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Welcome,
Welcome
welcome one and all in here, out there.
welcome
one
and
all
in
here
out
there
Welcome to the Late Show, friends. I'm
Welcome
to
the
Late
Show
friends
I'm
your host, Steven Colbear. And I want to
your
host
Steven
Colbear
And
I
want
to
start my way. I'm looking out here. I I
start
my
way
I'm
looking
out
here
I
I
see I see a sea of green. So, let's
see
I
see
a
sea
of
green
So
let's
start off with a happy St. Patrick's
start
off
with
a
happy
St
Patrick's
Day. Everybody
Day
Everybody
remember if the road rises to meet you,
remember
if
the
road
rises
to
meet
you
you fell down. It's not supposed to do
you
fell
down
It's
not
supposed
to
do
that.
that
You know what? Let's celebrate the
You
know
what
Let's
celebrate
the
Emerald Isle with some music Irish
Emerald
Isle
with
some
music
Irish
people love.
people
love
Oh. Oh. Irish people can't love Mambbo.
Oh
Oh
Irish
people
can't
love
Mambbo
You're a racist.
You're
a
racist
Trump celebrated St. Patrick's Day uh
Trump
celebrated
St
Patrick's
Day
uh
with the annual Friends of Ireland
with
the
annual
Friends
of
Ireland
lunchon. And when he talked about his
lunchon
And
when
he
talked
about
his
golf course in Ireland, his son Eric uh
golf
course
in
Ireland
his
son
Eric
uh
caught a stray.
caught
a
stray
>> I love Ireland. In fact, we're going to
>>
I
love
Ireland
In
fact
we're
going
to
have the Irish Open at a property that
have
the
Irish
Open
at
a
property
that
happens to be owned by yours truly. But
happens
to
be
owned
by
yours
truly
But
I have nothing to do with it.
I
have
nothing
to
do
with
it
I own it, but I have not I don't even
I
own
it
but
I
have
not
I
don't
even
like to talk to my son.
like
to
talk
to
my
son
Hello Dad.
Hello
Dad
Dad.
Dad
Dad, it's Eric again. I just want to let
Dad
it's
Eric
again
I
just
want
to
let
you know the golf course is going great,
you
know
the
golf
course
is
going
great
but I did get caught in a sand trap. And
but
I
did
get
caught
in
a
sand
trap
And
the more I move, the more I sink. Please
the
more
I
move
the
more
I
sink
Please
call me back
call
me
back
again. This is Eric. E R
again
This
is
Eric
E
R
I
I
Then
Then
primarily an actor. I'm really an I'm
primarily
an
actor
I'm
really
an
I'm
really an actor. Then Trump talked about
really
an
actor
Then
Trump
talked
about
uh Kansas's Fort Riley. And this fort in
uh
Kansas's
Fort
Riley
And
this
fort
in
Kansas is named after 1812 Irish
Kansas
is
named
after
1812
Irish
American war hero. But he got weird
American
war
hero
But
he
got
weird
about it. When Americans ventured west
about
it
When
Americans
ventured
west
on the Oregon Trail, they were guarded
on
the
Oregon
Trail
they
were
guarded
by troops stationed at Fort Riley, named
by
troops
stationed
at
Fort
Riley
named
for the Irish American warrior who
for
the
Irish
American
warrior
who
President Grant called the finest
President
Grant
called
the
finest
specimen of physical manhood I've ever
specimen
of
physical
manhood
I've
ever
looked upon. We didn't know that about
looked
upon
We
didn't
know
that
about
President Grant. I think we just learned
President
Grant
I
think
we
just
learned
something.
something
Is is he implying Grant was attracted to
Is
is
he
implying
Grant
was
attracted
to
men? I I find that hard to believe. If
men
I
I
find
that
hard
to
believe
If
you've ever seen a painting of Bennett
you've
ever
seen
a
painting
of
Bennett
Riley,
Riley
it's it's far more likely he was
it's
it's
far
more
likely
he
was
attracted to sheep.
attracted
to
sheep
In honor of the holiday, Trump also had
In
honor
of
the
holiday
Trump
also
had
a sitdown with Ireland's leader Mikall
a
sitdown
with
Ireland's
leader
Mikall
Martin, whose official title is Tishak.
Martin
whose
official
title
is
Tishak
Trump welcomed his Irish guest to the
Trump
welcomed
his
Irish
guest
to
the
Oval, which for the occasion he
Oval
which
for
the
occasion
he
redecorated as a pot of gold.
redecorated
as
a
pot
of
gold
It didn't take long for the subject to
It
didn't
take
long
for
the
subject
to
turn to the war in Iran, which a
turn
to
the
war
in
Iran
which
a
different Irish politician recently
different
Irish
politician
recently
denounced.
denounced
>> The Irish president has said that your
>>
The
Irish
president
has
said
that
your
war against Iran is illegal. It's an
war
against
Iran
is
illegal
It's
an
attack on international law.
attack
on
international
law
>> Who said that?
>>
Who
said
that
>> The Irish president.
>>
The
Irish
president
Look,
Look
uh, he's lucky I exist. That's all I can
uh
he's
lucky
I
exist
That's
all
I
can
say.
say
>> Okay, first off, the president of
>>
Okay
first
off
the
president
of
Ireland is a woman. Second,
Ireland
is
a
woman
Second
calling an Irish person lucky is just
calling
an
Irish
person
lucky
is
just
another racist stereotype. Okay, it's
another
racist
stereotype
Okay
it's
like saying I am Irish American. Okay,
like
saying
I
am
Irish
American
Okay
my family's Irish. It's like saying
my
family's
Irish
It's
like
saying
we're all pale. We all drink whiskey and
we're
all
pale
We
all
drink
whiskey
and
have 10 siblings and make our children
have
10
siblings
and
make
our
children
listen to sad poetry. Oh god, that's me.
listen
to
sad
poetry
Oh
god
that's
me
Ireland's president isn't the only one
Ireland's
president
isn't
the
only
one
concerned about this war in Iran.
concerned
about
this
war
in
Iran
Yesterday, Trump put out an ask for
Yesterday
Trump
put
out
an
ask
for
America's NATO allies to help unblock
America's
NATO
allies
to
help
unblock
the straight of Hormuz, but they've
the
straight
of
Hormuz
but
they've
rejected his call for help. Which brings
rejected
his
call
for
help
Which
brings
us to tonight's installment of Hormuz
us
to
tonight's
installment
of
Hormuz
News. You can use
News
You
can
use
allies neither amused nor seduced.
allies
neither
amused
nor
seduced
Are we going to lose?
Are
we
going
to
lose
The situation in the strait is changing
The
situation
in
the
strait
is
changing
every day and reportedly some ships are
every
day
and
reportedly
some
ships
are
sneaking through the straight of Hormuz.
sneaking
through
the
straight
of
Hormuz
In fact, drone footage shows some oil
In
fact
drone
footage
shows
some
oil
tankers using a sophisticated cloaking
tankers
using
a
sophisticated
cloaking
device.
device
It it seems like apparently Iran is
It
it
seems
like
apparently
Iran
is
letting uh through some ships from
letting
uh
through
some
ships
from
countries that aren't involved in the
countries
that
aren't
involved
in
the
conflict like one crude oil tank are
conflict
like
one
crude
oil
tank
are
sailing under the Pakistan flag which we
sailing
under
the
Pakistan
flag
which
we
know thanks to ship tracking app Marine
know
thanks
to
ship
tracking
app
Marine
Traffic. Excuse me one moment won't you
Traffic
Excuse
me
one
moment
won't
you
keep it together Colbert, your favorite
keep
it
together
Colbert
your
favorite
app is in the news. It's a rare
app
is
in
the
news
It's
a
rare
convergence of your dearest hobby and
convergence
of
your
dearest
hobby
and
the stuff you get paid to talk about on
the
stuff
you
get
paid
to
talk
about
on
TV.
TV
Stay cool. Be normal.
Stay
cool
Be
normal
I love Marine Traffic. Okay. It's the
I
love
Marine
Traffic
Okay
It's
the
best app of all time. It shows you every
best
app
of
all
time
It
shows
you
every
boat in the world that has a registered
boat
in
the
world
that
has
a
registered
AIS transponder and provides its
AIS
transponder
and
provides
its
navigational status, speed, and reported
navigational
status
speed
and
reported
ETA. And that's for all types of
ETA
And
that's
for
all
types
of
seafaring and rivergoing vessels. We're
seafaring
and
rivergoing
vessels
We're
talking cruise ships, sailboats,
talking
cruise
ships
sailboats
tankers, cargo ships, and if you're
tankers
cargo
ships
and
if
you're
feeling frisky, tugs and escort tugs,
feeling
frisky
tugs
and
escort
tugs
marine traffic, I got it right here.
marine
traffic
I
got
it
right
here
Marine traffic is so amazing. My staff
Marine
traffic
is
so
amazing
My
staff
tells me it's the ultimate conversation
tells
me
it's
the
ultimate
conversation
stopper, which is great cuz once
stopper
which
is
great
cuz
once
everybody else shuts their yaps, I can
everybody
else
shuts
their
yaps
I
can
finally focus on the boats. Oh. Oh. Oh,
finally
focus
on
the
boats
Oh
Oh
Oh
wait a second. Hello.
wait
a
second
Hello
Where are you going? Liqufied natural
Where
are
you
going
Liqufied
natural
gas tanker gas log winser.
gas
tanker
gas
log
winser
I hate to see you go, but I love knowing
I
hate
to
see
you
go
but
I
love
knowing
where you're going. At exactly 9.8
where
you're
going
At
exactly
98
knots.
knots
That's marine traffic. You know their
That's
marine
traffic
You
know
their
slogan. Shh. Dad's watching his boats.
slogan
Shh
Dad's
watching
his
boats
Anyway, there you go. Thanks for taking
Anyway
there
you
go
Thanks
for
taking
that
that
premium. Spring for the premium. Spring
premium
Spring
for
the
premium
Spring
for premium.
for
premium
Anyway, what were we talking about?
Anyway
what
were
we
talking
about
war
war
>> boo.
>>
boo
>> With oil shipments blocked, gas prices
>>
With
oil
shipments
blocked
gas
prices
up, and our allies sitting this one out,
up
and
our
allies
sitting
this
one
out
everybody's asking, "How much longer are
everybody's
asking
How
much
longer
are
we going to do this?"
we
going
to
do
this
>> If Iran, as you said, totally
>>
If
Iran
as
you
said
totally
obliterated, got the missiles, got the
obliterated
got
the
missiles
got
the
first two rounds of leadership, uh, air
first
two
rounds
of
leadership
uh
air
force gone, navy gone. Can we wrap this
force
gone
navy
gone
Can
we
wrap
this
war up this week?
war
up
this
week
>> Yeah, sure.
>>
Yeah
sure
>> Will we?
>>
Will
we
>> I don't think so, but it'll be soon.
>>
I
don't
think
so
but
it'll
be
soon
Hey, President Sleepy Time Bear, wake
Hey
President
Sleepy
Time
Bear
wake
up. All right,
up
All
right
get some toothpicks.
get
some
toothpicks
Try to stay awake for your own bombing
Try
to
stay
awake
for
your
own
bombing
campaign. Somebody cut this guy a rail
campaign
Somebody
cut
this
guy
a
rail
of tic tacs or else we're going to have
of
tic
tacs
or
else
we're
going
to
have
to rename our segment Hormuz News. You
to
rename
our
segment
Hormuz
News
You
can use Commander in Snooze.
can
use
Commander
in
Snooze
I'll say this.
I'll
say
this
I don't I don't care who hears it. I
I
don't
I
don't
care
who
hears
it
I
don't care who hears this.
don't
care
who
hears
this
I'll say this. Trump is not
I'll
say
this
Trump
is
not
underestimating his Iranian adversaries.
underestimating
his
Iranian
adversaries
>> It's a big chess game at a very high
>>
It's
a
big
chess
game
at
a
very
high
level. It's a very high level chess. The
level
It's
a
very
high
level
chess
The
highest. And I'm dealing with very smart
highest
And
I'm
dealing
with
very
smart
players.
players
>> I love chess. I love chess. You know,
>>
I
love
chess
I
love
chess
You
know
I'm a grand master. I know that some
I'm
a
grand
master
I
know
that
some
pieces are vanilla and some pieces are
pieces
are
vanilla
and
some
pieces
are
chocolate. And the winner is whoever
chocolate
And
the
winner
is
whoever
swallows the king first.
swallows
the
king
first
It's a choking hazard. Yesterday in the
It's
a
choking
hazard
Yesterday
in
the
Oval Office, in the midst of the Iran
Oval
Office
in
the
midst
of
the
Iran
quag excursion, Trump tried to turn the
quag
excursion
Trump
tried
to
turn
the
world's attention to yet another
world's
attention
to
yet
another
country, saying he plans to take Cuba.
country
saying
he
plans
to
take
Cuba
Trump is confident.
Trump
is
confident
No, folks, Trump is confident the island
No
folks
Trump
is
confident
the
island
is ready to fall because the US has
is
ready
to
fall
because
the
US
has
blockaded Cuba from all energy
blockaded
Cuba
from
all
energy
shipments. Now, to lift it, Trump is
shipments
Now
to
lift
it
Trump
is
demanding that Cuban President Miguel
demanding
that
Cuban
President
Miguel
Diaz Canel must step down. It's part of
Diaz
Canel
must
step
down
It's
part
of
a global strategy to force regime
a
global
strategy
to
force
regime
compliance rather than regime change.
compliance
rather
than
regime
change
It's a proven strategy that's already
It's
a
proven
strategy
that's
already
worked other places like Venezuela and
worked
other
places
like
Venezuela
and
CBS. So
CBS
So
if their president
if
their
president
So
So
if their president resigns, who's going
if
their
president
resigns
who's
going
to run the joint? I'll give you two
to
run
the
joint
I'll
give
you
two
guesses. And both are Marco Rubio
guesses
And
both
are
Marco
Rubio
running a whole country.
running
a
whole
country
Oh, they're going Rubio.
Oh
they're
going
Rubio
Got to say, Marco, uh, you have some big
Got
to
say
Marco
uh
you
have
some
big
shoes to fill. Now, Trump is We got
shoes
to
fill
Now
Trump
is
We
got
that. That'll work.
that
That'll
work
Trump is also making a mess closer to
Trump
is
also
making
a
mess
closer
to
home because we just found out that a
home
because
we
just
found
out
that
a
Trump appointee is proposing to rip out
Trump
appointee
is
proposing
to
rip
out
the White House's 200-year-old columns
the
White
House's
200-year-old
columns
for the flashier style found at Mara
for
the
flashier
style
found
at
Mara
Lago.
Lago
Uh, the appointee in question is chair
Uh
the
appointee
in
question
is
chair
of the commission of fine arts and Willy
of
the
commission
of
fine
arts
and
Willy
Wonka's orthodontist,
Wonka's
orthodontist
Rodney Mims Cook Jr.
Rodney
Mims
Cook
Jr
Currently, the White House's main
Currently
the
White
House's
main
entrance is framed by a row of graceful
entrance
is
framed
by
a
row
of
graceful
ionic columns. And we all know what
ionic
columns
And
we
all
know
what
ionic columns are thanks to that Alanis
ionic
columns
are
thanks
to
that
Alanis
Morsette song. It's a flipper
Morsette
song
It's
a
flipper
base which is home
base
which
is
home
as a sty
as
a
sty
of a top
of
a
top
which is a scroll shape
which
is
a
scroll
shape
of 24
of
24
cook. She's good. Still holds up. It
cook
She's
good
Still
holds
up
It
still holds up. That's all.
still
holds
up
That's
all
>> Uh Cook wants those 200-year-old eyes
>>
Uh
Cook
wants
those
200-year-old
eyes
replaced with the more ornate Corinthian
replaced
with
the
more
ornate
Corinthian
style columns. Yes. He wants a fancier,
style
columns
Yes
He
wants
a
fancier
more elaborate, more ornate columns with
more
elaborate
more
ornate
columns
with
a canthus leaves on top. He's going by
a
canthus
leaves
on
top
He's
going
by
Trump's design motto. If it ain't
Trump's
design
motto
If
it
ain't
Baroque, fix it. Ro cuckoo or roco.
Baroque
fix
it
Ro
cuckoo
or
roco
cancelled more.
cancelled
more
Hey,
Hey
spring break is coming up and this
spring
break
is
coming
up
and
this
year's most popular destination is
year's
most
popular
destination
is
wherever you already are because
wherever
you
already
are
because
everywhere in America, flyers are facing
everywhere
in
America
flyers
are
facing
massive delays in airport security
massive
delays
in
airport
security
lines. It's so bad the screen at
lines
It's
so
bad
the
screen
at
check-in just says, "Bring a pillow to
check-in
just
says
Bring
a
pillow
to
Chili's 2. You live there." Now,
Chili's
2
You
live
there
Now
here's why. Here's why. For the for the
here's
why
Here's
why
For
the
for
the
last month, Democrats have been blocking
last
month
Democrats
have
been
blocking
a Homeland Security appropriations bill
a
Homeland
Security
appropriations
bill
because it includes funding for ICE and
because
it
includes
funding
for
ICE
and
Border Protection. And as a result,
Border
Protection
And
as
a
result
about 50,000 TSA officers have been
about
50000
TSA
officers
have
been
working without pay, and more than 300
working
without
pay
and
more
than
300
have quit. Well, of course they have.
have
quit
Well
of
course
they
have
These people need to get paid. No one's
These
people
need
to
get
paid
No
one's
doing TSA patowns for the love of the
doing
TSA
patowns
for
the
love
of
the
group,
group
except for Carl.
except
for
Carl
We got a great show for you tonight.
We
got
a
great
show
for
you
tonight
My guests are Elijah Wood and David Alan
My
guests
are
Elijah
Wood
and
David
Alan
Greer when we come back. Meanwhile, join
Greer
when
we
come
back
Meanwhile
join
Yeah.
Yeah
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