[MUSIC
PLAYING
]
I want to show you a moment from a town Hall in Michigan
that was held with our esteemed, or certainly steemed,
vice president, Jeffrey Dahmer Vance.
[LAUGHTER]
I'm pretty sure that's what that stands for.
A woman in the audience at this town hall politely,
concisely, powerfully confronted the vice president
on his, let's call it, record of dehumanizing
rhetoric towards immigrants.
Why are you scapegoating immigrants
for the issues you're supposed to be
solving as the vice president?
I appreciate the question.
In no way--
not on any planet, not in any timeline
does JD Vance appreciate that question.
[LAUGHTER]
He [BLEEP] hates that question.
[LAUGHTER]
It makes his beard itch.
And that might be your first tell
that the answer that this young woman is going to get
is not going to be the real one.
But I'm sorry to interrupt.
Continue.
I appreciate the question.
And I would say, and to the extent
that my rhetoric has been imperfect here, that's on me.
Oh.
Is it your rhetoric?
Oh, ah-- pobody's nerfect.
Sometimes you incite violence against vulnerable communities,
and then later on, you apologize.
I mean, we all read "Mein Bad."
Sure, no, I get that.
[LAUGHTER]
[APPLAUSE]
That's the Hitler emoji that we all--
[LAUGHTER]
So, the dehumanizing rhetoric against immigrants, which
all of us thought was a cornerstone
and intentional strategy of both Donald Trump
and JD Vance's rise to power, including falsely accusing
an entire community of Haitian people of eating people's pets,
which Vance admitted was just a useful lie--
actually, that wasn't intentional.
It was all just sloppy word choice.
That was all on him.
Oh, eating them?
No no no.
I meant to say they're booping the dogs.
They're booping the cats.
The point is, I take JD Vance at his word.
And I'm sure that the vice president will do better
the next time he has an opportunity not to demonize
immigrants, which, as luck would have it,
may or may not be just two days later.
But just keep that in mind.
We're going to hold on to that for a little bit
later as we move to France, where Paris is burning--
and not in the [MIMICKING DANCE MUSIC]
Not in that way.
Not in the good, fun way.
It's burning more in the, ah, it's actually [BLEEP] burning!
This weekend, riots exploded throughout France.
Cars were on fire.
Buildings were on fire.
Pants were on fire.
[LAUGHTER]
Apparently, many of the protesters were liars.
[LAUGHTER]
Who even is rioting?
REPORTER: Officials in France have
said this is a left wing movement
that is behind the protests and not immigration.
REPORTER: It's not anything to do with Islam
or Muslim communities.
This is French society across the board.
Got it.
Not Muslims, not immigrants.
Remember what we were talking about earlier in the show?
[LAUGHTER]
JD Vance, here's a chance to perfect your rhetoric.
REPORTER: Vice President JD Vance had a tweet overnight.
Western liberals imported the third world into France.
They ignored fundamental questions of assimilation
and compatibility.
They were told it would lead to this, and they didn't listen.
Mother [BLEEP] They're eating the cats!
They're eating the dogs!
I'm sorry, Vance-- are you seriously suggesting
that immigrants have brought a culture of revolution
and protest to France?
[LAUGHTER]
What are you talking about?
[APPLAUSE]
Have you ever been to the theater?
[LAUGHTER]
Can you not hear the people sing?
Do you know why Versailles is a museum?
It used to be someone's house full of people with heads.
[LAUGHTER]
Do you want to know how French, real French,
these protests were?
REPORTER: The latest demonstration
saw protesters swarm Paris's historic Place De La Bastille.
They stormed the Bastille.
[LAUGHTER]
Other than adultery, it's the most French thing you can do.
It's like blaming immigrants in America
for remembering the Alamo.
Riots are just a part of the general ambiance of France.
I mean, this couple didn't even [BLEEP] get up.
They're just sitting there.
[APPLAUSE]
They're just sitting there finishing
their dessert cigarette.
This lady here, she doesn't even let it
get in the way of her cardio.
She could have made it a Peloton day inside.
No, she's just outside jogging around it.
I'm sure there were foreigners in the protest.
Mostly, they're just looking for their Airbnb.
[LAUGHTER]
Which is not to say that the riots were not a terribly
serious issue, or that France is
not on the verge of dissolution,
as it almost always is.
But just as Napoleon rose from the ashes
of the French Revolution, so now will Emmanuel Macron.
[LAUGHTER]
I don't know if that's exactly right.
Emmanuel Mamacron will take charge of his country
from [FAKE FRENCH] de situation.
REPORTER: Emmanuel Macron is facing backlash
for deciding to attend a Celine Dion concert with his wife
on the eve of the protest.
[LAUGHTER]
OK, first of all, who goes to a concert with their actual wife?
[LAUGHTER]
Oh mmm.
[APPLAUSE]
[HUMMING]
For a second, you weren't sure-- is that too soon?
Can we laugh at that?
[LAUGHTER]
And second of all, Celine Dion concert--
a little on the metaphorical nose, yeah, Mr. President?
As your country falls apart, you stand
on the deck enjoying the dulcet tones of the theme
song from "Titanic."
[LAUGHTER]
By the next night, Macron realized
the seriousness as he gave a national address
to the people of France.
[SPEAKING FRENCH]
Oh, my god.
Is this dude still drunk?
He's not even making sense.
What was that, gibberish?
Vuvuvuvuv.
What does that even mean?
Get a hold of yourself, dude.
This is important.
What's that?
Oh, they do.
All of them?
[LAUGHTER]
The whole country?
And that all makes sense to each other?
They can understand that?
I mean, it's news to me.
I mean, when I'm there, they speak perfectly
good, reluctant English.
[LAUGHTER]
But I apologize, monsieur.
Why are they protesting?
INTERPRETER: These demonstrators express concern
about the cost of living and fuel prices,
which stem from the conflict that began in the Persian Gulf.
Holy shit.
In France, they've burned down an entire city because of a war
they didn't start and aren't even any part of.
And here, in the country that started the war,
we're not even sure we're going to get to take back the House.
[LAUGHTER]
I mean, we're so mad about this war, we might vote.
[LAUGHTER]
But at least now-- yeah.
Get out there.
[APPLAUSE]
Our country happens to be flame retardant.
[LAUGHTER]
Or one of those two words.
[LAUGHTER]
I wouldn't even encourage that.
Honestly--
[APPLAUSE]
--even I would cancel me for that one.
But at least now we know that all of the world
is upset over these high prices that have been caused
by this Middle Eastern war.
This isn't really a Middle Eastern problem.
This is more of a Russia problem.
Oh wait.
Whoa wait what?
I'm sorry.
I'm sorry, Mr. President, are you--
are you saying that these high prices
are because of the war in Ukraine, that Russia started?
Because I thought things like the diesel shortage
were because of the war in the region
where all the diesel comes from.
I've been looking at this chart.
I don't know if you can see it here.
This is the price of diesel.
And I don't know if you know, there's, like--
you see there.
It's very subtle-- a little bit of an uptick to the cost
of diesel at the point where, I can't really quite read it,
exactly when the Iran war started.
I'm not saying correlation is causation
or that the war in Ukraine hasn't caused
fluctuations in diesel prices.
But the little bump here, statisticians would refer
to as the exact [BLEEP] day.
[LAUGHTER]
But, ceding the point, if it is the war in Russia and Ukraine,
how do we fix that?
Today, President Trump announced
that he'd struck an energy ceasefire
with Ukraine and Russia.
Oh, my god, that's actually-- thank god.
I'm sorry.
I was going to make a joke.
Thank god.
Adhering to that energy ceasefire
will certainly give world markets a chance to recover.
I mean, you know what? I'm sorry, Miss.
I didn't let you finish your sentence.
REPORTER: Hours later, the Russians
hit a neighborhood in the Ukrainian city of Kharkiv,
including a power plant.
[EXPLOSION]
Putin.
[BLEEP] Well, luckily, just one month ago,
Trump signed into law the Lindsey O. Graham--
I don't want to--
I don't want to tell you what the O stands for.
Oh!
[LAUGHTER]
Sanctioning-- settle down!
No.
You know what? [APPLAUSE]
I'm canceling you people for that one.
The Lindsey O. Graham Sanctioning
Russia and Iran Act of 2026.
It will penalize anyone who buys Russian oil.
The Senate sent a clear message to our adversaries.
What we're doing here today is standing with a steel spine.
We are standing against Putin's aggression.
It will cut off the flow of cash that
powers Putin's war machine.
Ha ha.
That was one month ago.
Take that, Vladimir.
President Trump smartly recognizing the role
Putin's war has played in rising energy prices,
even though, obviously, from the math
that I showed you earlier, it's really not about that.
But still.
Nevertheless, we will not waver.
REPORTER: President Trump waived sanctions
on Russian fuel sales.
Announcing a Russian diesel deal.
REPORTER: The deal would provide
Putin an influx of billions of dollars
to fund the Ukraine war.
We will not waiver, but we will waive--
spelled-- homonyms.
Damn it.
Wait, if Russia's invasion of Ukraine is the cause of this,
why are we making a deal to give Russia billions of dollars
to use in that invasion?
Perhaps Energy Secretary Christopher Wright
can explain it.
And, if I may use a visual aid to help
me with this explanation, just to show how many different--
[LAUGHTER]
How many different.
Oh, you know what?
[APPLAUSE]
Ah!
[SINGING]
Oh, sweet babushka.
[LAUGHTER]
I just wanted a physical demonstration
of the many layers of stupidity that
must be behind this decision.
If Russia can bring additional diesel to the market
and export it, it would benefit American consumers.
Drive down energy prices for Americans.
Oh-- oh, that's not stupid at all.
This is going to lower fuel prices for Americans, will it?
REPORTER: That immediate release of 300,000 tons
of diesel would have a very little effect
or impact on prices long term.
Huh.
[LAUGHTER]
So, why are we doing it?
Oh, this is pressuring Russia.
[LAUGHTER]
By giving them money?
How is this punishing Russia?
Oh, I'm sorry.
I apologize.
It's kind of a mo' money, mo' problems situation.
Russia does not have diesel to export.
So why are we giving them money for it?
The only way they can get additional diesel to export
is if they turn down the conflict with Ukraine.
They have to either get an energy ceasefire,
they have to either end the war,
or they have to reduce their war efforts.
This is a motivation for Russia to figure out how they can
actually export some diesel.
[LAUGHTER]
Why would we motivate a group to sell
diesel when we just put sanctions
on them for selling diesel?
Doing the opposite within a month is insane.
It is illogical.
It is incoherent.
This is quite innovative, actually.
[LAUGHTER]
Damn you, alliteration.
I think I might have discovered the real reason.
Oh look.
Look.
It's actually-- oh, that's the one.
[LAUGHTER]
[APPLAUSE]
I'm sorry.
I forgot how many dolls I had to open to get to the people.
And then I realized that I'd gotten to the thing,
and then I just had to be like, yeah.
You know what?
Forget Secretary Wright.
President Trump, you, explain your reasoning.
REPORTER: President Trump explained his reasoning,
saying he does not want to do anything to drive Russia away
from the bargaining table.
His price for staying at the table is billions of dollars?
How big is Putin's [BLEEP] table?
How-- oh, actually, OK.
I didn't.
That's my bad.
I did not realize.
[LAUGHTER]
But all right.
We're not helping Russia.
We're helping Ukraine, in their logic.
That makes me feel a lot better.
I mean, the only thing that could obviously
shake my confidence is if, at the same time,
you announce this very strange deal where we give billions
of dollars to Russia, there were other, let's call them,
coincidental blows to the Ukraine war effort.
REPORTER: Ukraine saying access to Elon Musk's Starlink system
has suddenly been restricted, limiting Ukraine's ability
to fend off Russian attacks.
The Starlink was blocked, of course, by the SpaceX
and, of course, by the United States.
I send them, of course, connect and ask, what's going on?
Maybe technical problems?
I hear you, brother.
Dealing with internet providers is a nightmare.
The midterm elections are just two weeks away.
That's two whole Katie Zacharias.
[LAUGHTER]
And if you're behind in the polls,
time is running out, like in Ohio with Vivek Ramaswamy,
Republican candidate for governor
and what happens when you don't bully
those roller backpack kids.
He's 6 points behind his opponent, Amy Acton,
and he's hoping to close the gap with some family drama.
The Ramaswamy campaign, we believe,
released a campaign ad featuring the estranged
mother of Amy Acton.
And it is-- it's shocking.
It's not easy for a mother to say this,
but Amy has a serious problem.
She is a liar.
She's lied her entire life.
Don't vote for people who lie.
Don't let her become your governor.
God damn.
[LAUGHTER]
I know politics is tough, but they got a mom to call
her own daughter a liar?
Woo!
You better hope she doesn't win.
She's going to announce that she's canceling Medicare,
but just for one person.
[LAUGHTER]
Look, if I'm being honest, I wouldn't
endorse my daughter either.
She's a huge liar.
She told me this morning she's a princess unicorn,
but that's obviously a paper towel tube, dumbass.
[LAUGHTER]
But you know what?
Seeing a family torn apart like this breaks my heart.
It makes me want to call my own mom more.
Hold on.
Hey mom.
It's Michael.
If you ever cut a campaign ad against me, I will bury you.
You hear me?
No, I'll see you in hell!
Love you.
[LAUGHTER]
Let's move on to one of the most watched midterm
races in the country, and you all know what
I'm talking about, all right?
So let's say it all together--
1, 2, 3-- Fayette County, Indiana
city council district 4.
[LAUGHTER]
Now, if you weren't already following this race,
one candidate just made it impossible to ignore.
Jamie West, candidate for Fayette County Council
in Indiana, has people scratching
their heads after a bizarre rant
during a local TV interview.
OK, well, of course, Fox News would say that a Democrat gave
a train wreck of an interview.
I mean, how bad could it really be?
Would you like to share with us a little bit about yourself
and read your opening statement?
OK, I didn't write one, so I'm just going to not read
it, just say it out loud--
like, from my heart, OK?
My name is Jaime West.
I own a cleaning business called
Queen Bees Cleaning, LLC.
[LAUGHTER]
Yikes.
I've never watched a clip and smelled gin before.
[LAUGHTER]
OK, so she's definitely drunk.
But this is a press interview, and I'm
sure she's going to lock in.
What is the one decision that I would make?
Hmm.
Repeat that again.
Data centers want that water, man.
Sheriff's nephew threatened to blow my head off.
But what are you going to do?
We have guns, too.
Stealing people's jobs?
I mean-- ahhh.
Yes yes yes yes.
I don't care how drunk she is, there is no more perfect
description of what it feels like to be in America
right now than, I mean, ugggh.
Right?
[APPLAUSE]
Look, I'm glad she's running for office, because, legally,
she can't drive for office.
[LAUGHTER]
By the way, what kind of place is Fayette County
that the sheriff's nephew is threatening
to blow your head off, and you're like, hey,
man, what are you going to do?
[LAUGHTER]
That's just life in Fayette County.
But, of course, when you're drunk,
it's easy to rant incoherently.
But let's see what happens when she's asked a serious question.
Would you recommend a local income tax increase to cover
funding loss from SEA1?
Didn't they already do that, though?
They didn't-- full 3%?
Because Union County didn't--
they want the 2.67%?
They didn't want to go to 3%.
And that was last September.
Man, this is the hardest trivia night I've ever been to.
Although I'm still impressed that she
knows some stats about a neighboring county's tax laws.
I don't know, maybe we do let her drive.
[LAUGHTER]
But let's move on to someone who is not drunk but somehow
equally incoherent, the President of the United
States, Donald Trump.
As we all know--
[APPLAUSE]
They're clapping for the truth.
As we all know, he has a very important day
job looking for things on the map to rename.
But with the midterms in the homestretch,
he's also been holding daily rallies
in support of embattled Republican candidates.
And lately, he's hit upon a very interesting observation
about many of these men.
Rick Jackson's a very handsome, distinguished,
beautiful looking guy.
I wish Tim didn't look that good.
He's a very handsome guy.
I actually think Mike Collins is a good looking man.
[APPLAUSE]
And he's all man.
He's all man.
Look at that jawline.
I'm telling you, I never saw that.
I don't do this with men very often.
I started examining his body, because I didn't
know he was a great athlete.
And I looked, and I watched up and down, I looked at his ass,
and I looked at the whole thing.
Yes.
You live your truth, Donald.
It doesn't matter what anyone says.
You find a man with a nice tight ass
and take him dancing in your big gay ballroom.
[LAUGHTER]
[APPLAUSE]
Do it.
And, MAGA, if you're upset by this,
you are the ones who love Trump because he
says whatever he's thinking.
But that's a double edged sword.
Because sometimes you get I hate immigrants.
Sometimes you get reincarnate me as a desk chair
so this guy can sit on my face all day.
[LAUGHTER]
But Donald Trump's not secretly gay, but what he definitely
is is an 80-year-old man.
That's the age where the filter starts to slip,
and grandpa just says out loud anything that
pops into his head-- like leaning over
at the restaurant going, we have
a very busty waitress today.
[LAUGHTER]
Now, that last guy whose ass Trump was objectifying
was Jon Husted.
He's the incumbent Republican Senator in Ohio.
And, apparently, he made quite an impression,
because Trump was still thinking
bout dat ass a few days later.
I stood right over here, and I examined his ass.
I never did that before.
No, I never did that with a man before.
I examined his ass, and then I looked at his shoulders,
I looked at his feet.
I looked at his hand.
I looked at his jawline.
OK, so you examined his shoulders,
his feet, and his jawline.
Does Trump think Jon Husted is a horse?
[LAUGHTER]
I fed him a carrot.
I brushed his beautiful mane.
By the way, huge ass.
Hey, nothing wrong with being an ass guy, OK?
But Trump has now spent more time
thinking about this guy's butt than how to end the Iran war.
Mr. President, rub one out and get back to work.
Let's start with JD Vance, vice president
and charismatic sex god.
You're all thinking it.
He's probably going to run for president in 2028, assuming AI
doesn't kill us all next year, which is probably
why he's been doing softball interviews
that are impossible to screw up-- unless you're JD Vance.
What are you good at in politics
and what are you not good at that's part of politics?
Oh man.
That's a good question.
I've never been asked that question.
I don't know, man.
I like getting out there and meeting people.
I really love being a senator, because--
Sorry to interrupt.
Tell me what you're good at.
[LAUGHTER]
How is that a gotcha question?
JD, name one [BLEEP] thing you don't suck at.
Uh, can I phone a friend?
Oh, wait, I don't have any.
OK, forget whether or not JD is good at anything,
because that shit doesn't even matter.
People will vote for you if you're confident.
If you're chill.
They said you were 99% to 100% chance of running,
and that if you ran, the president would withhold
his endorsement for a long while to toy with you
and to play the game.
Well, I mean, 99% and 100% are very, very
different things, by the way.
Spoken like a graduate of the Yale Law School.
Ah hahaha.
Ah haha.
What are we laughing at?
I'm freaking out right now.
[LAUGHTER]
He does have a sense of humor, though.
In fact, I saw him tell a really funny joke this morning.
The entire administration, we reject pay for play.
We reject anybody getting enriched off
of their connections to the government.
[FAKE LAUGHING]
But maybe JD is right.
When have you seen allegations of corruption
in the Trump administration?
I mean, yeah, there was his ambassador to Greece,
and his crypto deals, his IRS slush fund, his son's wedding
party, his son-in-law's real estate deals,
but those were weeks ago.
[LAUGHTER]
When have you ever seen corruption
allegations this morning?
REPORTER: A Venezuelan billionaire received a pardon
from Trump weeks after his daughter
hired former Trump lawyer Alina Habba for a $50 million job.
God damn. $50 million for one pardon?
Inflation really is getting bad.
But it's easy to make anything sound bad
when you don't have context.
I'm sure the details of this transaction
will exonerate everyone.
REPORTER: Venezuelan billionaire Julio Herrera
had already pled felony bribery charges down to a misdemeanor,
but he felt that reduced charge was
still a stain on his record.
His family hired Habba to a $50 million job at a new company
with no public profile.
Weeks later, President Trump granted Herrera a
full and unconditional pardon.
Wow, what a way to get out of bribery--
by doing more bribery.
[LAUGHTER]
Not all crimes you can do that for.
Diddy isn't sitting in jail like, how can
I jack off my way out of this?
[LAUGHTER]
But why do you even want a pardon for a misdemeanor?
Was this billionaire trying to get a job at Foot Locker?
[LAUGHTER]
I mean, let's move on to Pete Hegseth,
Secretary of Just the Tip.
Earlier this month, he had a surprise announcement
for how the military was going to execute Fort
Hood mass shooter Nidal Hasan.
REPORTER: Pete Hegseth announced
the execution by firing squad would be live streamed.
And we'll make sure that people are able to watch it,
that it's public, because people need
to understand that there's serious consequences
for these types of things.
OK, I think we already know murder is bad.
America has had a lot of mass shooters, and none of them
were ever like, oh, does society frown on this?
My bad.
But, OK, if you want to do a public execution,
I guess go for it.
I'm sure your MAGA bros are going to be pumped to watch.
Hegseth's plan to livestream the execution
faced bipartisan opposition.
The concern would be that you would create a video
that they wouldn't be a recruiting
tool for future terrorists.
I wouldn't be watching it if it was aired.
REPORTER: And skepticism from within the
Trump administration.
I don't know that that's actually going to happen.
If it's ultimately livestreamed,
I'm not going to be watching it.
Wow, what a stance, JD.
It feels like he's not even that disgusted
that it's a public execution.
He's more like mildly annoyed that he might need to subscribe
to a new streaming app.
Like, OK, what's this going to be on?
Peacock?
Yeah, I'm not watching that.
It's not just Mike and JD who have issues with this.
80% of Americans oppose this.
I mean, these guys are so inept,
they found a way to make shooting a terrorist unpopular.
But you know what?
Hegseth doesn't give a shit about you libtards who are too
squeamish to watch a man get shot to death on the Paramount+
bundle with Showtime.
Hegseth doesn't need your approval.
He just needs the OK from the big dog.
REPORTER: President Trump overruling his defense
secretary today, halting plans by Pete Hegseth
to livestream the execution of convicted
US soldier Nidal Hasan.
No, big dog, how could you do this to Pete Hegseth?
You already sent out the paperless post.
[LAUGHTER]
And this is Pete Hegseth's worst nightmare come true.
He had to take orders from a fat person.
So, what happened?
REPORTER: While the president initially liked the idea
to stream his execution--
Did I approve?
Absolutely, I did.
REPORTER: --he decided against it after learning
more about the case.
OK, first of all, yes, that is Mike Tyson standing
next to Trump in this clip.
And, no, we don't need to know why.
[LAUGHTER]
There's too much going on, OK?
It's a lot happening, but OK.
The president learned more about the situation
and changed his mind.
That's a good thing, right?
Like, the president probably realized that a televised
firing squad would become a barbaric form of entertainment
that, I don't know, symbolized the depravity
of a decaying empire.
You know, that sort of thing.
REPORTER: Hasan was shot during the attack
and paralyzed from the waist down.
White House officials say President Trump did not
know Hasan was in a wheelchair, and that
factored into the decision not to air the execution.
OK, so, just to get this straight, death by firing squad
and livestreaming it, totally cool.
But what Trump was not OK with is that the guy
would be sitting down?
In a weird way, isn't refusing to publicly
execute a guy in a wheelchair kind of ableist?
I mean--
[LAUGHTER]
I just want to say to the wheelchair community,
I believe that you can do the same stuff as everyone else.
And that includes being murdered for our entertainment.
So, all in all, this was an embarrassing episode
for America, but it was especially
embarrassing for the guy who started the whole damn thing,
Pete Hegseth.
REPORTER: President Trump called off the livestream.
What was your reaction to that?
Are you disappointed that there won't be a livestream?
Well, I fully support the president's approach.
Yeah, this is just what you want from a defense secretary.
Immediate surrender.
[LAUGHTER]
I agree with the president's approach, which was to do
the opposite of my approach.
And what I'm saying is, I suck.
We are now just 12 days from the midterms,
the day when almost half of America
goes into the voting booth and Googles on their phone
who to vote for.
[LAUGHTER]
And with control of the Senate hanging in the balance,
the debates are starting to get a little heated.
REPORTER: A fiery debate in Michigan
in a race that could determine control of the Senate.
Democrat Abdul El-Sayed facing off against former Republican
Congressman Mike Rogers.
Rogers, without providing evidence,
attempting to link El-Sayed to Islamic extremists.
Are you for America or are you for these terrorist
groups overseas?
It's a brilliant move.
[LAUGHTER]
You got me.
I am a terrorist.
I wasn't going to admit it unless someone asked me,
for I am the one terrorist who also cannot tell a lie.
[LAUGHTER]
I'm the George Washington of al-Qaeda.
Now, it's no surprise that Michigan is a hot race.
It's a classic purple state.
I mean, the last two senators were Prince and Grimace.
But what is surprising is where else the race is tight.
The Republican Party, helmed by Donald Trump,
is so unpopular that Democrats are now competitive in places
once deemed unthinkable, like in South
Carolina, and Iowa, and Alaska, and even deep red Mississippi.
A top super PAC spending over a million to help district
attorney Scott Colom beat Republican
Senator Cindy Hyde-Smith.
Holy shit.
Mississippi is close?
Mississippi, where the state bird is a rifle?
[LAUGHTER]
Like, how close are we talking?
Like, 1 point, 2 points?
REPORTER: The Cook Political Report
just moved the race from solid Republican
to likely Republican.
[LAUGHTER]
OK, so Mississippi has gone from red to burgundy red?
This changes everything.
If you're surprised that a Democrat
has momentum in Mississippi, you're not the only one.
So this moment that you're running in, are you surprised
that you're still--
I mean, you could win this thing.
I mean, it's stunning, the idea that Mississippi
would vote for you.
[LAUGHTER]
Why'd you say it like that?
That's kind of rude.
I mean, this guy was like, some people actually like you.
But, hey, some people also like having
someone shit on their chest.
So, lots of freaks out here.
Look, clearly this is just Democrats living in a fantasy
world where the blue wave is so big that they have a chance
of taking Mississippi.
It's not like Donald Trump is going to waste
time campaigning there.
President Donald Trump is coming
to Mississippi to campaign for US Senator Cindy Hyde-Smith.
Holy shit.
Either Donald Trump is campaigning there
because this race is actually getting tight,
or he's going to Mississippi because--
uh.
What's a single other reason someone would
voluntarily go to Mississippi?
No, holy shit, this race might actually be getting tight.
But you know what?
If it is getting tight, there's no one else better to bring
it home than Donald Trump.
I know the haters are saying he's
lost his fastball, and his curveball, and his slow ball,
and, really, all of the balls.
But just watch how the big dog rallied the crowd last night
in South Carolina.
Come on, Trump.
Tell them why the Republicans have earned their vote.
Recently, I changed the name of a lake.
[LAUGHTER]
[APPLAUSE]
OK.
OK.
That's cool.
But it's not just the changing of lakes, right?
You got more than that.
So we have a lake, and we have a gulf.
Now, we need a river.
And we need an ocean.
I was thinking of the Hudson River.
And I thought of the Mississippi.
And I said, they'll never--
I'll never do that to Mississippi.
So we're looking for a river, but it's
not going to be outstanding.
And then on oceans, the only oceans I would do--
I only like two oceans, the Atlantic
Ocean and the Pacific Ocean.
I'm not going to put either Trump or America on
any other ocean but these two.
[LAUGHTER]
I mean, you got to think at least
one person in the audience is like,
hey, yo, yo, I can't afford food.
You going to get to that or just more water stuff?
Look, I wouldn't spend quite so much time
renaming undrinkable water when the economy is collapsing
and gas station signs just say [BLEEP] you right now.
But, you know what?
I will say this-- at least Trump didn't spend this rally
rating men's bodies.
This time around, he was more romantic.
And then you have a certain senator that I happen to,
as much as I can fall in love with a man, which isn't that
much, I fall in love with him.
And his name happens to be Tim Scott.
[LAUGHTER]
Trump fell in love with Tim Scott?
It's like when a frog becomes friends with a turtle, but gay.
[LAUGHTER]
But, I don't know, if I was Tim Scott,
I'd be slightly offended by this,
because Trump has spent all week
lusting after every other male senator.
I mean, this guy has a great ass,
and this guy is super handsome.
And when it comes to Tim Scott, he's like, this guy
has a good personality.
[LAUGHTER]
Still, though, Trump is doing this at every rally now.
If Trump gets any gayer, I mean, the liberals on MSNow
are going to have to start coming
out against homosexuality.
But let's move on, because there's
an even tighter race in Maine, the top travel destination
for suicidal lobsters.
That's where Republican Senator Susan Collins could lose
her seat to her opponent, Troy Jackson,
unless she can bring up some weird fact about him.
Well, I'm not going to bring up
the fact that the mother of his two children
is his second cousin.
I don't know whether people know that or not.
Smooth.
[LAUGHTER]
Just look-- look, I would never stoop so low
to call this cousin [BLEEP] a cousin [BLEEP]
Just because he [BLEEP] cousin.
If you don't know what she's talking about, first of all,
congrats on having a life.
But, basically, the Democratic nominee, Troy Jackson,
did have two kids with his second cousin.
What makes it worse is they aren't even married.
I mean, come on, Troy, at least make an honest cousin of her.
[LAUGHTER]
But you heard Susan Collins.
She's not going to make an issue out of this.
Politicians have to stay above it.
That's why they have shadowy super PACs
to do their dirty work.
This new ad running all over Maine,
targeting the guy who had kids with his cousin, Troy Jackson.
[MUSIC PLAYING] Oh, Troy Jackson's a creep
He has two kids with his cousin
If he will [BLEEP] his own family
He'll [BLEEP] yours too
[LAUGHTER]
Shocking news out of Maine--
Troy Jackson has been elected senator in Mississippi.
[LAUGHTER]
[APPLAUSE]
Wow.
Look, by the way, that's a real ad.
That's not us.
And that was a hell of a banger.
I don't know about the senate race,
but the race for Best Country Incest Record is over.
I gotta say, was American politics always this vulgar?
Can you remember a time when things were
more civilized and educated?
I thought Abraham Lincoln was like
a house divided cannot stand?
Not, let's [BLEEP] slavery in the ass.
[MUSIC PLAYING]
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