[THEME
MUSIC
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World Cup ended yesterday, finito,
with Spain defeating Argentina 1-0 on the pitch in the footie.
The Spain-Argentina final was like a reverse Super Bowl,
where the players spoke Spanish and the halftime show
was in English.
They had Madonna and Justin Bieber and for some reason,
the Muppets.
Holy shit.
Is that the count?
You got all the Muppets to choose from.
Why in God's name would you make the vampire work
during the day?
Not only is it the bright glare of the afternoon sun,
but for most of the game, the score was 0-0.
You're taunting this poor bastard.
I sat in traffic for 1, 2, 3 hours for this.
I'm burning alive.
By the way, congrats to World Cup
champions, Spain, España, clearly the best team
in this year's tournament.
And they celebrated receiving the World Cup trophy
with a trophy hoist, which is traditionally--
it's a moment that is shared really
only by the players, a special moment
that is only for the players.
It was really-- what the [BLEEP]
are you doing on the stage?
It's for the players.
Goddamn!
Why must everything be tainted by the overinflated ego
of Cankles Muldoon?
Why?
Why?
I will admit this.
Afterwards, Trump had some really
insightful post-game analysis.
I thought it was incredible.
It was four times greater than any FIFA ever held.
What's a FIFA?
How do you hold a FIFA?
How could our FIFA be four times
greater than any other FIFA?
And it's probably about five times,
actually, they're telling me today.
Is that what they told you?
You know, they're telling you that because everyone
around you lies to you, because you were a weirdo baby.
Can we go back a second, though?
And I don't mean to--
what's up with the guy behind Trump?
Can we see that again?
Can you bring that out?
Who the-- who the [BLEEP] is this guy?
Who the [BLEEP] is this-- is this-- what--
who in the world is this-- oh my God!
Is that a backup Trump?
Is that-- wait a minute.
Wait.
Hold on a second.
Wait what?
Wait who?
What?
Is that a backup Trump, or is that Trump?
Wait, is the one we've been dealing with backup Trump?
Or is that Trump's--
Let's move on from the World Cup Final
to something with no actual end in sight, the Iran war.
The Iran war is reigniting.
And as escalation continues with more intense and
widespread bombing, there's no sign that either side
is prepared in any way to--
God-- this is-- you're not in this graphic!
You're not in this graphic.
What-- we have talked about this.
You're not in this--
get him out of the graphic.
You're--
[CHEERING]
So needy.
Is that real Trump or backup Trump?
I don't know what's happening.
Anyway, clearly, the war is escalating,
and Americans are rightly concerned
that we will be drawn even further
into a war that has already cost too much
in American lives and money.
And so it was that Donald Trump delivered
a prime time speech on Thursday night to address
this urgent situation.
In mid-2018, China was working to influence
the results of the US midterm elections
and later the results of the 2020
presidential election itself.
They wanted to just make you sound
like your president wasn't so hot,
when actually your president has done a great job.
Those Chinese bastards.
I'll have you know, both Presidents Trump
are hot as [BLEEP] and doing a great job.
Blue tie is doing a little better than red tie.
But still-- but yes, apparently, the president
of the United States called this meeting
to announce a new entry in his long-running mystery series,
2020 Election, What Had Happened Was.
With the turn of a dial or the change of a chip,
you can press a button for Trump,
and the vote goes to Biden.
Illegal aliens and dead people are voting.
Big technology companies censored
the Hunter Biden laptop story, which
independent analysis have said cost Donald Trump
millions of votes.
Sure.
That surely would have changed the outcome.
I remember back in 2020, when we were all wearing masks and
socially distancing for fear we would
come across a Hunter Biden dick pic.
So now they've settled on maybe China did it,
a theory that lasted all the way until a few minutes
after Thursday night's speech, when reporters caught up
with John Solomon, the guy Trump
hired to find any evidence that China did it.
Do you acknowledge that there were no votes changed in 2020?
All I can acknowledge is what the intelligence shows.
I only know the intelligence community has
zero evidence that someone--
that a foreign power flipped a vote in 2020, 2022, or 2024.
2020 election was in fact the results, as we--
the American public--
I'm still researching.
So let me-- this is the first--
-
But there's no intelligence. -
Not yet.
He's got to go.
He's got to go.
There's is no intelligence.
Can-- can he still see me?
The man's literally backpedaling.
Look, we have fun, but I'm not actually worried
about our election security, because we
have a robust cybersecurity and infrastructure
agency that monitors threats to our system.
And knowing that that's a priority
of the Trump administration gives me great comfort.
Trump fired a third of the workers
last year at CISA, the Cybersecurity
and Infrastructure Agency.
Oh!
Well, that news would have me shitting my pants
if I wasn't already shitting my pants
due to the cuts to our food monitoring
system that has produced--
[CHEERING]
A nationwide diarrhea outbreak.
But at least we have that outbreak under control,
as our incredibly competent FDA has finally identified
the source of the outbreak.
The Food and Drug Administration
now taking back what it said about the source
of the cyclospora outbreak.
The FDA now says the sample from Mexico-based Taylor Farms
was a false positive.
The FDA admitted it made a mistake and apologized.
Don't apologize to me.
Apologize to this great nation's gaping, burning anus.
You know what I'm talking about.
We were talking about it in the questions before the show.
Many of these people are here even
though clearly have diarrhea.
But you know what? It doesn't even matter.
It's fine.
We're OK.
We can still soothe our burning anuses
in the cool, crystal-clear waters
of our nation's Lincoln Memorial Reflecting Pool.
Tonight, the reflecting pool in the nation's
Capitol being drained again.
No!
The reflecting pool is closed.
Where will we wash our lettuce?
You know, I'm starting to get the sense
that this administration is not as competent--
stay with me, not as competent as we've been led to believe.
And it's not just the pool or the diarrhea.
Trump said he was going to cut our energy bills in half.
Electricity is up 18%.
He said gas prices would go below $2 a gallon.
It's up to $4 a gallon.
He said he was going to stop new wars.
He's bombed at least seven other countries.
He said he was going to lead a boom in manufacturing jobs.
We've lost tens of thousands of manufacturing jobs.
They said they would be saying Merry Christmas again.
No one has wished me Merry Christmas in months.
This country was going to enter a golden age,
because only qualified people would be in charge now.
They promised no more the woke bullshit that had held
this country down for so long.
We will terminate every diversity,
equity, and inclusion program.
DEI is a cancer.
It's a cancer that destroys merit.
We want the most competent people.
They have to be at the highest level of genius.
A meritocracy.
Isn't that a beautiful word, meritocracy?
Meritocracy, it is a beautiful word.
Where the [BLEEP] is it?
Where is this meritocracy?
We have seen no evidence of it.
None!
It's just another word, like diaphanous or Jimothy.
May I just say something quickly about Jimothy?
Hear me out.
Hear me out.
I [BLEEP] with jimothy.
I [BLEEP] with Jimothy.
I [BLEEP] with him heavy.
Now I know some of you were perhaps
worried about what I might say because
of my previous Punch kerfuffle.
Let me tell you people something.
Jimothy is everything Punch wishes he could be.
Yes yes.
Look, look, look at Jimothy.
Look at him cavorting.
That's his family cavorting with Jimothy
when he was a baby. Look at them all.
They love Jimothy.
That's not my judgment.
That is the judgment of the community.
They have decided.
Not an easy decision, by the way.
I'm sure at first they were like,
is that a raccoon or an ottoman?
I don't know what's happening.
But I'll tell you what I think Jimothy is.
A short king.
Point is, Jimothy has merit, unlike all
those that were running the government before Trump.
And Trump's merry band of gifted and talented technocrats
stepped in to save the day.
First stop for them to save the day was the economy.
No longer would our nation's growth engine be hijacked
by lesbians and Latinxes.
No!
The best and the brightest would be in charge from here
on out, and the results to the economy would be immediate.
I think we're off to a great start.
And President Trump is going to bring back the golden age.
Yes!
But unfortunately, DEI had a greater stranglehold
on the levers of our government than we had originally thought.
The first quarter, surely, Biden--
oh, all right.
Well, the first quarter then.
Q2 that ends in April.
So April is when our best and brightest finally--
It's coming, and it's coming now.
And I tell you what, it feels great.
Enough about your Epstein testimony.
What about the economy?
In the not-too-distant future, I think we will be back
to firing on all cylinders.
So May?
Over the next three months--
So the economy will be fixed by our meritocracy three
months, by August of 2025?
I think we're going to really pick up in the fourth quarter.
So no later than December of 2025?
I think we are at the cusp of the liftoff in 2026, 2027.
That is a long liftoff.
Generally, a liftoff is 10, 9, 8,
not January, February, March.
Well, you know what?
If this ever competent administration
can't turn this woke-laden economy around,
they still have options.
Well, maybe the children will have two dolls
instead of 30 dolls, you know?
And maybe the two dolls will cost a couple of bucks
more than they would normally.
See, that's what the competence has gotten us.
That's what the meritocracy has done for us.
The economy is going to boom in a month, in a year,
in two years.
You know what?
How many [BLEEP] dollars do you people need?
Just get two and cut them into pieces.
Now, you got 16.
Older kids get the tops.
Younger ones get the bottoms.
Punch gets whatever's left over.
This--
[APPLAUSE]
This meritocracy talk was a sham from the get go.
Remember, once uber-capable Elon Musk DOGEd
out the unworthy, woke deep state minorities,
we were supposed to have been cooking with whatever
is available to use as fuel.
DOGE firing thousands of IRS workers, creating chaos.
REPORTER: Hundreds of layoffs at the Centers
for Disease Control, the FAA, and FEMA.
REPORTER: 3,500 jobs from the FDA.
REPORTER: Hundreds of senior staff at the Department
of Homeland Security.
REPORTER: Making cuts to the National Weather Service,
as severe weather moves into the South.
REPORTER: Laid off nearly all federal workers
who investigate firefighter deaths.
REPORTER: Accidentally fired some veterinarians and
animal health technicians working to prevent
the spread of bird flu.
You fired the people trying to prevent bird flu?
Who's going to teach birds how to sneeze into their elbow?
All right, maybe DOGE sending in teenage uber mensches
to gut entire departments on ideological grounds
might have led to some problems.
But hey, at least they reduced the federal deficit.
I think it was more important to reduce
the federal deficit from $2 trillion to close to zero.
No, we didn't.
Well, the real treasure was the friends
you made along the way.
Oh wait, you made no friends.
Up and down this administration,
we were promised meritocracy.
We got ideologues and talk show hosts,
who, as we reignite a new war with Iran
to re-open the Strait that they closed
because of our original war, throw out shit like this.
Today, I'm authorizing a new screening program
for testosterone deficiency for our service members,
ensuring you have the right testosterone levels to operate
at your absolute best.
That's your idea?
Hey, you can't spell meritocracy without more
T. Yeah, that's right.
Watch out, Iran.
We just declared war on deez nuts.
Or how about Health and Human Services?
How's old Robert F Kennedy, Jr. doing with that?
REPORTER: A growing measles outbreak.
REPORTER: Deadly outbreak of hantavirus.
REPORTER: The flesh-eating screw worm
is spreading beyond Texas.
So help me God, if Jimothy gets screwworm,
I will [BLEEP] go crazy.
But it's OK, folks.
There's no need to be concerned that public health
will suffer from unqualified, incomprehensible leadership.
They've already dealt with the real problem.
Now, excuse for a moment that what he just said is factually
[BLEEP] wrong, that the broad nature of what they consider
DEI would exclude treatments for sickle cell anemia, autism,
pregnancy complication, women's cardiovascular health,
and many other great advances made by the people
you all consider suspect.
But for you, Robert Kennedy, Jr., of all people,
to have the balls to hop on board
the anti-DEI only meritocracy train, mother [BLEEP],
if your name wasn't Kennedy, here's how all
your job interviews would go.
It says here you are a heroin addict, who eats roadkill.
Do you have any references?
Welcome aboard.
You know, it's insane.
This whole thing is insane.
It's one thing to fall short in his duty to country.
But Trump's meritocracy is even struggling
with the one thing Trump was supposed
to be good at, petty revenge, like the cases he tried
to bring against James Comey and
New York Attorney General Letitia James.
Tonight, a federal judge throwing out
both criminal cases against two of President Trump's biggest
political foes.
REPORTER: Judge Cameron Curry finding
the Prosecutor Lindsey Halligan was not
an attorney authorized by law to conduct
grand jury proceedings.
Well, you can't spell meritocracy-- well, I think,
actually, they can't spell it.
But forget lawfare.
Trump's meritocracy couldn't even do state fair.
More hiccups for the Great American State Fair
at the National Mall.
REPORTER: Struggling to draw a crowd.
REPORTER: 10 states or territories did not show up.
REPORTER: Pillars that hover above ground.
Vinyl-wrapped buildings have crinkled on occasion.
REPORTER: The power went out in the food hall at one point
and also on the Ferris wheel.
REPORTER: Part of the stage fell
while dancers were rehearsing.
They can't bring their own water.
REPORTER: First responders treating people
for heat-related illnesses, others huddling
under a replica of President Trump's Triumphal Arch
for shade.
Is there a better image that represents
the rise of Trump's meritocracy than the MAGA faithful huddling
under a plywood replica of a memorial Trump is going
to erect to himself, using money
that should have gone to the weather services, that would
have warned these people about the heat wave
they were seeking refuge from?
Oh lordy.
Oh lord.
Oh, great Donald Trump, bring me your heat stroked,
your bored, your huddled masses, yearning to rehydrate,
for this is Trump's America.
We were told over and over again
that the problem in this country
is that government only exists to the benefit
of the entitled DEI mooching class.
But the reality seems to be that their version
of meritocracy only rewards legacy, fealty, and
access, leaving the rest of us with the real DEI,
diarrhea everywhere indefinitely.
This weekend was the big World Cup Final.
And I'd like to congratulate Spain,
or España, as we called it during my semester overseas.
It marks the end of a wonderful month
of soccer co-hosted by the United States, Canada,
and Mexico.
And in a beautiful moment of unity,
Trump watched the game alongside the leader of Canada,
ushering in a new era of friendship that
will last and last and last.
REPORTER: Breaking news-- the Trump administration
says it is slapping an additional 50% tariff
on certain Canadian goods.
Oh, mother [BLEEP].
Fighting again with Canada?
I thought we were going to work this "owt."
Now, what are we taxing ourselves to punish Canada for?
REPORTER: Everything from Canadian wood
and paper and furniture to things like hockey
sticks and dairy products.
No hockey sticks?
What's my husband going to keep jammed
in the corner of the garage for the past 15 years?
Now, obviously it's very frustrating to be
back in this trade war again.
But if you're worried that this is another case of Trump
abusing his power, relax.
These tariffs are legal under the Smoot-Hawley Act,
which has been around since 1930s,
when it helped prolong and worsen the Great Depression,
so cheer up.
[CHIME]
But where?
Where is this sudden anger with Canada coming from?
What's this all "a-boot?"
President Trump is blasting Canada for, quote,
"willful negligence" in its forest management,
calling the pollution an unhealthy invasion.
Trump went on to threaten Canada with more tariffs
due to the wildfire smoke.
You got to stop these fires from coming in and, you know,
poisoning our air.
Are you sure you want America to set a precedent
for paying for pollution?
I feel like your pals at Pesticide
Microplastic Death Diarrhea Lettuce Inc
might have other ideas.
I will say the one interesting thing about the wildfires
was seeing Trump almost come to a realization.
We got to stop the fires up there.
I've never remembered this happening.
Over the last four or five years,
you saw it starting to take place.
Go on.
You're getting warmer, warmer, catastrophically warmer.
I love how he's discovering climate change while standing
next to his idling jet.
Something is causing this, and we have got
to get to the bottom of it.
Keep the engine running, guys, all of them.
I haven't decided which plane I'm taking.
But let's move on from Trump's war on Canada to his war
on personally losing elections.
Look, I know a lot of liberals out
there think election fraud isn't a problem,
but I assure you, it's just as much
a threat to the United States as Canada.
And that's why last week, Trump gave a prime time address
from the White House to offer his solution
to fix our elections.
Congress must pass the Save America Act.
This landmark bill requires that all voters
must show photo voter ID.
How simple is that?
Could I have your photo, please?
Photo voter ID.
Even he sounds exhausted by his own election bullshit.
Hey, hey, once you turn 80, it is harder
to maintain an insurrection.
Happens to a lot of guys.
Now, if you didn't watch this speech,
Trump unveiled a devastating set
of documents that conclusively prove
the 2020 election was stolen in a deep state conspiracy.
I'm just [BLEEP] with you.
He released a bunch of documents that were old news
and didn't prove jack shit.
And at one point, he even started to glitch.
In light of the brand new and irrefutable information I have
revealed tonight, my administration
is in the "pross" of notifying the states.
That's what I'm always saying.
You got to trust the "pross-off."
Trust it.
Now, normally, after Trump gives
a speech, all his fans at Fox News amplify his message
and repeat his lies verbatim.
There's just one problem.
Trump's talking about election fraud.
Remember how this went the last time?
REPORTER: Fox agreeing to pay Dominion more than $787 million
over the network's unsupported claims
that the 2020 presidential election was rigged.
Fox does not want to pay another $787 million.
They need that money for settling
sexual harassment lawsuits.
Sean Hannity, you're live after Trump's speech.
Let's see you try to cover this story without tripping
over $787 million.
President Donald J Trump from the East Room
at the White House, he had a lot to say tonight.
Now, the president, if you go to whitehouse.gov,
has and will--
is now releasing what he believes
is all the corroboration that you would ever
need, what is pretty remarkable,
what he says are in these documents.
I'm sure that anybody, uh, that cares about truth
will want to do a deep dive into all of this.
Um, uh, well, what he said was--
so it was a little-- you know what?
Let's move on to a bigger story.
Why does Mamdani want to convert
Jimothy the raccoon to Islam?
So now, MAGA Republicans are in a tough spot.
If Trump's speech didn't move the needle,
they need to find another way to rally support for it.
They need to come with irrefutable evidence
that is necessary.
They need to take this seriously.
24 states already require photo ID to be
presented prior to voting.
Heck, you even need to present a photo ID
to utilize the Olive Garden's never-ending pasta pass.
OK, or we could compare our election
system to Olive Garden.
Sure, let's try that.
And by the way, for those of you who don't know,
the Olive Garden never-ending pasta pass is a real thing.
And of course, you have to show a photo ID to use it.
In fact, my first fake ID was actually
a never-ending pasta pass.
I'll never forget freshman year when I got marinara poisoning,
had to get my stomach pumped.
And before you ask, yes, I checked
the box to be a pasta donor.
That way, God forbid, if something happens to me,
a guy who needs a new kidney gets my pasta.
But yeah, Virginia Foxx is saying
Olive Garden has tighter security than the voting booth.
And that's such a ridiculous analogy that everyone
on the right is using it.
So you need an ID to get all you
can eat pasta at Olive Garden.
You want to go vote?
Eh.
For God's sake, you can't go get pasta at Olive Garden
without a picture ID.
So you need one for Olive Garden
but not for a stake in our Republic, right?
You have to show up with a photo ID
to prove it's actually you to eat their pasta.
My goodness.
The fact that eating pasta requires
an actual ID before voting in this country
is pretty ridiculous.
Shout out to Olive Garden.
Shout out to Olive Garden?
You're not even talking about election fraud anymore.
You're just ordering lunch.
Here's the thing.
Olive Garden and elections are completely different things.
Voting is a sacred right that can't
be restricted just because Donald Trump wants photo ID.
But Olive Garden needs a photo ID for their Pasta Pass
because their mail-in pasta was a total mess.
Not falling for that again.
But beyond that, your analogy is taking over your argument.
You want people to be thinking about election fraud, not
the restaurant where your parents tell you that they're
getting a divorce.
When you're here, you're family.
But when we get home, you have to choose.
Please, please just stop making this about Olive Garden.
Maybe we just need to change the name of the bill
to the Olive Garden law.
You know what? [BLEEP] it.
Fine.
Let's pass the Olive Garden law,
followed by the Red Lobster war on Greenland Act and
the Chili's Baby Back Abortion Ban.
So that-- that is the current state of Trump's war
on voting rights.
In the span of a week, he went from an urgent prime-time
address to watching his base obsess
over a Tuscan-themed casual dining chain.
It didn't work out for him this time.
But the next one might because at the end of the day,
his lies are like spaghetti.
Throw it at the wall and hope it sticks.
And I think I speak--
[APPLAUSE]
And I think I speak for all of us
when I say shout-out to Olive Garden.
You might remember back in March
when President Trump quickly launched his quick war in Iran,
and conservative media told you how quick
it was quickly going to go.
We've already knocked out so much of their capability.
It looks like this is just a wrap-up mission at this point.
I don't see how this thing can continue much longer.
The war may be over right now.
I just left the president.
Today was a great interview.
I said to him, Mr. President, you keep talking about
the war like "was, was, was."
I said, is it over?
He said, it's over.
She was so happy there dressed like a pimp
on Martha's Vineyard.
Kind of like if Katharine Hepburn was in a music
video for Three 6 Mafia.
Anyway, that was five months ago.
So by now, the end must surely be in sight.
Tonight, no end in sight in the war against Iran.
Do you know something that I don't know?
You don't know anything.
You know something that I don't know?
Do you know something I don't know?
My god, this guy's cranky.
Get him to a cabinet meeting so he can take a nap.
But yes, it's a little awkward for Trump's media boosters
that the war is still going on.
And it's especially awkward for Greg Kelly,
Newsmax anchor and guy who's definitely been kicked
out of an airport Chili's.
He's gone all in for Trump.
And he really put his reputation on the line.
I guess this is not a bold prediction on my part,
because the president just said it.
But I predict also this time next week, we may
be able to declare victory.
I tell you what.
I'll tell you what, though.
It's still better than his other prediction--
diarrhea-free summer.
That did not go well.
But yeah, one weekend Greg predicted that the war
would be over soon.
And did he flinch a week later when the war was still going?
No, he did not.
The war in Iran, which is only 17 days old,
and from what I'm hearing, this thing is going to be over
probably before the 28th day.
This is contained.
There you go.
17 days and over before day 28.
Is it over or is it just beginning?
Maybe a little bit of both.
We are right now at 30 days.
Gotcha.
Gotcha.
We are now at 30 days, and the war is
over and also just beginning.
And before you say, wait, those are opposites,
may I remind you that every new beginning
comes from some other beginning's end?
Closing time.
But the point is, chill out, guys.
Don't make Greg get sarcastic.
GREG KELLY: Wow, this Iran war has been
going on for years, months?
No, 52 days.
52 days.
Relax.
And quite frankly, we're not even shooting anymore.
73 days.
And the coverage is relentlessly negative.
Well, by one count, you could say 81 days.
However, a more accurate count would say 41 days when
you factor in the ceasefire.
81 days, that's nothing, especially
if you call it 41 days.
I mean, do you want him to keep going, people?
Because he'll keep going.
GREG KELLY: If you add it all up, four months.
Oh sure.
If you add up the days, it seems like a lot of days.
What?
You don't want to add on the 21 days since the first four
months too?
GREG KELLY: Four months and 21 days.
How is that for a forever war?
Well, it's a start.
So basically, Donald Trump is locked in a forever war,
has no plan to get out, and has hardly
any defenders besides Kirkland Signature Sean Hannity.
Is there anything that's going right for him,
and I mean anything?
Oh, excuse me.
Hey.
Woo!
Number one on Tic Tac!
Not to mention also very popular on "Facebark"
and "Instagork."
Let's see the master at work.
What?
Stop communism?
Where did that come from?
That TikTok was directed by M. Night Shyamalan.
Look, I know it doesn't seem like that would
be very popular on TikTok, but don't forget,
they love messy bitches.
And it's not just Trump.
His whole cabinet is getting on TikTok.
They just dropped a new video promoting it.
[INTENSE MUSIC]
WOMAN: In the end, this team is stronger, smarter,
and savvier in the game of leverage and negotiations.
And it's always about America first for Trump.
Is this a TikTok or a hype video for a 50-year
high school reunion?
Oh shit.
Doug's coming?
I thought that guy was dead.
But I don't want to prejudge.
Let's check out some of these TikToks.
RFK, Jr., you never do anything weird.
Let's see what you got.
[UNSETTLING MUSIC]
What the [BLEEP]?
Jesus.
Looks like a terminator who went
back in time to stop Sarah Connor from getting vaccinated.
Why does he have those laser eyes?
Is that how he hunts roadkill?
Oh, my god, somebody hide Jimothy.
I'm glad you guys are having so much fun making TikToks.
But remind me, how's your actual job going?
US measles cases just hit a 35-year record high.
And more people are being sickened
by that parasitic infection that triggered
a major lettuce recall.
REPORTER: The CDC has now confirmed more than 4,100 cases
of cyclosporiasis, making 2026 the worst
year for the parasitic infection on record.
Cool cool.
You've got laser eyes, and the rest of us
have measles and poop lettuce.
Thanks for giving us content to watch while we're
sitting on the toilet, shitting our guts out from a parasite
that you're not doing anything to stop.
Listen, we are going through real problems,
and you guys are making TikToks.
You are so cavalier about all of this.
All you care about is your image and your power.
But guess what?
These are American issues.
And it's only a matter of time before these American issues
affect you too.
Actually, can you play that video again
and just turn up the audio?
[PASSING GAS, GURGLING]
And that is the trenchant satire
you've come to expect from 30 years of "The Daily Show."
President Trump was down in Georgia
yesterday where he campaigned for Republican Mike Collins.
And the GOP desperately needs Trump
to give Collins a boost if they have any chance
of keeping the Senate.
So, of course, Trump talked about himself.
When I inherited this thing on January 20,
I walk into office.
I have a press conference first or second day.
And they're screaming at me.
What are you going to do about high prices?
Right?
What are you going to do?
I said, I just got here.
What are we talking about?
Tell me.
Eggs.
Eggs have gone up four times.
Four times.
I said, I just got here.
Give me a break.
Give me a break.
I didn't expect to jump into work right away.
I just ran to stay out of prison.
What do you mean you just got here?
You already had the job for four years.
You probably still had old pens in the desk.
Guy's acting like he was expecting an onboarding.
This is Joe B. You're going to spend the day shadowing him.
Look, I do get it.
He just wanted to spend his first day
settling in, putting his stuff down, pardoning January Sixers.
But the Democrats were just throwing
all these new words at him.
And they said-- they used the word-- first time I heard it.
It was a word, you know, made up by the Democrats--
"affordability."
They said "affordability."
Affordability!
Why is the word you're best at saying
the one you're worst at doing?
And by the way, Democrats didn't invent
the word "affordability."
Costco did.
Costco, if you're going to buy a container of mustard,
shouldn't you be able to bathe in it?
By the way, after 10 years of Trump rallies,
you can kind of tell that he's not
moving crowds like he used to.
The people there were yawning.
They were bored, not even looking at him.
This one kid was just on his phone half the time.
Hey, kid, stop playing Roblox.
The president is talking about affordability.
Come on, Donald, you got to win this crowd back.
You were so great at nicknames.
Why don't you just announce a new cool policy
with a snappy nickname like old times?
We will pass the great health care plan.
It's called Our Great Health Care Plan.
That's the name of it.
Wow.
Thanks for putting in all that thought.
Such a lazy name.
That's like making a daily show and
calling it "The Daily Show."
But look, the president wasn't just there
to lie about health care.
He was there to warn us about a terrible danger.
The radical left is actively trying
to destroy our children's future with the disaster
known as communism.
Oh no!
Quick!
Hide the means of production!
Don't tell me it's communism!
Communism is the single greatest threat to our country
and its history, including even World War I and World War III,
Pearl Harbor, 9/11.
I think it's the greatest threat that I've
ever seen to our country.
That's right.
That's right.
Communism is the greatest threat to our country,
even more than the looming threat of World War I.
That is what the president believes,
although I think someone else might disagree with him.
The threat that we have, the biggest threat is nuclear war.
I think that the border is the biggest threat to this country.
Our biggest threat remains the sick, sinister, and evil people
from within our country.
The weaponization of law enforcement
is the greatest threat.
Our biggest threat to democracy is stupid people.
[CHEERING APPLAUSE]
Might actually be right with that last one.
But let's move on from Donald Trump to his son, Don,
Jr., a New York five but a solid Trump eight.
Because while the rest of us are suffering,
he wants us to know he's doing great.
A CNN investigation has found that an investment firm where
Donald Trump, Jr., is a partner has
skyrocketed during his father's presidency.
Trump, Jr., announced he joined that firm,
1789 Capital, days after his father's re-election in 2024.
Since that time, assets the firm manages
have more than tripled.
What?
So lucky!
How did he manage to triple his firm's assets in the two years
his dad's been in office?
He must be so good at business, and only that.
REPORTER: Businesses the firm invested in
have been awarded more than $1.6 billion
from federal contracts and grants.
Unbelievable.
What a flagrant abuse of power and access.
This just screams corruption and greed.
His dad must be so proud.
This looks so bad.
And Don, Jr., isn't rushing to set the record straight.
But there is something else he'd like to clear up.
But the rumor that you do cocaine
is the coolest thing about you.
You want to keep that going, or we're
going to have to start talking about what
you look like without a beard.
[THEME MUSIC]
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