Watch and Learn - Camel Controversy | Iran's Nukes: Obliterated, Or A Week Away?

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Welcome one and all

ladies and gentlemen, friends and

ladies and gentlemen friends and

neighbors, Romans and countrymen to the

neighbors Romans and countrymen to the

late show. I'm your host Steven Colbert.

late show I'm your host Steven Colbert

I want to thank you. I got to tell you,

I want to thank you I got to tell you

I need it. I got to thank you. I I thank

I need it I got to thank you I I thank

you for your boundless energy,

you for your boundless energy

everybody. Just allow me to take a

everybody Just allow me to take a

moment here to just jam a Capri Sun

straw into your spinal fluid

and suck out some of your life force

because I am still dragging ass and

spitting out teeth after Trump's

record-breaking 108 minute long State of

the Union on Tuesday.

the Union on Tuesday

I mean, I could barely get through it. H

I mean I could barely get through it H

how did he stay awake that long?

how did he stay awake that long

>> I took prescription drugs.

>> I took prescription drugs

The the Nielsen ratings,

The the Nielsen ratings

refreshing honesty is what that is. The

refreshing honesty is what that is The

Nielsen ratings for his speech are in

and Trump's tuckathon saw an 11%

and Trump's tuckathon saw an 11

decrease from last year.

decrease from last year

I mean, Donald Trump is really dragging

I mean Donald Trump is really dragging

down broadcast television. I mean, if I

down broadcast television I mean if I

were if I were CBS, I'd cancel him now.

were if I were CBS I'd cancel him now

But, you know,

But you know

Congrats.

Congrats

>> But you know, linear television is

>> But you know linear television is

doomed and everyone's ratings are going

down, right? I'm sorry. What's that? Our

down right I'm sorry What's that Our

ratings were up 7%.

ratings were up 7

Both the same last year.

Both the same last year

So last year's ratings and this year's

I'm up 7%.

I'm up 7

Wow.

Wow

>> Holy cow.

>> Holy cow

>> You know what?

>> You know what

You know what? You know what I think was

You know what You know what I think was

going on? People may not like watching

going on People may not like watching

Trump, but they do like watching me not

Trump but they do like watching me not

like watching Trump.

like watching Trump

>> Now, preliminary preliminary viewership

>> Now preliminary preliminary viewership

for Trump's speech is coming in around

32.6 million. Compare that to the Super

326 million Compare that to the Super

Bowl, which got over four times as much.

Bowl which got over four times as much

Okay. I think Trump could have saved the

Okay I think Trump could have saved the

whole thing with a blockbuster halftime

show featuring bad Bernie

Dibi Tirma soup

navy bean.

navy bean

Of course, right now there's a huge

Of course right now there's a huge

story out in the Middle East where storm

clouds are gathering and the entire

region's on a knife's edge because

another camel beauty contest has been

hit by a Botox cheating scandal. I am

hit by a Botox cheating scandal I am

sick of this.

sick of this

Every day I wake up and I think maybe,

Every day I wake up and I think maybe

just maybe, today is the day that

just maybe today is the day that

another camel beauty contest won't be

hit by a Botox cheating scandal.

hit by a Botox cheating scandal

But I guess that's just too much to ask

for. Dream smaller, Steve.

for Dream smaller Steve

The controversy erupted at a contest in,

The controversy erupted at a contest in

no surprise, Oman, where 20 camels were

no surprise Oman where 20 camels were

disqualified after veterinary inspectors

discovered that they had been enhanced

with hyaluronic acid injections, dermal

with hyaluronic acid injections dermal

fillers, and silicone and Botox.

fillers and silicone and Botox

That is a lot of procedures for one

camel. What would that even look like?

camel What would that even look like

Okay. Yes.

Okay Yes

Wow.

Wow

Wow. She looks good. That's a beautiful

Wow She looks good That's a beautiful

camel.

camel

That is a beautiful camel.

That is a beautiful camel

All of these enhancements were an effort

to give the camels a tow-up in the

competition

because judges look for shiny hair, a

because judges look for shiny hair a

long and elegantly wide neck, a large

long and elegantly wide neck a large

head, and long dark eyelashes. Shiny

head and long dark eyelashes Shiny

hair, wide neck, large head, dark

hair wide neck large head dark

eyelashes. Can we see a photo of the

eyelashes Can we see a photo of the

winning camel? There you go.

winning camel There you go

Good. She does look good.

Good She does look good

Like I said, this wasn't the first time

Like I said this wasn't the first time

the camel beauty world has been mired in

controversy. See, back in 2018, a dozen

controversy See back in 2018 a dozen

contestants were kicked out of Saudi

Arabia's Miss Camel contest. Of course,

Arabia's Miss Camel contest Of course

the best part of Miss Camel is the

interview portion. Camel number one.

interview portion Camel number one

Your question is, as a global role

Your question is as a global role

model, what's your hope for the next

model what's your hope for the next

generation?

generation

So beautiful. See you back here in a

So beautiful See you back here in a

bikini

in a uh smaller and a Okay,

in a uh smaller and a Okay

sure. That's pretty That's pretty.

sure That's pretty That's pretty

In a smaller, uh, Middle East story, it

In a smaller uh Middle East story it

looks like Trump's going to invade Iran.

looks like Trump's going to invade Iran

This week, the Pentagon shifted more

This week the Pentagon shifted more

than 150 military aircraft to bases in

Europe and the Middle East. And on top

Europe and the Middle East And on top

of that, the Navy has sent roughly a

of that the Navy has sent roughly a

third of all active US ships to the

region, including the USS Gerald Ford,

region including the USS Gerald Ford

the USS Abraham Lincoln, and the USS

the USS Abraham Lincoln and the USS

Carnival Vista.

Carnival Vista

Just wait till the Ayatollah gets a load

of the unlimited shrimp.

of the unlimited shrimp

Yeah, it looks so Can we put that back

Yeah it looks so Can we put that back

up? Can we put that back up? I've never

up Can we put that back up I've never

seen him.

seen him

I when I asked when I asked for this

graphic when I asked for this graphic, I

graphic when I asked for this graphic I

said, "I mean, if possible, could you

said I mean if possible could you

find a happy picture of the Ayatollah?"

find a happy picture of the Ayatollah

And they said, "Stephen, there's going

And they said Stephen there's going

to be no happy pictures of the

Ayatollah."

Ayatollah

Happy Ayatollah. Now, the closest we've

Happy Ayatollah Now the closest we've

gotten the closest we've gotten to any

kind of justification has come from

special media envoy Steve Witko, seen

special media envoy Steve Witko seen

here after winning fight club at Men's

Warehouse

over the weekend. This is just over the

over the weekend This is just over the

weekend, Saturday, right? On Saturday,

weekend Saturday right On Saturday

Witko said this about Iran. They're

Witko said this about Iran They're

probably a week away from having uh

industrial uh uh industrial

uh bomb making material, and that's

uh bomb making material and that's

really dangerous. That's a startling

really dangerous That's a startling

claim, only slightly undercut by the

claim only slightly undercut by the

fact that after bombing Iran's nuclear

sites eight months ago, Trump said this.

sites eight months ago Trump said this

>> I also obliterated Iran's nuclear hopes.

>> I also obliterated Iran's nuclear hopes

Obliterated Iran's nuclear enrichment

capability. Totally obliterated the

capability Totally obliterated the

nuclear potential.

nuclear potential

>> Totally, as I say, obliterated. We

>> Totally as I say obliterated We

obliterated it.

obliterated it

>> Which can only mean that somehow Iran's

nuclear program has been

reobliterated.

reobliterated

Rebliterated.

Rebliterated

Re is it reliterated?

Re is it reliterated

Disobliterated.

Disobliterated

But regardless,

But regardless

Trump seems poised to attack again. Or

Trump seems poised to attack again Or

as Politico put it, America prepares for

as Politico put it America prepares for

war. No, America is not preparing for

war No America is not preparing for

war. America just found out about all

war America just found out about all

this. America preparing for weekend.

this America preparing for weekend

America is going with some friends to

see Scream 7. So, America not going to

see Scream 7 So America not going to

be available for war right now. Can Can

be available for war right now Can Can

we put a a pin in war for now and maybe

give America more of a heads up next

time? That's what if that's okay. That's

time That's what if that's okay That's

what America would like cuz Trump might

be poised to launch a war against a

nation of 93 million people. As far as I

nation of 93 million people As far as I

can tell, this administration has done

can tell this administration has done

exactly squat to make a case for it.

exactly squat to make a case for it

Senator Mark Kelly was asked, "What does

Senator Mark Kelly was asked What does

the US really want and why now?" He

the US really want and why now He

replied, "I don't think we know." Yeah,

replied I don't think we know Yeah

none of us have an answer to that

question. In fact, we have footage of

question In fact we have footage of

the press trying to get a justification

out of the Trump administration. What do

out of the Trump administration What do

you want?

you want

>> It's not that simple.

>> It's not that simple

>> What do you want? Now you might be

>> What do you want Now you might be

asking, is there any way to stop this

asking is there any way to stop this

thing that no one knew was starting?

thing that no one knew was starting

They they did hold negotiations today,

They they did hold negotiations today

right? And no no deal so far. And

right And no no deal so far And

according to Trump, Iran needs to say

according to Trump Iran needs to say

the secret words

that it will never have a nuclear

weapon.

weapon

It's not secret if you tell them what to

say out loud. Okay? It's like it's like

say out loud Okay It's like it's like

the doorman in eyes wide shut going

please say the password, which is

please say the password which is

fidelio. Damn it Bob. Damn it. Every

fidelio Damn it Bob Damn it Every

time you did it again. What a screw- up.

time you did it again What a screw up

Got to

time to go tell Helen you lost another

good sex cult job.

good sex cult job

Stupid Bob. Stupid. You can go. You can

Stupid Bob Stupid You can go You can

go in

now.

now

It's a good movie. It's a very good

It's a good movie It's a very good

movie. Watch for tigers in the

movie Watch for tigers in the

background. Another heavyweight

background Another heavyweight

intellect is about to be added to the

Trump cabinet brain trust. I'm talking

Trump cabinet brain trust I'm talking

about Trump's surgeon general nominee

and mom who substitutes butter with

applesauce cuz she's a freaking

nightmare.

nightmare

Casey Means, the surgeon general, is

Casey Means the surgeon general is

America's top doctor after Pepper and

Scholes. And they they communicate

Scholes And they they communicate

health policy to the general public,

health policy to the general public

which is why it's disappointing but not

surprising. That means is most famous

surprising That means is most famous

for being a wellness influencer or as

it's also known, white lady on the

it's also known white lady on the

internet who owns a blender.

internet who owns a blender

Yesterday,

Yesterday

just add some protein. Just some

just add some protein Just some

protein, flax seeds.

protein flax seeds

Yesterday, Dr. Means appeared before the

Yesterday Dr Means appeared before the

Senate uh for her confirmation hearing

and she laid out her wellness philosophy

in her opening statement. There is

in her opening statement There is

another way. A path that unites rigorous

another way A path that unites rigorous

science with reverence for our

miraculous bodies.

miraculous bodies

>> It's true.

>> It's true

>> Our bodies are miraculous. I mean, if

>> Our bodies are miraculous I mean if

they weren't, how else could we do this?

they weren't how else could we do this

Means went to medical school but dropped

out of her medical residency and does

not have an active license to treat

patients.

patients

Come on. If we're going to pick a

Come on If we're going to pick a

surgeon general who isn't licensed, why

surgeon general who isn't licensed why

not go with Noah Wy?

not go with Noah Wy

Come on.

Come on

He's been practicing fake medicine for

30 years, but he does have a PhD in dil.

30 years but he does have a PhD in dil

Casey uh Casey means is a vaccine

skeptic and has said that she believes

taking Advil two or three times a month

is ultimately toxic. Hold on one second.

is ultimately toxic Hold on one second

Yeah. Hey honey. Yeah. Yeah, it's me. Uh

Yeah Hey honey Yeah Yeah it's me Uh

turns out I'm dead. Yeah.

turns out I'm dead Yeah

Yeah. It was the Advil. It was the

Yeah It was the Advil It was the

Advil.

Advil

Uh, so far a lot like being alive. Yeah,

Uh so far a lot like being alive Yeah

we talk about when I get home. Okay,

we talk about when I get home Okay

thank you. Buy Tylenol. Buy Tylenol.

thank you Buy Tylenol Buy Tylenol

Okay. It gets weirder.

Okay It gets weirder

Gets weirder. In one of her books, Dr.

Gets weirder In one of her books Dr

means wrote that she took psychedelic

mushrooms for the first time after she

was inspired by an internal voice that

whispered to her.

whispered to her

Look, I'm no doctor,

Look I'm no doctor

but if you're already hearing voices, I

but if you're already hearing voices I

don't think you need the shrooms.

don't think you need the shrooms

We got a great show for you tonight. My

We got a great show for you tonight My

guests are Kurt and Ryan Russell when we

come back. Meanwhile, join us, won't

come back Meanwhile join us won't

you?

you

Heat.

Heat

Heat.

Heat

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