Watch and Learn - Jon Stewart on Media's Hantavirus Panic & Klepper on MAGA's Missing Trump Phones

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But first, I want to check in on the

But first I want to check in on the

president. You know, his approval rating

president You know his approval rating

is currently lower

than really ever. I think it's it's

than really ever I think it's it's

really it's not it's not good. Uh really

really it's not it's not good Uh really

thanks to a combination of inflation and

he's a dick and uh the war in Iran, the

he's a dick and uh the war in Iran the

ongoing energy crisis in his own body.

ongoing energy crisis in his own body

weekend to Donny's.

weekend to Donny's

But as is always the case with Donald

Trump, his mega base remains unfazed.

Trump his mega base remains unfazed

>> Now, this week saw the formal dedication

>> Now this week saw the formal dedication

of a 22 foot gold statue of Trump at his

Miami golf course by none other than

Evangelical Pastor Mark Burns. Pastor

Evangelical Pastor Mark Burns Pastor

Burns must have known that he might take

some criticism for praying over a

literal golden idol because he wrote on

social media, quote, "Let me be clear,

social media quote Let me be clear

this is not a golden calf.

this is not a golden calf

No,

it is not. But if I may say, it is a

it is not But if I may say it is a

fullgrown cow."

fullgrown cow

That is a That is a golden cow

with a gold load in its

but I don't want to suggest this is

actually a case of false idolatry. If it

actually a case of false idolatry If it

was,

was

God would probably be punishing us the

same way he did in the Bible with a

plague. And I mean, that's not

plague And I mean that's not

happening.

happening

>> Breaking tonight, the deadly outbreak of

>> Breaking tonight the deadly outbreak of

a rare rodent virus on board a cruise

ship. The race to contain a suspected

ship The race to contain a suspected

deadly virus outbreak.

deadly virus outbreak

>> The public health threat so dangerous.

>> The public health threat so dangerous

>> Nightmare at sea.

>> Nightmare at sea

>> Cruise chaos.

>> Cruise chaos

>> A cruise from hell.

>> A cruise from hell

What?

What

What?

What

Another pandemic?

Another pandemic

Are we going to have to start washing

our hands again

>> or freaking the out in a Target?

>> or freaking the out in a Target

>> Target?

>> Target

I'm not playing any more [ __ ] games.

I'm not playing any more __ games

This shit's over.

This shit's over

This shit's all over. This shit's

This shit's all over This shit's

[ __ ] over.

__ over

Good times.

Good times

Although, I have to say on the plus

Although I have to say on the plus

side, I can't believe I still fit into

side I can't believe I still fit into

my old hazmat suit.

my old hazmat suit

Hey, quick question here, though. Are we

Hey quick question here though Are we

all going to die?

all going to die

>> It's not like CO. It's not like measles.

>> It's not like CO It's not like measles

It's not a very efficient transmission.

It's not a very efficient transmission

>> The overall risk to the public is low.

>> The overall risk to the public is low

>> You don't need to be hysterical about

it.

I know we don't have to be hysterical

about it.

about it

It's a choice.

It's a choice

But you know what? It's a relief. I'm

But you know what It's a relief I'm

glad we don't have to be hysterical

about it. COVID was a respiratory virus.

about it COVID was a respiratory virus

Passes easily, often when the person

Passes easily often when the person

isn't symptomatic. It was a brand new

isn't symptomatic It was a brand new

virus we had ever seen before, and we

virus we had ever seen before and we

weren't allowed to know where it came

from. I mean, we didn't know.

from I mean we didn't know

We were obviously allowed to know. We

We were obviously allowed to know We

just didn't know.

just didn't know

Wink.

Wink

While the haunt virus is a known virus.

While the haunt virus is a known virus

It's difficult to transmit. It's mostly

It's difficult to transmit It's mostly

spread by rat infestation, which does

spread by rat infestation which does

raise the question, how did a cruise

raise the question how did a cruise

ship end up

with haunt virus on it? A husband and

with haunt virus on it A husband and

wife who were the first to be stricken

with the so-called rat virus reportedly

went bird watching at a ratinfested

landfill when their cruise ship was

docked at a remote city in Argentina.

docked at a remote city in Argentina

I have some questions.

I have some questions

It's going to walk down the list. A what

It's going to walk down the list A what

cruise line

offers day trip landfill excursions?

offers day trip landfill excursions

What bird watcher

wants to go to a landfill and spend the

whole day going, "Uh, seagull,

whole day going Uh seagull

seagull,

seagull

seagull." Uh, oh,

seagull Uh oh

used condom.

used condom

Ceruan warbler.

Ceruan warbler

Uh, no, that's used condom. Sorry.

Uh no that's used condom Sorry

Seagull vulture. Seagull condom. Vulture

Seagull vulture Seagull condom Vulture

eating. Seagull eating condom.

eating Seagull eating condom

That's But in in bird watching lingo

that's known as a vulgldum.

that's known as a vulgldum

Lot of a lot of people serve that on the

holidays.

holidays

The point is some people may get pretty

sick. But forget COVID. THIS AIN'T NO

sick But forget COVID THIS AIN'T NO

PANDEMIC. HELL, this haunt virus and not

PANDEMIC HELL this haunt virus and not

even in monkey pox territory.

even in monkey pox territory

But I guess reality don't sell papers.

But I guess reality don't sell papers

So boys, we learned that everything was

So boys we learned that everything was

okay on Tuesday. What are we doing

okay on Tuesday What are we doing

Wednesday through Friday?

Wednesday through Friday

>> The WHO has been vocal and saying this

is not another pandemic or epidemic

situation. Can they be so sure?

situation Can they be so sure

>> Should people be worried?

>> Should people be worried

>> Is this another pandemic?

>> Is this another pandemic

>> Could the hivirus mutate? People have a

>> Could the hivirus mutate People have a

right TO BE NERVOUS.

right TO BE NERVOUS

>> YOU GOT TO FIGHT

for your right

>> to be nervous.

>> to be nervous

>> Yes, we might have a right to be

>> Yes we might have a right to be

nervous. But I guess the question the

nervous But I guess the question the

news might want to ask is, do we have a

news might want to ask is do we have a

reason? And your assignment news, should

reason And your assignment news should

you choose to accept it, is to help the

you choose to accept it is to help the

public discern the difference. So may we

public discern the difference So may we

hear from the experts? Again,

hear from the experts Again

>> the potential to spread beyond an

outbreak is very small.

outbreak is very small

>> Should be pretty limited.

>> Should be pretty limited

>> Should keep it contained.

>> Should keep it contained

>> Shouldn't really have any concern at

all.

all

>> I have no no concern about that.

>> I have no no concern about that

>> I guess it's going to stick this time. I

>> I guess it's going to stick this time I

want to make the timeline clear to

everybody.

everybody

Sunday, we found out Hauntus had been on

Sunday we found out Hauntus had been on

a cruise ship. Monday through Thursday,

a cruise ship Monday through Thursday

expert upon expert, scientist upon

expert upon expert scientist upon

scientist very transparently explained

why this illness, while a serious

why this illness while a serious

illness, is a lowlevel

illness is a lowlevel

public health threat.

public health threat

Their words went a long way to easing

the concerns of a curious public. And

the concerns of a curious public And

Lord knows the news can't let that

happen.

happen

So on Friday, after three days of

So on Friday after three days of

reinsurance, I give you Night Line.

reinsurance I give you Night Line

>> A dream vacation turning into a floating

nightmare. Authorities now working to

nightmare Authorities now working to

stop the spread and track down

passengers who've already left the ship,

passengers who've already left the ship

including to the US. The looming

including to the US The looming

question, could this become the next

question could this become the next

pandemic?

pandemic

God damn it.

God damn it

>> They got me again.

>> They got me again

I can't breathe in there. Oh, I was

I can't breathe in there Oh I was

panicking. THEY GOT ME AGAIN. AND BY THE

panicking THEY GOT ME AGAIN AND BY THE

WAY, DID YOU CHECK OUT the percussion on

WAY DID YOU CHECK OUT the percussion on

that?

that

Could this BE THE NEXT PANDEMIC?

Could this BE THE NEXT PANDEMIC

THE QUESTION OF WHETHER it was going to

be the next pandemic had been asked and

answered for three days. But apparently

answered for three days But apparently

that was before the authorities decided

not to fire a torpedo and sink the

cruise ship, burying its diseased

cruise ship burying its diseased

passengers and cruise entertainers in a

watery grave befitting their disease.

watery grave befitting their disease

That's right, folks. These people from

That's right folks These people from

this ship were going to be

allowed to disembark.

allowed to disembark

>> The deadly haunt virus is no longer

contained to that cruise ship. It is now

contained to that cruise ship It is now

literally flying around the world.

literally flying around the world

>> Why' they let them off the boat?

>> Why' they let them off the boat

Releasing them off the boat just creates

new problems.

new problems

>> Why did they get off the boat and then

come back to America?

come back to America

>> How long people on the ship should be

isolated before being allowed to leave

and then like walk among us?

and then like walk among us

Look, I don't think any of us are crazy

Look I don't think any of us are crazy

about the idea of people who take

cruises walking amongst us.

cruises walking amongst us

I just don't think it's

and I I I respect that.

and I I I respect that

But they're still people.

But they're still people

They're just people who wanted to travel

the world on a floating shopping mall

they can throw their fiance off.

they can throw their fiance off

Look it up.

Look it up

Trust me, it's got a higher body count

Trust me it's got a higher body count

than the haunt virus. Trust me.

than the haunt virus Trust me

Look, I could be convinced to be on team

Look I could be convinced to be on team

sync them all, but again, let's listen

sync them all but again let's listen

to the experts that the news people

themselves have vetted to answer these

questions responsibly.

questions responsibly

>> Dr. Rasmmanson, do you have any concerns

>> Dr Rasmmanson do you have any concerns

about the process of the passengers

returning to their home countries? So, I

returning to their home countries So I

don't actually have any concerns about

this process from a scientific

perspective because I actually think

that the process itself is completely

suitable for this virus.

suitable for this virus

>> Oh, suitable for the virus, but not

>> Oh suitable for the virus but not

suitable apparently for this news cycle.

suitable apparently for this news cycle

The news experts say stay calm, but the

The news experts say stay calm but the

news media says, uh, no, I believe we

news media says uh no I believe we

prefer panic.

prefer panic

>> Right now, we're in the port where the

>> Right now we're in the port where the

ship won't even be allowed to dock.

ship won't even be allowed to dock

>> You can have a look at what this looks

like. That is the MV Hondas. Those are

like That is the MV Hondas Those are

the Americans finally on board that

evacuation boat. You can see there's a

evacuation boat You can see there's a

small group of them being fed back and

forth,

forth

>> helping ferry passengers off the ship

and onto some smaller boats to land

>> off of the ship on these little boats

that bring them here through a tent.

that bring them here through a tent

Within minutes, they are on a bus headed

Within minutes they are on a bus headed

straight for the airport.

straight for the airport

>> You're looking at a portion of a a bus

that looks similar to the ones that uh

people have gotten onto.

people have gotten onto

You're literally showing us a bus

they're not on.

they're not on

>> YOU'RE JUST CUTTING TO SHOWING US WHAT A

BUS LOOKS LIKE.

BUS LOOKS LIKE

>> YES, JIM. UH, the passengers are getting

>> YES JIM UH the passengers are getting

on and I'm being told that the wheels on

this bus go round and round and

and we're about to get on a bus where

the wheels go round and round. Jim, I

the wheels go round and round Jim I

see. And can you ask uh will that be all

see And can you ask uh will that be all

through the town? I believe it will,

through the town I believe it will

Jim.

Jim

I believe they will be going all through

the town on the bus. They

the town on the bus They

that they were treating IT LIKE THE OJ

CHASE. IT WAS THAT'S the logistics OF

CHASE IT WAS THAT'S the logistics OF

HOW YOU GET FROM A BOAT TO THEING SHORE.

HOW YOU GET FROM A BOAT TO THEING SHORE

But don't worry, the news media's highle

But don't worry the news media's highle

technology GETS US ACCESS WE never could

have gotten before.

have gotten before

>> These images just coming in. Those

>> These images just coming in Those

Americans getting on buses and waving

before boarding their flights. Drone

before boarding their flights Drone

video from Spanish authorities capturing

the first passengers leaving

>> drone video. SPECTACULAR. SUCH GOOD USE

>> drone video SPECTACULAR SUCH GOOD USE

OF DRONES.

OF DRONES

Ukraine uses theirs to defeat Russia,

Ukraine uses theirs to defeat Russia

but good on you. I still have not

but good on you I still have not

learned enough. I mean, I know they've

learned enough I mean I know they've

gone from a boat to a smaller boat to a

tent to a bus, but at this point,

tent to a bus but at this point

I've somewhat lost the trail.

I've somewhat lost the trail

Where will it end? Where will these who

Where will it end Where will these who

are supposedly to walk amongst us end

up? Perhaps in a room.

up Perhaps in a room

If so, what does the room look like? Is

If so what does the room look like Is

it furnished?

it furnished

If it has a bike, will that bike be

If it has a bike will that bike be

stationary?

stationary

>> Each person will have their own room

equipped with special ventilation

systems, private bathrooms, exercise

systems private bathrooms exercise

equipment, and Wi-Fi.

equipment and Wi-Fi

Private bathrooms, exercise equipment,

Private bathrooms exercise equipment

wifi.

wifi

Oh, maybe we should all get the haunt

Oh maybe we should all get the haunt

virus.

virus

It's actually not that luxurious. Only

It's actually not that luxurious Only

one of them will be given the password

which I believe is lowercase haunt virus

but the I is a one and the S is a dollar

bill. Y'all

bill Y'all

look

we are now eight days into this

nonpandemic

and it's beginning to affect our

Mother's Day coverage segways. It's

Mother's Day coverage segways It's

>> a very happy Mother's Day to all you

moms out there. This morning, that

moms out there This morning that

cruise ship hit by a deadly haunt virus.

cruise ship hit by a deadly haunt virus

>> The state of our union is calling our

mom. This morning, 17 Americans are

mom This morning 17 Americans are

beginning a trip back to the US.

beginning a trip back to the US

>> Happy Mother's Day to all the moms

watching. Let's kick this off. Pandemic

watching Let's kick this off Pandemic

panic.

panic

Happy Mother's Day.

Happy Mother's Day

HAPPY MOTHER'S DAY. TELL YOUR MOM YOU

HAPPY MOTHER'S DAY TELL YOUR MOM YOU

LOVE HER, but also keep your eyes on

LOVE HER but also keep your eyes on

her.

her

cuz you don't know if she's got it or

not. I got to tell you this. If she

not I got to tell you this If she

turns,

turns

you know what you have to do.

you know what you have to do

NO TEARS, BOY. NO TEARS.

NO TEARS BOY NO TEARS

She's not your mother anymore.

She's not your mother anymore

She's more haunter than woman.

She's more haunter than woman

No matter how many times the question

can be asked and answered, it doesn'ting

can be asked and answered it doesn'ting

matter for some people and sometimes

it's the same person.

it's the same person

>> Does this have the markings of the next

pandemic or no?

pandemic or no

>> No. Should we still not be sounding the

>> No Should we still not be sounding the

alarm?

alarm

>> I don't think we have to be very anxious

about it.

about it

>> Should we be worried that we have an

American here who's tested positive?

American here who's tested positive

>> No. It's a low risk to Americans. Or

>> No It's a low risk to Americans Or

should we still not be worried by this

here in America?

here in America

>> Correct. I don't think that this poses

>> Correct I don't think that this poses

any risk to the general public.

any risk to the general public

>> Jesus lady,

>> Jesus lady

how badly do you just want to WORK FROM

HOME?

HOME

JUST WORK FROM HOME. WE'RE NOT ALL GOING

JUST WORK FROM HOME WE'RE NOT ALL GOING

TO DIE. THAT'S A GOOD THING.

TO DIE THAT'S A GOOD THING

Just Just zoom in. Jesus.

Just Just zoom in Jesus

Although it is important to note this

virus can cause chronic fatigue

syndrome. mostly amongst the experts who

syndrome mostly amongst the experts who

have to repeatedly answer

the same questions.

the same questions

>> What is your message to Americans who

are still scared?

are still scared

>> We have been repeating the same answer

many times.

many times

Um this is not another COVID.

Um this is not another COVID

Um and the risk to the public is low.

Um and the risk to the public is low

Uh so they shouldn't be scared and they

shouldn't panic.

shouldn't panic

youing idiot.

youing idiot

Well, that that that certainly should

Well that that that certainly should

put an end to it unless

>> so they shouldn't be scared and they

shouldn't panic

>> and there is concern out there that more

positive cases could pop up.

positive cases could pop up

So when they say you shouldn't be

scared, you hear be scared,

scared you hear be scared

it's like they're all trying to

recapture that pandemic ratings magic.

recapture that pandemic ratings magic

Remember the old big screen body counts?

Remember the old big screen body counts

All the ways they scared us. Well, the

All the ways they scared us Well the

counts are back. Obviously not as

counts are back Obviously not as

compelling.

compelling

>> There's one person who tested positive.

>> There's one person who tested positive

A separate person showed symptoms, but

A separate person showed symptoms but

we don't have a positive test result for

that person.

that person

One,

One

ONE, ONE POSITIVE AND one

ONE ONE POSITIVE AND one

runny nose. What?

runny nose What

Damn, this thing is spreading like I

Damn this thing is spreading like I

don't know what's something that doesn't

spread. Cold butter, the legs of a

spread Cold butter the legs of a

prude.

prude

I COULD DO THIS ALL DAY.

I COULD DO THIS ALL DAY

SO, it's fine. It's not a thing. Go

SO it's fine It's not a thing Go

about your lives. Go on a cruise if you

about your lives Go on a cruise if you

want. Meanwhile, a neuro virus outbreak

want Meanwhile a neuro virus outbreak

on board a different cruise ship. 102

on board a different cruise ship 102

passengers, 13 crew members are sick on

passengers 13 crew members are sick on

the Caribbean Princess.

the Caribbean Princess

NO.

YESTERDAY, TRUMP hosted an event on

YESTERDAY TRUMP hosted an event on

maternal health care, which is a high

maternal health care which is a high

priority for the White House because

what is a woman's birth canal if not a

straight of hormuz that our government

must take control of? Now, the focus of

must take control of Now the focus of

the event was America's lower birth

rates. So, of course, Trump invited RFK

rates So of course Trump invited RFK

Jr., health secretary and guy whose

Jr health secretary and guy whose

iPhone screen is always greasy.

iPhone screen is always greasy

So, let me ask RFK Jr., why are birth

So let me ask RFK Jr why are birth

rates down? And and please remember when

rates down And and please remember when

you answer, don't make this weird.

you answer don't make this weird

>> Uh for men in 1970, men had twice the

>> Uh for men in 1970 men had twice the

sperm count as our teenagers do today.

sperm count as our teenagers do today

>> I I'm sorry. Did Did he just do a back

>> I I'm sorry Did Did he just do a back

in my day for sperm?

in my day for sperm

>> BACK WHEN I WAS A TEEN, WE HAD TWICE THE

>> BACK WHEN I WAS A TEEN WE HAD TWICE THE

JISM.

JISM

OUR SPUNK KNEW HOW TO DRIVE A STICK, YOU

OUR SPUNK KNEW HOW TO DRIVE A STICK YOU

KNOW. UH, THEY DON'T MAKE MAN BUTTER

KNOW UH THEY DON'T MAKE MAN BUTTER

LIKE THAT ANYMORE.

LIKE THAT ANYMORE

NOW, he didn't explain how he knows

NOW he didn't explain how he knows

that but

knowing RFK, I'm sure he personally went

knowing RFK I'm sure he personally went

down to the sperm bank and sampled them

like gelato flavors. You know,

like gelato flavors You know

can I get it with sprinkles,

can I get it with sprinkles

please? Okay. But it's interesting that

please Okay But it's interesting that

he mentioned teenage sperm in particular

because when you look at the lower birth

rates, that's mostly driven by fewer

rates that's mostly driven by fewer

teen births. By which I mean teenagers

teen births By which I mean teenagers

giving birth and not moms giving birth

to teenagers, you know. Oh,

to teenagers you know Oh

congratulations. It's a Mr. Beast fan.

congratulations It's a Mr Beast fan

I'm just confused why the government is

apparently trying to reboot 16 and

pregnant. But but Dr. Oz, maybe you have

pregnant But but Dr Oz maybe you have

a good reason. And again, you know what?

a good reason And again you know what

I'll remind you just please please don't

make it weird.

make it weird

>> So let me speak a little bit about the

reality that one in three Americans are

underbabed.

underbabed

>> I said don't make it weird.

>> I said don't make it weird

Underbabed?

Underbabed

What does that even mean? Are we shocked

What does that even mean Are we shocked

no one wants to have babies anymore? I

no one wants to have babies anymore I

mean nothing makes the ladies want to

raw dog it like hearing RFK Jr. talking

raw dog it like hearing RFK Jr talking

about what the jizz was like at

Woodstock.

Woodstock

You know, let's focus up. This is an

You know let's focus up This is an

event about women. Let's actually hear

event about women Let's actually hear

some of the women speak. While we all

some of the women speak While we all

pay really, really, really close

pay really really really close

attention.

attention

>> In the perinatal improvement

collaborative hospitals, we have reduced

collaborative hospitals we have reduced

maternal mortality by 41.5%.

maternal mortality by 415

Which is truly incredible. And this is

Which is truly incredible And this is

compared with the 5.9% decline in

compared with the 59 decline in

benchmark hospitals.

benchmark hospitals

Oh.

Don't judge.

Don't judge

This man is exhausted from working the

graveyard shift at his second job,

graveyard shift at his second job

posting insane AI slop all night. It's

posting insane AI slop all night It's

important thankless work. So, yet

important thankless work So yet

another Oval Office meeting where Trump

was, as as Dr. Oz would call it, under

was as as Dr Oz would call it under

conscious.

conscious

I'd like to see the White House somehow

spin their way out of this one.

spin their way out of this one

>> Now, a Reuters reporter posted a picture

>> Now a Reuters reporter posted a picture

of President Trump with his eyes closed.

of President Trump with his eyes closed

significantly

and uh the White House responded, "He

and uh the White House responded He

was blinking, you absolute moron."

was blinking you absolute moron

Look, you know what? I can relate. I got

Look you know what I can relate I got

a solid eight hours of blink last night.

a solid eight hours of blink last night

I mean, come on. And don't you hate when

I mean come on And don't you hate when

you're blinking and you have to get up

and go pee.

and go pee

You have to try and get back to blink.

You have to try and get back to blink

You know, it's a nightmare.

You know it's a nightmare

You know what? I think I see what's

You know what I think I see what's

going on here. Trump and Cash Patel have

going on here Trump and Cash Patel have

split up blinking duties.

split up blinking duties

No. Yeah.

No Yeah

This is Yes.

This is Yes

One keeps them shut and one keeps them

fully open. It's government efficiency

fully open It's government efficiency

at work. But look, let's not get carried

at work But look let's not get carried

away here. Yes, Trump is falling asleep

away here Yes Trump is falling asleep

in the middle of meetings, but he's not

in the middle of meetings but he's not

as bad as Joe Biden. Okay, remember

as bad as Joe Biden Okay remember

Sleepy Joe? He was snoozing while

Sleepy Joe He was snoozing while

inflation just skyrocketed. This is

inflation just skyrocketed This is

completely different.

completely different

>> Today, new inflation numbers at the

>> Today new inflation numbers at the

highest level in nearly three years, up

highest level in nearly three years up

3.8% from a year ago.

38 from a year ago

>> Well, well, well.

>> Well well well

Looks like the sleepy Joe has become the

sleepy Joe E.

sleepy Joe E

But okay. All right. Inflation is

But okay All right Inflation is

soaring, which means gas prices are

soaring which means gas prices are

going up, transportation costs are

going up transportation costs are

exploding, and our most cherished

exploding and our most cherished

airlines are up in heaven now, charging

airlines are up in heaven now charging

the angels for water. Now, you know

the angels for water Now you know

what? Normally, I'd be worried, but

what Normally I'd be worried but

thank God we have Transportation

Secretary Shawn Duffy, who I'm sure is

Secretary Shawn Duffy who I'm sure is

laser focused on fixing it.

laser focused on fixing it

>> Transportation Secretary Shawn Duffy is

starring in a new reality show

encouraging people to hit the road.

encouraging people to hit the road

Duffy and his wife Rachel Campos Duffy

of Fox News met on MTV's Road Rules

Allst Star. And they and their nine

Allst Star And they and their nine

children are channeling that past in

this five-part YouTube series.

this five-part YouTube series

>> Wow. First off, nine kids.

>> Wow First off nine kids

I guess we know someone who's not

underbied.

underbied

Now, you might be upset that your tax

Now you might be upset that your tax

dollars were spent on sending Shawn

Duffy and his entire Wuang clan on an

all expenses paid trip around the

country, but don't worry, you didn't put

country but don't worry you didn't put

the bill. It was the other kind of

the bill It was the other kind of

corruption. Duffy says no taxpayer

corruption Duffy says no taxpayer

dollars were involved, neither he nor

dollars were involved neither he nor

his family were paid, and sponsors

his family were paid and sponsors

picked up the production tab. But

picked up the production tab But

looking at some of those corporate

backers, government watchd dogs warn

backers government watchd dogs warn

that the secretary is enjoying a road

trip that appears to have been funded by

the very industries his agency overseas.

the very industries his agency overseas

>> Wow. I mean, Boeing just can't help

>> Wow I mean Boeing just can't help

being part of a disaster.

being part of a disaster

Look, if you're furious about a cabinet

Look if you're furious about a cabinet

member being paid by companies he

regulates to take a road trip in the

middle of a gas crisis caused by his

administration, if that really makes you

administration if that really makes you

want to scream,

want to scream

please don't because the president is

blinking right now.

blinking right now

President Trump left for a major summit

in China yesterday, where he's sure to

in China yesterday where he's sure to

discuss important topics such as trade

deals, the war in Iran, and whether the

deals the war in Iran and whether the

Chinese can help get his fingers out of

that pesky trap.

that pesky trap

Honestly, this trip could not have come

Honestly this trip could not have come

at a better time. Things have not been

at a better time Things have not been

going great at home, and at a press

going great at home and at a press

conference just before he left, you can

conference just before he left you can

see just how testy he's getting. So what

see just how testy he's getting So what

happened is uh we have a ballroom that's

under budget. It's going up right here.

under budget It's going up right here

The price has doubled. You doubled.

The price has doubled You doubled

>> I doubled the size of it. You dumb

>> I doubled the size of it You dumb

person.

person

>> Cuba. What about

>> Cuba What about

>> you? You are not a smart person.

>> you You are not a smart person

>> Oh, whoa, whoa, whoa. Calm down, Mr.

>> Oh whoa whoa whoa Calm down Mr

President. Go to your happy place. Well,

President Go to your happy place Well

not literally. That party's over and

not literally That party's over and

your wingman is MIA.

your wingman is MIA

metaphorically.

metaphorically

The point is, I think both Trump and us

The point is I think both Trump and us

could benefit from this time apart. I

could benefit from this time apart I

mean, nothing wrong with a little break.

mean nothing wrong with a little break

Get some distance, reset. You know what?

Get some distance reset You know what

You can you can take your boys with you.

You can you can take your boys with you

>> Making the trip with him, several of the

>> Making the trip with him several of the

nation's top CEOs, including Elon Musk,

nation's top CEOs including Elon Musk

Tim Cook, and Jensen Wong, the head of

Tim Cook and Jensen Wong the head of

Nvidia.

Nvidia

>> That's your crew?

>> That's your crew

Those are your boys. Not exactly the rat

Those are your boys Not exactly the rat

pack here, is it? That's the kind of

pack here is it That's the kind of

bachelor party that makes a stripper

want to get her life back in order.

want to get her life back in order

In fact, you can tell that that was not

In fact you can tell that that was not

a fun flight by watching Donald Trump

walking down the staircase after he

landed in Beijing. I mean, look at that.

landed in Beijing I mean look at that

That is a man who spent 19 hours sitting

next to Elon Musk.

next to Elon Musk

Yeah, sure. Yeah. All right, let's hear

Yeah sure Yeah All right let's hear

Grock do the Borat voice again. Oh,

Grock do the Borat voice again Oh

yeah. All right. A partite South Africa

yeah All right A partite South Africa

was very nice. Yeah. When do we land?

was very nice Yeah When do we land

Luckily, China was there to perk him up,

Luckily China was there to perk him up

though, with a Jennifer Hudson spirit

though with a Jennifer Hudson spirit

tuttle of business casual children.

tuttle of business casual children

>> That that chant translates to ballroom

now. Ballroom now.

now Ballroom now

And then of course Tim Cook got off the

plane and was like, "Hey you kids, get

plane and was like Hey you kids get

back to work." Huh?

back to work Huh

I'm not paying you a nickel an hour to

sing. Get back there.

sing Get back there

Anyway, you know what? I'm sure Trump

Anyway you know what I'm sure Trump

will have a good time. And while he's

will have a good time And while he's

gone, maybe we can have a little

gone maybe we can have a little

check-in back here at home. You know,

check-in back here at home You know

I'm I'm talking to you, MAGA base. Um,

I'm I'm talking to you MAGA base Um

hey,

hey

MAGA pals. What's up, guys? is, you

MAGA pals What's up guys is you

know, this is a safe space. Donald's

know this is a safe space Donald's

gone. It's just you and me, your old

gone It's just you and me your old

pal, Jordy Kip. You know, let's rap. Not

pal Jordy Kip You know let's rap Not

in an urban way. Don't worry.

in an urban way Don't worry

So, how we feeling? You know, about

So how we feeling You know about

everything.

everything

>> Hey, Trump supporter here. This goes out

>> Hey Trump supporter here This goes out

to Don Jr. and Eric. WHERE THE IS MY

to Don Jr and Eric WHERE THE IS MY

PHONE?

PHONE

>> WHOA.

>> WHOA

WELL, it's it's in your hands, sir. Uh,

WELL it's it's in your hands sir Uh

it's how you're recording this, but you

it's how you're recording this but you

know, maybe you're talking about the new

know maybe you're talking about the new

Trump mobile phone that Don Jr. and Eric

Trump mobile phone that Don Jr and Eric

are backing. You you you must have

are backing You you you must have

ordered one of them.

ordered one of them

>> I ordered three, no, four gold Trump

>> I ordered three no four gold Trump

phones in the summer. Now, we can't get

phones in the summer Now we can't get

any updates on them.

any updates on them

>> Well, I stand corrected. It was was four

>> Well I stand corrected It was was four

phones from the world's top phone

makers, uh, Eric and Don Jr., Uh

makers uh Eric and Don Jr Uh

look look for those of us who don't

remember last June the Trump sons

introduced the Trump mobile phone which

had one major selling point.

had one major selling point

>> You're going to have um phones that are

made right here in the United States of

America. We're going to be building

America We're going to be building

phones in America.

phones in America

>> It's about time we bring products back

to our great country.

to our great country

>> Built for Americans by Americans. For

>> Built for Americans by Americans For

Americans by Americans. Sort of like foo

Americans by Americans Sort of like foo

for people who call the cops on people

who wear foo, but still a $500 phone

who wear foo but still a 500 phone

made in America. Say what you want about

made in America Say what you want about

the Trump brothers. This is an

the Trump brothers This is an

incredible deal. And of course, the

incredible deal And of course the

haters will say that you can't build a

phone in America. That the only thing we

phone in America That the only thing we

make here anymore are Nepo babies and

looks maxers. And that this whole thing

looks maxers And that this whole thing

was just a scam aimed at anyone gullible

enough to fall for it. But 600,000

enough to fall for it But 600000

people ignored the haters and put down a

hundred buck deposit because they knew

they would be proven right when those

phones arrived in August.

phones arrived in August

>> August came and went. September came and

>> August came and went September came and

went. At one point, we were promised a

went At one point we were promised a

November 13 DATE. OKAY, FINE. NOT

November 13 DATE OKAY FINE NOT

AUGUST. OKAY,

AUGUST OKAY

but November's not bad either.

but November's not bad either

>> And then November came a win. December

>> And then November came a win December

came and win. And here we are in May of

came and win And here we are in May of

2026 and there appears to be no sign of

it.

>> Okay, FINE. NOT NOT NOVEMBER OR

>> Okay FINE NOT NOT NOVEMBER OR

DECEMBER, JANUARY, BUT WE ALL KNOW THE

DECEMBER JANUARY BUT WE ALL KNOW THE

names of months here. Okay, so it's

names of months here Okay so it's

taking a long time, but so what? It's

taking a long time but so what It's

worth the wait to finally have a phone

that's made in America.

that's made in America

USA. USA. THE COMPANY'S website states

USA USA THE COMPANY'S website states

that the phone, which was originally

that the phone which was originally

advertised as being made in America,

advertised as being made in America

will now be designed with American

values in mind.

values in mind

>> USA

VALUES IN MIND.

VALUES IN MIND

USA

values in It's not as chanty as you'd

like it to be.

like it to be

Okay. All right. Okay. So, so the phone

Okay All right Okay So so the phone

went from made in America to designed

with American values in mind. This

with American values in mind This

reminds me of shopping for my kids fruit

snacks. Some are made with real fruit

snacks Some are made with real fruit

and some are inspired by the idea of a

strawberry.

strawberry

All right. Bye. It's disappointing that

All right Bye It's disappointing that

they couldn't make it in America, but

they couldn't make it in America but

hey, the important thing is that you're

hey the important thing is that you're

absolutely still getting a phone. The

absolutely still getting a phone The

company behind Trump Mobile quietly

updating its pre-order terms and

conditions last month to clarify that it

quote does not guarantee that a device

will be produced or made available for

purchase.

purchase

>> Holy [ __ ]

>> Holy __

After people bought the phone, they

After people bought the phone they

changed the terms and conditions to say

there might never be a phone. That feels

there might never be a phone That feels

less like a terms and conditions and

more like a gotcha, [ __ ]

more like a gotcha __

And no, no wonder the MAGA base is so

And no no wonder the MAGA base is so

upset. I mean, I'd be furious, too. And

upset I mean I'd be furious too And

the Trump sons must have heard the cries

from inside the F-150 because suddenly

the Trump phone is about to come out

again.

again

>> Some of President Trump's mobile phones

should be shipped out this week. That's

should be shipped out this week That's

according to Trump mobile CEO Pat

O'Brien

>> this week. Where on earth are they going

>> this week Where on earth are they going

to find 600,000 phones to ship? Oh,

to find 600000 phones to ship Oh

okay. Okay. That's why they brought all

okay Okay That's why they brought all

those people to China with them. Now I

those people to China with them Now I

get it. Here comes D. Come in as quick.

get it Here comes D Come in as quick

Everyone grab all the phones as you can.

Everyone grab all the phones as you can

I'll I would do it myself, but this

I'll I would do it myself but this

thing is more complicated than I

thought. Grab it. How do I do it? How do

thought Grab it How do I do it How do

I do it?

I do it

Look, I don't know if these phones are

Look I don't know if these phones are

actually being shipped soon or ever, but

actually being shipped soon or ever but

there is a way to describe the kind of

person who put down $100 for a phone

person who put down 100 for a phone

made by Eric Trump, but I I don't really

made by Eric Trump but I I don't really

want to say it.

want to say it

>> You dumb person.

>> You dumb person

>> Okay,

>> Okay

he said it, not me.

he said it not me

President Trump is in China right now

and the whole US news media has gone

along with him, which means we at home

along with him which means we at home

are getting a rare look at some of

China's cultural wonders. This is the

China's cultural wonders This is the

Family Mark convenience store in

Beijing. Inside is a Galbot robot, the

Beijing Inside is a Galbot robot the

dominance of AI. Beijing is trying to

dominance of AI Beijing is trying to

lead the way in AI and also in humanoid

robots. Let's go inside. This is the

robots Let's go inside This is the

first of its kind for this kind of

interaction. If you want to order

interaction If you want to order

something. Hello. Can I get a sausage,

something Hello Can I get a sausage

please?

please

>> A sausage.

>> A sausage

You went to China, home of one of the

You went to China home of one of the

most famed cuisines in the world, and

most famed cuisines in the world and

ordered a convenience store SAUSAGE

BREAD. YOU'RE making us look weird in

BREAD YOU'RE making us look weird in

front of our future overlords.

front of our future overlords

Although, it could be worse. Usually

Although it could be worse Usually

when someone at Fox News asks someone to

grab their sausage, it comes with a $10

grab their sausage it comes with a 10

million lawsuit. So,

million lawsuit So

by the way, look at that robot just

by the way look at that robot just

standing there in the back. I love that

standing there in the back I love that

even in our tech future, there's still

even in our tech future there's still

one guy at work that does absolutely

nothing.

nothing

But as for the summit itself, Trump's

But as for the summit itself Trump's

welcome got off to a nice start when he

was greeted by children upon children

upon children. But then things took a

upon children But then things took a

turn for the worse when Trump was

confronted by stairs upon stairs upon

even more stairs.

even more stairs

But after all the greeting and the stair

climbing, it was time for the actual

climbing it was time for the actual

summit. A chance for President Xi to

summit A chance for President Xi to

explain his position in simple, clear

explain his position in simple clear

terms Donald Trump could understand.

terms Donald Trump could understand

>> President Xi said that he hoped the two

countries could avoid the so-called

Thusidities trap. It's a historic

Thusidities trap It's a historic

reference about a great power being

threatened by the rise of another.

threatened by the rise of another

>> Damn it, G.

>> Damn it G

You're going to hit President TRUMP WITH

A THUSIDITY TRAP. Now you're making his

A THUSIDITY TRAP Now you're making his

brain go up a flight of stairs. Come on.

brain go up a flight of stairs Come on

All right, President Trump, don't let

All right President Trump don't let

this guy history mo you. Show Show him

this guy history mo you Show Show him

you can communicate in equally

sophisticated terms. Chinese restaurants

sophisticated terms Chinese restaurants

in America today outnumber the five

largest fast food chains in the United

States all combined. That's a pretty big

States all combined That's a pretty big

statement.

statement

>> Yeah,

>> Yeah

that's my president.

that's my president

>> Putting his understanding of geopolitics

into fast food terms. He gives a summit

into fast food terms He gives a summit

speech like a third grader who got

assigned China for his geography

project. In conclusion, China is a land

project In conclusion China is a land

of contrast. And I brought Panda Express

of contrast And I brought Panda Express

for everyone.

for everyone

I got to say, it appears to be a good

I got to say it appears to be a good

sign to see all this bridge building

because I was under the impression that

our relationship with China was growing

increasingly tense and bitter,

increasingly tense and bitter

especially over Taiwan, which China

especially over Taiwan which China

wants to take back. We want to keep

wants to take back We want to keep

independent. But I'm sure all the

independent But I'm sure all the

goodwill between Xi and Trump carried

over into their closed door meeting

about Taiwan. During a two-hour closed

about Taiwan During a two-hour closed

door meeting, she reportedly delivering

door meeting she reportedly delivering

a stark warning to Trump on the issue of

Taiwan, which China sees as its

Taiwan which China sees as its

territory. She telling Trump if the

territory She telling Trump if the

issue is handled poorly, the two

issue is handled poorly the two

countries will collide or even clash.

countries will collide or even clash

>> Ho ho ho. Tough talk, President Xi.

>> Ho ho ho Tough talk President Xi

Perhaps you've forgotten that you're

talking to America, the country that's

talking to America the country that's

just about to start kicking Iran's ass

any day now.

any day now

And if you want to step up to us with

all this thusidities crap, then why

all this thusidities crap then why

don't you dit on these nuts?

don't you dit on these nuts

Now, I know Donald Trump's not going to

Now I know Donald Trump's not going to

take a tongue lashing like that. Our

take a tongue lashing like that Our

president's definitely not going to walk

out of those talks looking like he's in

a hostage video.

a hostage video

>> How were your talks, sir?

>> How were your talks sir

>> Wait.

>> Wait

>> HOLY [ __ ] WHAT HAPPENED IN THERE?

>> HOLY __ WHAT HAPPENED IN THERE

THAT WAS LIKE asking Tiger Woods how the

drive home went.

drive home went

>> All right, DT, do you want to expand on

>> All right DT do you want to expand on

that? Maybe maybe uh defend Taiwan.

that Maybe maybe uh defend Taiwan

>> Talk about Taiwan.

>> Talk about Taiwan

>> Great place. Incredible. China's

>> Great place Incredible China's

beautiful.

beautiful

>> What happened in the meeting that made

him really not want to talk about

Taiwan? He's out there like, "Don't you

Taiwan He's out there like Don't you

guys want to talk about anything else?"

guys want to talk about anything else

Like Jeffrey Epstein, I got a lot of

Like Jeffrey Epstein I got a lot of

redactions. I got time. Let's chat. So,

redactions I got time Let's chat So

after day one of this trip, I definitely

after day one of this trip I definitely

have way more questions than answers.

have way more questions than answers

What does Xi say to Trump behind closed

doors? Can our two nations avoid the

doors Can our two nations avoid the

famous two centipedes trap? How many

famous two centipedes trap How many

Chinese restaurants are there in the US?

Chinese restaurants are there in the US

Hell, I don't even know if Brett Bear

Hell I don't even know if Brett Bear

ever got his sausage. This is the first

ever got his sausage This is the first

of its kind here, and they say there are

of its kind here and they say there are

going to be many different iterations.

going to be many different iterations

So, there's a real big back and forth.

So there's a real big back and forth

>> HE GOT HIS SAUSAGE. YEAH.

>> HE GOT HIS SAUSAGE YEAH

YES.

YES

And look, it's just a it's just a a

And look it's just a it's just a a

loose sausage on a plate. Yum. The

loose sausage on a plate Yum The

robots are like, I know you are going to

robots are like I know you are going to

eat this with your hands, you American

eat this with your hands you American

pig.

pig

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