Watch and Learn - One Exhausting Year | Americans Pay For Trump's Tariffs

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[Applause]

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Thank you, ladies and gentlemen. Very

Thank you ladies and gentlemen Very

kind. Welcome. Welcome one and all to

kind Welcome Welcome one and all to

the Late Show. I'm your host, Steven

the Late Show I'm your host Steven

Colbert.

Colbert

Ladies and gentlemen, I don't I probably

Ladies and gentlemen I don't I probably

don't have to tell you. Check your

don't have to tell you Check your

calendars. It's January 20th, which

calendars It's January 20th which

means Donald Trump has been in office

for exactly 1,000 years.

for exactly 1000 years

[Music]

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[Applause]

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During that time, he has monopolized our

During that time he has monopolized our

attention every second of every minute

of every hour of every day, which is sad

of every hour of every day which is sad

because today we're not focusing on the

real meaning of January 20th. It's

real meaning of January 20th It's

penguin awareness day.

penguin awareness day

Yeah. Yeah.

Yeah Yeah

Are you aware of penguins?

Are you aware of penguins

Then you've done your part.

Then you've done your part

A lot has happened uh in a short time.

A lot has happened uh in a short time

This year alone, Trump renamed the Gulf

This year alone Trump renamed the Gulf

of Mexico the Gulf of America. Held a

of Mexico the Gulf of America Held a

giant military parade on his birthday.

giant military parade on his birthday

said he wants Canada to be our 51st

state, sign an executive order ending

state sign an executive order ending

birthright citizenship, tore down the

birthright citizenship tore down the

east wing of the White House to build a

ballroom, cover the remaining parts of

ballroom cover the remaining parts of

the White House in golden gilt. Forced

the White House in golden gilt Forced

Paramount to make rush hour 4, made

Paramount to make rush hour 4 made

himself the chair of the Kennedy Center

board, then renamed it the Trump Kennedy

board then renamed it the Trump Kennedy

Center, and personally pocketed over

Center and personally pocketed over

$1.4 billion.

14 billion

And guess what? You didn't remember most

And guess what You didn't remember most

of that stuff because every single day

there's some new Trump horror dominating

the headlines. Case in point, Trump

the headlines Case in point Trump

invaded Venezuela a couple of weeks ago,

invaded Venezuela a couple of weeks ago

seized their leader, and brought him to

seized their leader and brought him to

Brooklyn and absolutely nobody's talking

about it. Not even me. That's weird.

about it Not even me That's weird

And it's probably really it's probably

the whole point. Today's maniacal

the whole point Today's maniacal

criminality distracts us from

yesterday's maniac crimes. Which reminds

yesterday's maniac crimes Which reminds

me, where are the Epstein files?

me where are the Epstein files

Nothing yet.

Nothing yet

Really,

Really

it's the law. You signed it. Just

it's the law You signed it Just

checking. The point is, the last year

checking The point is the last year

has been exhausting. And not just for

has been exhausting And not just for

us. That's why Trump's always falling

us That's why Trump's always falling

asleep.

asleep

Trump celebrated his one-year

anniversary today, this afternoon, with

anniversary today this afternoon with

with a a totally planned surprise

appearance in the White House press

room. Now, obviously, the president's a

room Now obviously the president's a

very busy man, so he could only speak

very busy man so he could only speak

for two hours.

for two hours

Reviews are already in. Time magazine

Reviews are already in Time magazine

raves. Trump touts accomplishments and

raves Trump touts accomplishments and

grudges in rambling speech to White

House press. The New Republic says Trump

House press The New Republic says Trump

79 kicks off press conference by reading

aloud to himself. The Express UK opines

aloud to himself The Express UK opines

Trump health fear soared during bizarre

press briefing. Time for a medical

press briefing Time for a medical

review. And Steven Colbear says these

review And Steven Colbear says these

are the mad ramblings of a syphilitic

brain.

brain

But here's the thing.

But here's the thing

Don't take my accurate word for it.

Don't take my accurate word for it

Let's Let's go to the tape. Trump began

Let's Let's go to the tape Trump began

the press conference steadily and

sleepily holding up pictures of

immigrants with criminal records.

immigrants with criminal records

Boy, these are rough characters.

Boy these are rough characters

Many murderers. Many, many murderers.

Many murderers Many many murderers

People that murdered

You're not getting bored with this,

You're not getting bored with this

right?

right

Bored.

Bored

Am I bored? Bored. Is it bored when your

Am I bored Bored Is it bored when your

testicles snap up against your pelvis

while your heart beats like a tweaked

out woodpecker and you're worried for

your grandchildren that haven't even

been born yet? Is that bored

been born yet Is that bored

then? No. No, I'm not bored.

then No No I'm not bored

Follow-up question. Is it still

Follow-up question Is it still

technically sundowning if it happens at

two o'clock in the afternoon? I'm asking

two o'clock in the afternoon I'm asking

for an entire world.

for an entire world

Now, when Trump wasn't silently holding

Now when Trump wasn't silently holding

up his immigrant Pokemon cards, he he

up his immigrant Pokemon cards he he

tried to tout his many accomplishments,

tried to tout his many accomplishments

including sending the National Guard to

DC.

Look how beautiful DC is. Now, you can

Look how beautiful DC is Now you can

walk right from here to a restaurant to

right through the center of town. You

right through the center of town You

can be with your child, with your loved

can be with your child with your loved

one, with your lover.

one with your lover

Your lover's not going to be killed

anymore. So, you can act like a real

anymore So you can act like a real

lover. I mean, I mean, your lover is not

lover I mean I mean your lover is not

going to be killed. And remember,

going to be killed And remember

there must be 50 ways to kill your lover

because

hit her with a pan, Stan, come up with a

hit her with a pan Stan come up with a

ploy, Roy.

ploy Roy

You could you could murder Francine

Jean. You could run her over with a bus

Jean You could run her over with a bus

gush. Just

gush Just

smother your lover Danny Glover. Just

smother your lover Danny Glover Just

the point is and just look at that guy.

the point is and just look at that guy

Just the point is

I'm still crazy after all these years.

I'm still crazy after all these years

Anyway, that happened. That happened.

Anyway that happened That happened

Look at that.

Look at that

I don't know. I don't Anyway. Anyway,

I don't know I don't Anyway Anyway

that happened today and and we'll forget

it tomorrow because Trump's focused on

conquering Greenland now and he he

hasn't ruled out using the military for

that. In fact, this weekend he

that In fact this weekend he

threatened tariffs against any NATO

allies who sent a few dozen troops

there, including Denmark, Norway,

there including Denmark Norway

Sweden, France, Germany, the United

Sweden France Germany the United

Kingdom, the Netherlands, and Finland.

Kingdom the Netherlands and Finland

We can't go after Finland. They're a

We can't go after Finland They're a

major trading partner. We import a

major trading partner We import a

billion dollars a year of finished paper

and paper board articles of pulp, paper

and paper board articles of pulp paper

and board.

and board

And you know, you know the old saying,

And you know you know the old saying

first they came for my paper board and

I said nothing.

I said nothing

Then they came for my paper and board.

Then they came for my paper and board

And I was like, how is that different? I

And I was like how is that different I

don't know. Is that not paper board?

don't know Is that not paper board

Unlike all of his previous tariff

threats, Europe did not cave this time.

threats Europe did not cave this time

Over the weekend, the EU,

Over the weekend the EU

When did we let the Europeans in? I

When did we let the Europeans in I

guess

Check the passports before these people

leave. Now, over the weekend, this the

leave Now over the weekend this the

EU held emergency meetings to counter

the tariffs. One idea they had is to

the tariffs One idea they had is to

unleash what they call the trade

bazooka, which allows the EU to curb or

bazooka which allows the EU to curb or

cease imports of goods, put restrictions

cease imports of goods put restrictions

on foreign investments, and could even

on foreign investments and could even

block some of America's access to EU

markets. No, but I love European

markets No but I love European

markets. They sell mold wine that you

markets They sell mold wine that you

can sip while you walk around. Then as

can sip while you walk around Then as

you're leaving, you're like, "Well, we

you're leaving you're like Well we

got to buy a puppet."

got to buy a puppet

And then you're stuck on a 9-hour flight

to JFK with a handcarved marionette in

your lap. You're like, "You're German

your lap You're like You're German

Jeff Dunham."

Jeff Dunham

Now, it's worth a it's worth a reminder

Now it's worth a it's worth a reminder

that Americans are the ones paying for

all of Trump's tariffs.

all of Trump's tariffs

So, our country's threat to Europe,

So our country's threat to Europe

evidently, our country's threat to

evidently our country's threat to

Europe is give us Greenland or I swear

to God, we're going to punch ourselves

to God we're going to punch ourselves

in the ball so hard.

in the ball so hard

Now, somebody moving a piano over there,

Now somebody moving a piano over there

you guys moving some heavy furniture.

you guys moving some heavy furniture

Several European leaders reached out to

Trump to try to talk some sense into

him, including Norwegian Prime Minister

him including Norwegian Prime Minister

Johannes Garuri,

Johannes Garuri

seen here, asking his doctor if scialis

seen here asking his doctor if scialis

is right for him.

is right for him

Støre,

Støre

and I trust I'm mispronouncing that

correctly. Study sent Trump a secure

correctly Study sent Trump a secure

text message suggesting some

deescalation over the conflict over

Greenland. The president responded,

Greenland The president responded

"Dear Yonas,

Dear Yonas

considering your country decided not to

give me the Nobel Peace Prize for having

stopped eight wars, plus I no longer

stopped eight wars plus I no longer

feel an obligation to think purely of

peace." He didn't get the Nobel Peace

peace He didn't get the Nobel Peace

Prize, so now he's going to ruin peace.

Prize so now he's going to ruin peace

Same way he didn't get an Emmy for his

reality show, so he ruined reality.

reality show so he ruined reality

All of the Just give him the prize. Just

All of the Just give him the prize Just

give him the thing.

give him the thing

It just isn't worth it. Just give him

It just isn't worth it Just give him

whatever he wants. All of this tension

whatever he wants All of this tension

is going to make things awkward tomorrow

when Trump speaks to the World Economic

Forum over in Davos. The forum kicked

Forum over in Davos The forum kicked

off yesterday and European leaders are

already taking swipes at Trump. Here's

already taking swipes at Trump Here's

French President Emmanuel Macron who was

sporting a new accessory uh because of

an eye condition.

an eye condition

We do believe that we need more growth.

We do believe that we need more growth

We need more stability in this world.

We need more stability in this world

But we do prefer respect to bullies. We

But we do prefer respect to bullies We

do prefer science to plotism. And we do

do prefer science to plotism And we do

prefer rule of law to brutality.

prefer rule of law to brutality

Cool shades, bro.

Cool shades bro

Macron's clearly ready to stand his ground

as he's France's answer to Dirty Harry.

as he's France's answer to Dirty Harry

Filthy Henry.

Filthy Henry

Go ahead, punk.

Go ahead punk

Make my day.

Make my day

Huh? Huh? Uhhuh.

Huh Huh Uhhuh

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Or he could be promoting his new

international crime procedural CSI. Ooh la

international crime procedural CSI Ooh la

la.

Beware, Mr. Trump. If you take

Beware Mr Trump If you take

Greenland, France may start.

Greenland France may start

World War II. Some

World War II Some

[Applause]

Applause

[Music]

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Trump's not the only Really

Think about it.

Think about it

Call me CBS.

Call me CBS

Trump's not the only American leader

traveling to Davos. So is California

traveling to Davos So is California

governor and pigeon waiting for you to

drop that French fry.

drop that French fry

Gavin Newsom.

Gavin Newsom

Newsom had a warning for European leaders

capitulating to Trump's bullying.

capitulating to Trump's bullying

Europeans think this is diplomacy and

this will ultimately

This is diplomacy with Donald Trump.

This is diplomacy with Donald Trump

He's a T-Rex. You mate with him or he

He's a T-Rex You mate with him or he

devours you. One or the other.

devours you One or the other

What?

What

He's a T-Rex. You mate with him or he

He's a T-Rex You mate with him or he

devours you? I must have missed that

devours you I must have missed that

scene in Jurassic Park.

scene in Jurassic Park

But is this true? I'm told we have a

But is this true I'm told we have a

clip.

clip

What is that?

What is that

We got a great show for you tonight. My

We got a great show for you tonight My

guest, the Senator, Bernie Sanders.

guest the Senator Bernie Sanders

Stick around.

Stick around

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[Music]

Music

Hey,

Hey

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