[THEME
MUSIC
]
Big story-- midterms.
I know.
[SHRIEKS] But it's closing arguments time.
And today, the president took to
the Lincoln Memorial Reflecting Pool
to make his final case to the voters.
I've kept every single promise I made except far more.
I've actually kept far more promises than I made.
That is not possible dimensionally in this realm.
Now dementia-ly.
Yes, that may be possible, but not--
not dementia-ly.
Boom.
But you know what?
I'm sorry.
In the shadow of the Lincoln Memorial with the echoes of Dr.
King's "I Have a Dream" speech, please lay out
for the American people what you think is most
important for them to know.
And if you could include visual aids, that--
that-- that would be so appreciated.
Today, I'm thrilled to announce
the official opening of the Lincoln Memorial
reflecting pool. Now we're giving--
--in the world.
It's almost as tall as two Empire State Buildings.
We resurfaced the bottom in a beautiful dark blue,
very dark blue.
They call it "American Flag Blue," but it's very dark.
This is painted blue for purposes of-- it
was all rusted.
And we fixed the granite.
We recaulked it.
All of this has been years here where
you couldn't see any water.
It was just algae.
And it had a bad aroma, to put it mildly.
This is a massive piece of, uh--
piece of pool.
[LAUGHTER]
Good night, everybody.
Um, that's just--
I'm just-- I don't even--
I don't even know what to--
just to be clear-- I just want to be clear.
That is not AI.
That was not artificial intelligence.
That was not artificial intelligence,
or, really, I think you would agree,
any kind of intelligence.
That was the president of the United States
on the day before the midterms, choosing
to make a speech at the Reflecting Pool
to talk about the Reflecting Pool.
No symbolism, no metaphors, just
straight-up pool maintenance.
That was Donald Trump's "I Had it Cleaned"
speech, if you will.
I-- I--
[LAUGHTER APPLAUSE]
I have been to the Reflecting Pool.
But with the president's priorities so badly misplaced,
it is no wonder what the expectation is for tomorrow.
REPORTER: An electoral bloodbath.
There is the blue wave coming.
It's going to be a deluge.
A blue tsunami.
Blue bomb cyclone.
Because Latino voters, this is going to be a blue wave and
a brown tsunami.
[LAUGHTER]
Is she allowed to say that?
[LAUGHTER]
And isn't a brown tsunami what ruined the reflecting pool
in the first place?
Or is it-- no, no, no, wait.
Regardless, the Democrats appear
in position for a wave election,
not just the House, even the Senate,
as long as the remaining couple of days before the election
are bombshell-less, drama-free non-earthquake-y.
REPORTER: A bombshell out of Michigan.
A stunning last-minute shakeup.
REPORTER: A political earthquake
in Michigan's Senate race.
Drama in Michigan.
Drama?
In Michigan?
Well, frost my flakes!
I mean, of course, we all knew there was drama in Michigan
when Senate candidate Abdul El-Sayed defeated
Haley Stevens in a contentious primary
for the Democratic nomination.
But Stevens has always been very clear
as to their shared goal of defeating
Republican Senate candidate Mike Rogers.
Mike Rogers has shown that he's
just going to go along with whatever Donald Trump does.
He's not going to speak out when erratic tariffs are
impacting our auto industry.
He wants to just continue on, rubber stamp Trump.
The fight now is Abdul beating Rogers
because Rogers is a nightmare.
Can I tell you something?
There is nothing that sounds bad in a Michigan accent.
So what's the problem?
What's the bombshell?
[CROWD BOOS]
Is her car in a ditch?
[LAUGHTER]
Is she endorsing Mike Rogers after getting
in a car accident?
Real quick before I lose consciousness,
I am endorsing the nightmare.
What the [BLEEP] happened?
This is like the most diabolical episode
of Fargo I've ever seen.
What could have driven, somewhat erratically--
[LAUGHTER]
What could have driven Haley Stevens into the arms
of the Rogers campaign?
But Abdul made very clear that I was not welcome
in his campaign, that he didn't need me there,
that he didn't want me there.
I understand that.
I did endorse the Democratic nominee,
and he chose to close his campaign
by saying I wasn't welcome.
I've never been invited to a campaign event.
That's fine. He's busy.
He's running all around.
I've had primaries before myself.
It's not about that.
It does sound like it's about that, I have to say.
But that says why you're mad at Abdul
but not why you're for Rogers.
Rogers is-- hold on, let me find the word--
a nightmare, who is against every principle
you've worked for your entire career.
I mean, at least say you were visited
by three ghosts who convinced you that it turns out people
don't need health insurance.
This can't really be about getting your feelings hurt.
You wanted to be at a public event with him
up until some point, I guess, yesterday.
And it's just an interesting change.
And I think a lot of people are curious to try
to understand it.
Was that a question, Anderson?
Or--
No, I wanted to see if you wanted to fill in the silence,
but you don't. -
Oh.
Yeah.
Do you see what you just did there, Haley Stevens?
Are you happy with yourself?
All that sass.
You just turned Anderson Cooper into Andy Cohen.
Is that what you wanted?
He didn't want to sass you.
He's a newsman.
He doesn't want to sass you.
You gave him no choice but to sass.
Now, to be fair, there is a rift here.
El-Sayed has been very critical of Israel.
And obviously, Stevens, as also some other Jewish people
in Michigan, have been upset by that.
I am not Jewish.
What the [BLEEP]?
[LAUGHTER]
For reals?
But then why all the Michiganas?
Her fiance is Jewish.
Oh, the fiance is Jewish.
That I buy.
The guy looks like I tried to draw
Stephen Miller from memory.
[LAUGHTER]
By the way, just because he's Jewish
doesn't mean he's pro-Israel or Zionist.
Judaism is not a monolith.
Supporting Netanyahu and their campaign in Gaza
doesn't make you Jewish, although I will say this.
Throwing away all of your personal and
professional relationships over a perceived personal slight,
that's pretty Jewish.
We do do that.
That's-- if I may, that is pretty, pretty, pretty--
That's got big aunt who wasn't asked to light a candle
at bar mitzvah energy.
You see, in Judaism there is reform,
conservative, Orthodox, and Curb Your Enthusiasm plot line.
You didn't invite me to the party?
You didn't invite me to the party?
Well, then I am now for deportation, deportation.
I say deport, deport.
Man, this split between Haley and Abdul,
it raises all sorts of uncomfortable questions
about the ability for one issue to split
a nascent Democratic coalition.
It even brings up this country's relationship
with Israel and what emphasis our leaders
should be placing on their safety
and how to balance concerns for the tragedy for Palestinians
with real concerns about antisemitism.
These are real, nuanced, complex issues.
I wonder how our news media will discuss them.
The big question now, how are voters going to react,
and will it impact the polls?
Doh!
Oh, right, the polls.
The polls.
No matter how hard you try, you cannot keep
our news media off the poll.
And I know they might say, oh, we're working our way
through the electoral college.
No.
Being on the poll is a choice.
And yes, with the Stevens story,
as with every story, nuance and complexity matter
less than what do the numbers say?
Because they know that that is what
our little reptilian brains are craving,
immigration tariffs Iran?
We don't care.
What's the score?
These numbers are absolutely staggering and very bad
for Republicans.
REPORTER: New polls today, giving Democrats
something to cheer about as we inch closer
to the midterm elections.
A new wave of polling and race ratings
has Republicans in a fresh panic.
Breaking news, seeing blue, brand new CNN polls,
brand new poll numbers.
The Republican freakout is here.
Ooh, boy, brand new polling.
Oh my god, thank you.
I am so sorry I flipped out on you guys.
But here's the question.
What if the polls are wrong?
Are you [BLEEP] kidding me right now?
You mother-- the big polls, woo!
Woo!
You can't say woo and then buh.
It's woo.
It's not buh.
It's not both.
It's like at the end of Caddyshack when he goes, hey,
everybody's gonna get laid.
Then he can't go, but what about that herpes virus?
That's something.
You can't do that.
But that's what they do.
That's the media's little game.
They prey on our emotions.
We're like little rats in a maze,
getting that dopamine hit.
We're like college kids waiting for that acceptance
to come on through. Come on!
Come on, SUNY Binghamton, let's go!
They're throwing up these poll numbers
on ever-expanding screens.
It's a giant screen.
It's an even bigger screen.
It's an even bigger screen!
They're even doing big screens that are
controlled by little screens.
[LAUGHTER]
And they wouldn't put up speculative nonsense in IMAX.
Something that large can't be wrong
because the very presentation is a vouch.
News organizations are granting these numbers credence
by the very fashion-forward and relentless way
in which they report on them.
(QUIETLY) But every now and again,
in the quiet of the night, when the media tire of toying
with the emotional wreckage that is their audience,
they do tend to offer a Big Pharma-like disclaimer
that would be nice if they made a little bigger.
It just feels like every election
night we're always like, oh, the polls
actually were kind of wrong.
We should all distrust the polls
until we get to the election.
It's undersampling voters.
We've seen polls overestimate Democrats.
A lot of people do not answer polls.
Who responds to polls is meant to be random,
but it's not always random.
Polls are just a snapshot in time.
They don't tell you what's going to happen.
They are not predictors of anything.
In the corner, I see margin of error plus or minus 11.
Then why the [BLEEP] are we looking at them?
Why are you showing them to us?
Why are you talking about them constantly?
Why?
Plus or minus 11?
In the corner?
Why isn't that the biggest number?
Or better yet, why isn't that the number that makes you go,
I'm not going to show this shit on television?
And by the way, why are they the only mother [BLEEP]
who get a margin of error?
The rest of us don't get a margin of error.
This utilities check is for $217, plus or minus 11.
Of course I'm having safe sex.
I always use Zero Holes Condoms.
[LAUGHTER]
Plus or minus 11.
For my own blood pressure, can you
at least tell me which unreliable numbers
I should be focusing on?
The path to retaking the Senate
might just run through Iowa.
Fine. Iowa.
All right, fine.
At least that focuses it.
Iowa it is.
The path to the Senate majority
very much runs through Maine.
[LAUGHTER]
They're not even close.
OK fine.
Maine.
Got it.
North Carolina could decide control of the upper chamber.
South Carolina could decide which party takes the Senate.
Could the path to a Democratic Senate Majority
run through Kansas?
If you want to focus in on one state, it is Ohio.
So goes Ohio, so goes the Senate, so goes the nation.
So goes Texas, so goes the country.
It is all about Michigan.
And it all comes down to Alaska.
[LAUGHTER]
I'm just going to go.
I don't-- you--
So the Senate comes down to the states.
And you know what?
Even those that pride themselves as polling skeptics
cannot resist its siren song.
This program ignores most polls, most of the time.
I have stated time and time again
that I don't believe polls.
I don't trust polls.
Go on.
Boy, the polls that The New York Times published
late last night, a shock.
But The New York Times poll is
one of the gold standard polls, and
today's New York Times poll of the South Carolina Senate race
has shocked Republicans in South Carolina.
Oh! Oh, that's true.
These people, they don't even believe in polls!
Polls are fly-by-night, Oh, but The New York Times,
gold standard.
By the way, did you read the article
about what The New York Times itself said
about its own [BLEEP] polls?
I've got the copy right here.
It sometimes comes on paper.
Let's see their conclusion about their own polls, which
I will be reading for real.
This is what they said about their own gold standard polls!
They said their own polls could either be, and I quote,
"Dead-on," or they could underestimate Democrats,
or they could underestimate Republicans!
In other words, even The New York Times is saying,
it's a poll.
Or it's a hat.
Or maybe it's a brooch.
Or maybe it's a pterodactyl.
[CHEERING APPLAUSE]
And let me tell you something right now.
The only thing worse than your [BLEEP]
relentless, incessant coverage of polls
is when you make it fun.
It's so fun.
Aren't the polls (WHISPERS) fun?
This is the types of numbers that
should absolutely be scary!
Scary!
As the big Buffalo Bills fan, let's say, let's go!
It's always a roll of the dice when it
comes to these Senate races.
You got to put on some shades to understand these numbers.
Number one, number one, I'm talking about this baby, yeah.
Yeah, it's raining in here.
It's raining. Please, please.
No no no.
Yes, there is some caution.
[BLEEP]!
It's not fun.
It's not fun.
It's not cute.
I don't know if you know this, but enthusiastic bullshit
is still bullshit.
Now, I appreciate guys like Harry Enten giving us
the numbers to ease the anxiety that we all feel from guys
like Harry Enten giving us the numbers.
But the schizophrenic nature, the roller coaster ride,
is unbearable.
Here I am, 8:30 in the morning, trying
to just get on with my day.
The Democratic lead, it is building.
These are numbers that Democrats
should be salivating over.
Democrats very much on their way, a staircase
to potential electoral heaven.
Wow.
In a regime that began on an escalator to hell,
a staircase to potential electoral heaven
would be most welcome.
Thank you.
And I'm sure when I check back in on you
75 minutes later, on the same day, that's still the case.
Hold on a second here because we've seen this dance before.
And it was not a dance that Democrats like when
the votes were actually cast.
If history holds in terms of the GOP
outperforming their September polls,
well, there's a very, very strong
chance that Republicans hold on the United States Senate.
Now, what the [BLEEP] was the staircase, with the heaven
and the stairs, and--
oh, well, the numbers say we're dropping you into a field
of ice cream and blowjobs.
But if history is any guide, both are being
given by Mitch McConnell.
[LAUGHTER]
[APPLAUSE]
Yup.
Look, it would be one thing if after months of breathless,
semi-informed speculation, the polls actually
turned out to be right.
But if history holds--
If you're hoping that I had landed on exactly why
things went wrong, I have not.
It just seems to me that the polling did not accurately
reflect what was occurring.
We have to be really honest in the polling profession
that there were some real mistakes made in this election
and big misses.
I was wrong.
We were wrong.
We were wrong.
I don't have egg on my face, I have omelet.
We've really taken the hood off to look at what we did.
That model probably needs a complete overhaul.
It was a big surprise.
Nobody anticipated it.
No polls predicted it.
No one saw it coming.
How did that happen?
REPORTER: Why did the polls miss by so much?
About the only way you can get something right on the nose
is through dumb luck.
The polls turned out to be about as reliable
as a fan magazine account of a Hollywood starlet's rise
to fame.
You've been wrong since you could still smoke on the news.
Look, an election is an emotional time.
The next couple of days will determine the future
of our health care, our economy, and the state
of our reflecting pools.
The news should be soothing our nerves with information and
context, not amplifying them with speculation
you admit has little value.
So to the cable news media, I am begging you, please
reconsider spending so much of your
valuable pre-election airtime hyping up polls
that you know to be unreliable.
I can't think of anything more corrosive
to your viewers' well-being.
REPORTER: Well, forget about the polls for a second.
Just look at some of the latest numbers from our partners
at Kalshi.
Oh my [BLEEP] god.
No Harry. Harry.
Harold.
Harry.
Don't you dare.
You could see this right here in the Kalshi prediction
market. Look where we were a month ago.
We were at 60% chance.
Now, we're talking about a very nice 69.
You son of a bitch.
69 huh?
You old dog.
All right, I guess that might not be so bad.
Wait, who's the 6?
No!
Well, this is it, people.
The midterms are finally here.
Are you excited?
Yeah!
Yeah, you are, you bunch of nerds.
All across the country today, millions
of people who are too stupid to vote early
flooded their local high school gyms
to make their voices heard.
And of course, because this is America,
there were the usual obstacles in the way, fears
of intimidation, voting machines that didn't work,
and in one particular case, some very big distractions.
In Kansas, election officials say a woman went
into labor while voting early.
At one point, the contractions
were coming about every five minutes,
but she was determined to get that ballot cast.
Yeah.
Let's go.
That is either a woman who really
cares about democracy or a baby who really
wanted to vote illegally.
Look, lady, I know your vote matters,
but it's also statistically insignificant,
so it's OK to skip it if you're pushing
a baby out of your vagina.
But it just goes to show you how
much people care about voting.
Sometimes it's from a sense of civic duty.
Other times it's because they just
really support what this great president has been doing.
I've just been following Trump the whole time.
I really think he's doing an awesome job.
Everything from the border to the war in Iraq
to just the fraud.
The fraud has been incredible.
[LAUGHTER]
Is this guy being sarcastic?
I don't know what's happening.
OK, I don't know what this guy meant to say,
but he is correct.
The fraud has been incredible.
Also, I don't know what this guy meant to say,
but did he say the war in Iraq?
This guy's like 10 seasons behind on America.
No one spoil it for him.
It doesn't end great.
Anyway, always good to get the opinions of voters who have
a 50/50 chance of getting their junk
stuck in the voting machine.
I can't get it out.
It's a quagmire, just like our current war in Iraq.
Of course, it wasn't just everyday Americans voting,
it was also America's sorest losers.
HANNAH BRANDT: NewsNation caught up
with Congresswoman Haley Stevens,
as she was in here to cast her ballot for Mike Rogers.
You're getting a lot of backlash.
Does it feel worth it to have endorsed Mike Rogers today?
Any comment at all about you're feeling?
Look, I'm with my mom. We're--
I hear you.
This is our tradition here.
(MOCKING HALEY STEVENS) Yeah, me and my mom
have this tradition where we betray all our core values,
then put on a hat that looks like a giant Pringle.
Please respect our privacy at this time.
Leave Haley Stevens alone.
She just wants to have a lovely day with her mom.
And then, after some quiet reflection,
push her in front of a speeding bus.
But even as voters headed to the polls to cast their vote
and crack their heads slipping on amniotic fluid,
politicians were still traveling the country,
making their final pitch, like Don Jr.,
presidential son and cumbass who somehow let
Kimberly Guilfoyle get away.
[LAUGHTER]
He stopped in Ohio yesterday to warn them what would happen
if Democrats took Congress.
They want to--
What is it?
Save democracy by destroying democracy.
They want to pack the Supreme Court.
They want to make Ohio a state.
[LAUGHTER]
Guys.
Look, we don't always see eye to eye, but Don Jr. is right.
OK.
Politics aside, Ohio should not be a state.
[LAUGHTER]
It's going to change the demographics of this country,
and they're never going to assimilate into our culture.
Also, once a state gives us JD Vance and Vivek Ramaswamy,
it should be at least downgraded to whatever Guam is.
Meanwhile, while Don Jr. was on the stump,
Don Jr. Senior was doing the podcast circuit
to make his case to people while they fold laundry
a week after the election.
Because even after two years of midterm campaigning,
there are still important questions to be asked.
Now, two last questions quickly.
Who is your best looking administration official?
Is it JD Vance, Marco Rubio, Scott Bessent?
Which one of those three?
Or is there someone else?
[SIGHING]
OK, actually, you know what, there
are no more important questions to be asked.
We are done here.
Also, that's a demeaning question that no one
should have to answer.
[LAUGHTER]
But if you ask me, I would [BLEEP] JD Vance, marry
Marco Rubio, and kill myself.
[APPLAUSE]
Look.
[CHEERING]
Thank you for cheering for my suicide.
Look, I'm not going to tell anyone how to vote.
Mostly because if you haven't voted yet, it's too late.
The polls are closed.
But I will say that if the Democrats do retake power,
at least Democrats will finally have a dominant party that
is focused on serious issues and not
how hot their candidates are.
[MUSIC PLAYING]
[APPLAUSE]
Yeah.
Some of those are pity hots.
OK, that's-- not to call anyone out specifically,
but you know how sometimes there's like a group photo
of hotties, where the overall average is definitely
giving one person a boost?
That's Troy Jackson, OK?
This is so stupid.
I'm not voting for Democrats because their candidates
are hot.
I'm voting for them because George Soros pays me to.
Besides, good leadership has nothing to do with being hot.
Have you seen the founding fathers?
There's a reason their main dating pool
was their own slaves, OK?
[AUDIENCE GROANING]
So-- yeah, that's right.
Slavery is bad.
[LAUGHTER]
Last night was election night.
And ho-ho-ho-ho holy shit.
Democrats sweep the country, control Congress.
A stunning shift sending shock waves.
A once in a generation realignment.
A massive rout.
This was a shellacking.
Is it a shellacking?
Is it a spanking?
It's called a country ass whooping,
A seismic political earthquake.
A blue wave.
Massive blue wave, a blue-nami.
That was a blue tsunami wrapped in a cat 5 hurricane.
This is a volcanic eruption of blue Crayola.
Ah, it's so blue!
[APPLAUSE CHEERING]
The Blue Man Group and Bluey snorted the blue meth
from Breaking Bad while singing,
I'm blue, da-ba-dee, da-ba-di.
The point is, it was blue.
Yes, last night was a blue-nami a blubonic plague, a bluclear
bomb resulting in blue-billion human blasulities.
Look, Democrats didn't just win the midterms yesterday.
They made the midterms their bitch.
They won the Senate.
[APPLAUSE]
They won the House.
They won governors' races.
They won best animated picture.
They won the rigged claw machine at the arcade.
Shit, for the first time ever, they were the most
searched category on Pornhub.
I mean, talk about blue balls.
But it wasn't just how much the Democrats
won that was surprising.
It was where they won.
REPORTER: In South Carolina, Democrat Annie Andrews
defeating the incumbent, Darlene Graham.
The state hasn't elected a Democrat since 1998.
Texas has not had a Senator who is a Democrat since 1988.
The last time Kansas elected a Democratic Senator,
that Senator was born in the year
the light bulb was invented.
Wow.
The year of the light bulb--
that's huge.
And now, with a Democrat in charge,
it may be possible to finally bring
that technology to Kansas.
And just to give you a sense of how crazy this is, up
until yesterday, this was the last Democrat elected
to the Senate from Kansas.
It was so long ago, they still thought a tie should
go down to your nipples.
[LAUGHTER]
But yes, Democrats weren't just cleaning up in blue states.
They were winning seats in some of the most conservative
places in America.
You remember that town in Deliverance?
Last night, they elected a gay, Black socialist.
[APPLAUSE]
So this was a historic night.
In a lot of ways, it was America
speaking loudly against endless wars,
corruption, immigration cruelty,
and to some degree, ballrooms.
And it was also historic because of how expensive
it was.
Tech billionaire Elon Musk, the SpaceX CEO,
spent $446 million this cycle, the most any candidate
has ever spent on an election.
$500 million?
There is no way Democrats could beat that.
REPORTER: His preferred Republican candidates,
Ken Paxton for Senate in Texas, Vivek Ramaswamy
for governor in Ohio, swamped by their Democratic opponents.
Aww.
[CHEERING]
Poor Elon.
Half a billion and absolutely nothing to show for it.
I mean, that could have been a three whole days
of child support for him.
[LAUGHTER]
Although I'd like to thank him for making the rest of us
look great with money.
Right?
Now when my wife is mad that I bought that new wave
runner I can be like, well, at least
I didn't spend $500 million trying to get a sloppy pervert
elected in Texas.
[CHEERING]
So, look-- Yeah, sloppy pervert.
So, look, this was undoubtedly an incredible night
for Democrats.
Although, just to be clear, it's not like the whole country
is now that lesbian bar in Massachusetts.
And in some places, it's still the same old America as always.
Continuing with our election coverage,
Idaho voters also weighed in on a proposed
official state firearm.
The ballot gave voters six historic and
modern firearms to choose from
Oh wow.
Well, it's nice to see the right to choose is alive
and well in Idaho.
[LAUGHTER]
In case you're wondering, the Winchester 1873 came in first.
The losing gun went to the bathroom
and put a smaller version of itself in its mouth.
[LAUGHTER]
But as excited as Democrats were
for last night's blue fast, blue furious,
it was just as devastating for Republicans.
And so, last night was the time for some honest self-reflection
from Trump supporters to figure out what went wrong.
In some sense, Mr. Trump was too successful
in the first year and didn't sell
it enough in the second year.
Of course, he didn't sell it enough.
Because if there's one thing we know about Donald Trump,
it's that he hates flaunting his own success.
Oh, Donald, your great undoing was your humility.
Does anyone want to be a little more realistic about why
this loss was so monumental?
One of the most frustrating things for me,
as the White House Press Secretary,
was the bias of omission from the mainstream media.
The president would sign an amazing executive order
in the Oval Office that is helping people,
that is uplifting people.
The mainstream media wouldn't cover it.
Yes, of course.
Hey, of course.
If only the people had seen the amazing, uplifting,
transformative executive orders that Trump gifted us,
like these.
We're going to be changing the name
of Lake Ontario, effective immediately, to Lake America.
[CROWD BOOING]
I'm going to sign an executive order
to ensure that the second Saturday in December
is preserved forever for the Army-Navy game.
Yes.
Yes.
Thanks to Donald Trump, we can now use plastic straws
when siphoning gas out of our neighbor's car
because we can't afford it.
[LAUGHTER]
You guys recognize how bad a loss this was, right?
[CROWD CHEERING]
You're not going to pretend that this is normal, are you?
Don't be discouraged because this is normal.
This is what happens usually in a midterm.
What you're seeing is historically,
the party in power loses the midterms.
History matters.
Midterms are very, very predictable.
Come on.
Yes, typically, the president's party loses
some ground in the midterms.
You guys lost Kansas.
You lost Texas.
You couldn't even get South Carolina
to vote for Lindsey Graham's sister-widow.
It's one thing to say that lots of couples have messy breakups.
It's another thing to say that if you're OJ.
Now--
[CROWD GROANS]
That's where we draw the line, Michael.
Can anyone give me a sane, coherent explanation
of why Trump lost?
Or if not, can anyone give me the most insane
explanation they can think of?
I have tried to salvage Trump.
I've not been sure.
I invested so much.
Maybe I was blind to it.
I think he's the ultimate Democrat sleeper cell
and he works for them.
He is a Democrat.
And I'll admit it.
I was wrong.
What about a long game, though?
10 years of this to [BLEEP] us at the end?
Oh, [KISS] yes.
It's two days since the midterms wrapped up
and the blue wave continues to wash over America.
The Democrats are up to 252 house seats and counting.
[CHEERING APPLAUSE]
They pulled ahead in the Alaska Senate race,
and they're even-- sure, they're
even on the cusp of winning a Senate seat in Mississippi.
[CHEERING APPLAUSE]
I will say, I didn't even know Mississippi had Democrats.
It's like finding out McDonald's serves a risotto.
It just doesn't seem right.
And over in Texas, Democrats flipped everything.
They flipped the governor.
[CHEERING APPLAUSE]
Yeah, they flipped the governor.
They flipped the State House.
They even flipped George Strait.
He's George Gay now.
It's the blue wave, a blue wave.
It's a huge victory for Democrats,
but a somber time for the few Republican survivors.
Texas is blue.
That-- that is a hard sentence to utter.
As we sit here today, I am the only
statewide elected Republican who remains in Texas.
At least until 2:30, when my flight to Cancun takes off.
[LAUGHTER]
I mean, this video was so dramatic.
He makes it sound like he's taking shelter
in a zombie apocalypse.
If you're watching this video, it's probably too late.
I may already be a trans Muslim.
[LAUGHTER]
But, although Texas was the biggest loss
for the GOP, Republicans all over
the country are just now coming to grips with how devastating
the wave was.
This is the end of the Trump era, last night.
We're done.
It was a blue tsunami.
It was an ass-kicking.
This is close to an extinction level event.
The coalition totally collapsed.
I mean, you lost some whites.
Whites!
Whites!
Whites!
The only people we care about, whites.
He sounds like me when the laundromat
[BLEEP] up my clothes.
I said whites, whites!
All my underwear is pink now.
In fact, I believe we have footage
of Jesse Watters watching someone vote Democrat.
He's white.
Yeah.
Now, the only Republican stronghold that held firm
was Florida.
Much like most of its residents,
Florida is where the blue wave went to die.
So it might be worth hearing from its governor,
Ron DeSantis, about what he thinks went wrong.
I think some of the losses probably
could have been mitigated with better governance.
This was a rejection of Republicans in Washington.
Whoa whoa whoa.
It-- it kind of sounds like you're criticizing
President Trump here.
I mean, come on now.
This is your guy.
This is your brand.
You have a decade of merch and idolatry behind him.
You-- you don't want to turn on him just because of one
little generational collapse.
So time to lock in.
Right-wing media, hit that refrain.
President Trump was right about everything.
None should be spared from blame, starting
at the top with Trump himself.
Three big things have happened
since President Trump 2.0 took office, unaffordability,
chaos corruption.
They're going to have to learn how to win
without daddy on the ballot.
Trump sent out a post this morning
reminding us that he is still our president.
Eh.
[LAUGHTER]
Eh?
Eh?
Is she sassing the president?
You don't sass the president unless you're
Benjamin Netanyahu or Vladimir Putin.
But no, no, not you, Megyn Kelly.
This is becoming an actual crisis.
If Trump's base is abandoning him,
his inner circle has got to close ranks.
JD Vance, you're Trump's constitutionally
appointed wingman.
Back up your boy.
REPORTER: Vice President JD Vance,
in a stunning post criticizing Republicans' tactics
and trying to distance himself from the Iran war
started by President Trump.
Vance bluntly writing, "the reason we lost is the war."
Wow.
I will say I applaud JD Vance for having the courage to come
out against the war one day after 70 million voters
came out against the war.
President Trump, this is becoming an existential crisis.
Everyone is abandoning you.
This is the time to come out and
show us that you have the focus, the vision, and
full command over the direction of where the country is going.
Our country is more successful now than at any time
in its history.
Watch the beam go up.
OK.
It seems like you're kind of focused on other things here.
Look, Tuesday was a bloodbath for the Republicans,
and the most tragic part was that we lost so many
of our most beloved MAGA characters,
our favorite corrupt adulterer, Ken Paxton,
America's highest-ranking concerned troll, Susan Collins,
and of course, Indian Jordan Klepper, Vivek Ramaswamy.
But-- so attractive.
But even amongst this carnage, there
were some bright spots for the GOP and
some potential new rising stars.
In the 21st district of New York,
the Republican, Anthony Constantino,
will be victorious.
REPORTER: A rather unconventional candidate, he is
a very successful businessman.
He has his own company called Sticker Mule.
He's also a wrestler and a rapper.
[LAUGHS] Wow.
He's not your grandpa's Republican.
He's your cousin "who can't see his kids anymore" Republican.
Now, you might be thinking, wow,
that is a lot of cursing from a guy
who wants to be in Congress.
But now that he's been elected, I'm
sure his victory speech will be much
more gracious and dignified.
Evil media would not tell you what I did.
Listen, you scumbags.
[BLEEP] Yeah.
Listen, you scumbags, I had to listen to you assholes.
You're a bunch of [BLEEP] assholes.
Look at that asshole right there, him.
Look at that guy.
You're a bunch of assholes.
Kate Lisa, another [BLEEP] asshole.
I want to be clear with you.
I'm not a politician.
Yeah yeah.
No, I can tell.
We can tell from the number of times
you called people assholes in your victory speech.
But you know what?
Maybe-- maybe he's right.
Maybe everyone in the audience is a total asshole.
My consultants are a little stressed out right now.
They're like, we've never heard this before.
It's OK.
It's a new day in America.
Anyway, I hear some asshole in the crowd
is turning 10 today.
Happy [BLEEP] birthday.
Hey.
Happy [BLEEP] birthday.
Congratulations.
You know what?
Look, maybe-- maybe the Republicans
deserve credit because it takes courage
to elect the first jabroni American to Congress.
I can't wait to see him drive his Cybertruck down to DC,
get sworn in on a Maxim magazine,
and then immediately start hitting on AOC.
Hey, Omar, you bipartisan?
A lot of girls are nowadays, you know.
Come on, let's caucus.
Let's do it.
But maybe he's got some big plans for when he gets to DC.
First, obviously, will be getting himself unbanned
from hinge, but after that, what's on his agenda,
affordability, health care?
I got to say this.
I know it's already been asked, but I think President Trump
should consider freeing Diddy.
Now, little girl in the front,
let me explain what a freak off is, OK?
Look, all right, don't worry, though.
America-- America, please don't worry.
I'm sure he won't be in Congress for long.
I hear President Trump is looking
for a new secretary of war.
[THEME MUSIC]
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