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Welcome one and all to the late show. I
Welcome
one
and
all
to
the
late
show
I
your host Steven Colbert. Ladies and
your
host
Steven
Colbert
Ladies
and
gentlemen,
gentlemen
first of all, first of all, my friends,
first
of
all
first
of
all
my
friends
my friends, happy new year. 2026.
my
friends
happy
new
year
2026
2026 started with a bang and a boom
2026
started
with
a
bang
and
a
boom
because on it started the night of the
because
on
it
started
the
night
of
the
second, right? On the night of January
second
right
On
the
night
of
January
2nd, before Anderson and Andy really had
2nd
before
Anderson
and
Andy
really
had
time to sober up,
time
to
sober
up
this happened.
this
happened
>> An astonishing move by President Donald
>>
An
astonishing
move
by
President
Donald
Trump. A surprise attack on Venezuela
Trump
A
surprise
attack
on
Venezuela
where the country saw elite US forces
where
the
country
saw
elite
US
forces
capture the Venezuelan President
capture
the
Venezuelan
President
Nicolás Maduro and his wife in a brazen
Nicolás
Maduro
and
his
wife
in
a
brazen
large-scale strike overnight. The massive
large-scale
strike
overnight
The
massive
assault inside Venezuela. New images of
assault
inside
Venezuela
New
images
of
US forces attacking.
US
forces
attacking
Explosions lighting up the night sky.
Explosions
lighting
up
the
night
sky
That country's leader, Nicolás Maduro,
That
country's
leader
Nicolás
Maduro
captured by US forces.
captured
by
US
forces
>> Do you know what this means?
>>
Do
you
know
what
this
means
Those Epstein files must be crazy.
Those
Epstein
files
must
be
crazy
I mean,
I
mean
[Applause]
Applause
bomb something.
bomb
something
BOMB ANYTHING.
BOMB
ANYTHING
This operation launched just two days
This
operation
launched
just
two
days
into the new year came as a shock,
into
the
new
year
came
as
a
shock
especially since, and this is true,
especially
since
and
this
is
true
Trump's New Year's resolution was peace
Trump's
New
Year's
resolution
was
peace
on Earth.
on
Earth
Well, that didn't last long. And as a
Well
that
didn't
last
long
And
as
a
result, neither did my resolution to
result
neither
did
my
resolution
to
switch to clear liquor.
switch
to
clear
liquor
>> Oh,
>>
Oh
I forgot.
I
forgot
Uh, I forgot that's not a prop. Okay,
Uh
I
forgot
that's
not
a
prop
Okay
so uh, let me catch up. Here's the Tik
so
uh
let
me
catch
up
Here's
the
Tik
Tok on the debrief. Friday evening uh
Tok
on
the
debrief
Friday
evening
uh
quarter zero dark midnight US armed
quarter
zero
dark
midnight
US
armed
forces launched a kinetic sort of 150
forces
launched
a
kinetic
sort
of
150
aircraft against Venezuelan military
aircraft
against
Venezuelan
military
targets and then landed forces to
targets
and
then
landed
forces
to
capture Venezuelan dictator Nicholas
capture
Venezuelan
dictator
Nicholas
Maduro and his wife Celia Flores in what
Maduro
and
his
wife
Celia
Flores
in
what
Pete Hegseth's Department of Defense called
Pete
Hegseth's
Department
of
Defense
called
Operation Absolute Resolve, which I
Operation
Absolute
Resolve
which
I
believe for Hegseth is two parts
believe
for
Hegseth
is
two
parts
absolute
absolute
one part resolve carpet cleaner
one
part
resolve
carpet
cleaner
Get those tough stains out of
Get
those
tough
stains
out
of
your liver. Now, for the record, Maduro
your
liver
Now
for
the
record
Maduro
is not a good guy. He and his wife were
is
not
a
good
guy
He
and
his
wife
were
charged with drug trafficking and narco-
charged
with
drug
trafficking
and
narco
terrorism, which lately has been a fast
terrorism
which
lately
has
been
a
fast
track to a pardon. But after after the
track
to
a
pardon
But
after
after
the
capture, Trump uh shared this striking
capture
Trump
uh
shared
this
striking
image of Maduro en route to the United
image
of
Maduro
en
route
to
the
United
States. Look at that. That is shocking.
States
Look
at
that
That
is
shocking
He is a ruthless dictator and they still
He
is
a
ruthless
dictator
and
they
still
gave him a full bottle of water. And yet
gave
him
a
full
bottle
of
water
And
yet
I always get the little plastic cup. Do
I
always
get
the
little
plastic
cup
Do
better, Delta.
better
Delta
Maduro.
Maduro
Maduro and his wife have been sent to a
Maduro
and
his
wife
have
been
sent
to
a
detention center in Brooklyn that has
detention
center
in
Brooklyn
that
has
been described as inhumane and hell on
been
described
as
inhumane
and
hell
on
earth. To which New Yorker said, "Okay,
earth
To
which
New
Yorker
said
Okay
but is it walkable to a train? Because
but
is
it
walkable
to
a
train
Because
if so, we should at least go see it.
if
so
we
should
at
least
go
see
it
You know, new wallpaper.
You
know
new
wallpaper
For months, the US has been threatening
For
months
the
US
has
been
threatening
Venezuela. So, why suddenly decide to
Venezuela
So
why
suddenly
decide
to
snatch their president in what appears
snatch
their
president
in
what
appears
to be a violation of United States and
to
be
a
violation
of
United
States
and
international law? Well, uh, in an
international
law
Well
uh
in
an
international military conflict of this
international
military
conflict
of
this
kind, there there many factors to
kind
there
there
many
factors
to
consider, but reportedly the last straw
consider
but
reportedly
the
last
straw
was Maduro's regular public dancing.
was
Maduro's
regular
public
dancing
Okay,
Okay
that's a new one.
that's
a
new
one
Let's take a look at the Buddha shake
Let's
take
a
look
at
the
Buddha
shake
that launched a thousand ships.
that
launched
a
thousand
ships
[Music]
Music
>> Okay, let this to be a warning to every
>>
Okay
let
this
to
be
a
warning
to
every
uncle at a wedding.
uncle
at
a
wedding
Delta Force will take you out.
Delta
Force
will
take
you
out
This isn't the first time the US has
This
isn't
the
first
time
the
US
has
taken military action because of bad
taken
military
action
because
of
bad
dancing. We all remember this dark day.
dancing
We
all
remember
this
dark
day
>> 9/11 locked.
>>
9/11
locked
>> All
>>
All
All six flags flew at half staff.
All
six
flags
flew
at
half
staff
>> But before Trump addressed the American
>>
But
before
Trump
addressed
the
American
people about the strike, he informed the
people
about
the
strike
he
informed
the
nation's highest constitutional officers
nation's
highest
constitutional
officers
Fox and Friends weekend. Ivonne,
Fox
and
Friends
weekend
Ivonne
>> if you would have seen what happened, I
>>
if
you
would
have
seen
what
happened
I
mean, I watched it literally like I was
mean
I
watched
it
literally
like
I
was
watching a television show and uh if you
watching
a
television
show
and
uh
if
you
would have seen the the speed, the
would
have
seen
the
the
speed
the
violence, you know, they say that the
violence
you
know
they
say
that
the
speed, the violence.
speed
the
violence
>> Yes, the speed
>>
Yes
the
speed
and the violence,
and
the
violence
which is what your mom says when she
which
is
what
your
mom
says
when
she
can't remember. The fast and the
can't
remember
The
fast
and
the
furious.
furious
>> Yes, we watched that movie, Bill, didn't
>>
Yes
we
watched
that
movie
Bill
didn't
we? We watched the the movie you wanted
we
We
watched
the
the
movie
you
wanted
us to watch, kids. We watched that
us
to
watch
kids
We
watched
that
movie, The Speed and the Violence last
movie
The
Speed
and
the
Violence
last
night. Then we watched uh uh Hobbs and
night
Then
we
watched
uh
uh
Hobbs
and
Shaw Shank starring what's his name?
Shaw
Shank
starring
what's
his
name
Dwayne "The Rock" Johnson.
Dwayne
The
Rock
Johnson
We have a photo of Trump watching the
We
have
a
photo
of
Trump
watching
the
action go down in a Mara Lago ballroom.
action
go
down
in
a
Mara
Lago
ballroom
Apparently, they threw up some pipe and
Apparently
they
threw
up
some
pipe
and
drape uh cuz they were sharing the space
drape
uh
cuz
they
were
sharing
the
space
with caterers for the Meerson wedding.
with
caterers
for
the
Meerson
wedding
I want to point out that
I
want
to
point
out
that
on the screen in the background of that
on
the
screen
in
the
background
of
that
photo is a Twitter search for Venezuela.
photo
is
a
Twitter
search
for
Venezuela
That's how they were just
That's
how
they
were
just
searching Twitter. But of course that's
searching
Twitter
But
of
course
that's
not surprise. Conveying the realities of
not
surprise
Conveying
the
realities
of
war has always been best achieved on
war
has
always
been
best
achieved
on
social media. As Oppenheimer famously
social
media
As
Oppenheimer
famously
said, "I have become #death link in
said
I
have
become
#death
link
in
bio."
bio
All that action. All that action. The
All
that
action
All
that
action
The
all night, the overnight boom-booms must
all
night
the
overnight
boom-booms
must
have been a lot for all uh pudding pants
have
been
a
lot
for
all
uh
pudding
pants
because when Trump finally held a press
because
when
Trump
finally
held
a
press
conference to announce the strikes, he
conference
to
announce
the
strikes
he
took a little snooze behind General Dan
took
a
little
snooze
behind
General
Dan
Kaine. But clearly Trump's healthy as a
Kaine
But
clearly
Trump's
healthy
as
a
horse because they also sleep standing
horse
because
they
also
sleep
standing
up.
up
So now, really, that's the one that's
So
now
really
that's
the
one
that's
the one.
the
one
So, now that the president of Venezuela
So
now
that
the
president
of
Venezuela
has been renditioned to the Gowanus
has
been
renditioned
to
the
Gowanus
Expressway,
Expressway
everyone's got one question.
everyone's
got
one
question
>> Who will run Venezuela? Who will run the
>>
Who
will
run
Venezuela
Who
will
run
the
country?
country
>> So, who is going to run Venezuela?
>>
So
who
is
going
to
run
Venezuela
>> Well, we still don't know for sure, but
>>
Well
we
still
don't
know
for
sure
but
chances are it's going to come down to
chances
are
it's
going
to
come
down
to
either Paramount or Netflix.
either
Paramount
or
Netflix
All right. Lot of money on the line. Lot
All
right
Lot
of
money
on
the
line
Lot
of money on the line. I'm happy with
of
money
on
the
line
I'm
happy
with
either one. I got no dog in this fight.
either
one
I
got
no
dog
in
this
fight
Of course, Trump has his plan. We're
Of
course
Trump
has
his
plan
We're
going to run the country until such time
going
to
run
the
country
until
such
time
as we can do a safe, proper, and
as
we
can
do
a
safe
proper
and
judicious
judicious
transition.
transition
>> Oh,
>>
Oh
so this country and Venezuela.
so
this
country
and
Venezuela
Evidently, when he says America first,
Evidently
when
he
says
America
first
he means alphabetically.
he
means
alphabetically
That's crazy. He can't run two countries
That's
crazy
He
can't
run
two
countries
at once. He can't even run.
at
once
He
can't
even
run
Many had thought. MANY HAS
Many
had
thought
MANY
HAS
MANY many had thought the country would
MANY
many
had
thought
the
country
would
be now led by opposition leader and
be
now
led
by
opposition
leader
and
Nobel Prize winner Maria Karina Machado.
Nobel
Prize
winner
Maria
Karina
Machado
But Trump refused to back Machado, which
But
Trump
refused
to
back
Machado
which
sources close to the White House said
sources
close
to
the
White
House
said
stemmed from her decision to accept the
stemmed
from
her
decision
to
accept
the
Nobel Peace Prize, claiming that if if
Nobel
Peace
Prize
claiming
that
if
if
she had turned it down and said, "I
she
had
turned
it
down
and
said
I
can't accept it because it's Donald
can't
accept
it
because
it's
Donald
Trump's," she'd be the president of
Trump's
she'd
be
the
president
of
Venezuela today. But don't worry. No,
Venezuela
today
But
don't
worry
No
no, no. Do not worry, Miss Machado. You
no
no
Do
not
worry
Miss
Machado
You
can fix this simply by promising to
can
fix
this
simply
by
promising
to
change the name of the country to the
change
the
name
of
the
country
to
the
Donald J. Trump memorial Venezuela
Donald
J
Trump
memorial
Venezuela
and gift shop.
and
gift
shop
Where was I? Okay. Right now, uh, the
Where
was
I
Okay
Right
now
uh
the
leader of Venezuela is Deli Rodriguez,
leader
of
Venezuela
is
Deli
Rodriguez
who is Maduro's vice president. So,
who
is
Maduro's
vice
president
So
technically, it's not regime change,
technically
it's
not
regime
change
it's regime same. We have arrested
it's
regime
same
We
have
arrested
Skeletor
Skeletor
and appointed the new leader of
and
appointed
the
new
leader
of
Attorneyia,
Attorneyia
Mrs. Skeletor.
Mrs
Skeletor
Still Skeletor stuff. Still, it's still
Still
Skeletor
stuff
Still
it's
still
Skeletor stuff, but now it's a lady.
Skeletor
stuff
but
now
it's
a
lady
Skull's got lipstick right here. Little
Skull's
got
lipstick
right
here
Little
bow. Now Rodriguez may be in charge, but
bow
Now
Rodriguez
may
be
in
charge
but
only as long as she does what the US
only
as
long
as
she
does
what
the
US
wants. Because on Sunday, Trump said if
wants
Because
on
Sunday
Trump
said
if
she doesn't do what's right, she's going
she
doesn't
do
what's
right
she's
going
to pay a very big price. Probably bigger
to
pay
a
very
big
price
Probably
bigger
than Maduro. Maduro is in a hell hole in
than
Maduro
Maduro
is
in
a
hell
hole
in
Brooklyn.
Brooklyn
What's worse than that? Is he going to
What's
worse
than
that
Is
he
going
to
send her to Staten Island?
send
her
to
Staten
Island
So,
So
love the stat.
love
the
stat
So, Trump has made it clear if his
So
Trump
has
made
it
clear
if
his
puppet doesn't do what he wants, he'll
puppet
doesn't
do
what
he
wants
he'll
install a new puppet. So, what's he
install
a
new
puppet
So
what's
he
want?
want
>> We're going to take back the oil. We'll
>>
We're
going
to
take
back
the
oil
We'll
be selling oil. Oil. Oil. Oil. Oil. They
be
selling
oil
Oil
Oil
Oil
Oil
They
stole our oil.
stole
our
oil
>> Wow.
>>
Wow
That was really poor planning for
That
was
really
poor
planning
for
someone to put our oil under Venezuela.
someone
to
put
our
oil
under
Venezuela
That's so inconvenient. For the record,
That's
so
inconvenient
For
the
record
the whole "stole our oil" thing he's
the
whole
stole
our
oil
thing
he's
referring to is Venezuela nationalizing
referring
to
is
Venezuela
nationalizing
its domestic oil industry, pushing out
its
domestic
oil
industry
pushing
out
American companies like ExxonMobil in
American
companies
like
ExxonMobil
in
1976.
1976
Thank you, Donald Trump. What other
Thank
you
Donald
Trump
What
other
wrongs of the Gerald Ford administration
wrongs
of
the
Gerald
Ford
administration
will you finally make right? Ladies and
will
you
finally
make
right
Ladies
and
gentlemen, I'm here to announce we have
gentlemen
I'm
here
to
announce
we
have
launched a second strike on the F.S.
launched
a
second
strike
on
the
FS
God bless the USA.
God
bless
the
USA
This is thank you. That's me doing Trump
This
is
thank
you
That's
me
doing
Trump
doing Winkler.
doing
Winkler
This is so much about the oil that even
This
is
so
much
about
the
oil
that
even
though the administration did not brief
though
the
administration
did
not
brief
Congress on the strikes, Trump spoke to
Congress
on
the
strikes
Trump
spoke
to
oil companies before taking action in
oil
companies
before
taking
action
in
Venezuela. But that's not it makes
Venezuela
But
that's
not
it
makes
sense. That's why the founders
sense
That's
why
the
founders
established three co-equal branches of
established
three
co-equal
branches
of
government. executive, judicial, and
government
executive
judicial
and
gluglug sweet dinosaur juice.
gluglug
sweet
dinosaur
juice
And to be clear, I can understand why
And
to
be
clear
I
can
understand
why
he's so interested because Venezuela has
he's
so
interested
because
Venezuela
has
got a ton of the stuff. The country is
got
a
ton
of
the
stuff
The
country
is
home to the world's largest oil
home
to
the
world's
largest
oil
reserves, second only to a single slice
reserves
second
only
to
a
single
slice
of pizza hut.
of
pizza
hut
They're going to have to lay a napkin
They're
going
to
have
to
lay
a
napkin
over the whole country.
over
the
whole
country
Now, invading a country with a mustachio
Now
invading
a
country
with
a
mustachio
dictator and saying, "Don't worry, their
dictator
and
saying
Don't
worry
their
oil will pay for this war." is kind of
oil
will
pay
for
this
war
is
kind
of
where I got on this train 20 plus years
where
I
got
on
this
train
20
plus
years
ago. It didn't work then and I doubt
ago
It
didn't
work
then
and
I
doubt
it's going to work now. And I hope the
it's
going
to
work
now
And
I
hope
the
American people don't fall for this a
American
people
don't
fall
for
this
a
second time. Never forget these wise
second
time
Never
forget
these
wise
words.
words
>> Fool me once.
>>
Fool
me
once
Shame on.
Shame
on
Shame on you.
Shame
on
you
It fooled me. We can't get fooled again.
It
fooled
me
We
can't
get
fooled
again
[Applause]
Applause
I miss you.
I
miss
you
>> We got a great show for you tonight. My
>>
We
got
a
great
show
for
you
tonight
My
guests are Ethan Hawk and Julia Yafi.
guests
are
Ethan
Hawk
and
Julia
Yafi
And when we come back, some exciting
And
when
we
come
back
some
exciting
announcements from the band. Stick
announcements
from
the
band
Stick
around.
around
Heat. Heat.
Heat
Heat
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