all you nit-peacers out there wondering, well,
what does surrender even mean?
It's very simple.
They laid it out quite clearly.
We want to see no nuclear bomb, no nuclear weapon.
Not even close to it.
I say no enrichment.
They want it for civilian, you know for civil.
I think it's uncivil.
We also want the enriched uranium.
Destroying Iran's missile capabilities
and their capacity to produce brand new ones.
No money will exchange hands in any way, shape, or form.
Bull-- So we already know what the deal is.
So why don't we go through the deal point by point?
Probably isn't going to take much time
at all, pretty simple.
Number one, they have to give us all
their valuable nuclear material.
It's actually not valuable.
Not a lot of value, but we'd like
to get it, psychologically, but nobody's touching it.
Oh OK.
OK yeah.
So we're not actually going to get it,
but at least, they can't touch it.
I mean, they can look at it.
Looking's not cheating.
You know what I mean?
As long as Iran doesn't use it for enrichment, you know,
for military or civilian use, that's
where we actually are drawing the line, right, Mr. Trump?
Well, it is a little hard, though, when you
say that somebody wants to--
other people have it, other adjoining states have it,
and you're not letting them have
it for purposes of electricity and things like that.
It's always a little tough.
You have to use a little common sense.
Have to use-- you're the non-nuclear guy!
You're the one who said it!
Now, suddenly, yeah, enrich a little bit.
I mean, we all enrich nuclear material at some point.
You know what I'm saying.
The point is, we don't have to be
such hard asses about the nuclear,
because really, the main reason we went
there was the ballistic missile program.
That's why we're there.
And we are definitely not budging on that.
The conventional ballistic missiles, which we'll
be talking about, and support--
I mean, they have to have some because other people have some.
They gotta have some
Sir, you shouldn't let them have any missile.
I said, well, what am I going to do?
Am I going to let Saudi Arabia have missiles,
but they can't have them?
Yes sir.
They can't.
It doesn't work that way.
It doesn't work that way.
We know that.
We know it doesn't work out.
Why are you acting like we're the assholes?
Like we were the assholes who were like,
no missiles, no nuclear, and you're like,
you gotta be reasonable.
We're just backing you up, and now you're telling us,
use your heads, people.
I mean, they got to have missiles.
You never know when some impulsive asshole
is going to start bombing them out of nowhere.
They don't have missiles.
They're going to have whatever.
What are we doing?
What kind of-- fine, fine.
Let them have [BLEEP] missiles.
At least, no money's changing hands.
KAITLAN COLLINS: As for money, the US
pledges to help create a $300 billion
reconstruction fund for Iran, allowing Iran immediately
to start selling its oil.
That could earn Iran $60 to $70 billion per year.
Also in this agreement, the unfreezing
of Iranian assets, which could be upwards of $100 billion.
So the hard line extremist regime of Iran
gets a nuclear stockpile, missiles, and money.
Iran is a circumcision away from being Israel.
Now wait.
I don't--
[CHEERING]
I don't actually know if Iranians circumcise,
so that may not be accurate.
But you get my point.
I'm sure someone will leave that in the Comment section.
I don't know if their penises have the hijab.
I don't know.
[LAUGHTER]
Maybe they just have where you just see the penises' eyes.
[LAUGHTER]
There's no graphic for that joke, by the way.
Look, if this is what we're giving the Iranians,
I don't understand why the Iranians are snubbing JD Vance.
They should be kissing his booger-laden ring.
I mean, what does America get for all these concessions?
Yesterday was a very, very good day.
We made a lot of good progress.
Oh yeah.
Go get 'em, Joan Didion Vance.
What kind of project?
Go get 'em, old J-Mountain Dew Vance.
I knew you'd come through.
What did we get?
The Iranians have agreed to invite IAEA inspectors back
into their country.
That is a major milestone for the American people.
Oh, yeah, that's a big milestone.
We haven't had nuclear inspectors in Iran since, oh,
when you started bombing them last year.
Iran inspectors went in there after the JCPOA
that Obama negotiated, and they only
left when we attacked Iran.
So just out of curiosity, why did we tear up the Obama deal
with Iran, again?
That horrible Iran nuclear deal,
that horrible, stupid deal.
The stupidity of that deal, where we give $150 billion,
we get nothing.
The deal allowed Iran to continue enriching uranium.
It also fails to address the regime's development
of ballistic missiles.
Who would make a deal so stupid as that?
The dumbest deal I've ever seen.
The worst deal ever negotiated of any kind.
[LAUGHTER]
Yeah, what kind of a dumb [BLEEP]?
You know, at the time--
it's so crazy.
I guess, the theory is, why trade smaller concessions
with Iran for peace, when we could
instead lose a war with them and make bigger concessions?
Well, I hope you learned your lesson, Iran.
There's plenty more concessions where that came from.
You mouth off again, and you're getting Greenland.
All right, but that's fine.
Let's just make the best of it.
JD, can you at least tell us the nuclear inspectors
will be starting right away to secure the uranium?
In terms of when the nuclear inspectors are going to start,
it's funny.
We were trying to call some of the inspectors last night
around 2:00 in the morning.
As you can expect, not many people
were answering their phone at 2:00 in the morning.
Is that funny, though?
We've been at war for four months,
and no one thought to call the nuclear inspectors
before 2:00 AM last night?
It's really less funny than just
shitty foresight and planning.
Honestly.
I mean, have you ever wondered who the [BLEEP]
buys luggage at an airport?
That's our negotiating team.
Oh, did we forget something?
Oh, you know what?
Why am I walking through the airport just
carrying my shit in my arms.
Just called the nuclear inspectors
at 2:00 in the morning?
[BLEEP]
Are we getting anything in exchange
for letting Iran have, like, half a trillion dollars?
If there is any frozen Iranian assets that
are unfrozen, the money would actually
go to buy American soy, American corn, and
American wheat, for the benefit of the Iranian people.
A classic Trump deal.
Oh.
It is a classic Trump deal.
Announce a bold action with grandiose ambition,
and then shit the bed, and then state confidently that bed
was the goal all along.
And then, finally, name the bed after Trump.
Yes, folks, we went to war with Iran
to force them to take money to buy our crops.
Win win.
How did no one else figure this out?
How did no other president have the foresight to bomb a country
into a crop-buying spree?
Well, I think one big difference, Phil, is that we
have a smart president.
Whereas in the past, we've had dumb presidents.
Adding.
[BLOWS NOSE]
[THEME MUSIC]
RACHEL SCOTT: Overnight, Iran and the US trading fire.
Tehran launching attacks across the region,
targeting US military sites in Bahrain and Kuwait.
Just hours earlier, the US hitting over 80 targets.
President Trump said the ceasefire with Iran
is now over, calling into question the future
of these negotiations, and whether America will fully
be brought back into this war.
What do you mean, brought back into the war?
We're the ones doing the war.
It's like a tornado being like, oh, whoa,
why is it so windy in here?
What's happening?
So yeah, the ceasefire may be over, but lucky for us,
we got a deal maker in chief as our president.
And when he's in charge, it's never over.
To me, I think it's over.
They're scum.
They're sick people.
They're led by sick people.
Vicious, violent people.
They're cuckoo, as far as I'm concerned.
They're a bunch of lying guys.
They're liars.
They're cheats.
They're sick people.
They're scum.
You know what scum is?
[LAUGHTER]
Yeah, it's the thing covering your reflecting pool, right?
[LAUGHTER CHEERING]
But look, Mr. President, take a step back, OK?
You've only been negotiating for three weeks.
What made you so mad at them?
They asked for a timeout.
They wanted to go to the funeral of Khamenei,
and I said, give it to him.
And they started shooting missiles.
I mean, it was a crazy thing.
Yeah, it's so crazy.
It's crazy.
I mean, look, I get what you're saying.
Iran has for a timeout for a funeral,
and then they shot missiles at oil tankers.
You're not supposed to shoot during a timeout.
OK, you got to respect playground rules.
But, Mr. President, is there any possible reason
you think they might want to launch missiles
during their leader's funeral?
I mean, it's a crazy thing.
Now, we did kill him.
Yes.
I guess, you have to look at it that way.
I think we make a breakthrough here, OK,
because that's what I love Trump.
He sees things from other people's
perspectives sometimes.
But whoever started the war, it doesn't matter.
Although, it was you.
The important thing now is getting help.
And again, it's great that he's at the NATO sex summit
because he can use all the allies he can get.
Wait what?
Wait Spain?
Where did that come from?
Did I miss an episode or something?
Because, I don't remember Spain being a character in the show,
but I guess, Trump has some kind of problem with Spain?
Holy shit.
They're cutting trade off?
Wait, are you confusing Spain with Mexico?
You know, well, you know, Spain is white, right?
They're the white people.
I mean, they're tan, but they're still white people.
You can't just cut off trade with Spain.
I mean, how are we going to get our--
our-- what the [BLEEP] do these guys make, again?
Cathedrals croquetas paellas.
Why is Spain causing you so much pain?
Explain.
Spain is a terrible partner in NATO.
They don't participate.
They don't pay, I don't want anything to do with Spain.
Cut off all trade with Spain, please.
Including visits.
Whoa.
Whoa whoa whoa.
OK, now, I'm calling a timeout.
What do you mean, including visits?
Does he mean diplomatic, or am I not
allowed to go to Spain, now?
Because I had a whole Eat, Pray, Love planned.
The eat was in Mallorca.
Can you at least talk to Spain, first?
I don't want to do any more trade with them.
All right?
Take it immediately.
Don't even talk to them.
Don't even talk to them.
You can look at their Stories, but don't like them.
[THEME MUSIC]
If we're cutting the funding that prevents Americans
from getting the disease that turns our guts inside out,
where exactly is our money?
REPORTER 1: An internal Pentagon estimate
puts the cost of the war with Iran
at between $80 and $100 billion.
REPORTER 2: That, marking a significant increase
from the roughly $30 billion estimated
just three months ago.
Ugh.
Oh, I see.
Looks like our military budget also has diarrhea.
Well, America, I'm sorry to say,
but the money it takes to blow up Iran
is the reason we're blowing up our own bathrooms.
It's like how our grandparents grew
their own crops to support the troops during World War II.
Except, our version of this is power washing
the toilet with our butthole.
So--
[LAUGHTER]
--when you hit week three of hell squirts, remember,
you're doing it for Uncle Sam.
[THEME MUSIC]
You might remember back in March
when President Trump quickly launched his quick war in Iran,
and conservative media told you how quick,
it was quickly going to go.
We've already knocked out so much of their capability.
It looks like this is just a wrap-up mission at this point.
I don't see how this thing can continue much longer.
The war may be over right now.
I just left the president.
Today was a great interview.
I said to him, Mr. President, you keep talking about the war
like was.
I said, is it over?
He said, it's over.
Aw, she was so happy there, dressed like a pimp
on Martha's Vineyard.
Kind of like if Katharine Hepburn was in a music
video for Three 6 Mafia.
Anyway, that was five months ago, so by now,
the end must surely be in sight.
Tonight, no end in sight in the war against Iran.
Why?
Do you know something that I don't know?
You don't know anything.
You something that I don't know?
Do you know something I don't know?
My God, this guy's cranky.
Get him to a cabinet meeting so he can take a nap.
But yes, it's a little awkward for Trump's media boosters that
the war is still going on, and it's especially awkward
for Greg Kelly, Newsmax anchor and
guy who's definitely been kicked
out of an airport Chili's.
He's gone all in for Trump, and he really put
his reputation on the line.
I guess, this is not a bold prediction on my part
because the president just said this, but I predict,
also, this time next week, we may be able to declare victory.
I tell you what, I'll tell you
what, though, it's still better than his other prediction.
Diarrhea-free summer.
That did not go well.
But yeah, one weekend Greg predicted that the war
would be over soon.
And did he flinch a week later when the war was still going?
No, he did not.
The war in Iran, which is only 17 days old,
and from what I'm hearing, this thing is going to be over,
probably, before the 28th day.
This is contained.
There you go.
17 days and over before day 28.
Is it over, or is it just beginning?
Maybe a little bit of both.
We are right now, at 30 days.
Gotcha gotcha.
We are now at 30 days, and the war is
over and also, just beginning.
And before you say, wait, those are opposites,
may I remind you that every new beginning
comes from some other beginning's end.
"Closing Time."
But the point is, chill out, guys.
Don't make Greg get sarcastic.
GREG KELLY: Wow, this Iran war has been going on for years?
Months?
No, 52 days.
52 days.
Relax.
And, quite frankly, we're not even shooting anymore.
73 days, and the coverage is relentlessly negative.
Well, by one count, you could say, 81 days.
However, a more accurate count would say 41 days when
you factor in the ceasefire.
81 days, that's nothing.
Especially, if you call it 41 days.
I mean, do you want him to keep going, people?
Because he'll keep going.
GREG KELLY: If you add it all up, four months.
Oh sure.
If you add up the days, it seems like a lot of days.
What?
You don't want to add on the 21 days since the first four
months too?
GREG KELLY: Four months and 21 days.
How is that for a forever war?
Well, it's a start.
So basically, Donald Trump is locked in a forever war,
has no plan to get out, and has hardly
any defenders besides Kirkland Signature Sean Hannity.
[THEME MUSIC]
Donald Trump has assured many times that we've
already won the war.
So, why are gas prices still going up?
REPORTER: As a new wave of strikes
this weekend targets vessels in the Strait of Hormuz,
prompting escalating threats.
God, damn it.
The Strait of Hormuz?
How is this still happening?
We're the United States.
We almost beat the Taliban.
I know we can handle one strait.
REPORTER: A dramatic escalation tonight in the war with Iran.
Iranian-backed Houthis in Yemen threatening a second waterway
critical to global trade.
The Bab al-Mandab Strait, a vital route for Saudi oil.
There's another Strait, now?
This war is like a telenovela.
The Strait of Hormuz has a twin.
[SUSPENSEFUL MUSIC]
I'm starting to think, it's bad that our entire economy
is built on extracting oil from incredibly
narrow waterways in the world's most volatile region.
And I just want to give a shout out to my favorite Strait,
by the way. Gibraltar.
Right?
I mean, drama-free, staying in its lane.
No one has anything bad to ever say
about the Strait of Gibraltar.
Anyways, love you Gib.
So now, we have two Straits that we get our oil from,
and they're both closed.
How did this happen?
A lot of it has to do with the Iranian-supported
Houthi rebels in Yemen.
Here, we can see the Houthis have now spread their control.
Actually, it does include this town right here.
And it also includes a very key island in the Strait
of Bab al-Mandab right here.
They've been running oil out of this pipeline
here, into the Red Sea.
Shut up, shut up, shut up!
Just, shut up!
I don't want to learn any more obscure
Middle Eastern geography.
I shouldn't have to know what Perim Island is.
No offense to the people of this region.
I'm sure, it's a beautiful place with a rich and
fascinating history.
But every time I learn something new about it,
it means my life has gotten worse.
By this time next year, gas is going to be $12 a gallon,
and I'm going to be able to name all the rivers in Oman.
[LAUGHTER]
This brain wasn't built to learn
about international waterways.
It was built to learn the names of all
the characters in the Progressive
Insurance commercials.
Flo, Jamie, Mara, and of course, Alan.
You guys don't know their names?
And more importantly, this all shows
how badly our commander-in-chief
has managed this war.
I mean, look at this shit.
Iran is not even on the map about the war in Iran.
I thought this war was about nukes,
but the nukes, they're like up here.
This war is starting to feel like that moment in Monopoly
when you know you're going to lose,
but it's still going to take like six more
hours of hemorrhaging money.
In the meantime, the only things we can count on
are gas prices going up and the president
lying about them going down.
[THEME MUSIC]
0.5x - Slower
0.75x - Slow
1.0x - Normal
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