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Welcome, welcome in here, out there, all
Welcome
welcome
in
here
out
there
all
around the world to the late show. I'm
around
the
world
to
the
late
show
I'm
your host, Stephen Colbert. Ladies and
your
host
Stephen
Colbert
Ladies
and
gentlemen,
gentlemen
[cheering]
cheering
I want I really I want to sincerely
I
want
I
really
I
want
to
sincerely
thank everybody watching this broadcast
thank
everybody
watching
this
broadcast
tonight for for for tuning in. I know
tonight
for
for
for
tuning
in
I
know
I'm well aware that right now America is
I'm
well
aware
that
right
now
America
is
a rough watch.
a
rough
watch
Before before I turn on the news, I
Before
before
I
turn
on
the
news
I
usually grab a bite stick and strap on a
usually
grab
a
bite
stick
and
strap
on
a
cup. And
cup
And
but but we did find one piece of happy
but
but
we
did
find
one
piece
of
happy
news today. Uh there we go.
news
today
Uh
there
we
go
It's Oprah's birthday.
It's
Oprah's
birthday
[cheering]
cheering
[applause]
applause
[cheering]
cheering
[applause]
applause
Every show at CBS has to do that at
Every
show
at
CBS
has
to
do
that
at
least once today.
least
once
today
Gail put that in all of our contracts.
Gail
put
that
in
all
of
our
contracts
There there is there is some other good
There
there
is
there
is
some
other
good
news. Reportedly, thanks to his plunging
news
Reportedly
thanks
to
his
plunging
popularity over his goons' brutality in
popularity
over
his
goons'
brutality
in
Minneapolis and elsewhere, Donald Trump
Minneapolis
and
elsewhere
Donald
Trump
is frightened and backed in a corner.
is
frightened
and
backed
in
a
corner
Yeah, it is. [cheering] You know, good
Yeah
it
is
cheering
You
know
good
to know there's some consequences, but I
to
know
there's
some
consequences
but
I
just want to I just I just want to warn
just
want
to
I
just
I
just
want
to
warn
everybody that that's when you have to
everybody
that
that's
when
you
have
to
be extra careful
be
extra
careful
cuz if you startle him when he's
cuz
if
you
startle
him
when
he's
cornered, he'll inflate his neck pouch.
cornered
he'll
inflate
his
neck
pouch
[cheering]
cheering
[applause]
applause
Didn't expect that zoom in there. It
Didn't
expect
that
zoom
in
there
It
surprised me a little bit. His mass
surprised
me
a
little
bit
His
mass
deportations are incredibly unpopular.
deportations
are
incredibly
unpopular
Just to give you some idea of how much
Just
to
give
you
some
idea
of
how
much
people do not like what ICE is doing on
people
do
not
like
what
ICE
is
doing
on
Reddit, a fascist kink role-playing
Reddit
a
fascist
kink
role-playing
subreddit has now banned posting any ICE
subreddit
has
now
banned
posting
any
ICE
porn.
porn
Okay, but before they take away all the
Okay
but
before
they
take
away
all
the
ice porn, let me just see this one one
ice
porn
let
me
just
see
this
one
one
more time.
more
time
[music]
music
[cheering and applause]
cheering
and
applause
Was
Was
[applause]
applause
[cheering]
cheering
[applause]
applause
that good for you?
that
good
for
you
Cuz it was good for me. Trump's PR
Cuz
it
was
good
for
me
Trump's
PR
problem is about to get worse because
problem
is
about
to
get
worse
because
yesterday Bruce Springsteen dropped a
yesterday
Bruce
Springsteen
dropped
a
new anti-ICE protest song [cheering]
new
anti-ICE
protest
song
cheering
called Streets of Minneapolis,
called
Streets
of
Minneapolis
[applause]
applause
which obviously echoes his 1993 hit
which
obviously
echoes
his
1993
hit
Streets of Philadelphia, which was about
Streets
of
Philadelphia
which
was
about
the AIDS crisis. It just goes to prove
the
AIDS
crisis
It
just
goes
to
prove
the old adage, you really don't want
the
old
adage
you
really
don't
want
Bruce Springsteen to write a song about
Bruce
Springsteen
to
write
a
song
about
your streets.
your
streets
Not even Sesame. [laughter]
Not
even
Sesame
laughter
Oscars in the trash can. The song
Oscars
in
the
trash
can
The
song
[laughter]
laughter
The song came out yesterday afternoon
The
song
came
out
yesterday
afternoon
and Springsteen released a statement
and
Springsteen
released
a
statement
saying, "I wrote this song on Saturday,
saying
I
wrote
this
song
on
Saturday
recorded it yesterday, and released it
recorded
it
yesterday
and
released
it
to you today."
to
you
today
Okay. Well,
Okay
Well
I also had a productive weekend. I did
I
also
had
a
productive
weekend
I
did
laundry on Saturday,
laundry
on
Saturday
put it in the dryer Sunday,
put
it
in
the
dryer
Sunday
and it's still in the basket today.
and
it's
still
in
the
basket
today
We're both [applause]
We're
both
applause
We're both kind of the boss.
We're
both
kind
of
the
boss
You will not be surprised that the
You
will
not
be
surprised
that
the
lyrics are poignant and powerful. And
lyrics
are
poignant
and
powerful
And
here's a taste.
here's
a
taste
[music]
music
I hear your voice
I
hear
your
voice
through the bloody mist.
through
the
bloody
mist
Here in [music] our home, they killed
Here
in
music
our
home
they
killed
and roamed in the winter of 26. [music]
and
roamed
in
the
winter
of
26
music
We'll take our stand for this land and
We'll
take
our
stand
for
this
land
and
the [music] strange that I missed.
the
music
strange
that
I
missed
We'll remember [music] the names of
We'll
remember
music
the
names
of
those who died on the streets of
those
who
died
on
the
streets
of
Minneapolis.
Minneapolis
Thank you, Bruce. [cheering]
Thank
you
Bruce
cheering
[applause]
applause
Yeah, that's amazing. That's lovely.
Yeah
that's
amazing
That's
lovely
[applause]
applause
Yep. That's what you're looking for.
Yep
That's
what
you're
looking
for
That is amazing. Do you know how hard it
That
is
amazing
Do
you
know
how
hard
it
is to rhyme with Minneapolis?
is
to
rhyme
with
Minneapolis
[laughter] I went to the farmers market
laughter
I
went
to
the
farmers
market
but forgot my apple list.
but
forgot
my
apple
list
[laughter]
laughter
This sends a powerful message.
This
sends
a
powerful
message
Springsteen is as American as it gets.
Springsteen
is
as
American
as
it
gets
He's the working man's poet laureate.
He's
the
working
man's
poet
laureate
He's the New Jersey state bird. Okay,
He's
the
New
Jersey
state
bird
Okay
it's time for ICE to get out of there
it's
time
for
ICE
to
get
out
of
there
and go to Milan because it was just
and
go
to
Milan
because
it
was
just
announced that the US will send ICE
announced
that
the
US
will
send
ICE
agents to the Winter Olympics. No.
agents
to
the
Winter
Olympics
No
[cheering]
cheering
Yes, I agree with all that noise. That's
Yes
I
agree
with
all
that
noise
That's
a terrible idea. The only ice I want to
a
terrible
idea
The
only
ice
I
want
to
see at the Olympics is ice dancing.
see
at
the
Olympics
is
ice
dancing
Two hotties. [cheering]
Two
hotties
cheering
[applause]
applause
Two hotties twirling on skates to an
Two
hotties
twirling
on
skates
to
an
instrumental version of me espresso.
instrumental
version
of
me
espresso
[cheering]
cheering
Are they married? Are they siblings? I
Are
they
married
Are
they
siblings
I
don't care. [laughter]
don't
care
laughter
Strap those high tide butts in some
Strap
those
high
tide
butts
in
some
sparkly leotards and make them spin for
sparkly
leotards
and
make
them
spin
for
our pleasure.
our
pleasure
[cheering]
cheering
Technically, DHS is sending a division
Technically
DHS
is
sending
a
division
of ICE called Homeland Security
of
ICE
called
Homeland
Security
Investigations. Allegedly, these agents
Investigations
Allegedly
these
agents
will be there in what they're calling a
will
be
there
in
what
they're
calling
a
security role with no patrolling or
security
role
with
no
patrolling
or
enforcement. Of course, American ICE
enforcement
Of
course
American
ICE
won't be doing enforcement in Milan.
won't
be
doing
enforcement
in
Milan
That's a job for Milan ICE. Or as they
That's
a
job
for
Milan
ICE
Or
as
they
say in Italian, gelato.
say
in
Italian
gelato
I know. [applause and cheering]
I
know
applause
and
cheering
I know. Granita. No letters. I know it's
I
know
Granita
No
letters
I
know
it's
Gina. [applause] In response to this uh
Gina
applause
In
response
to
this
uh
this ICE plan, Italian lawmakers have
this
ICE
plan
Italian
lawmakers
have
demanded that their government deny
demanded
that
their
government
deny
Trump's thugs entry to Italy. Well, I'm
Trump's
thugs
entry
to
Italy
Well
I'm
not surprised. [cheering] Good for you.
not
surprised
cheering
Good
for
you
Good for you, Italia. I'm not surprised
Good
for
you
Italia
I'm
not
surprised
at all. This is America's greatest
at
all
This
is
America's
greatest
insult to Italy since Olive Garden steak
insult
to
Italy
since
Olive
Garden
steak
gorgonzola Alfredo.
gorgonzola
Alfredo
Olive Garden, when you're here, the word
Olive
Garden
when
you're
here
the
word
sirloin has an asterisk.
sirloin
has
an
asterisk
All this bad PR about ICE appears to
All
this
bad
PR
about
ICE
appears
to
have gotten to Trump. He seems a little
have
gotten
to
Trump
He
seems
a
little
rattled. Case in point, this week he
rattled
Case
in
point
this
week
he
sent a bizarre fundraising email to MAGA
sent
a
bizarre
fundraising
email
to
MAGA
donors with a subject line, "Are you an
donors
with
a
subject
line
Are
you
an
illegal alien?"
illegal
alien
That's a weirdly accusatory
That's
a
weirdly
accusatory
greeting. It's like getting a birthday
greeting
It's
like
getting
a
birthday
card that says, "Happy birthday,
card
that
says
Happy
birthday
Grandpa. Are you a cannibal?"
Grandpa
Are
you
a
cannibal
[laughter and cheering]
laughter
and
cheering
The only email The only email
The
only
email
The
only
email
subject line more shocking is the one
subject
line
more
shocking
is
the
one
that tells you all the hot mils in your
that
tells
you
all
the
hot
mils
in
your
area are only one mile from you
area
are
only
one
mile
from
you
and lonely tonight.
and
lonely
tonight
What are the odds? [cheering] Well,
What
are
the
odds
cheering
Well
ladies and gentlemen,
ladies
and
gentlemen
[applause]
applause
[applause]
applause
Got some got some hot milks in here
Got
some
got
some
hot
milks
in
here
tonight. And [cheering]
tonight
And
cheering
buckle up, ladies and gentlemen, cuz
buckle
up
ladies
and
gentlemen
cuz
this weird email is about to get truly
this
weird
email
is
about
to
get
truly
strange. It continued. I reached out
strange
It
continued
I
reached
out
last week about my citizens-only survey.
last
week
about
my
citizens-only
survey
Your file says you're a top mega
Your
file
says
you're
a
top
mega
patriot, but my records to my survey
patriot
but
my
records
to
my
survey
still say response pending. Don't tell
still
say
response
pending
Don't
tell
me you're an illegal alien.
me
you're
an
illegal
alien
That cannot be true. This is your final
That
cannot
be
true
This
is
your
final
moment to prove me wrong. Please.
moment
to
prove
me
wrong
Please
Please. Are you a proud American citizen
Please
Are
you
a
proud
American
citizen
or does ICE need to come and track you
or
does
ICE
need
to
come
and
track
you
down?
down
Holy cow. That's
Holy
cow
That's
That's not a fundraising email. That's
That's
not
a
fundraising
email
That's
blackmail.
blackmail
and also the most unhinged combination
and
also
the
most
unhinged
combination
of desperate emotions and font styles
of
desperate
emotions
and
font
styles
I've ever seen. It's like getting an
I've
ever
seen
It's
like
getting
an
email from Xfinity that reads, "Your
email
from
Xfinity
that
reads
Your
account is overdue. My file says you
account
is
overdue
My
file
says
you
love the internet, but my survey still
love
the
internet
but
my
survey
still
says response pending. Do you even love
says
response
pending
Do
you
even
love
internet or do I need to kill you?
internet
or
do
I
need
to
kill
you
Please, please, please. I love you.
Please
please
please
I
love
you
Don't make me do this, babe. Top hat,
Don't
make
me
do
this
babe
Top
hat
saxophone, yield sign, beach umbrella.
saxophone
yield
sign
beach
umbrella
[cheering and applause]
cheering
and
applause
might want to hold off.
might
want
to
hold
off
Yes.
Yes
[applause]
applause
Hya Navy. Hya Navy.
Hya
Navy
Hya
Navy
Oh, ladies and gentlemen, that sound
Oh
ladies
and
gentlemen
that
sound
means it's time to talk about Melania
means
it's
time
to
talk
about
Melania
Trump [cheering]
Trump
cheering
because tonight the first lady's
because
tonight
the
first
lady's
documentary Melania premiered at the
documentary
Melania
premiered
at
the
Trump at the Kennedy Center. The premiere
Trump
at
the
Kennedy
Center
The
premiere
was attended by members of the
was
attended
by
members
of
the
administration like Pam Bondi, Pete
administration
like
Pam
Bondi
Pete
Hagath, Christy Gnome, RFK Jr., and Cash
Hagath
Christy
Gnome
RFK
Jr
and
Cash
Patel, as well as several former NFL
Patel
as
well
as
several
former
NFL
players and UFC fighters, [cheering]
players
and
UFC
fighters
cheering
which means a bunch of people with brain
which
means
a
bunch
of
people
with
brain
damage,
damage
sat next [cheering]
sat
next
cheering
[applause]
applause
[applause] sat next to NFL players and
applause
sat
next
to
NFL
players
and
UFC fighters. I got to get to the punch
UFC
fighters
I
got
to
get
to
the
punch
line. Got to go faster. I got to get to
line
Got
to
go
faster
I
got
to
get
to
the I got [cheering] to get to the punch
the
I
got
cheering
to
get
to
the
punch
lines faster. These people, [applause]
lines
faster
These
people
applause
they're good. They're good. Reviews are
they're
good
They're
good
Reviews
are
still rolling in, but apparently Cash
still
rolling
in
but
apparently
Cash
Patel was riveted
Patel
was
riveted
there. But it wasn't just, it wasn't
there
But
it
wasn't
just
it
wasn't
just at the Trump, the Kennedy Center.
just
at
the
Trump
the
Kennedy
Center
There were premiere events in over two
There
were
premiere
events
in
over
two
dozen cities, including Phoenix,
dozen
cities
including
Phoenix
Detroit, and Kansas City, or as Melania
Detroit
and
Kansas
City
or
as
Melania
calls them, no thank you.
calls
them
no
thank
you
That's a big splashy debut for a
That's
a
big
splashy
debut
for
a
documentary about a first lady whose
documentary
about
a
first
lady
whose
signature achievement is that.
signature
achievement
is
that
And this film did not come cheap, y'all.
And
this
film
did
not
come
cheap
y'all
To produce and distribute it, Jeff Bezos
To
produce
and
distribute
it
Jeff
Bezos
paid $75 million.
paid
75
million
Now, obviously, he's one of the richest
Now
obviously
he's
one
of
the
richest
men in the world. That's chump change to
men
in
the
world
That's
chump
change
to
Bezos himself. But it might have helped
Bezos
himself
But
it
might
have
helped
the 16,000 people that Amazon announced
the
16000
people
that
Amazon
announced
they were firing yesterday.
they
were
firing
yesterday
You know what? You know what? I have had
You
know
what
You
know
what
I
have
had
it. I say we storm the castle. Let's
it
I
say
we
storm
the
castle
Let's
see. Uh Amazon has pitchforks. That's
see
Uh
Amazon
has
pitchforks
That's
good. And let's see. They also have they
good
And
let's
see
They
also
have
they
have torches. That's good. And let's
have
torches
That's
good
And
let's
see. I'm Prime. Let's order that. And
see
I'm
Prime
Let's
order
that
And
the Revolution will start in two
the
Revolution
will
start
in
two
business days. There you go. [cheering]
business
days
There
you
go
cheering
[applause]
applause
Keep that nearby.
Keep
that
nearby
[applause and cheering]
applause
and
cheering
To promote Melania the movie, Melania
To
promote
Melania
the
movie
Melania
the person went on Melania the Fox News
the
person
went
on
Melania
the
Fox
News
where she was asked about dancing to
where
she
was
asked
about
dancing
to
YMCA with her husband.
YMCA
with
her
husband
You've never done the Y, have you?
You've
never
done
the
Y
have
you
I did.
I
did
You did? Was that on the inauguration?
You
did
Was
that
on
the
inauguration
Correct. It's different than his.
Correct
It's
different
than
his
Yes. My why is different than his. It's
Yes
My
why
is
different
than
his
It's
not so much this why. It's more why.
not
so
much
this
why
It's
more
why
Oh my god. [cheering]
Oh
my
god
cheering
[applause]
applause
[cheering]
cheering
[applause]
applause
[laughter]
laughter
[applause]
applause
Hold on. Melania [cheering]
Hold
on
Melania
cheering
Melania also talked to uh the Fox
Melania
also
talked
to
uh
the
Fox
Business News Maria Bartiromo and
Business
News
Maria
Bartiromo
and
explained her vision for the film. At
explained
her
vision
for
the
film
At
least I think that's what she was
least
I
think
that's
what
she
was
saying. What I wanted to do is to put up
saying
What
I
wanted
to
do
is
to
put
up
the product the film into the theaters
the
product
the
film
into
the
theaters
um very cinematic product people will
um
very
cinematic
product
people
will
see it will see fashion
see
it
will
see
fashion
all accurate except for the part where
all
accurate
except
for
the
part
where
people will see it.
people
will
see
it
We got a great show for you tonight.
We
got
a
great
show
for
you
tonight
[cheering]
cheering
My guests are Alexander Stoddard,
My
guests
are
Alexander
Stoddard
a little thing over the A and journalist
a
little
thing
over
the
A
and
journalist
Jacob Sober. [music] Come back. We
Jacob
Sober
music
Come
back
We
celebrate the 25th anniversary of the
celebrate
the
25th
anniversary
of
the
greatest [cheering] trilogy of all time,
greatest
cheering
trilogy
of
all
time
The Lord of the Rings.
The
Lord
of
the
Rings
Join us. [music and cheering]
Join
us
music
and
cheering
[music]
music
[music]
music
[music]
music
[cheering]
cheering
Dictionary
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- Pause
0.5x - Slower
0.75x - Slow
1.0x - Normal
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