[MUSIC
PLAYING
]
The United States and Iran taking a hydration break.
[LAUGHTER]
A welcome cessation of hostilities, the respite
gave President Trump a chance to stop bombing the Strait
of Hormuz and to start bombing at the White
House Correspondents Dinner.
[LAUGHTER]
The other day, a senator I knew got a text, a great guy,
from his wife.
And she said, when you get home,
I want to have you immediately come up the stairs
and make love to me.
And he said, I can't do both.
You know?
In other words, you can't go up the stairs and make love.
Does anybody get that?
[LAUGHTER]
You know, normally, I'd say don't quit your day job,
but in this case.
[LAUGHTER]
[APPLAUSE]
I will make--
I will make an exception.
Yes, Friday night was the White House Correspondents Dinner
part deux, where the media elite
got to hobnob with hobgoblins.
[LAUGHTER]
If you remember, the first attempt
ended prematurely by, let's say, very intense heckling.
The frightening scene prevented the President
from delivering his humorous remarks, prepared remarks,
which was a shame, because if there's
one thing that President Trump is known for,
it's his joyful love of mirth.
We all know that he has a great sense of humor.
He's going to deliver a really good speech.
I mean, he's funny.
He is a hilarious entertainer.
His comedic timing is really good.
If he hadn't become president, he could have
become a stand-up comedian.
This guy is honestly one of the funniest presidents
we've ever had.
I think Trump's the funniest president of all time.
Funny how?
How the [BLEEP] is he funny?
Does he amuse you?
How the [BLEEP]?
What's so [BLEEP] funny?
[LAUGHTER]
No seriously.
I am asking you.
Because when I was watching him do that one joke,
he doesn't seem very funny at all.
Hey, but you know what, man?
Look, I've been in that situation.
We all try new material.
Doesn't go, you move on to the next one.
You cannot judge Trump's whole hour long special
just based on that one joke.
Mr. President, what else you got?
The UFC Freedom 250 fight, I'm
pleased to announce that we're going
to host an even bigger one right in front of the White
House every Friday night.
See, this is great.
Simple premise.
Easy refillable.
We're going to be hosting more fights.
So these are just going to be jokes
about who's on the card, what the fights are going to be.
It's simple-- setup, punchline.
Or--
[LAUGHTER]
It's every Friday night, every Saturday night--
we're going to have fights in front of the White House.
But we do have something coming-- and I'm only kidding.
You know, the one thing--
we are going to have an Indy 500.
Roger Penske is coming.
Germany, Japan, all these countries,
they spend billions and billions of dollars
trying to win the Indy 500.
On July 4, we were over at the mall, and it was raining.
It was supposed to be really bad, again.
And we didn't do it the following day.
And we didn't do it two weeks later.
We did it when we were supposed to do it.
It was a fantastic celebration.
[LAUGHTER]
You set up the premise, and then you
just walk off into the street?
[LAUGHTER]
My boss is so cheap--
AUDIENCE: How cheap is he?
Well, before I get to that, it was raining and--
[LAUGHTER]
The guy went four minutes before introducing the first
joke fight in his own premise.
But I can exclusively reveal to you this evening
that for the heaviest of the heavyweights,
we will have sloppy Chris Christie,
one of the sloppiest human beings you'll ever
meet fighting--
I would say, I could mention the Governor of Chicago,
but I'm going to mention instead Jerry Nadler.
Oh, my god.
You don't tell us you're changing
the target of your roast joke halfway
through the [BLEEP] joke.
We don't know the target.
Just change it.
Don't say, I was going to make fun of the Governor
of Illinois, but Jerry Nadler.
And, by the way, are there two more
relevant targets than Chris Christie and Jerry Nadle?
Ooh, wait till the former Governor of New Jersey
and outgoing congressional District
12 Representative of New York get a load of this.
[LAUGHTER]
Their careers will continue to have been over.
[LAUGHTER]
But, look, I-- you know what?
The walk doesn't matter as much as the destination.
Land this joke.
And they're fighting for a big piece of cheesecake.
Big, fat piece of cheesecake.
Who the hell wrote that line?
[LAUGHTER]
Who the hell wrote that line?
It sounds like you.
It sounds exactly like something you would say.
Look, this is a solid premise.
Let's try this again.
Here's an easy joke to land with this premise.
Oh, and tonight, I'm proud to announce the next upcoming
fight at the White House--
AOC will face off against her greatest
enemy, a simple question about foreign policy.
See, it's simple.
Give that joke-- give that joke a go.
And then you have a Congresswoman,
Alexandria Ocasio-Cortez--
ACO plus three.
That's the three friends, right?
AOC plus three.
And I watched her give that answer
when she was over in Europe.
It was not a good answer.
If I ever gave that answer, I would be out of politics.
You don't have to talk about what you saw.
You cannot have a 19-second wait time.
Just [BLEEP] do the joke.
Simple question.
But we'll then have a rematch against an extreme, simple
question on a foreign policy.
Nobody knows what you're saying now.
It was a big security conference,
and this was her first time up in terms of that.
No.
You don't do jokes like you're reading
them for the first time.
[LAUGHTER]
God.
He's putting 10 pounds of roast jokes into a 5-pound bag.
It doesn't work this way.
There are rules to these things.
Look, let's just-- obviously, the more complex
jokes you're not going to be able to handle.
Let's just stick to simple burns.
Simple burns.
You can't [BLEEP] that up.
Look, here we go.
Here's what I'll do for you.
I'll bring out-- here's what we're going to do.
I'm going to help you along, ready?
[DRUMMING] That's what we're going to do.
[APPLAUSE]
Here's what we're going to do.
We got the rim shot.
We're going to do simple burns.
You can't [BLEEP] these up with your little wandering off
weaves go.
So they thought about going with a professional clown
for entertainment, but Adam "Shifty"
Schiff was not available.
He's known-- I called him--
I hate some people.
I shouldn't say this.
I'm not supposed to hate.
I'm supposed to love everybody.
But he's a terrible person.
He's a liar.
[LAUGHTER]
[SOFT RIM SHOT]
[APPLAUSE]
Traditionally, roasts work because at the heart of it all,
you only roast the ones you love.
Saying you hate someone in the middle of the joke
really takes a lot of the pleasure--
Don Rickles might not have been the sensation he was, might not
have been so beloved if he ended his act with, no,
seriously, [BLEEP] the Japanese.
[LAUGHTER]
I don't like them as people.
Try again.
And I called him watermelon head because he has
the largest head I've ever seen with the smallest neck--
pencil neck.
How does that big, fat, ugly head stand on a little pencil?
Pencil.
Pencil neck.
[LAUGHTER]
OK, there's probably something in there.
But you might not be the perfect messenger
to deliver a roast about someone's big, fat, ugly head.
[LAUGHTER]
It's another rule of roasting.
It's just a different--
very tough to land solid jokes about something
you yourself clearly suffer from.
Although, admittedly, your big, fat, ugly head sits on what
appears to be not a pencil, but a big, fat, ugly neck.
So maybe the joke is a proportion issue.
Hard to point out the pencil neck
when your mug sits on what looks
like a rhinoceros' vagina.
[LAUGHTER]
[APPLAUSE]
[REPEATED RIM SHOTS]
It's a rental.
Honestly, the only funny part of the jokes
was watching the crowd's reactions.
It was a melange of confusion, boredom,
shock, and, at one point, a literal existential crisis.
An existential-- here's the one thing
you never want from your audience at a comedy show.
You never want the audience at your comedy
show to clearly be rethinking the choices
that led them to that night.
[LAUGHTER]
Why did I go to grad school?
The audience was so distraught and perplexed that, at times,
it was difficult to discern whether you were watching
their reactions to Trump bombing
at this dinner or their reactions
to a gunman interrupting the last one.
Which brings us to the hottest game show of the summer season.
[LAUGHTER]
Shooting or Bombing?
Number one, milling about, some smiling, some are filming,
a general sense of eh.
It's a good mix of schmooze, humor, a hint
of concern or confusion.
The correct answer, shooting aftermath.
That was after the shooting aftermath.
Let's go to number two.
Sadness and shock.
What happened?
How could this have happened?
The correct answer--
[LAUGHTER]
Bombing.
[APPLAUSE]
This dude-- that's the face he made
while Trump was telling jokes.
Look at his face.
He's literally like, is anyone going to stop this madman?
People are going to get hurt.
Here's the next one.
Let's see.
OK, is that the shooting or the bombing?
OK.
All right.
Obviously, that was after the shooting.
I knew you would get it pretty easy.
I just wanted to remind everybody
that the night of the shooting, RFK, Jr.
left his wife to fend for herself.
[LAUGHTER]
No.
There was no trick to it, I just
thought that was like, the most [BLEEP]
up thing I'd ever seen in my life.
[LAUGHTER]
Only room for one in the limo.
Here's another quick roast rule--
try not to build a whole routine around a premise
that's no longer operable.
You can't have somebody like a JB Pritzker,
who I understand is not present,
sadly-- but some people say never use the fat word.
And I don't.
I would never call anybody fat.
I have my own problems.
It's not like I'm perfect.
Sir, in the back, don't call him a fat pig, OK?
You can't call JB Pritzker a fat pig, please.
Actually, he's lost a lot of weight.
I saw him recently, he lost quite a bit of weight.
[LAUGHTER]
Then why did you bring it up?
Your mother's so fat--
although now, obviously, she's on the GLP-1s.
And, I mean, she does, if I'm being honest, looks fantastic.
I mean, here's what--
years ago, when she sat around the house,
she really sat-- although I can't say that now, she looks--
I mean, 50.
The point is this, your mother was so fat--
I'm glad she got the help she needed.
Listen--
[LAUGHTER]
The health benefit, god willing,
she lives to see those beautiful grandchildren walk.
I promised myself I wouldn't cry.
The deeper problem for Trump is that last weekend revealed
he has lived so long in a magical world
of his own creation, curated for his comfort
and positive reinforcement.
He's the ultimate snowflake, rewarded
with unearned participation trophy laughs
that he doesn't even know what's actually funny
Because everything he says is funny in his Truman
Show of an administration.
I don't know if I can handle looking 20 pounds heavier.
[LAUGHTER]
Boy, you said the right thing.
[LAUGHTER]
That would have been the end of Kroger.
Good steel as opposed to green paper mache.
[LAUGHTER]
They do treat me well, Sharpie.
[LAUGHTER]
[STUDIO LAUGHTER]
But, of course, the night demonstrated another hard truth
about Donald Trump's administration--
that whenever his warm front of fantasy collides with the cold
front of reality, there's no one to blame but everyone else.
And they're fighting for a big piece of cheesecake.
Big fat piece of cheesecake.
Who the hell wrote that line?
She wasn't high up on her totem pole.
Who the hell wrote that?
That was actually the only thing
I thought was good in this whole freaking stupid speech
that they wrote.
That was the only good one.
And that went down with not exactly great laughter.
You know what they say--
a great carpenter always blames his tools.
[LAUGHTER]
And Donald Trump is surrounded by tools.
[LAUGHTER]
But no matter how his writers--
[APPLAUSE]
[RIM SHOT]
But no matter how his writers let him down,
boy, Trump just kept digging.
Tried to make a simple joke about Kaitlan Collins,
but, unfortunately triggered himself in the process,
turning the entire event into a Festivus grievance miracle.
But I want to personally congratulate
CNN's Kaitlan Collins on receiving her award.
It was all about me.
It's a fake-- she shouldn't get the award.
It was a fake, but I didn't mind.
I said, Kaitlan, congratulations.
But it was fake.
There's no question about it.
But she's a young, attractive woman.
She never smiles.
I said, Kaitlan, do you ever smile?
Smile.
You have a nice position.
You're at CNN fake news.
You should be a happy person.
So smile, Kaitlan.
Just smile.
My favorite thing that is Wolf
Blitzer kept looking over like, you want me to [BLEEP] him up?
I'll go [BLEEP] him up.
You want me to get a piece of him?
I'll go get a piece of him.
I'll go right up there.
I'll slap the shit out of him.
[APPLAUSE]
I'll Will Smith that mother [BLEEP]
You want me to go up there?
Keep Kaitlan Collins' name--
[LAUGHTER]
Look, this was a bad night.
Don't take my word for it.
Even Trump's cadre of media fanboys and girls
had to admit it.
I've seen him be very funny.
And so I think he could have been a lot funnier.
I think it's a missed opportunity.
It really had no positive effect on anybody,
including him.
I think it could have been a lot shorter
and it could have been punchier.
Some of the jokes veered off into very sort
of ornery insults.
And that's not going to land for many audiences.
That guy couldn't polish this turd?
[LAUGHTER]
That guy, who spends his days bending over
backwards to figure out how to tell you that the war in Iran
is good?
Even he's like, I can't put lipstick on this mother [BLEEP]
Look, beyond the fact that Trump was terrible,
the dinner should not have happened at all.
In fact, it shouldn't ever happen.
Quite frankly, memorializing the collegial and cozy
relationship between the press and those that they cover
is, at best, a very bad look in normal times.
I don't need to see the cops and robbers
getting along at a banquet honoring our penal code.
You can celebrate the First Amendment
without asking your opponent in that fight what he thinks.
You already know what he thinks.
We are a nation that no longer
has a free and fair press.
Fake news is all you get.
Fake news, fake reporting is what's
tearing this country apart.
These corrupt press-- they're corrupt.
Crooked, dishonest media.
Just horrible people.
These are horrible people.
They're sick and evil people. Real scum.
Real dishonest people.
They're so bad for the country.
It's almost treasonous.
I have to be honest.
It's almost treasonous.
They are truly the enemy of the people.
Who wants dessert?
[LAUGHTER]
I'll fight you for the last piece of cheesecake.
Look, as much as I enjoy Donald Trump having to squirm
through Wolf Blitzer describing,
in vivid detail, why the Wall Street Journal won a reporting
award, it was the end of that tour de force that
demonstrated the perverse bargain,
the entire night encapsulated.
The Journal's courageous reporting on President
Trump's past relationship with financier Jeffrey Epstein
triggered the release of the so-called Epstein files,
thousands of documents that might otherwise have remained
hidden from the public.
And, despite the President's threat of a lawsuit,
The Journal published a story about a provocative letter
to Epstein bearing President Trump's signature.
I love that he had to sit through that.
Wolf should have just kept going.
I mean, you should have seen the shit they didn't release.
I mean, this guy knows what I'm talking about.
[LAUGHTER]
But it was the next moment that,
for me, solidified that this event is worse than pro forma.
It's actually an act of submission.
WOLF BLITZER: Trump quickly filed a $20 billion
lawsuit against The Journal, revealing reporter Khadeeja
Safdar's home address.
Her family had to be relocated.
[JON SARCASTICALLY LAUGHING]
I'm a little stinker.
She wrote an objectively true story
about my depraved relationship with Jeffrey Epstein,
and I got her life threatened.
Did I do that?
I mean, you'd think you'd all be mad at him.
But they're all in there just schnicking it up.
So he just gets to shake hands with the leaders
of a profession, with the leaders of a profession whose
members he has subpoenaed, arrested, sued, cut
their funding, threatened their licenses, barred their access,
and even had [BLEEP] deported.
And the sad truth is, if Trump had known
he could win an award for that Epstein story,
well, he'd have told them about the Epstein files himself.
[RIM SHOT]
Let's start in my home state of Michigan,
which is Ojibwe for "we're saving up to move to Chicago."
[LAUGHTER]
Yesterday, President Trump visited a GM auto facility,
where he Kim Jong-un'd his way down the display floor,
checked to see if a car was cake,
and, apparently, got tricked into signing a lease.
Dottie, Dottie, don't get that rust proofing, OK?
It's a scam. Trust me.
[LAUGHTER]
By the way, I know we always rag on Trump for being weird,
but knocking on the car hood is probably the most
normal thing he's ever done.
There is not a dad in the world who can walk past a new car
without rapping on the hood to check that build quality.
Like, yeah, yeah, that's a car.
That checks out.
Yeah yeah.
You know what?
At least this tour went a lot better than the last time
Trump visited a car facility in Michigan
back in January, which, if you remember, went like this.
REPORTER: As the President toured a Ford manufacturing
factory, this moment caught on camera and video obtained
by TMZ-- one man shouting at the President,
"pedophile protector."
[AUDIENCE GASPING]
Wow.
Show some respect for the office.
That's President Pedophile Protector.
[LAUGHTER]
[APPLAUSE]
Respect.
Come on, Michigander.
Look, it was an embarrassing event for all involved.
Luckily, this time, Trump made it through his whole tour
without a hitch.
And he was able to move on to his speech.
The trade deficit in automobiles
was more than $300 billion annually.
That means outside countries and companies were coming
in and just robbing us blind.
And it was causing tremendous problems for your jobs.
MAN: Pedophile protector!
But now, all of that is changing because I placed a--
Oh, why does this keep happening?
[LAUGHTER]
Is it the same guy?
Is it something in the water?
Is it because Trump withheld millions of Epstein files
and people are furious that no one has been held
accountable for it? We'll never know.
But come on, Donald, this will not stand.
Hit him with a comeback.
He's a communist.
He's a communist.
Oh OK.
If you're wondering, communist is the opposite of pedophile.
We--
[LAUGHTER]
We all remember watching Karl Marx
hosting To Catch a Predator.
So, I mean, maybe this is the political spectrum now.
Like, I'm just a straight down the middle type of guy--
fiscally communist, socially pedophile.
Well, look, my fellow Michiganders, please
stop shouting crazy shit at Donald Trump.
He was elected to shout crazy shit at us.
Continue.
For years, you watched companies move production
from America down to Mehiho.
[LAUGHTER]
I'm sorry.
Down to where?
Mehiho.
Oh.
He's saying it that way on purpose.
Next question.
Why?
There's a very nice president of Mexico.
You know that.
She's very nice, and she speaks beautifully.
And she calls it Mehiho.
Oh.
[LAUGHTER]
Please meet with China next week.
Please meet with China next week.
Please meet with China next week.
Ooh.
And while Trump is ranting about Mehiho,
just down the road, they're opening
a new international trade route between the US and Canada.
Or, as Donald Trump calls it, Canaha.
It's called the Gordie Howe International Bridge.
It connects Michigan and Ontario
in a symbolic, unifying moment between the two countries.
Today was supposed to be this unifying moment between the two
countries, but, instead, it's sort of dripping with a stain.
And that's because, at the 11th hour, Trump
imposed these 50% tariffs.
They were actually supposed to have a joint ribbon cutting
between the two countries.
Instead, Canada hosted their own without a single US
elected official in sight.
Oh.
It's so heartbreaking to see mom and dad fighting like this.
And to the bridge, it's not your fault. Think
of it this way, little Gordie-- you get
to have two Christmases, OK?
[LAUGHTER]
And even if Trump isn't excited for this bridge,
Michiganders are.
And that's why Michigan's local news offered rudimentary bridge
driving tips.
And I mean very rudimentary.
MSP pushed out an important warning for anyone who
plans to use the new bridge.
First, check this out-- don't stop on the bridge
or exit your vehicle.
[LAUGHTER]
Great tip.
Let me write this one down.
Stay in car while driving.
Great.
Awesome.
Thank you, Andre 1000.
Appreciate it.
Do you have any more advanced tips for bridge driving?
Follow all posted traffic signs and message boards.
Obey posted speed limits.
Drive for the current traffic conditions.
Stay focused on the road and put away any distractions.
Buckle up every time, every trip.
Buckle my seat belt?
That's not even bridge specific.
[LAUGHTER]
This is just a driver's ed class.
I mean, why am I even taking driving tips from a guy
who looks like he only travels by hot air balloon?
[LAUGHTER]
Why are you talking like this is the first bridge
Michigan has ever seen?
Stop treating us like we're stupid.
We're not Ohio.
[AUDIENCE GASPING]
[LAUGHTER]
We're not.
But let's move on, because Trump isn't
just beefing with Canada.
He's also beefing with the entire rest of the world.
He's losing his war with Iran.
He's losing his war with Yemen.
He's somehow losing Ukraine's war with Russia.
And now, it looks like he's even losing his war on drugs.
After bombing dozens of boats and hundreds of deaths,
a DEA assessment reportedly shows Operation Southern Spear,
which started in September, has not
reduced the amount or even the purity of cocaine
flowing into this country by sea.
Hell yeah.
Let's [BLEEP] go.
Woo!
I mean, another policy failure from the Trump administration.
[LAUGHTER]
Yes, somehow the cocaine in America
is not only still plentiful, but, according
to DEA officials and my stockbroker, Cody,
it's that good shit.
[LAUGHTER]
I'm confused, how has the tactic
of blowing up random fishing boats
not stopped all drug traffic?
The Trump administration's strikes on alleged narco
terrorists have only encouraged drug lords
to find new ways to bring narcotics
into the United States.
Yeah yeah yeah.
Of course drug lords found new ways.
These are the same people who found a way to sneak
in a powder using your butt.
They're pretty good at problem solving.
They probably all got in a room and were like, all right, we're
going to crack this drug smuggling nut,
we got to pull an all nighter.
But how are we going to stay up all night?
Any ideas? Anybody?
Anybody?
Cody you? Huh?
Let's start with the Democratic Party.
With the way the country is heading,
they are poised to make big gains in the 2026 midterms,
as long as they stay focused and don't do anything stupid.
New reporting reveals a scammer stole nearly $29,000
from the cash strapped Democratic National Committee
last year after posing as Chairman Ken
Martin in a fraudulent email.
Jesus Christ.
[LAUGHTER]
Your 2026 Democratic Party, everyone.
We will stand up to the rising forces
of authoritarianism and tell them loudly that
our PIN number is 1-0-0-3.
Well, let's move on to someone who probably could still
win an election against the Democratic Party,
Senator Lindsey Graham.
[LAUGHTER]
Yesterday was his funeral.
And, beforehand, his remains were honored
in the Capitol Rotunda.
Personally, I don't understand this tradition, because, I
mean, that's his office.
Like, when I die, I don't want to be brought back to work
and displayed next to the copy machine.
I want to be shot out of a cannon
straight into the Kalamazoo River,
as per Klepper family tradition.
But the big story was President Trump's appearance
at the funeral, where he made sure
that the Tic-Tacs he chewed were the
funeral appropriate mint ones.
I tell you-- now, that is leadership.
This is a nation in mourning.
There will be another time for citrus adventure.
[LAUGHTER]
And then our President and his newly freshened breath
stepped up to the podium and attempted
to say anything nice--
anything nice at all.
No matter how heated things got in Washington,
virtually everyone, Republican or Democrat, liked Lindsey.
Well, not everybody, but it sounds good.
[LAUGHTER]
I can't believe I have to say this to Donald Trump,
but can you just lie to us?
[LAUGHTER]
It's a memorial.
You can paint a rosier picture.
I didn't go to my Uncle Lou's funeral
and tell everyone he was the Zodiac Killer.
I said he was good with numbers, you know?
[LAUGHTER]
Come on, Donnie.
You guys spent so much time together.
Maybe share a heartwarming story about how you two met.
As you remember, Lindsey and I did not exactly
get off to the best of starts.
Back in 2016, Lindsey said something rather nasty.
So, naturally, I did something that I shouldn't have done.
I shared his personal cell phone number
with the millions of people that
happened to be watching that particular day
as I made a speech.
[LAUGHTER]
OK.
Interesting choice.
I might have chosen a moment that highlights
Lindsey's character, but I guess the time he got 10,000
calls from guys named Mike Rotch and Hugh
Jass is also equally good.
But the point is you got off to a bumpy start.
You shared his phone number.
But that's all in the past.
And I remember the number--
202-228-0292, if anybody wants to give it a shot.
[LAUGHTER]
Who wants to give it a shot?
What do you think is going to happen?
Do you think the phone's going to start ringing in the casket?
Lindsey's going to burst out of the coffin
like, I gotta get this.
It could be someone trying to book me on a Sunday show.
Also, why do you still know that number?
I don't even know my wife's number.
I just knnow, like, my number and, like, 1-877-CARS4KIDS.
That's it.
Look, I know Trump is the president.
So, of course, he had to speak.
But I do hope that when he's finished,
we get to hear from someone outside of politics
with a more personal relationship
to the late senator.
Fox News host Sean Hannity is next up to give
remarks, to give a eulogy.
Sean Hannity?
[LAUGHTER]
They couldn't find a personal friend
that Lindsey loved, like a Predator drone or something?
You know?
[LAUGHTER]
I mean, have our politics and media fused so tightly
that a premiere guest at a senator's funeral
is a pundit at a right wing network dedicated to parroting
that specific senator's propaganda
in an escalating spiral of grievance and culture
war stoking?
I mean, please, please, please, please,
please, please, please, please tell me
I am being too cynical--
that maybe this isn't all just about propaganda and ratings,
and the speech will be a beautiful, touching tribute.
Senator Graham was great for ratings.
[LAUGHTER]
It's so true, it's so true, it's so true, so true.
Oh, you know what?
Maybe I have it all wrong.
Maybe the first thing St. Peter checks at the pearly gates
is the TV ratings.
Mother Teresa, you scored a 0.2 with the 18 to 45 demo.
Enjoy hell, bitch.
[LAUGHTER]
You know what?
Hannity didn't just come to praise Graham's lasting effect
on sweeps week.
No, he also wanted to remind people
how, in life, Graham so dearly loved proximity to power.
He would have been so honored, Mr. President,
that you were here, Mr. Vice President, that you were here.
I see the Secretary of State is here.
I see the entire cabinet is here.
Thank you, all of you, each and every one of you.
Chief of Staff is here.
Steve Witkoff is here.
Yes.
My favorite part of the eulogy, the crowd shoutouts section.
[LAUGHTER]
Steve Witkoff is in the hizzy over here.
What's up, player?
I see Marco Rubio over there getting his groove on.
Yeah.
Oh, there's Pete Hegseth over there in the back
at the bar pouring one out.
[LAUGHTER]
Oh, he's drinking it? Oh, OK.
It's 10:00 AM. You do you, boo.
Do it.
I'll tell you what, usually at a funeral,
there's some fond speculation about how the deceased is
in a better place.
Maybe give us some of that, Sean.
Lindsey, Mr. President, I'll argue
in my mind probably has a heavenly version of Mar-a-Lago.
He may have a little more gold than the Oval Office
in his mansion in heaven.
And I wouldn't be surprised if he added
one big, beautiful ballroom and an arch
somewhere on the property.
OK.
OK.
Let me get this straight.
You're saying that when God asked Lindsey Graham,
"where do you want to spend eternity," Lindsey said,
you know that tacky club in Palm Beach that's so ugly,
it became a nickname for botched plastic surgery?
I want you to stuff a ballroom in it, slap an arch in there,
and then pack in an Oval Office so I'm living in a Trump
version of backrooms.
That's my little slice of heaven.
[LAUGHTER]
[APPLAUSE]
I mean, OK, with all due respect--
with all due respect, why the [BLEEP] would anyone want that?
Because he would want to, obviously,
duplicate his dearest friend in life, you, Mr. President.
[LAUGHTER]
Wow.
Wow.
That's really what it has all come down to for Republicans.
Your entire life is so thoroughly and abjectly reduced
to the ass kissing of one man.
And then when you die, other Republicans
use your eulogy to continue the ass kissing
in a perpetual motion machine of chapped lips
and lubricated cheeks.
[LAUGHTER]
And maybe--
[APPLAUSE]
Maybe-- and maybe, you know what, in some ways,
sucking up to Trump is just the best way to honor how
Lindsey Graham lived his life.
But, surely, there must have been some other thing
this man was known for.
He was extremely hawkish, I will tell you.
He never saw a war that he didn't like.
Yes.
That is true.
Perhaps the man loved Donald Trump,
but he also loved bombing people.
Do you guys remember COVID, that thing
that briefly turned humans everywhere
into alcoholic indoor cats?
[LAUGHTER]
Remember that era where we lost friends and family
to the Joe Rogan Experience?
We were trying to flatten the curve or delta the Omicron
or whatever the [BLEEP] we were trying to do.
[LAUGHTER]
Regardless, I know that Republicans remember COVID,
because ever since the pandemic,
they've been calling for the arrest
of Doctor Anthony Fauci, who spearheaded
America's COVID response.
And this week, one of his biggest haters
escalated things.
Senator Rand Paul has released
Anthony Fauci's diary entries.
Ooh.
[LAUGHTER]
Doctor Fauci's diaries are out in the open for anyone
to read.
It's going to have all the juice, the evidence,
and reveal which variant he had a crush on.
[LAUGHTER]
Now, if Rand Paul released Fauci's diaries,
they must reveal something incriminating.
So let's hear what Doctor Anthony Fauci
was trying to keep secret.
REPORTER: Fauci writing, it is not
hyperbole to say that today, I am
the most famous and talked about person in the country,
and one of the most recognizable.
Yeah.
[LAUGHTER]
Yeah, not really a secret.
Everyone knew that.
I mean, I literally saw Fauci more than I saw my parents,
mostly because they couldn't figure out how
to turn on the Zoom camera.
What else you got?
REPORTER: He said, quote, "the press
still hot and heavy about me.
Multiple stories per day, directly
or indirectly involving me."
Yeah.
Again, he was famous.
We know that.
A lot of us had Fauci fever.
I mean, the pandemic made us say crazy things
or wear crazy things, you know?
[LAUGHTER]
Oh, come on.
Come on.
I'm looking for something with substance,
not just embarrassing gossip.
In another diary entry, Tony is
writing about an Instagram post with supermodel Tyra Banks.
And Tony Fauci wrote, quote, "one person said that
Tyra was very sexy, but that I was
even more sexy than she was."
[LAUGHTER]
[APPLAUSE]
Oh, come on.
Are we supposed to be surprised that Fauci wrote about being
called sexier than Tyra Banks?
If someone called me sexier than Tyra Banks,
I'd write that in my diary.
[LAUGHTER]
You know what?
I'd write about being called sexier than Carlton Banks.
I might even write about being compared favorably
to a Bank of America.
I have very low self-esteem.
Honestly, this just sounds like an old man
not realizing how unhinged Instagram comments can be.
Then another commenter used an eggplant and a water splashing
emoji to, from what I understand,
emulate an ejaculating penis.
Needless to say, a great honor.
[LAUGHTER]
Look, Rand Paul, Doctor Paul, DJ Pauly Rand,
we don't care about Fauci's interactions with celebrities.
Give us some entries with answers.
REPORTER: Had great call with Barbra Streisand.
I told her that I work listening to her songs
on Alexa.
She really did not know what Alexa was.
I accidentally butt called her later in the evening.
[LAUGHTER]
You butt dialed the Barbra Streisand?
The funny girl?
The Dolly Levi?
The gentle Mendel?
The Esther Hoffman Howard?
[ELEVATOR MUSIC]
So, basically, these diary entries
didn't reveal any shocking revelations about Fauci's
criminal negligence or intent.
But that didn't stop Republicans
from dragging Fauci into Congress yesterday
and grandstanding on it.
Somewhere along the line, it became all about you.
You became a narcissist, and a megalomaniac, and a liar.
And you've lied to the American people.
And you've lied to this body.
Wow.
Strong start, Senator Josh Hawley.
And, by the way, I love the hair.
[LAUGHTER]
Love it.
[APPLAUSE]
Something about that hair, it just makes
you look super cool, man.
And smart.
No notes.
All you need to do now is bring it home.
Hit him with a closing line that makes
everyone stand up and cheer.
You've done more to harm science
than anybody in my lifetime.
And I hope you'll go home and write that in your diary.
Thank you, Mr. Chairman.
Is this thing on? Is this thing not on?
Let's see, let's see.
Anyone here been to Wuhan? Anybody?
Anybody?
Of course, Republicans weren't just
there for political theater.
They were hoping to get Fauci to say something on the record
that they could use to incriminate him.
Unfortunately for them, Fauci had an answer for everything.
Excuse me-- one answer for everything.
Are you disappointed how you handled COVID?
Do you have any regrets?
On the advice of counsel, I respectfully
decline to answer based upon my rights
under the Fifth Amendment to the Constitution.
On the advice--
On the advice of counsel, I respectfully--
Respectfully. Decline--
Decline--
Decline to answer under the Fifth Amendment.
I respectfully decline to answer.
What color tie are you wearing?
On the advice of counsel, I respectfully decline to answer.
[APPLAUSE]
Oh OK.
All right.
Oh, you won't talk, huh?
Don't worry, boys.
I got a question for him--
Doctor Fauci, what's your favorite Barbra Streisand song?
I respectfully decline to answer.
Damn it.
He's good.
He's very good.
So, Fauci answered every question by invoking
his right to remain silent.
Well, nice try, doc.
But your silence speaks volumes.
I'm no body language expert, but we're going
to have one in a few minutes.
Let me show you this.
You ever see Mr. Burns on The Simpsons?
I still love The Simpsons.
And he did this thing with the hands a lot--
fingertips on fingertips.
What do you make of that?
It says something.
It has to say something, right?
Otherwise, this whole segment would be stupid.
I'd look like the biggest dipshit on TV.
And while I have a body language
expert here, the President going like this--
that's normal, right?
Right?
Got it.
It is.
It has to be. This is weird.
[APPLAUSE] Normal.
Weird. Normal.
I'm getting confused here.
I'm getting confused.
What is it that Doctor Fauci did
that is so heinous that you are still trying to get
him six years afterwards?
Well, he did fund gain of function research
at a sloppy lab where a virus escaped and left
a million Americans dead.
Complicit in the deaths of millions of people.
The guy killed or had something to do with killing
nine million people.
OK. Wow.
That's right.
He engineered the virus that killed millions
and millions of people because it was so deadly,
a threat to everyone.
The COVID virus was simply not a threat to most people.
My spidey senses about him, about the entire scamdemic,
were accurate.
A lot of us that COVID was a flu.
To tell kids they couldn't go to school
for years for no reason.
MAN: Doctor Fauci lied about his own personal views.
Shutting down the country for a virus he knew
wasn't that deadly.
Oh yeah. Yeah yeah.
See?
It's deadly.
And it didn't matter.
And millions died.
But it was fine.
And, god, my head [BLEEP] hurts, OK?
My ears are bleeding.
And are those symptoms of the deadly virus
that doesn't matter?
I just don't understand.
Can someone try again to tell us, what
was in these diary entries?
If you read the stories in the so-called mainstream press
about the Fauci diaries, you will see an exact
parallel to the Biden--
I'm sorry.
I'm sorry.
[LAUGHTER]
I'm sorry.
I can't hear you over the pipe.
[LAUGHTER]
What's going on here?
Are you guys-- are you guys trying
to solve COVID or a murder on the Orient Express?
[LAUGHTER]
But enough about Doctor Fauci.
Shall we retire to the hot tub, my dear boy?
Chop chop.
Listen, guys, can we dial this back a bit?
I'm not saying Anthony Fauci made no mistakes,
but it's not like the man is Hitler.
Fauci is foresees guilty of mass murder and crimes
against humanity on a scale of a Hitler and a Josef Mengele.
OK.
I stand corrected.
Fun fact, Hitler also committed all his crimes
to meet Barbra Streisand.
Fun fact.
[LAUGHTER]
By the way, if you think America's response to COVID
was really that horrible, is there someone other than Fauci
you might put some blame on?
Maybe somebody Fauci worked for,
could even be somebody you may have met 1, or 2, or 3, 4,
5 times?
Maybe a little turn around the room might jog your memory.
No?
Donald [BLEEP] Trump.
[APPLAUSE]
He-- he-- he was the guy who was
president during the pandemic.
And he also thought Fauci was sexier than Tyra Banks.
He's a good man.
I like Doctor Fauci a lot.
He's been doing a very good job.
We're very happy with Doctor Fauci.
I have a lot of respect for Doctor Fauci.
I have to pay tribute.
We have, whether it's Doctor Fauci,
we have the best people on Earth.
Normally, when Trump praises something like that
that highly, he just had his broker buy a ton of stock
in it.
And, look, this is not to say Donald Trump is
the one big villain of COVID.
There is no one big villain of COVID.
Well, except maybe COVID.
He was a bad dude.
It was an unprecedented pandemic
that we spent years stumbling through, trying
to find some patchwork of solutions that would
protect our health while keeping our society
from total collapse.
Did our leaders make mistakes?
Of course they did.
Should we try to find out what we did wrong?
Of course.
But that was not what was happening
with Republicans this week.
They were doing the only thing we do anymore--
shove a complex issue through a performative partisan filter.
But it's not going to do anything for us
to throw Anthony Fauci in prison.
It's not even going to do that much to Anthony Fauci.
I mean, threatening an 85-year-old
with life in prison, that's--
[LAUGHTER]
--kind of like putting a kid in timeout 10
minutes before school is over.
In fact, coding public health as a partisan issue
is incredibly dangerous, because we've already
seen what happens when a party comes
in thinking that public health is the other party's issue.
REPORTER: The Trump administration
has started carrying out mass layoffs at the Department
of Health and Human Services.
REPORTER: The cuts will impact roughly
3,500 workers at the FDA, 2,400 at the CDC,
and 1,200 at the NIH.
REPORTER: Canceling almost $500 million in funding
for 22 projects focused on developing mRNA vaccines.
REPORTER: An office established to prepare
the nation for future pandemics is reportedly
down to just one staffer.
A source says it's not clear who that person reports to.
There's one guy left.
[LAUGHTER]
This is why we are losing a diarrhea war to lettuce.
[APPLAUSE]
It's the flimsiest vegetable.
It's the flimsiest vegetable.
So here's the point, America-- how about instead of looking
for partisan scapegoats for the last pandemic, how about
we, for once, work together to find out how we can focus
on preventing the next one?
I think that-- that--
[APPLAUSE]
That whole thing is a plan even Doctor Fauci could agree with.
What do you say, doc?
I respectfully decline to answer.
Gotcha.
Saving it for the diary.
I get it.
[MUSIC PLAYING]
0.5x - Slower
0.75x - Slow
1.0x - Normal
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