Watch and Learn - Rubio: U.S. Wants To Buy Greenland | Stealing Venezuela's Oil

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Welcome to the Late Show. I'm your host,

Welcome to the Late Show I'm your host

Stephen Colbert. [cheering] It was, you

Stephen Colbert cheering It was you

know, you can feel the energy in this

know you can feel the energy in this

room. I'm not surprised. It was, it was

room I'm not surprised It was it was

a beautiful spring-like day here in New

York. [cheering]

York cheering

All that global warming is finally

paying off.

paying off

New York buses keep idling.

New York buses keep idling

Even the coldest places on the planet

are heating up. Uh, like Greenland,

are heating up Uh like Greenland

for some reason, and and we're not

for some reason and and we're not

entirely sure why. For some reason,

entirely sure why For some reason

Donald Trump is obsessed with that

frozen gravel pile and won't rule out

using the military to acquire it. Fun

using the military to acquire it Fun

fact, Greenland is a NATO ally because

fact Greenland is a NATO ally because

it's part of Denmark. And Article 5 of

it's part of Denmark And Article 5 of

the NATO charter clearly states that an

armed attack against one NATO member

shall be considered an attack against

them all.

them all

>> So, if we attack Greenland, we'll have

>> So if we attack Greenland we'll have

to fight all of NATO. And you know who

to fight all of NATO And you know who

else is in NATO?

else is in NATO

>> The United States.

>> The United States

And we don't want to fight them. They're

And we don't want to fight them They're

insane.

insane

[cheering]

cheering

Lately,

Lately

lately, [applause]

lately applause

[cheering]

cheering

yesterday, Speaker Mike Johnson was

yesterday Speaker Mike Johnson was

asked the age-old question, should the

asked the age-old question should the

United States invade Greenland? And he

United States invade Greenland And he

said, "No, I don't think that's

said No I don't think that's

appropriate." [laughter]

appropriate laughter

It's not appropriate.

It's not appropriate

We're talking about attacking an ally,

We're talking about attacking an ally

not wearing jeans to a wedding.

not wearing jeans to a wedding

[laughter]

laughter

GOP Rep. Don Bacon was asked about it

GOP Rep Don Bacon was asked about it

and Bacon was crisp.

and Bacon was crisp

>> There's no upside to it and we're not

going to acquire Greenland. We're NATO

going to acquire Greenland We're NATO

allies. We We have bases there. We could

allies We We have bases there We could

build on that. So, this is one of the

build on that So this is one of the

silliest things I have heard come out of

the White House in the last year. That

the White House in the last year That

is saying a lot [laughter]

is saying a lot laughter

considering this last year was the first

we heard the words FIFA Peace Prize.

we heard the words FIFA Peace Prize

[laughter]

laughter

The biggest critic against Venezuela doesn't

have a soccer team.

have a soccer team

[applause]

applause

They do. Oh, the biggest criticism of

They do Oh the biggest criticism of

Trump's plan came from famed

geopolitical strategist Borker,

geopolitical strategist Borker

[laughter]

laughter

who posted, "I wish all Greenlanders

who posted I wish all Greenlanders

blessings in their fight for

independence." That's right. You do not

independence That's right You do not

mess with Bork. This woman gets dressed

mess with Bork This woman gets dressed

by dipping herself in glue and rolling

around in a Hobby Lobby.

around in a Hobby Lobby

It's brick everywhere. Nothing scares

It's brick everywhere Nothing scares

her.

her

Now, it's it's still possible. There's

Now it's it's still possible There's

an outside chance we don't invade. Okay.

an outside chance we don't invade Okay

This week in a closed-door meeting,

This week in a closed-door meeting

Marco Rubio assured lawmakers that

recent administration threats against

Greenland did not signal an imminent

invasion and that the goal is to buy the

island from Denmark. [laughter]

island from Denmark laughter

That uh does not sound better. It

That uh does not sound better It

actually sounds weirder because I don't

know if you knew this, people don't buy

know if you knew this people don't buy

and sell countries anymore. Apparently,

and sell countries anymore Apparently

our foreign policy is from the 19th

century. So is our vaccine schedule.

century So is our vaccine schedule

[cheering] Remember remember this month.

cheering Remember remember this month

Is it this month?

Is it this month

Remember this month is open enrollment

for health care.

for health care

Trump has also peeved at

Scandinavia. Today he rage posted I

Scandinavia Today he rage posted I

singlehandedly ended eight wars and

Norway, a NATO member, foolishly chose not

Norway a NATO member foolishly chose not

to give me the Nobel Peace Prize.

to give me the Nobel Peace Prize

But that doesn't matter. [laughter]

But that doesn't matter laughter

Oh, really?

Oh really

Cuz it kind of sounds like it matters.

Cuz it kind of sounds like it matters

But yes, uh, Norway, why didn't you give

But yes uh Norway why didn't you give

him the Nobel Peace Prize? Imagine how

him the Nobel Peace Prize Imagine how

upset he's going to be when he finds out

he also didn't get the Nobel Peace

Prize.

Prize

But to prevent international conflict, I

But to prevent international conflict I

hereby award Donald Trump the Nobel

Prize.

Prize

Technically, [cheering]

Technically cheering

Technically, it is a Barnes & Noble

Technically it is a Barnes Noble

buzz. [cheering]

buzz cheering

[applause]

applause

I I I think it's still got like five

bucks on it or something like that by a

cake pop. Now, there's more news from a

cake pop Now there's more news from a

country that Trump has already invaded

because last night, Trump announced the

because last night Trump announced the

US will sell 50 million barrels of

Venezuelan oil. I can't believe I'm

Venezuelan oil I can't believe I'm

saying this, but presidents can't just

saying this but presidents can't just

steal and sell stuff that belongs to

another country. That's what pirates do.

another country That's what pirates do

Though, it does explain why he says

Though it does explain why he says

the country's name like this.

the country's name like this

>> Venezuela.

>> Venezuela

A vast, a vast,

A vast a vast

a vast Venezuelan.

a vast Venezuelan

I come for ye, sweet crude.

I come for ye sweet crude

What do you do with a Venezuelan? What

What do you do with a Venezuelan What

do you do with a Venezuela? What do you

do you do with a Venezuela What do you

do with a Venezueler?

do with a Venezueler

[cheering]

cheering

[applause]

applause

Snatch away its oil now. Thank you very

Snatch away its oil now Thank you very

much. Thank you very much. Trump

much Thank you very much Trump

explained, "This oil will be sold at its

explained This oil will be sold at its

market price and that money will be

controlled by me." Good God, that is

controlled by me Good God that is

that's the most illegal sounding thing I

have ever heard. The only way this could

have ever heard The only way this could

sound more illegal is if the Trump

parked the oil tankers in a school zone.

parked the oil tankers in a school zone

[laughter]

laughter

Trump promises that the pro dollars will

be used to benefit the people of

Venezuela and the United States. So,

Venezuela and the United States So

good news, people of Venezuela. Caracus

good news people of Venezuela Caracus

is getting a ballroom.

is getting a ballroom

Trump also.

Trump also

[applause]

applause

[cheering]

cheering

Trump also said the oil will be taken by

storage ships and brought directly to

unloading docks in the United States.

unloading docks in the United States

And then what?

And then what

Are you going to put the oil on Facebook

Marketplace?

Marketplace

Dingdong. Oh, hey. My wife sent me to

Dingdong Oh hey My wife sent me to

pick up the 50 million barrels of

Venezuelan crude. I uh I got a Honda

Venezuelan crude I uh I got a Honda

Hyundai uh what do I got here? I got a

Hyundai uh what do I got here I got a

Hyundai Tucson. So uh guess I should put

Hyundai Tucson So uh guess I should put

the seat down.

the seat down

Then this morning the US military seized

two Venezuela linked oil tankers. One of

two Venezuela linked oil tankers One of

the vessels was captured in the

Caribbean, uh possibly the Caribbean.

Caribbean uh possibly the Caribbean

We're not sure yet. The other was

We're not sure yet The other was

captured near Iceland and was flying the

Russian flag.

Russian flag

Rudro,

Rudro

What happens if we go to war with NATO and

Russia at the same time?

Russia at the same time

[laughter]

laughter

And

It sent me porn again. All right.

It sent me porn again All right

[laughter]

laughter

Now,

Now

later. Now. Later. The second ship. It's

later Now Later The second ship It's

been a rough day. The second ship uh had

been a rough day The second ship uh had

been called the Bella 1 and the US

considers it stateless. But while being

considers it stateless But while being

chased by the US Navy, the crew of the

chased by the US Navy the crew of the

tanker painted a Russian flag on its

hull. A brilliant idea that could only

hull A brilliant idea that could only

have come from Captain Wy Coyote.

have come from Captain Wy Coyote

[applause and cheering] Soon after aink

applause and cheering Soon after aink

[cheering]

cheering

[applause]

applause

Soon after the ship appeared on the

registry of Russian ships as the Marinara,

registry of Russian ships as the Marinara

[laughter]

laughter

that is not going to help. Bring me the

that is not going to help Bring me the

marinara boat.

marinara boat

Set it on course for the USS Mozzarella

stick [cheering]

stick cheering

at ramming speed. 12 knots, garlic knots.

at ramming speed 12 knots garlic knots

There you go. Midterms are just around

There you go Midterms are just around

the corner and with the GOP's razor thin

majority, Trump is starting to worry. So

majority Trump is starting to worry So

yesterday, he rallied congressional

yesterday he rallied congressional

Republicans at the newly renamed Ruth's

Chris Trump's Kennedy Center.

Chris Trump's Kennedy Center

[applause and cheering]

applause and cheering

Trump had a warning. Trump had a warning

Trump had a warning Trump had a warning

about what would happen if the Democrats

retake Congress.

retake Congress

>> I'll get impeached.

>> I'll get impeached

>> Democrats, I think you just got your new

>> Democrats I think you just got your new

ad.

His

confidence that he will immediately be

impeached does not make it sound like

he's not breaking the law. I swear to

he's not breaking the law I swear to

God, if the police ever turn a black

God if the police ever turn a black

light in my basement, I am so going to

light in my basement I am so going to

jail.

jail

[laughter]

laughter

Near the end of the speech, there was

Near the end of the speech there was

this weird moment when Trump spotted New

York Times photographer Doug Mills.

York Times photographer Doug Mills

>> These are the ones that take the

pictures. Make me look thin for a

pictures Make me look thin for a

change, Doug. You're making me look a

change Doug You're making me look a

little bit heavy. I'm not happy about

little bit heavy I'm not happy about

it. Yeah, Doug, stop taking pictures of

it Yeah Doug stop taking pictures of

Trump with the lights on. [cheering]

Trump with the lights on cheering

[applause]

applause

>> RFK Junior's health department has been

making a lot of announcements lately,

making a lot of announcements lately

and today they debuted new dietary

guidelines to emphasize red meat and

dairy. This change is even dumber than

dairy This change is even dumber than

it sounds. As you can see from this

it sounds As you can see from this

graphic, actually tweeted out by the

graphic actually tweeted out by the

White House, they literally just flipped

White House they literally just flipped

the food pyramid [cheering]

the food pyramid cheering

on. It said, "Oh, you got to turn it

on It said Oh you got to turn it

upside down. It's the only way to get

upside down It's the only way to get

the ketchup out." [laughter]

the ketchup out laughter

Let's let's let's take a closer look at

this thing. Okay. The important foods

this thing Okay The important foods

are at the top. So, we should all be

are at the top So we should all be

eating three to four rotisserie chickens

a day with a heaping side trough of

ground chuck. You'll want a little more

ground chuck You'll want a little more

butter than peanut, more shrimp than

butter than peanut more shrimp than

banana, and at the bottom for the

banana and at the bottom for the

occasional treat, 12 oats.

occasional treat 12 oats

Just just sprinkled in there. Just just

Just just sprinkled in there Just just

12. Just a hint of fiber to try to tease

12 Just a hint of fiber to try to tease

your colon into action.

your colon into action

Move that meat through there. [applause]

Move that meat through there applause

[cheering]

cheering

RFK Jr.'s new dietary guidelines also

RFK Jr's new dietary guidelines also

abandon long-standing advice on alcohol.

abandon long-standing advice on alcohol

You see, since 1980, the FDA has told

You see since 1980 the FDA has told

Americans to limit themselves to one or

two alcohol drinks a day. And I think

two alcohol drinks a day And I think

that's reasonable. I don't ever have

that's reasonable I don't ever have

more than two dairies before I operate a

tractor.

tractor

But Bobby's new guidelines uh throw all

that out. Now, the FDA recommends

that out Now the FDA recommends

Americans limit alcohol beverages, but

Americans limit alcohol beverages but

they do not recommend clear limits. When

they do not recommend clear limits When

asked for specifics, the FDA offered

asked for specifics the FDA offered

this advice.

this advice

>> Whiskey drink. [music]

>> Whiskey drink music

>> Thank you. [applause]

>> Thank you applause

Thank you, Dr. Ozma.

Thank you Dr Ozma

Here's what Medicaid and Medicare

Administrator Dr. Oz said when asked

Administrator Dr Oz said when asked

about the potential dangers of not

recommending a limit on alcohol.

recommending a limit on alcohol

>> Alcohol is a social lubricant that

brings people together.

brings people together

>> Okay. [laughter]

>> Okay laughter

That finding from a new study by doctors

James Beam, Jonathan Walker, [laughter]

James Beam Jonathan Walker laughter

and Elizabeth Limeita.

and Elizabeth Limeita

He continued,

He continued

>> "In the best case scenario, I don't

>> In the best case scenario I don't

think you should drink alcohol, but it

think you should drink alcohol but it

does allow people an excuse to bond and

socialize, and there's probably nothing

socialize and there's probably nothing

healthier than having a good time with

friends in a safe way."

friends in a safe way

>> Hell yeah.

>> Hell yeah

Listen up, you lightweight losers.

Listen up you lightweight losers

Dr. Chugalug has spoken. [laughter]

Dr Chugalug has spoken laughter

>> Anything you want to add to that?

>> Anything you want to add to that

>> And there's probably nothing healthier

than having a good time with friends in

a safe way with the twins. [cheering]

a safe way with the twins cheering

We got a great show for you tonight.

We got a great show for you tonight

I'll be administering the polar

questionnaire to Mal

when we come back. I sus [cheering] join

when we come back I sus cheering join

us.

[music]

music

>> [cheering]

>> cheering

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