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Welcome one and all in here, out there,
Welcome
one
and
all
in
here
out
there
all around the world to the Late Show.
all
around
the
world
to
the
Late
Show
I'm your host Steven Colbert. [cheering]
I'm
your
host
Steven
Colbert
cheering
What's up?
What's
up
I want to I first I want to start off by
I
want
to
I
first
I
want
to
start
off
by
wishing everybody a happy Cyber Monday.
wishing
everybody
a
happy
Cyber
Monday
Thank you. Thank you for uh glancing up
Thank
you
Thank
you
for
uh
glancing
up
from your phone to see my face. Now, get
from
your
phone
to
see
my
face
Now
get
back in there. There's a sale on those
back
in
there
There's
a
sale
on
those
rings that tell you you're not getting
rings
that
tell
you
you're
not
getting
enough sleep. Of [laughter]
enough
sleep
Of
laughter
course, holiday deals kicked off uh on
course
holiday
deals
kicked
off
uh
on
Friday, and when there's cash, the
Friday
and
when
there's
cash
the
president be grabbing. Last week,
president
be
grabbing
Last
week
last week, he sent an email to
last
week
he
sent
an
email
to
supporters that said, "To celebrate
supporters
that
said
To
celebrate
Black Friday, President Trump decided to
Black
Friday
President
Trump
decided
to
reduce the price of his iconic red MAGA
reduce
the
price
of
his
iconic
red
MAGA
hat ornament to just $37."
hat
ornament
to
just
37
That's right. For a limited time only,
That's
right
For
a
limited
time
only
he dramatically reduced the price of his
he
dramatically
reduced
the
price
of
his
famed hat ornament, which previously was
famed
hat
ornament
which
previously
was
available only on his website, from $30.
available
only
on
his
website
from
30
[applause]
applause
So, Trump's Black Friday deal is to
So
Trump's
Black
Friday
deal
is
to
charge you more. But wait, there's less.
charge
you
more
But
wait
there's
less
Call now [laughter] and while you're on
Call
now
laughter
and
while
you're
on
the phone, I'll sneak into your house,
the
phone
I'll
sneak
into
your
house
steal some stuff, and put your pet in
steal
some
stuff
and
put
your
pet
in
the dishwasher. [cheering and laughter]
the
dishwasher
cheering
and
laughter
But that's not all. Trump sent another
But
that's
not
all
Trump
sent
another
email promising a new low price on a
email
promising
a
new
low
price
on
a
Trump calendar for $32, which is
Trump
calendar
for
32
which
is
available on his website for $25.
available
on
his
website
for
25
Okay, but for those extra seven bucks,
Okay
but
for
those
extra
seven
bucks
they throw in an MP3 of Lee Greenwood
they
throw
in
an
MP3
of
Lee
Greenwood
singing all the dates. I'm proud to be
singing
all
the
dates
I'm
proud
to
be
your calendar. Starting with January.
your
calendar
Starting
with
January
The first is first, the second is next,
The
first
is
first
the
second
is
next
and then comes number three. and number
and
then
comes
number
three
and
number
four, five, and sometimes six. Seven
four
five
and
sometimes
six
Seven
could be next.
could
be
next
MAGA folks are starting to notice that
MAGA
folks
are
starting
to
notice
that
Trump treats them like meat animals.
Trump
treats
them
like
meat
animals
According to one Trump ally, people
According
to
one
Trump
ally
people
voted for him to lower prices, to bring
voted
for
him
to
lower
prices
to
bring
manufacturing back, to stand up to those
manufacturing
back
to
stand
up
to
those
taking advantage of them. They didn't
taking
advantage
of
them
They
didn't
vote for him to build a damn gilded
vote
for
him
to
build
a
damn
gilded
ballroom. Ah, okay.
ballroom
Ah
okay
I'll have you know that the entire
I'll
have
you
know
that
the
entire
purpose of that ballroom is to serve the
purpose
of
that
ballroom
is
to
serve
the
poor and they will be delicious.
poor
and
they
will
be
delicious
Now, oh, oh,
Now
oh
oh
you elitist don't think poor people will
you
elitist
don't
think
poor
people
will
be delicious.
be
delicious
How dare you?
How
dare
you
Americans are well marbled.
Americans
are
well
marbled
Trump celebrated Thanksgiving in his
Trump
celebrated
Thanksgiving
in
his
traditional way with racism. He posted
traditional
way
with
racism
He
posted
an anti-immigrant rant that was so long
an
anti-immigrant
rant
that
was
so
long
he had to put in a dot dot dot, take a
he
had
to
put
in
a
dot
dot
dot
take
a
breather, and then come back for
breather
and
then
come
back
for
seconds. Somewhere in all of that
seconds
Somewhere
in
all
of
that
nonsense, Trump attacked Minnesota's
nonsense
Trump
attacked
Minnesota's
immigration policies and called Governor
immigration
policies
and
called
Governor
Tim Walls the Rword.
Tim
Walls
the
Rword
>> Walz responded with four words of his
>>
Walz
responded
with
four
words
of
his
own. Release the MRI results.
own
Release
the
MRI
results
>> [cheering]
>>
cheering
>> In response,
>>
In
response
look pretty good. It's [cheering]
look
pretty
good
It's
cheering
succinct. [applause]
succinct
applause
In response, Trump says he will release
In
response
Trump
says
he
will
release
MRI results, but doesn't know what part
MRI
results
but
doesn't
know
what
part
of his body
of
his
body
was scanned. Uh, here's a theory. Maybe
was
scanned
Uh
here's
a
theory
Maybe
the part that's broken is the part
the
part
that's
broken
is
the
part
that's supposed to know. [laughter]
that's
supposed
to
know
laughter
Trump was
Trump
was
proud to be an American [applause]
proud
to
be
an
American
applause
Trump was asked about the whole thing on
Trump
was
asked
about
the
whole
thing
on
Air Force One.
Air
Force
One
>> Governor Walls ask you to release the
>>
Governor
Walls
ask
you
to
release
the
the MRI records.
the
MRI
records
>> So if they want to release it, it's okay
>>
So
if
they
want
to
release
it
it's
okay
with me to release it.
with
me
to
release
it
>> It's perfect. If you want to have it
>>
It's
perfect
If
you
want
to
have
it
released, I'll release it.
released
I'll
release
it
>> Yes, please. Can you tell us what they
>>
Yes
please
Can
you
tell
us
what
they
were looking at?
were
looking
at
>> For what? Releasing?
>>
For
what
Releasing
>> No, no, no. What part of your body was
>>
No
no
no
What
part
of
your
body
was
the MRI looking at?
the
MRI
looking
at
>> I have no idea. It was just an MRI. What
>>
I
have
no
idea
It
was
just
an
MRI
What
part of the body? It wasn't the brain
part
of
the
body
It
wasn't
the
brain
because I took a cognitive test and I
because
I
took
a
cognitive
test
and
I
aced it.
aced
it
>> Okay, look. No, it's true. It's true. It
>>
Okay
look
No
it's
true
It's
true
It
wasn't the brain. Okay. I did so well on
wasn't
the
brain
Okay
I
did
so
well
on
the cognitive, they put me in the extra
the
cognitive
they
put
me
in
the
extra
credit tube,
credit
tube
[cheering] spun that thing around,
cheering
spun
that
thing
around
[applause]
applause
took off my watch and my ring.
took
off
my
watch
and
my
ring
A, as per usual, after the president
A
as
per
usual
after
the
president
said something, the White House
said
something
the
White
House
scrambled to justify it. This afternoon,
scrambled
to
justify
it
This
afternoon
they posted a letter from the
they
posted
a
letter
from
the
president's doctor who claims the MRI
president's
doctor
who
claims
the
MRI
was given, quote, "because men in his
was
given
quote
because
men
in
his
age group benefit from a thorough
age
group
benefit
from
a
thorough
evaluation of cardiovascular and
evaluation
of
cardiovascular
and
abdominal health." Okay, fair enough.
abdominal
health
Okay
fair
enough
Uh, men in his age group also benefit
Uh
men
in
his
age
group
also
benefit
from retiring. So,
from
retiring
So
can we write
can
we
write
can we write that prescription next? Try
can
we
write
that
prescription
next
Try
that. Try that. [applause and cheering]
that
Try
that
applause
and
cheering
The old abdominal MRI isn't
The
old
abdominal
MRI
isn't
the only reason uh folks are concerned.
the
only
reason
uh
folks
are
concerned
Trump's also showing more signs of
Trump's
also
showing
more
signs
of
aging. Last week, the New York Times
aging
Last
week
the
New
York
Times
noted that compared to his first term,
noted
that
compared
to
his
first
term
Trump has fewer public events on his
Trump
has
fewer
public
events
on
his
schedule and most of his public
schedule
and
most
of
his
public
appearances fall between noon and 5:00
appearances
fall
between
noon
and
5:00
p.m. working noon to 5. What a way to
pm
working
noon
to
5
What
a
way
to
make a living medically alive. getting
make
a
living
medically
alive
getting
at Thanksgiving. But
at
Thanksgiving
But
>> oh wow,
>>
oh
wow
>> I can barely keep the rhythm. You're not
>>
I
can
barely
keep
the
rhythm
You're
not
helping at all.
helping
at
all
Please, please. [laughter]
Please
please
laughter
That's two two song parodies in one
That's
two
two
song
parodies
in
one
monologue. Yes. But the real reason
monologue
Yes
But
the
real
reason
Trump might seem so lethargic is that he
Trump
might
seem
so
lethargic
is
that
he
does not get regular exercise. in part
does
not
get
regular
exercise
in
part
because he has a longheld theory that
because
he
has
a
longheld
theory
that
people are born with a finite amount of
people
are
born
with
a
finite
amount
of
energy and that vigorous activity can
energy
and
that
vigorous
activity
can
deplete that reserve like a battery.
deplete
that
reserve
like
a
battery
It's true. I'm just like a battery. I
It's
true
I'm
just
like
a
battery
I
got a copper top. Nobody knows the right
got
a
copper
top
Nobody
knows
the
right
way to get rid of me. And [cheering]
way
to
get
rid
of
me
And
cheering
at a at a certain age
at
a
at
a
certain
age
[applause and cheering]
applause
and
cheering
and at a certain age I started to leak a
and
at
a
certain
age
I
started
to
leak
a
lot of weird fluids.
lot
of
weird
fluids
Now green all crusty on one end.
Now
green
all
crusty
on
one
end
[applause and cheering]
applause
and
cheering
>> Elsewhere in the administration, it was
>>
Elsewhere
in
the
administration
it
was
a tough weekend for defense secretary
a
tough
weekend
for
defense
secretary
and your brother-in-law at the
and
your
brother-in-law
at
the
christristening saying, "Oh, what? It's
christristening
saying
Oh
what
It's
my fault the priest can't take a punch.
my
fault
the
priest
can't
take
a
punch
Pete Hegseth.
Pete
Hegseth
On Thursday, the Washington Post
On
Thursday
the
Washington
Post
published a blockbuster story on the
published
a
blockbuster
story
on
the
administration's first bombing of an
administration's
first
bombing
of
an
alleged drug smuggling boat back in
alleged
drug
smuggling
boat
back
in
September. According to the Post
September
According
to
the
Post
sources, Secretary Pete Haggath ordered
sources
Secretary
Pete
Haggath
ordered
the Navy to quote, "Kill them all after
the
Navy
to
quote
Kill
them
all
after
the first strike. A live drone feed
the
first
strike
A
live
drone
feed
showed two survivors. So, the commander
showed
two
survivors
So
the
commander
overseeing the operation then ordered a
overseeing
the
operation
then
ordered
a
second strike to comply with Hegseth's
second
strike
to
comply
with
Hegseth's
directive, killing both survivors. That
directive
killing
both
survivors
That
is that is unspeakably horrific. Though
is
that
is
unspeakably
horrific
Though
I do finally understand the end of
I
do
finally
understand
the
end
of
Titanic,
Titanic
>> I will never let go, Jack.
>>
I
will
never
let
go
Jack
>> I'll never let go.
>>
I'll
never
let
go
>> Eagle one, we got them. They let go.
>>
Eagle
one
we
got
them
They
let
go
>> [music]
>>
music
>> Let's be clear.
>>
Let's
be
clear
Let's be clear. Killing unarmed people
Let's
be
clear
Killing
unarmed
people
floating in the ocean who are unable to
floating
in
the
ocean
who
are
unable
to
fight is against the uniform code of
fight
is
against
the
uniform
code
of
military justice and all international
military
justice
and
all
international
law. As one lawyer said in the National
law
As
one
lawyer
said
in
the
National
Review, "It would be at best a war
Review
It
would
be
at
best
a
war
crime." At best.
crime
At
best
What's worse than a war crime? A war
What's
worse
than
a
war
crime
A
war
crime with raisins.
crime
with
raisins
Trump was asked about the scandal on Air
Trump
was
asked
about
the
scandal
on
Air
Force One.
Force
One
>> Can you talk a little bit about the
>>
Can
you
talk
a
little
bit
about
the
strikes and the controversy around
strikes
and
the
controversy
around
Secretary of Defense Pete Hank said?
Secretary
of
Defense
Pete
Hank
said
>> I don't know anything about it. He said
>>
I
don't
know
anything
about
it
He
said
he said he did not say that and I
he
said
he
did
not
say
that
and
I
believe him 100%.
believe
him
100
>> You don't know if there were
>>
You
don't
know
if
there
were
>> You're talking about the two men.
>>
You're
talking
about
the
two
men
>> You're talking about the two men.
>>
You're
talking
about
the
two
men
>> The two men Pete Hegseth ordered killed
>>
The
two
men
Pete
Hegseth
ordered
killed
after he already blew up their boat.
after
he
already
blew
up
their
boat
Those two men. Yeah. I don't know
Those
two
men
Yeah
I
don't
know
anything about it because [laughter]
anything
about
it
because
laughter
because of that. They don't know
because
of
that
They
don't
know
anything about it.
anything
about
it
[applause and cheering]
applause
and
cheering
Abdomen.
Abdomen
Abdomen.
Abdomen
Kidneys. Doc. Kidneys.
Kidneys
Doc
Kidneys
[applause and cheering]
applause
and
cheering
Hegseth responded to the accusation of
Hegseth
responded
to
the
accusation
of
murder by tweeting this image of a
murder
by
tweeting
this
image
of
a
beloved children's turtle Franklin
beloved
children's
turtle
Franklin
strafing fishing boats. No, you leave
strafing
fishing
boats
No
you
leave
Franklin out of this. Franklin is many
Franklin
out
of
this
Franklin
is
many
things. Franklin is bossy. Franklin is
things
Franklin
is
bossy
Franklin
is
messy. Franklin is wants a pet, but
messy
Franklin
is
wants
a
pet
but
Franklin is not a war criminal. That is
Franklin
is
not
a
war
criminal
That
is
Caillou. Get them straight.
Caillou
Get
them
straight
[applause]
applause
Caillou catching a catching a stray
Caillou
catching
a
catching
a
stray
right there. [cheering] That's terrible.
right
there
cheering
That's
terrible
We haven't seen such a disturbing
We
haven't
seen
such
a
disturbing
children's book since Brown Bear. Brown
children's
book
since
Brown
Bear
Brown
Bear, what did you do?
Bear
what
did
you
do
Hegseth isn't the only Trump official in
Hegseth
isn't
the
only
Trump
official
in
hot water these days. Things are not
hot
water
these
days
Things
are
not
going well for FBI director and
going
well
for
FBI
director
and
[cheering]
cheering
FBI director and normal man, not high.
FBI
director
and
normal
man
not
high
Why? Who's asking? Nobody what? I'm
Why
Who's
asking
Nobody
what
I'm
fine. Power drugs Cash Patel. A new
fine
Power
drugs
Cash
Patel
A
new
report uh came out just yesterday from
report
uh
came
out
just
yesterday
from
current and former FBI employees. And
current
and
former
FBI
employees
And
they say Patel is not very good,
they
say
Patel
is
not
very
good
inexperienced, in over his head, and
inexperienced
in
over
his
head
and
that he may be insecure.
that
he
may
be
insecure
>> Well, if he wasn't already, he is now.
>>
Well
if
he
wasn't
already
he
is
now
[cheering]
cheering
The report also describes Patel's FBI as
The
report
also
describes
Patel's
FBI
as
a rudderless ship and all up
a
rudderless
ship
and
all
up
and everybody at the bureau knows it.
and
everybody
at
the
bureau
knows
it
That's why their windbreakers now say
That's
why
their
windbreakers
now
say
FBI
FBI
[applause]
applause
working.
working
[applause]
applause
The report also said that on a mission
The
report
also
said
that
on
a
mission
back in September, Patel forgot to bring
back
in
September
Patel
forgot
to
bring
his FBI jacket and refused to step off
his
FBI
jacket
and
refused
to
step
off
the plane without wearing one, forcing
the
plane
without
wearing
one
forcing
local FBI agents to ask around to find
local
FBI
agents
to
ask
around
to
find
an FBI jacket that would fit. And that
an
FBI
jacket
that
would
fit
And
that
is not easy cuz Patel's jacket size is
is
not
easy
cuz
Patel's
jacket
size
is
Elf on the Shelf.
Elf
on
the
Shelf
We got a great show for you tonight. My
We
got
a
great
show
for
you
tonight
My
guests are Lady Gaga and New Jersey
guests
are
Lady
Gaga
and
New
Jersey
Governor-elect. When we come back, I ask
Governor-elect
When
we
come
back
I
ask
some very big questions with a very big
some
very
big
questions
with
a
very
big
star. Stick around.
star
Stick
around
[music]
music
[music]
music
>> [music]
>>
music
[cheering]
cheering
[applause]
applause
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