Watch and Learn - Shrimp Forever | Trump: I Would Have Won Vietnam

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Welcome ladies and gentlemen one and all

to the late show. I'm your host Steven

to the late show I'm your host Steven

Colbear. [cheering] Ladies and

Colbear cheering Ladies and

gentlemen,

gentlemen

you know [applause]

you know applause

uh it's no secret I have been critical

of the Trump administration.

of the Trump administration

But tonight I have to give credit where

credit is due. America is finally great

credit is due America is finally great

again because Red Lobster is bringing

back endless shrimp. [cheering]

back endless shrimp cheering

That's right.

That's right

Our [applause]

Our applause

long national shrimp mare is finally

over.

over

Many believe this day would never come,

Many believe this day would never come

but as Dr. King himself said, "The ark

but as Dr King himself said The ark

of the moral universe is long, but it

of the moral universe is long but it

bends toward the cocktail sauce."

bends toward the cocktail sauce

[cheering]

cheering

[applause]

applause

Beautiful.

Beautiful

course, the shrimp history buffs out

course the shrimp history buffs out

there will remind us that Endless Shrimp

was removed from Red Lobster's menu in

2024 after the chain filed for

bankruptcy. And the Endless Shrimp

bankruptcy And the Endless Shrimp

promotion itself resulted in $11 million

promotion itself resulted in 11 million

of the company's net loss. So, they're

of the company's net loss So they're

bringing it back

even though it's a proven money loser.

even though it's a proven money loser

Sounds like Red Lobster. Still got

Sounds like Red Lobster Still got

plenty of shrimp, but they're all out of

plenty of shrimp but they're all out of

Yeah.

Yeah

[applause]

applause

What does it matter? Shrimp. The new CEO

What does it matter Shrimp The new CEO

of the company initially posed bringing

back the unrelenting crustaceia,

back the unrelenting crustaceia

saying he was against it. Quote,

saying he was against it Quote

"Because I know how to do math."

Because I know how to do math

[laughter]

laughter

To which Americans responded, "That

To which Americans responded That

sounds like a you problem.

sounds like a you problem

Now stuff me with shrimp, lobster boy."

Now stuff me with shrimp lobster boy

Red Lobster dropped uh the big news in a

new commercial.

new commercial

>> Endless shrimp is back because you've

been asking a lot and we made it happen.

been asking a lot and we made it happen

Walt's favorite shrimp.

Walt's favorite shrimp

>> Endless

>> garlic shrimp scampy.

>> garlic shrimp scampy

>> Endless

>> shrimp linguini alfredo.

>> shrimp linguini alfredo

>> Endless.

>> Endless

Thank you. [cheering]

Thank you cheering

Let's go down.

Let's go down

>> I'm so glad someone's finally addressing

the concerns of those of us who eat one

plate of shrimp linguini alfredo and

then think, "No, I want another.

then think No I want another

[laughter]

laughter

I don't want to just wreck my toilet

tonight. I want I want to have to move

tonight I want I want to have to move

tomorrow.

tomorrow

Fill me with shrimp and heavy cream

until the federal government deploys

FEMA.

FEMA

[laughter]

laughter

I want I want Sean Penn out there with a

Cajun Navy. [laughter]

Cajun Navy laughter

If creamed seed bug isn't your jam,

If creamed seed bug isn't your jam

there are other shrimp dishes you can

eat without ceasing. Try the parrot

eat without ceasing Try the parrot

aisle coconut shrimp and marry me

shrimp. Of course, if you're not ready

shrimp Of course if you're not ready

for marry me shrimp, there's also

for marry me shrimp there's also

platonic shrimp. [laughter]

platonic shrimp laughter

If we haven't found anyone by the time

we're 40 shrimp and common law crab

legs.

legs

See? [applause]

See applause

Yeah.

Yeah

That's the sound of hope. That's the

That's the sound of hope That's the

sound of a people finally who have hope

again. With endless shrimp, all of our

again With endless shrimp all of our

problems are over. Except maybe not.

problems are over Except maybe not

Cuz here's how the commercial ends.

Cuz here's how the commercial ends

>> Endless shrimp is back

[music and singing] by popular demand.

music and singing by popular demand

But hurry, endless can't last forever,

But hurry endless can't last forever

only for a limited time. Endless.

only for a limited time Endless

[applause and cheering]

applause and cheering

Endless is limited.

Endless is limited

What in the French existential absurdest

interpretation of time is that? The only

interpretation of time is that The only

thing that should ever limit our time is

the shrimp.

the shrimp

This is malicious false advertising and

I will not stand for it. So Red Lobster,

I will not stand for it So Red Lobster

we fixed your commercial.

we fixed your commercial

>> Endless shrimp is back. Walt's favorite

>> Endless shrimp is back Walt's favorite

shrimp.

shrimp

>> Temporary

>> garlic shrimp stamp.

>> garlic shrimp stamp

>> Fine.

>> Fine

>> Shrimp linguini alfredo.

>> Shrimp linguini alfredo

>> Psych.

>> Psych

>> And new marry me shrimp.

>> And new marry me shrimp

>> 50% of shrimp marriages end in divorce.

>> 50 of shrimp marriages end in divorce

>> Only at Red Lobster.

>> Only at Red Lobster

>> Death comes for us all.

>> Death comes for us all

>> You're welcome. [cheering]

>> You're welcome cheering

>> [applause]

>> applause

>> Done.

>> Done

>> You're welcome, Red Lobster. Now, please

>> You're welcome Red Lobster Now please

send my two writers, Carly Mosley and

send my two writers Carly Mosley and

Kate Sidley, Red Lobster crew necks with

Kate Sidley Red Lobster crew necks with

a side of Cheddar Bay Biscuits. They are

a side of Cheddar Bay Biscuits They are

cold and they are hungry.

cold and they are hungry

What else is going on? Any other little

What else is going on Any other little

stories? Ah, yeah. Here's a little one.

stories Ah yeah Here's a little one

Uh we are in week eight of the Iran war

and as of tonight it is unclear if US

Iran peace talks will happen one day

before Trump's latest ultimatum expires.

before Trump's latest ultimatum expires

Unclear. That's not super comforting.

Unclear That's not super comforting

One expert weighed in on just how long

this war might be.

this war might be

>> Endless.

>> Endless

>> Thank you. Thank you. [applause]

>> Thank you Thank you applause

Call back. Hello. Do you have any jokes?

Call back Hello Do you have any jokes

Thank you, Secretary Lobster. The talks

Thank you Secretary Lobster The talks

were supposed to begin today in

Pakistan's capital, Islama bad. But

Pakistan's capital Islama bad But

based on what we know now, it doesn't

based on what we know now it doesn't

look Islama good because

this afternoon, US negotiators delayed

this afternoon US negotiators delayed

their trip and President Trump announced

he was indefinitely extending the

ceasefire.

ceasefire

Indefinitely.

Indefinitely

Wonder how many

>> [laughter]

>> laughter

[cheering]

cheering

>> I wonder how many shrimp that is.

>> I wonder how many shrimp that is

Trump,

Trump

what have they got there? They're all

what have they got there They're all

down [cheering] low. They were there

down cheering low They were there

waiting for me. [applause]

waiting for me applause

Come on, we know where the joke is.

Come on we know where the joke is

Trump [cheering] claims

Trump cheering claims

Trump claims he's not sweating the deal.

Trump claims he's not sweating the deal

posting. I read the fake news saying

posting I read the fake news saying

that I am under pressure to make a deal.

that I am under pressure to make a deal

This is not true. I am under no pressure

This is not true I am under no pressure

whatsoever. Although it will all happen

whatsoever Although it will all happen

relatively quickly. Time is not my

relatively quickly Time is not my

adversary.

adversary

[laughter]

laughter

Oh yeah.

Oh yeah

Have you taken a gander at your ankles

lately? Cuz [cheering]

lately Cuz cheering

it's never a good sign when your shoes

have a muffin top. [cheering]

have a muffin top cheering

this morning. Well, he went on he went

this morning Well he went on he went

on uh squawk box and he squawkked

patience.

patience

>> I just looked at a little chart. World

>> I just looked at a little chart World

War I 4 years and 3 months. World War II

War I 4 years and 3 months World War II

6 years. Korean War 3 years. Vietnam 19

6 years Korean War 3 years Vietnam 19

years. Iraq 8 years. I'm five months.

years Iraq 8 years I'm five months

Okay. Five months. I would have won

Okay Five months I would have won

Vietnam very quickly. I would have if I

Vietnam very quickly I would have if I

were president.

were president

>> I've studied Vietnam very closely. If I

>> I've studied Vietnam very closely If I

had been president, Bubba would still be

had been president Bubba would still be

alive

and Lieutenant Dan would have legs. It's

and Lieutenant Dan would have legs It's

like, no, folks, it's like my mama

like no folks it's like my mama

always said, "Life is like a box of

always said Life is like a box of

chocolates and I do not love you,

chocolates and I do not love you

Donald." [laughter]

Donald laughter

The negotiations

The negotiations may be in trouble. Are

The negotiations may be in trouble Are

they in trouble? They may be in trouble.

they in trouble They may be in trouble

The negotiations may be in trouble, but

The negotiations may be in trouble but

Trump assures us that the new deal with

Iran will be better than the old one.

Iran will be better than the old one

Just a reminder, the original deal with

Just a reminder the original deal with

Iran capped Iran's uranium enrichment

and allowed for international inspectors

in in exchange for unfreezing millions

in assets. And it took years to

in assets And it took years to

negotiate and ran more than 160 pages

long. But Trump knows he only needs one

long But Trump knows he only needs one

page that says, "I am Dr. Jesus."

page that says I am Dr Jesus

[laughter]

laughter

what would make a new deal better than

the one Obama got 10 years ago? I will

the one Obama got 10 years ago I will

ask my guest tonight, a negotiator of

ask my guest tonight a negotiator of

the Iran nuclear deal, former Secretary

the Iran nuclear deal former Secretary

John Kerry. He'll be right over there in

John Kerry He'll be right over there in

that chair just a moment.

that chair just a moment

[cheering and applause]

cheering and applause

And whatever happens,

And whatever happens

you know, what you do, guys, just go to

you know what you do guys just go to

the source, ask the

the source ask the

[applause and cheering] guy.

applause and cheering guy

And and whatever happens, folks, the

And and whatever happens folks the

clock is ticking because due to Iran

closing the street of Hormuz, airlines

closing the street of Hormuz airlines

are about to run out of jet fuel, which

are about to run out of jet fuel which

is scary because if a plane runs out

when they're in the air,

when they're in the air

you could be stuck up there forever.

you could be stuck up there forever

They got to get a big ladder out.

They got to get a big ladder out

The prices look so bad that Spirit

Airlines may be forced to liquidate due

to surging fuel costs. And that is a

to surging fuel costs And that is a

tragedy because Spirit is my favorite

airline to make fun of. We've done it a

airline to make fun of We've done it a

lot. You know their slogan, Spirit

lot You know their slogan Spirit

Airlines, comfort is our priority, but

Airlines comfort is our priority but

it's like number eight.

it's like number eight

[applause]

applause

Love you, Spirit.

Love you Spirit

Fly Spirit Airlines. [applause] It's my

Fly Spirit Airlines applause It's my

endorsement. Oh, there's breaking news

endorsement Oh there's breaking news

about someone you've never heard of.

about someone you've never heard of

President Trump's Secretary of Labor and

woman at the end of a Sky Rizzy

commercial,

commercial

Lori Chavez Dreamer. Over the last few

Lori Chavez Dreamer Over the last few

months, Chavez Darr has been under

months Chavez Darr has been under

serious investigation for all kinds of

bad stuff. She's allegedly done at work.

bad stuff She's allegedly done at work

And yesterday, we learned that the labor

And yesterday we learned that the labor

secretary will resign amid allegations

that Mrs. Chavez Dreamer's father,

that Mrs Chavez Dreamer's father

Richard Chavez, wrote to a young female

Richard Chavez wrote to a young female

staff member, quote, "Hearing you are in

staff member quote Hearing you are in

town, wishing you would let me know I

town wishing you would let me know I

could have made some excuses to get out

and show you around. Please keep this

and show you around Please keep this

private."

private

I I know it sounds creepy, but maybe

I I know it sounds creepy but maybe

he's just a proud papa. And is this

he's just a proud papa And is this

true? I'm told we have a video of her

true I'm told we have a video of her

father's reaction when he learned his

daughter had been confirmed as Secretary

of Labor.

of Labor

>> We're all going TO GET LAID.

>> We're all going TO GET LAID

>> [applause]

>> applause

>> YEAH,

>> YEAH

GOOD MAN. Good man. [applause] It's a

GOOD MAN Good man applause It's a

natural reaction.

natural reaction

It gets a little worse because it wasn't

just your dad. Later, Chavez Darmer's

just your dad Later Chavez Darmer's

husband reportedly texted that same

staffer, "I was feeling forgotten. I

staffer I was feeling forgotten I

figured you were still in church

repenting after your exposure to the

demon state of Oregon."

demon state of Oregon

Okay, he's gross. both for allegedly

Okay he's gross both for allegedly

sexually harassing a staffer and for

making jokes about Oregon. There is

making jokes about Oregon There is

nothing I mean nothing funny about the

Beaver State. Okay, I hear it now. I

Beaver State Okay I hear it now I

hear it. I I hear it. I hear it now.

hear it I I hear it I hear it now

Okay, that's on me. I apologize.

Okay that's on me I apologize

Travis Damer also got in on the ick cuz

she apparently instructed young women on

her staff to pay attention to her father

and her husband.

and her husband

I got to say, girl bossing has really

I got to say girl bossing has really

taken a dark turn.

taken a dark turn

That explains Cheryl Sandberg's new

book, Lean In so my dad and husband can

book Lean In so my dad and husband can

get a better look at those knockers.

get a better look at those knockers

[laughter]

laughter

Yeah, I'm surprised she named it that,

Yeah I'm surprised she named it that

too. Very surprised.

too Very surprised

[laughter]

laughter

Just to recap, you got weird uh daddy

Just to recap you got weird uh daddy

husband sexing, plus allegations that

husband sexing plus allegations that

Chavez Darr was engaged in an

extrammarital affair with a member of

her security team. Not great. But on the

her security team Not great But on the

plus side, falling in love with your

plus side falling in love with your

security guy could lead to this summer's

biggest sequel. The Bodyguard 2. This

biggest sequel The Bodyguard 2 This

time her dad's there.

time her dad's there

We got a great show for you tonight.

We got a great show for you tonight

[cheering] Grass Tyson is here. When we

cheering Grass Tyson is here When we

come back, Secretary John Kerry, stick

come back Secretary John Kerry stick

around, y'all. [music]

around y'all music

[applause]

applause

Heat. [music]

Heat music

[music]

music

Heat. [music]

Heat music

>> [cheering]

>> cheering

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