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Welcome one and all to the late show. I
Welcome one and all to the late show I
your host Steven Colbert. Ladies and
your host Steven Colbert Ladies and
gentlemen,
gentlemen
first of all, first of all, my friends,
first of all first of all my friends
my friends, happy new year. 2026.
my friends happy new year 2026
2026 started with a bang and a boom
2026 started with a bang and a boom
because on it started the night of the
because on it started the night of the
second, right? On the night of January
second right On the night of January
2nd, before Anderson and Andy really had
2nd before Anderson and Andy really had
time to sober up,
time to sober up
this happened.
this happened
>> An astonishing move by President Donald
>> An astonishing move by President Donald
Trump. A surprise attack on Venezuela
Trump A surprise attack on Venezuela
where the country saw elite US forces
where the country saw elite US forces
capture the Venezuelan President
capture the Venezuelan President
Nicolás Maduro and his wife in a brazen
Nicolás Maduro and his wife in a brazen
large-scale strike overnight. The massive
large-scale strike overnight The massive
assault inside Venezuela. New images of
assault inside Venezuela New images of
US forces attacking.
US forces attacking
Explosions lighting up the night sky.
Explosions lighting up the night sky
That country's leader, Nicolás Maduro,
That country's leader Nicolás Maduro
captured by US forces.
captured by US forces
>> Do you know what this means?
>> Do you know what this means
Those Epstein files must be crazy.
Those Epstein files must be crazy
I mean,
I mean
[Applause]
Applause
bomb something.
bomb something
BOMB ANYTHING.
BOMB ANYTHING
This operation launched just two days
This operation launched just two days
into the new year came as a shock,
into the new year came as a shock
especially since, and this is true,
especially since and this is true
Trump's New Year's resolution was peace
Trump's New Year's resolution was peace
on Earth.
on Earth
Well, that didn't last long. And as a
Well that didn't last long And as a
result, neither did my resolution to
result neither did my resolution to
switch to clear liquor.
switch to clear liquor
>> Oh,
>> Oh
I forgot.
I forgot
Uh, I forgot that's not a prop. Okay,
Uh I forgot that's not a prop Okay
so uh, let me catch up. Here's the Tik
so uh let me catch up Here's the Tik
Tok on the debrief. Friday evening uh
Tok on the debrief Friday evening uh
quarter zero dark midnight US armed
quarter zero dark midnight US armed
forces launched a kinetic sort of 150
forces launched a kinetic sort of 150
aircraft against Venezuelan military
aircraft against Venezuelan military
targets and then landed forces to
targets and then landed forces to
capture Venezuelan dictator Nicholas
capture Venezuelan dictator Nicholas
Maduro and his wife Celia Flores in what
Maduro and his wife Celia Flores in what
Pete Hegseth's Department of Defense called
Pete Hegseth's Department of Defense called
Operation Absolute Resolve, which I
Operation Absolute Resolve which I
believe for Hegseth is two parts
believe for Hegseth is two parts
absolute
absolute
one part resolve carpet cleaner
one part resolve carpet cleaner
Get those tough stains out of
Get those tough stains out of
your liver. Now, for the record, Maduro
your liver Now for the record Maduro
is not a good guy. He and his wife were
is not a good guy He and his wife were
charged with drug trafficking and narco-
charged with drug trafficking and narco
terrorism, which lately has been a fast
terrorism which lately has been a fast
track to a pardon. But after after the
track to a pardon But after after the
capture, Trump uh shared this striking
capture Trump uh shared this striking
image of Maduro en route to the United
image of Maduro en route to the United
States. Look at that. That is shocking.
States Look at that That is shocking
He is a ruthless dictator and they still
He is a ruthless dictator and they still
gave him a full bottle of water. And yet
gave him a full bottle of water And yet
I always get the little plastic cup. Do
I always get the little plastic cup Do
better, Delta.
better Delta
Maduro.
Maduro
Maduro and his wife have been sent to a
Maduro and his wife have been sent to a
detention center in Brooklyn that has
detention center in Brooklyn that has
been described as inhumane and hell on
been described as inhumane and hell on
earth. To which New Yorker said, "Okay,
earth To which New Yorker said Okay
but is it walkable to a train? Because
but is it walkable to a train Because
if so, we should at least go see it.
if so we should at least go see it
You know, new wallpaper.
You know new wallpaper
For months, the US has been threatening
For months the US has been threatening
Venezuela. So, why suddenly decide to
Venezuela So why suddenly decide to
snatch their president in what appears
snatch their president in what appears
to be a violation of United States and
to be a violation of United States and
international law? Well, uh, in an
international law Well uh in an
international military conflict of this
international military conflict of this
kind, there there many factors to
kind there there many factors to
consider, but reportedly the last straw
consider but reportedly the last straw
was Maduro's regular public dancing.
was Maduro's regular public dancing
Okay,
Okay
that's a new one.
that's a new one
Let's take a look at the Buddha shake
Let's take a look at the Buddha shake
that launched a thousand ships.
that launched a thousand ships
[Music]
Music
>> Okay, let this to be a warning to every
>> Okay let this to be a warning to every
uncle at a wedding.
uncle at a wedding
Delta Force will take you out.
Delta Force will take you out
This isn't the first time the US has
This isn't the first time the US has
taken military action because of bad
taken military action because of bad
dancing. We all remember this dark day.
dancing We all remember this dark day
>> 9/11 locked.
>> 9/11 locked
>> All
>> All
All six flags flew at half staff.
All six flags flew at half staff
>> But before Trump addressed the American
>> But before Trump addressed the American
people about the strike, he informed the
people about the strike he informed the
nation's highest constitutional officers
nation's highest constitutional officers
Fox and Friends weekend. Ivonne,
Fox and Friends weekend Ivonne
>> if you would have seen what happened, I
>> if you would have seen what happened I
mean, I watched it literally like I was
mean I watched it literally like I was
watching a television show and uh if you
watching a television show and uh if you
would have seen the the speed, the
would have seen the the speed the
violence, you know, they say that the
violence you know they say that the
speed, the violence.
speed the violence
>> Yes, the speed
>> Yes the speed
and the violence,
and the violence
which is what your mom says when she
which is what your mom says when she
can't remember. The fast and the
can't remember The fast and the
furious.
furious
>> Yes, we watched that movie, Bill, didn't
>> Yes we watched that movie Bill didn't
we? We watched the the movie you wanted
we We watched the the movie you wanted
us to watch, kids. We watched that
us to watch kids We watched that
movie, The Speed and the Violence last
movie The Speed and the Violence last
night. Then we watched uh uh Hobbs and
night Then we watched uh uh Hobbs and
Shaw Shank starring what's his name?
Shaw Shank starring what's his name
Dwayne "The Rock" Johnson.
Dwayne The Rock Johnson
We have a photo of Trump watching the
We have a photo of Trump watching the
action go down in a Mara Lago ballroom.
action go down in a Mara Lago ballroom
Apparently, they threw up some pipe and
Apparently they threw up some pipe and
drape uh cuz they were sharing the space
drape uh cuz they were sharing the space
with caterers for the Meerson wedding.
with caterers for the Meerson wedding
I want to point out that
I want to point out that
on the screen in the background of that
on the screen in the background of that
photo is a Twitter search for Venezuela.
photo is a Twitter search for Venezuela
That's how they were just
That's how they were just
searching Twitter. But of course that's
searching Twitter But of course that's
not surprise. Conveying the realities of
not surprise Conveying the realities of
war has always been best achieved on
war has always been best achieved on
social media. As Oppenheimer famously
social media As Oppenheimer famously
said, "I have become #death link in
said I have become #death link in
bio."
bio
All that action. All that action. The
All that action All that action The
all night, the overnight boom-booms must
all night the overnight boom-booms must
have been a lot for all uh pudding pants
have been a lot for all uh pudding pants
because when Trump finally held a press
because when Trump finally held a press
conference to announce the strikes, he
conference to announce the strikes he
took a little snooze behind General Dan
took a little snooze behind General Dan
Kaine. But clearly Trump's healthy as a
Kaine But clearly Trump's healthy as a
horse because they also sleep standing
horse because they also sleep standing
up.
up
So now, really, that's the one that's
So now really that's the one that's
the one.
the one
So, now that the president of Venezuela
So now that the president of Venezuela
has been renditioned to the Gowanus
has been renditioned to the Gowanus
Expressway,
Expressway
everyone's got one question.
everyone's got one question
>> Who will run Venezuela? Who will run the
>> Who will run Venezuela Who will run the
country?
country
>> So, who is going to run Venezuela?
>> So who is going to run Venezuela
>> Well, we still don't know for sure, but
>> Well we still don't know for sure but
chances are it's going to come down to
chances are it's going to come down to
either Paramount or Netflix.
either Paramount or Netflix
All right. Lot of money on the line. Lot
All right Lot of money on the line Lot
of money on the line. I'm happy with
of money on the line I'm happy with
either one. I got no dog in this fight.
either one I got no dog in this fight
Of course, Trump has his plan. We're
Of course Trump has his plan We're
going to run the country until such time
going to run the country until such time
as we can do a safe, proper, and
as we can do a safe proper and
judicious
judicious
transition.
transition
>> Oh,
>> Oh
so this country and Venezuela.
so this country and Venezuela
Evidently, when he says America first,
Evidently when he says America first
he means alphabetically.
he means alphabetically
That's crazy. He can't run two countries
That's crazy He can't run two countries
at once. He can't even run.
at once He can't even run
Many had thought. MANY HAS
Many had thought MANY HAS
MANY many had thought the country would
MANY many had thought the country would
be now led by opposition leader and
be now led by opposition leader and
Nobel Prize winner Maria Karina Machado.
Nobel Prize winner Maria Karina Machado
But Trump refused to back Machado, which
But Trump refused to back Machado which
sources close to the White House said
sources close to the White House said
stemmed from her decision to accept the
stemmed from her decision to accept the
Nobel Peace Prize, claiming that if if
Nobel Peace Prize claiming that if if
she had turned it down and said, "I
she had turned it down and said I
can't accept it because it's Donald
can't accept it because it's Donald
Trump's," she'd be the president of
Trump's she'd be the president of
Venezuela today. But don't worry. No,
Venezuela today But don't worry No
no, no. Do not worry, Miss Machado. You
no no Do not worry Miss Machado You
can fix this simply by promising to
can fix this simply by promising to
change the name of the country to the
change the name of the country to the
Donald J. Trump memorial Venezuela
Donald J Trump memorial Venezuela
and gift shop.
and gift shop
Where was I? Okay. Right now, uh, the
Where was I Okay Right now uh the
leader of Venezuela is Deli Rodriguez,
leader of Venezuela is Deli Rodriguez
who is Maduro's vice president. So,
who is Maduro's vice president So
technically, it's not regime change,
technically it's not regime change
it's regime same. We have arrested
it's regime same We have arrested
Skeletor
Skeletor
and appointed the new leader of
and appointed the new leader of
Attorneyia,
Attorneyia
Mrs. Skeletor.
Mrs Skeletor
Still Skeletor stuff. Still, it's still
Still Skeletor stuff Still it's still
Skeletor stuff, but now it's a lady.
Skeletor stuff but now it's a lady
Skull's got lipstick right here. Little
Skull's got lipstick right here Little
bow. Now Rodriguez may be in charge, but
bow Now Rodriguez may be in charge but
only as long as she does what the US
only as long as she does what the US
wants. Because on Sunday, Trump said if
wants Because on Sunday Trump said if
she doesn't do what's right, she's going
she doesn't do what's right she's going
to pay a very big price. Probably bigger
to pay a very big price Probably bigger
than Maduro. Maduro is in a hell hole in
than Maduro Maduro is in a hell hole in
Brooklyn.
Brooklyn
What's worse than that? Is he going to
What's worse than that Is he going to
send her to Staten Island?
send her to Staten Island
So,
So
love the stat.
love the stat
So, Trump has made it clear if his
So Trump has made it clear if his
puppet doesn't do what he wants, he'll
puppet doesn't do what he wants he'll
install a new puppet. So, what's he
install a new puppet So what's he
want?
want
>> We're going to take back the oil. We'll
>> We're going to take back the oil We'll
be selling oil. Oil. Oil. Oil. Oil. They
be selling oil Oil Oil Oil Oil They
stole our oil.
stole our oil
>> Wow.
>> Wow
That was really poor planning for
That was really poor planning for
someone to put our oil under Venezuela.
someone to put our oil under Venezuela
That's so inconvenient. For the record,
That's so inconvenient For the record
the whole "stole our oil" thing he's
the whole stole our oil thing he's
referring to is Venezuela nationalizing
referring to is Venezuela nationalizing
its domestic oil industry, pushing out
its domestic oil industry pushing out
American companies like ExxonMobil in
American companies like ExxonMobil in
1976.
1976
Thank you, Donald Trump. What other
Thank you Donald Trump What other
wrongs of the Gerald Ford administration
wrongs of the Gerald Ford administration
will you finally make right? Ladies and
will you finally make right Ladies and
gentlemen, I'm here to announce we have
gentlemen I'm here to announce we have
launched a second strike on the F.S.
launched a second strike on the FS
God bless the USA.
God bless the USA
This is thank you. That's me doing Trump
This is thank you That's me doing Trump
doing Winkler.
doing Winkler
This is so much about the oil that even
This is so much about the oil that even
though the administration did not brief
though the administration did not brief
Congress on the strikes, Trump spoke to
Congress on the strikes Trump spoke to
oil companies before taking action in
oil companies before taking action in
Venezuela. But that's not it makes
Venezuela But that's not it makes
sense. That's why the founders
sense That's why the founders
established three co-equal branches of
established three co-equal branches of
government. executive, judicial, and
government executive judicial and
gluglug sweet dinosaur juice.
gluglug sweet dinosaur juice
And to be clear, I can understand why
And to be clear I can understand why
he's so interested because Venezuela has
he's so interested because Venezuela has
got a ton of the stuff. The country is
got a ton of the stuff The country is
home to the world's largest oil
home to the world's largest oil
reserves, second only to a single slice
reserves second only to a single slice
of pizza hut.
of pizza hut
They're going to have to lay a napkin
They're going to have to lay a napkin
over the whole country.
over the whole country
Now, invading a country with a mustachio
Now invading a country with a mustachio
dictator and saying, "Don't worry, their
dictator and saying Don't worry their
oil will pay for this war." is kind of
oil will pay for this war is kind of
where I got on this train 20 plus years
where I got on this train 20 plus years
ago. It didn't work then and I doubt
ago It didn't work then and I doubt
it's going to work now. And I hope the
it's going to work now And I hope the
American people don't fall for this a
American people don't fall for this a
second time. Never forget these wise
second time Never forget these wise
words.
words
>> Fool me once.
>> Fool me once
Shame on.
Shame on
Shame on you.
Shame on you
It fooled me. We can't get fooled again.
It fooled me We can't get fooled again
[Applause]
Applause
I miss you.
I miss you
>> We got a great show for you tonight. My
>> We got a great show for you tonight My
guests are Ethan Hawk and Julia Yafi.
guests are Ethan Hawk and Julia Yafi
And when we come back, some exciting
And when we come back some exciting
announcements from the band. Stick
announcements from the band Stick
around.
around
Heat. Heat.
Heat Heat
[Music]
Music
[Applause]
Applause
[Music]
Music
[Applause]
Applause
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