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[ __ ]

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it feels very balmy today

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i was gonna meditate outside but if i'm

being honest my towel was wet and it was

soaking through my pants i also forgot

my phone and i need my phone to meditate

because i do guided meditations if i

just sit down for 10 minutes and close

my eyes and try to focus on my breathing

i will not stay focused and i will think

about what it would be like if i got in

a car crash or what would happen if i

broke a bone or what would happen if one

of my cats got hit by a car i like to

put a blanket around me when i meditate

so that i'm nice and warm and cozy and i

feel like i'm in a cocoon

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this morning we're making an omelette

i'm really picky about what goes in my

omelets because i get grossed out i

can't eat spinach in an omelette because

it's like stringy and chewy and gross

it's so gross

the last few days when i've made

omelettes they've looked bad they've

looked genuinely ugly

it's kind of more like an egg pancake

and i it's definitely burnt so

i am the worst with avocados because i

buy avocados and then i never use them

at the right time and then they all go

bad i i don't think i've cracked open

like a perfectly ripe avocado in six

months every time i open one up it's

like a little rotten and i eat it anyway

but let's see if i have any successful

avocados today

you guys are [ __ ] good luck

you guys are __ good luck

i'm not complaining like this is great

it looks like toddler made it

but my mission for today is that i don't

have any pairs of pants that i really

truly love because none of them really

truly fit me properly except for my

jeans but all my other pants like

there's always something wrong they're

too long they're too short they're not

proportional like something's always

wrong with these pants i decided today

that enough is enough and i'm gonna go

get a bunch of

a bunch of pairs of pants altered

this always happens i always drop [ __ ]

this always happens i always drop __

on this robe this robe is constantly

dirty i should not have a white robe

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this is what i went into my closet and

picked out today okay

that so but i like it like there's

something about this that i like

i also have gas it seemed like i got gas

immediately when i put these pants on

like i did not have gas this morning

so i'm wondering if like my body is

sending me signals saying emma maybe you

shouldn't

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[ __ ] am i wearing right now

__ am i wearing right now

what the [ __ ] this isn't an outfit that

what the __ this isn't an outfit that

no one's gonna see

i'm going to do my daily errands right

now in this [ __ ] outfit this isn't

now in this __ outfit this isn't

like a joke like i'm i'm going out in

the world like this

i mean if you really think about how

often you buy clothes and it doesn't fit

perfectly i mean it's

pretty much 90 of the time especially

with pants because listen i do not have

an ass

okay so in majority of pants it's like

saggy city in my in my butt region

you know i want to show you something

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right i don't know what it is about the

stage in life that i'm in but it really

doesn't take much to make my day the

people in there were just so nice i

don't know i just like liked hanging out

with it maybe i lack a certain level of

social interaction i don't know

something about it was just weirdly

heartwarming but now i'm getting coffee

because i'm

can i do a iced almond macadamia latte

with an extra shot of espresso

holy [ __ ]

holy __

holy

actual [ __ ] okay i need to go to the

actual __ okay i need to go to the

grocery store i'm kind of enjoying my

grand day out and my weird outfit

it's good holy [ __ ] my forehead is

it's good holy __ my forehead is

sweating listen i love wearing the hat

but like it's hot it's too hot like my

i'm getting forehead sweat next level

forehead sweat it's not feeling good

it's not feeling hot

actually it is feeling hot but it's not

feeling like hot

it's feeling like hot

and listen as much as i love feeling hot

i don't like feeling hot do the math but

i also look way better with the hat on

so i'm going to leave it on this outfit

without the hat a [ __ ] train wreck i

without the hat a __ train wreck i

mean it's already a train wreck but if i

was not wearing this hat it would be

like a major train wreck like really bad

oh my god i parked so i parked so badly

there's the

did i get a ticket oh my god parking

enforcement is right there literally

speeding away i didn't get a parking

ticket until i moved to l.a i moved to

ticket until i moved to la i moved to

la and then i got probably 30 parking

tickets within the first year of living

here and then since then i mean the

number has just grown exponentially like

i i'm probably i've probably gotten 60

parking tickets i think i might have

gotten out of this one because i don't

have a parking ticket so they must not

have caught me because i did not pay for

parking let's not be mistaken here i did

not pay for parking

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these strawberries taste like [ __ ]

these strawberries taste like __

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[Applause]

Applause

i was really angry at the grocery store

today because i went to get mini

cucumbers because i like them in my

salads they only had the big cucumbers

so i had to settle they're not the same

the mini cucumbers taste better i hate i

hate these cucumbers many cucumbers are

like a force of nature like they're so

good

you know i'm sorry about what i said

about the cucumbers earlier these are

[ __ ] fine they're pretty much the

__ fine they're pretty much the

exact same it's not as good as a mini

cucumber

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[ __ ]

[ __ ] [ __ ] i'm in a moment of

__ __ i'm in a moment of

debate within my own mind right now i'm

trying to decide if i want to go on a

late night adventure or if i want my

late night adventure to be in my bed the

sun's about to go down this is my

favorite time of day when like the sun's

going down and it's warm out and it's

the summertime

i'm kind of in the mood to go to a party

which never happens not only does it

never happen but every time i go to a

party i hate it so i don't know why i'm

desiring a party right now because it's

like am i sweetheart you know better you

know better

okay sometimes i'm in the mood see it's

so confusing like i confuse myself

because i can't tell if i'm an introvert

or an extrovert sometimes being social

recharges me and then sometimes it

drains me beyond belief

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spicy penne in bed i cook this perfectly

it's perfectly al dente and this never

happens i always either overcook my

pasta or undercook it it just feels good

to do something right every once in a

while this is the life i feel like i

want to go on an adventure but i don't

know what that means like i don't know

what that means where am i going to go

right now it's a wednesday i don't give

a [ __ ] i do not

a __ i do not

literally there's so many different

types of parmesan cheese there's like

grated which is what i always choose but

then there's also the parmesan shred or

um like slices almost what's that called

grated not well it's not grated because

that's grated in slices

okay there's that kind and then there's

like the fake parmesan cheese that's

like like uh like almost like little

dippin dots

anyway the moral of what i'm trying to

say is here is that

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