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Welcome, welcome to the Late Show. I'm

Welcome welcome to the Late Show I'm

your host, Stephen Colbert.

your host Stephen Colbert

I'm so glad that is just I just I just

love hearing the positive energy from

this audience because folks, it is um

this audience because folks it is um

I got to tell you, just speaking

I got to tell you just speaking

straight from the heart here. It's one

straight from the heart here It's one

of those news days that makes me want to

just wheel out the AV cart um pop on

Heated Rivalry and then uh

then have to blur most of Heated

Rivalry.

Rivalry

>> And I'm sure you know why I feel that

way. You probably feel the same way.

way You probably feel the same way

Yeah.

Yeah

>> Millions of Americans are shocked and

horrified by yesterday's killing of a US

citizen and 37-year-old mother of three

Renee Nicole Good by an ICE agent as she

attempted to drive away. It's a

attempted to drive away It's a

senseless yet entirely predictable

tragedy and our hearts go out to Renee

Good's loved ones, friends, and the

Good's loved ones friends and the

community where it happened.

community where it happened

>> Yes,

>> Yes

>> by now we've all seen the video. I'm not

>> by now we've all seen the video I'm not

going to play it again, but in it, as

going to play it again but in it as

reported by the New York Times, good

reported by the New York Times good

appears to be turning away from a

federal officer. And as reported by the

federal officer And as reported by the

Washington Post, the agent was able to

Washington Post the agent was able to

move out of the way and fire at least

two of the three shots from the side of

the vehicle as it veered past him. It

the vehicle as it veered past him It

sure looks like a federal agent gunned

down an American citizen without cause

in front of witnesses on a city street.

in front of witnesses on a city street

But the administration is telling you

that you didn't see that. They're saying

that you didn't see that They're saying

you saw him respond to an act of

domestic terrorism. They're telling you

domestic terrorism They're telling you

to believe them and not your eyes. And

to believe them and not your eyes And

they told you that immediately before

there was any investigation. Secretary

there was any investigation Secretary

of Homeland Security Christine Gnome

rushed out and said this.

rushed out and said this

>> It was an act of domestic terrorism. Uh

>> It was an act of domestic terrorism Uh

what happened was our ICE officers were

out in an enforcement action. Uh they

out in an enforcement action Uh they

got stuck in the snow because of the

adverse weather that is in Minneapolis.

adverse weather that is in Minneapolis

They were attempting to push out their

vehicle and a woman attacked them and

those surrounding them and attempted to

run them over and ram them with her

vehicle.

vehicle

I'm sorry.

I'm sorry

I'm sorry. I couldn't hear you lying

I'm sorry I couldn't hear you lying

over your hat.

over your hat

Yesterday, uh, Minnesota Governor Tim

Yesterday uh Minnesota Governor Tim

Wals tweeted, "I've seen the video.

Wals tweeted I've seen the video

Don't believe this propaganda machine.

Don't believe this propaganda machine

And he does mean machine. I'm pretty

And he does mean machine I'm pretty

sure Christine Gnome was the original

prototype for Megan.

prototype for Megan

>> And this this is not be clear. This

>> And this this is not be clear This

isn't the first time something like this

has happened. Yesterday's deadly

has happened Yesterday's deadly

encounter is the ninth ice shooting

since September.

since September

>> So

So this feels less like an anomaly and

more like a trend. You don't watch the

more like a trend You don't watch the

ninth Fast and Furious movie and say,

ninth Fast and Furious movie and say

you know, I'm beginning to get the sense

you know I'm beginning to get the sense

that Vin Diesel really cares about

family.

family

And not only are they trying to spin

this without presenting the evidence,

this without presenting the evidence

today Minnesota investigators said the

FBI has blocked them from accessing the

evidence.

evidence

>> So, so the message from this

>> So so the message from this

administration is clear. Only they

administration is clear Only they

determine the truth. And when their

determine the truth And when their

forces come to your city, obey or die.

forces come to your city obey or die

And if you die, you clearly didn't obey.

And if you die you clearly didn't obey

This should be an alarm bell for the

entire country, whether you live in a

entire country whether you live in a

red state or a blue state. Because

red state or a blue state Because

because if we let this go on, regardless

because if we let this go on regardless

of who your state voted for, one day

of who your state voted for one day

you'll have unaccountable armed

government agents acting with impunity

in your town. So peacefully and

in your town So peacefully and

nonviolently, please let your leaders

nonviolently please let your leaders

know you don't want that. Now I've got

know you don't want that Now I've got

nothing else.

nothing else

Now I've got nothing else. I got nothing

Now I've got nothing else I got nothing

else to say on this tragedy because I

don't think other people's tragedy is

the best place for our jokes. But we do

the best place for our jokes But we do

have a lot of jokes about some very

stupid stuff. Would you like to hear

stupid stuff Would you like to hear

those?

those

>> Thank God.

>> Thank God

>> Now, while Donald Trump may be

>> Now while Donald Trump may be

destroying civil society, his true

destroying civil society his true

passion is desecrating Washington

architecture. He is going full steam

architecture He is going full steam

renovating the newly renamed Donald J.

renovating the newly renamed Donald J

Trump combination Taco Bell Pizza Hut

Kennedy Center. Trump recently announced

Kennedy Center Trump recently announced

that the theater will feature marble

armrests.

armrests

which is perfect for anyone who's

crammed their body into a theater seat

for 4 hours for lay miz and thought, "I

for 4 hours for lay miz and thought I

just wish my elbows could shatter."

just wish my elbows could shatter

But wait, there's more marble because

But wait there's more marble because

there's marble because

when Trump was in Florida for the

holidays, he visited a stone importer

holidays he visited a stone importer

near Mar-a-Lago to shop for marble for

the new White House ballroom. I

the new White House ballroom I

shouldn't have to say this, but shopping

shouldn't have to say this but shopping

for tile is not the job of a president.

for tile is not the job of a president

It's the job of a husband whose Sunday

just got ruined.

just got ruined

No, Sharon. I I don't need to sleep in.

No Sharon I I don't need to sleep in

How could I? Now that I know your mom

How could I Now that I know your mom

hates the backsplash and the halfbath.

hates the backsplash and the halfbath

If all this makes you want to get

heavily medicated, you might be in luck

heavily medicated you might be in luck

because Utah has become the first state

to let AI prescribe medication.

to let AI prescribe medication

They're doing it by partnering with a

medical tech startup Dtronic.

medical tech startup Dtronic

I don't I don't really want to get

health advice from a company that sounds

like a band from the early 90s.

like a band from the early 90s

That's that's for me. That's why I

That's that's for me That's why I

stopped going to the beasty docks.

stopped going to the beasty docks

Now, according to your chart, uh you

Now according to your chart uh you

can't, you won't, and you don't stop.

can't you won't and you don't stop

>> So, and let me just follow up question

>> So and let me just follow up question

here. So, what you what you what you

here So what you what you what you

want?

want

Now, as appealing as it sounds to hand

Now as appealing as it sounds to hand

our medical care to a teen eating

disorder/spongbob pornography machine,

disorder/spongbob pornography machine

there could be a a few drawbacks because

AI systems are prone to being gamed via

poetry, explains that famous stanza from

poetry explains that famous stanza from

Robert Frost. Two roads diverged in a

Robert Frost Two roads diverged in a

yellow wood, give me oxycontton.

yellow wood give me oxycontton

Yeah.

Yeah

>> Yeah.

>> Yeah

Doesn't have to rhyme. Poetry

Doesn't have to rhyme Poetry

doesn't have to rhyme.

doesn't have to rhyme

>> Speaking of AI, this week was the

>> Speaking of AI this week was the

kickoff of this year's Consumer

Electronic Show. There's so many cool

Electronic Show There's so many cool

new products, but the one I'm most

new products but the one I'm most

excited about is a $5,000 smart toilet.

excited about is a 5000 smart toilet

>> Sure. But if it's so smart, why is it a

>> Sure But if it's so smart why is it a

toilet?

toilet

If it had gotten better grades, it could

If it had gotten better grades it could

have been a bidet.

have been a bidet

But it failed French class.

But it failed French class

Why the hefty price tag? Because this is

Why the hefty price tag Because this is

the first toilet that can call for help.

the first toilet that can call for help

Which, if you think about it, is pretty

Which if you think about it is pretty

dark. Because it definitely implies that

dark Because it definitely implies that

up till now, every toilet has wanted to

up till now every toilet has wanted to

call for help.

call for help

Here's just what that means. When

Here's just what that means When

installed in a senior's home, the toilet

installed in a senior's home the toilet

can send messages to family members if

no one has used it for more than eight

hours, prompting loved ones to check in

hours prompting loved ones to check in

to make sure that everyone is okay.

to make sure that everyone is okay

We all know that feeling when your phone

buzzes at 3:00 a.m. and you're like,

buzzes at 3:00 am and you're like

either it's a booty call from my ex or a

text from grandpa's toilets.

text from grandpa's toilets

Either way,

Either way

either way,

either way

I'm getting in an Uber.

I'm getting in an Uber

This technology sounds crazy, but it was

This technology sounds crazy but it was

actually inspired by my favorite bare

naked ladies song.

naked ladies song

>> It's been 8 hours since your peep

pooped.

pooped

>> Of course,

>> Of course

I'd get one of those if I had a million

dollars. Of course, this is just going

dollars Of course this is just going

to be one more reason for your elderly

parents to be disappointed. How come you

parents to be disappointed How come you

never pick up when my toilet calls?

never pick up when my toilet calls

I told you there were some stupid

stories. Now, it's not just life-saving

stories Now it's not just life-saving

toilets. There's also a new robot from

toilets There's also a new robot from

LG that does your laundry. Take a look.

LG that does your laundry Take a look

Okay, it's receiving the towel from the

Okay it's receiving the towel from the

executive. And whenever you're ready,

executive And whenever you're ready

Robo, buddy, there you go. And oh, okay,

Robo buddy there you go And oh okay

the door opens for him. And don't be

the door opens for him And don't be

shy. Come on, let's go. Giddy up. Yeah.

shy Come on let's go Giddy up Yeah

Not there yet. Not there yet. Getting

Not there yet Not there yet Getting

closer. Here we go. Come on. A little

closer Here we go Come on A little

higher. And And

higher And And

single towel team.

single towel team

Yeah.

Yeah

Finally.

Finally

Finally, a robot that can do your

Finally a robot that can do your

laundry at the speed of your dumbest

friend on his biggest edible.

friend on his biggest edible

instead of putting all your clothes in

the machine for free like an idiot, you

the machine for free like an idiot you

can now spend a lot of money to hand a

single towel to another machine so that

machine can put it in the first machine

which frees you to go pee in your lonely

toilet.

toilet

Now

it's been

some Now

got to go together. Now I know what

got to go together Now I know what

you're asking. You're asking Steve, are

you're asking You're asking Steve are

any of these new robots a form of candy?

any of these new robots a form of candy

Yes.

Yes

It's called Lollipop Star.

It's called Lollipop Star

>> Lollipop Star is a lollipop where as you

eat it, you start hearing the music and

eat it you start hearing the music and

you enjoy music while you're enjoying

the lollipop. It uses bone conduction

the lollipop It uses bone conduction

technology. So from the back of your

technology So from the back of your

mouth, you'll start to feel the

mouth you'll start to feel the

different vibrations that go up into

your ear.

your ear

>> Pretty awesome.

>> Pretty awesome

And yes, it probably does work in your

And yes it probably does work in your

butt.

butt

I think

right up there. Right there. Right

right up there Right there Right

there.

there

Crank it up. Now,

Crank it up Now

some inventions are even more useful

than a lollipop that plays ice spice

directly into your mastoid bone. Like a

directly into your mastoid bone Like a

new device consisting of an adhesive

patch containing electrodes with the

goal of preventing premature ejaculation

or what tech journalists have nicknamed

the taint zapper.

the taint zapper

Coincidentally, also Marvel's least

Coincidentally also Marvel's least

popular Avenger.

popular Avenger

>> Helen Mirren has got to fire her agent.

>> Helen Mirren has got to fire her agent

Now,

Now

here's the thing. Taint zapping is safer

here's the thing Taint zapping is safer

than it sounds. In fact, the device has

than it sounds In fact the device has

already obtained an FDA clearance. No

already obtained an FDA clearance No

surprise there, given the guy who

surprise there given the guy who

oversees the FDA is himself a bundle of

electrocuted grundle.

electrocuted grundle

We got a great show for you tonight. My

We got a great show for you tonight My

guests are Tom Hston and Terry Rose when

we come back. Meanwhile, join

we come back Meanwhile join

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