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Welcome one and all, in here, out there,
Welcome
one
and
all
in
here
out
there
all around the world to the Late Show.
all
around
the
world
to
the
Late
Show
I'm your host Stephen Colbert. Folks,
I'm
your
host
Stephen
Colbert
Folks
>> [cheering]
>>
cheering
>> it, it, it, of course tonight is April
>>
it
it
it
of
course
tonight
is
April
15th. Happy tax day to all who
15th
Happy
tax
day
to
all
who
celebrate.
celebrate
This is a very, it's actually a very
This
is
a
very
it's
actually
a
very
important day for Trump's
important
day
for
Trump's
big, beautiful bill that passed last year
big
beautiful
bill
that
passed
last
year
because even though in the bill
because
even
though
in
the
bill
they, they decimated Medicaid and slashed
they
they
decimated
Medicaid
and
slashed
government programs left, right, they
government
programs
left
right
they
kept saying it's all going to be worth
kept
saying
it's
all
going
to
be
worth
it on April 15th of this year when
it
on
April
15th
of
this
year
when
people saw their giant tax refunds.
people
saw
their
giant
tax
refunds
Well,
Well
we finally know how much the average
we
finally
know
how
much
the
average
American is going to get. It's $748,
American
is
going
to
get
It's
748
which I got to say is pretty good.
which
I
got
to
say
is
pretty
good
Unfortunately, thanks to Trump's war
Unfortunately
thanks
to
Trump's
war
with Iran this year, gasoline is
with
Iran
this
year
gasoline
is
expected to cost the average household
expected
to
cost
the
average
household
$740
740
>> [cheering]
>>
cheering
>> More.
>>
More
Let's see. Hold on. Let's see. $740.
Let's
see
Hold
on
Let's
see
740
God, I don't say what $700 is. That's
God
I
don't
say
what
700
is
That's
$748.
748
What is that?
What
is
that
I thought that is. That is, uh
I
thought
that
is
That
is
uh
>> [cheering]
>>
cheering
[applause]
applause
[applause]
applause
>> It's eight bucks. That's eight bucks.
>>
It's
eight
bucks
That's
eight
bucks
So, congratulations everybody. Eight
So
congratulations
everybody
Eight
bucks doesn't sound like much, but may I
bucks
doesn't
sound
like
much
but
may
I
remind you that'll get you eight lotto
remind
you
that'll
get
you
eight
lotto
tickets, which also happens to be
tickets
which
also
happens
to
be
Trump's health care plan.
Trump's
health
care
plan
Now, this would this would also be a
Now
this
would
this
would
also
be
a
really great time for Americans to get a
really
great
time
for
Americans
to
get
a
big check back because Trump's war has
big
check
back
because
Trump's
war
has
driven consumer sentiment to its lowest
driven
consumer
sentiment
to
its
lowest
level in 70 years, since 1956,
level
in
70
years
since
1956
when everyone was wearing those buttons
when
everyone
was
wearing
those
buttons
that said, "I sprained my knee doing the
that
said
I
sprained
my
knee
doing
the
twist and now I know like I ate."
twist
and
now
I
know
like
I
ate
I'm
I'm
just not I'm just I would say I'm just
just
not
I'm
just
I
would
say
I'm
just
I'm just joshing. It turns out 1956 is
I'm
just
joshing
It
turns
out
1956
is
as far back as the numbers go,
as
far
back
as
the
numbers
go
meaning consumer confidence is at the
meaning
consumer
confidence
is
at
the
lowest level ever recorded. Now, that
lowest
level
ever
recorded
Now
that
may sound bad, but that's only because
may
sound
bad
but
that's
only
because
it's never been worse.
it's
never
been
worse
Ooh, there's uh there's more uh tough
Ooh
there's
uh
there's
more
uh
tough
news to chew on. Beef is getting harder
news
to
chew
on
Beef
is
getting
harder
for Americans to afford, which explains
for
Americans
to
afford
which
explains
Pizza Hut's new leftover Easter candy
Pizza
Hut's
new
leftover
Easter
candy
lovers pizza.
lovers
pizza
No one out Peepses the Hut.
No
one
out
Peepses
the
Hut
>> [applause and cheering]
>>
applause
and
cheering
>> Prices
>>
Prices
Prices are rising just as summer
Prices
are
rising
just
as
summer
barbecue season is heating up, to which
barbecue
season
is
heating
up
to
which
your vegan cousin said, "Well, well,
your
vegan
cousin
said
Well
well
well.
well
I guess these tofu ribs don't look so
I
guess
these
tofu
ribs
don't
look
so
bad after all." What's that? They still
bad
after
all
What's
that
They
still
look bad and also weird because they are
look
bad
and
also
weird
because
they
are
shaped like ribs even though they're
shaped
like
ribs
even
though
they're
made out of coagulated soy. Oh.
made
out
of
coagulated
soy
Oh
Fine. Be that way. Nut-based cheese,
Fine
Be
that
way
Nut-based
cheese
anyone?
anyone
Cashew cheddar?
Cashew
cheddar
>> [applause and cheering]
>>
applause
and
cheering
>> It doesn't melt.
>>
It
doesn't
melt
Beef isn't the only American tradition
Beef
isn't
the
only
American
tradition
affected by inflation these days because
affected
by
inflation
these
days
because
it was just announced that 7-Eleven will
it
was
just
announced
that
7-Eleven
will
close 645 US stores this year. 7-Eleven,
close
645
US
stores
this
year
7-Eleven
never forget.
never
forget
>> [cheering]
>>
cheering
[applause]
applause
[cheering]
cheering
>> The company explained that personal
>>
The
company
explained
that
personal
consumption had softened particularly
consumption
had
softened
particularly
among low-income households as inflation
among
low-income
households
as
inflation
continued to weigh on spending. Yes,
continued
to
weigh
on
spending
Yes
that's how bad things are in America.
that's
how
bad
things
are
in
America
Folks can't afford to eat at 7-Eleven.
Folks
can't
afford
to
eat
at
7-Eleven
What's next? Are Americans going to be
What's
next
Are
Americans
going
to
be
forced to limit themselves to a sensible
forced
to
limit
themselves
to
a
sensible
gulp?
gulp
Damn it, this is America. I do not
Damn
it
this
is
America
I
do
not
believe I should have to drink from any
believe
I
should
have
to
drink
from
any
cup I couldn't possibly also drown in.
cup
I
couldn't
possibly
also
drown
in
I should need a snorkel
I
should
need
a
snorkel
>> [applause]
>>
applause
>> Just for safety reasons.
>>
Just
for
safety
reasons
Also, season one.
Also
season
one
Also, a season one joke.
Also
a
season
one
joke
>> [applause]
>>
applause
>> As I said, this inflation is being
>>
As
I
said
this
inflation
is
being
caused by the war, but it's really not
caused
by
the
war
but
it's
really
not
that bad according to Trump's director
that
bad
according
to
Trump's
director
of the National Economic Council and
of
the
National
Economic
Council
and
jolly skin tag, Kevin Hassett.
jolly
skin
tag
Kevin
Hassett
Hassett.
Hassett
Hassett went on, uh, he went on the CNBC
Hassett
went
on
uh
he
went
on
the
CNBC
CNBC yesterday to explain what might
CNBC
yesterday
to
explain
what
might
bring prices down. Imagine if if oil
bring
prices
down
Imagine
if
if
oil
prices start going back down because the
prices
start
going
back
down
because
the
situation resolves itself somehow, then
situation
resolves
itself
somehow
then
you could be looking at an inflation
you
could
be
looking
at
an
inflation
close to zero. Yes.
close
to
zero
Yes
Yes, the situation might resolve itself.
Yes
the
situation
might
resolve
itself
somehow.
somehow
Until then, all America has to do is use
Until
then
all
America
has
to
do
is
use
their imagination.
their
imagination
Imagine. No, imagine.
Imagine
No
imagine
>> [applause and cheering]
>>
applause
and
cheering
>> My friends, imagine a car made of
>>
My
friends
imagine
a
car
made
of
licorice somehow
licorice
somehow
and it somehow runs on dreams and
and
it
somehow
runs
on
dreams
and
somehow your best friend is a musical
somehow
your
best
friend
is
a
musical
dog and Kevin Hassett isn't an idiot
dog
and
Kevin
Hassett
isn't
an
idiot
somehow.
somehow
Imagination.
Imagination
>> [applause]
>>
applause
[cheering]
cheering
>> Hassett Hassett's not the only one
>>
Hassett
Hassett's
not
the
only
one
having trouble putting a positive spin
having
trouble
putting
a
positive
spin
on America's energy future under Trump.
on
America's
energy
future
under
Trump
Here's his energy secretary, Chris
Here's
his
energy
secretary
Chris
Wright. Just because it looks like we're
Wright
Just
because
it
looks
like
we're
going the wrong direction does not mean
going
the
wrong
direction
does
not
mean
that's the DIRECTION WE'RE GOING.
that's
the
DIRECTION
WE'RE
GOING
>> [cheering]
>>
cheering
>> THERE YOU GO. YES, WELL SAID. WELL SAID.
>>
THERE
YOU
GO
YES
WELL
SAID
WELL
SAID
And is this, is this true? I'm told we, we
And
is
this
is
this
true
I'm
told
we
we
actually have video of where America's
actually
have
video
of
where
America's
headed.
headed
This is not THE DIRECTION I'M GOING.
This
is
not
THE
DIRECTION
I'M
GOING
>> [applause]
>>
applause
[cheering]
cheering
>> It's not actually headed that way
>>
It's
not
actually
headed
that
way
though.
though
It's not.
It's
not
It's not just the war and the economy.
It's
not
just
the
war
and
the
economy
Trump is still in holy hot water with
Trump
is
still
in
holy
hot
water
with
his supporters after he posted this AI
his
supporters
after
he
posted
this
AI
image of himself as Jesus.
image
of
himself
as
Jesus
Then, when people got mad, he deleted it
Then
when
people
got
mad
he
deleted
it
and lied to reporters. It's supposed to
and
lied
to
reporters
It's
supposed
to
be me as a doctor. Yes.
be
me
as
a
doctor
Yes
No, it's true. Listen up, folks. Listen
No
it's
true
Listen
up
folks
Listen
up. Yes, I'm a doctor here, okay?
up
Yes
I'm
a
doctor
here
okay
That's a doctor. That's clearly me in
That's
a
doctor
That's
clearly
me
in
the hospital. By the way, that robe
the
hospital
By
the
way
that
robe
there, it's open in the back, okay?
there
it's
open
in
the
back
okay
This guy right here,
This
guy
right
here
this guy behind me,
this
guy
behind
me
>> [cheering and applause]
>>
cheering
and
applause
>> This guy is getting an eyeful of my
>>
This
guy
is
getting
an
eyeful
of
my
loaves and fishes, if you know what I
loaves
and
fishes
if
you
know
what
I
mean.
mean
>> [cheering]
>>
cheering
>> The problem The problem with lying to
>>
The
problem
The
problem
with
lying
to
conservative Christian MAGA about this
conservative
Christian
MAGA
about
this
photo is that they know what American
photo
is
that
they
know
what
American
Jesus looks like.
Jesus
looks
like
And it's, and it's this.
And
it's
and
it's
this
They're not buying his bull. According
They're
not
buying
his
bull
According
To one GOP fundraiser, Trump got
To
one
GOP
fundraiser
Trump
got
significant pushback from evangelicals
significant
pushback
from
evangelicals
and Catholics, both sides of the
and
Catholics
both
sides
of
the
Christian aisle. And he cannot lose the
Christian
aisle
And
he
cannot
lose
the
Christian aisle. That's the part of the
Christian
aisle
That's
the
part
of
the
grocery store where they sell MAGA's
grocery
store
where
they
sell
MAGA's
most popular cereal, Christ Crisp-E's.
most
popular
cereal
Christ
Crisp-E's
Snap, crackle, and Pope.
Snap
crackle
and
Pope
>> [cheering]
>>
cheering
>> One reporter
>>
One
reporter
>> [cheering]
>>
cheering
>> Nice.
>>
Nice
>> [applause]
>>
applause
>> One reporter reached out to some Trump
>>
One
reporter
reached
out
to
some
Trump
voters in Florida to get their reaction.
voters
in
Florida
to
get
their
reaction
Personally, it's disgusting. I talked to
Personally
it's
disgusting
I
talked
to
my wife about it earlier. I mean, I
my
wife
about
it
earlier
I
mean
I
Jesus Christ is my Lord and Savior, and
Jesus
Christ
is
my
Lord
and
Savior
and
that right there is, I mean, that's I, I, I
that
right
there
is
I
mean
that's
I
I
I
don't really have words for that. That's
don't
really
have
words
for
that
That's
disgusting.
disgusting
>> As a Christian, how do you feel when you
>>
As
a
Christian
how
do
you
feel
when
you
see this image?
see
this
image
Offended.
Offended
Yeah, I'm ashamed.
Yeah
I'm
ashamed
I'm ashamed that that's that he would
I'm
ashamed
that
that's
that
he
would
actually do that.
actually
do
that
The man I voted for and trust.
The
man
I
voted
for
and
trust
Clearly, Trump is in danger of losing
Clearly
Trump
is
in
danger
of
losing
his key demo, goateed meat daddies.
his
key
demo
goateed
meat
daddies
Willing.
Willing
>> [cheering]
>>
cheering
>> Willing to talk to strangers at a gas
>>
Willing
to
talk
to
strangers
at
a
gas
station.
station
And they're not alone.
And
they're
not
alone
No, they're not alone. According to one
No
they're
not
alone
According
to
one
conservative radio host, a lot of the
conservative
radio
host
a
lot
of
the
base is becoming exasperated enough to
base
is
becoming
exasperated
enough
to
start looking beyond Trump.
start
looking
beyond
Trump
What? [cheering]
What
cheering
What? I don't even understand that.
What
I
don't
even
understand
that
Did he say [cheering]?
Did
he
say
cheering
Did he say a day beyond Trump?
Did
he
say
a
day
beyond
Trump
I can see it.
I
can
see
it
Oh, everything's so fresh and beautiful.
Oh
everything's
so
fresh
and
beautiful
I can breathe again.
I
can
breathe
again
There, beyond Trump, a new day dawns, and
There
beyond
Trump
a
new
day
dawns
and
Look, here comes the sun. I'm J.D.
Look
here
comes
the
sun
I'm
JD
Vance.
Vance
>> Oh God, no. No, no. No, no. No, no.
>>
Oh
God
no
No
no
No
no
No
no
>> [cheering]
>>
cheering
>> No.
>>
No
>> [cheering]
>>
cheering
>> So, today, to win back the Christian
>>
So
today
to
win
back
the
Christian
voters he offended by depicting himself
voters
he
offended
by
depicting
himself
as AI Jesus, Trump put up a new post
as
AI
Jesus
Trump
put
up
a
new
post
depicting himself canoodling with AI
depicting
himself
canoodling
with
AI
Jesus.
Jesus
>> [cheering]
>>
cheering
>> Wait, what's... Wait, hold on. What's going
>>
Wait
what's
Wait
hold
on
What's
going
on there? Hold on. Zoom out.
on
there
Hold
on
Zoom
out
They're
They're
They're Swayze-ing.
They're
Swayze-ing
Beautiful, really. Think about it. It's
Beautiful
really
Think
about
it
It's
beautiful.
beautiful
Of course,
Of
course
when
when
the Holy Ghost. That's Holy Ghost is
the
Holy
Ghost
That's
Holy
Ghost
is
what that is.
what
that
is
Of course, when the president is facing
Of
course
when
the
president
is
facing
a scandal like this AI Jesus thing, as
a
scandal
like
this
AI
Jesus
thing
as
vice president, it's J.D. Vance's job to
vice
president
it's
JD
Vance's
job
to
get out there to receive a swift kick in
get
out
there
to
receive
a
swift
kick
in
the nuts.
the
nuts
Yesterday, at a Turning Point USA
Yesterday
at
a
Turning
Point
USA
conference down in Georgia, Vance had
conference
down
in
Georgia
Vance
had
some sharp words for Pope Leo
some
sharp
words
for
Pope
Leo
over the Pope's criticism of Trump's
over
the
Pope's
criticism
of
Trump's
Iran war. In the same way that it's
Iran
war
In
the
same
way
that
it's
important for the vice president of the
important
for
the
vice
president
of
the
United States to be careful when I talk
United
States
to
be
careful
when
I
talk
about matters of public policy, I think
about
matters
of
public
policy
I
think
it's very, very important for the Pope
it's
very
very
important
for
the
Pope
to be careful when he talks about
to
be
careful
when
he
talks
about
matters of theology. Wow.
matters
of
theology
Wow
>> [cheering]
>>
cheering
>> Hey. Hey. Hey. J.D., I know you're a
>>
Hey
Hey
Hey
JD
I
know
you're
a
Catholic, but you joined in 2019, okay?
Catholic
but
you
joined
in
2019
okay
I've been genuflecting since the
I've
been
genuflecting
since
the
mid-1960s, and let me tell you, brother,
mid-1960s
and
let
me
tell
you
brother
>> [cheering]
>>
cheering
>> Okay?
>>
Okay
>> [applause]
>>
applause
[cheering]
cheering
>> I think
>>
I
think
>> [applause]
>>
applause
>> I think you're out of, I think you're out
>>
I
think
you're
out
of
I
think
you're
out
No, I'VE, I'VE GOT SOMETHING to say.
No
I'VE
I'VE
GOT
SOMETHING
to
say
I think you're out over your Catholic
I
think
you're
out
over
your
Catholic
skis here, okay? I think it's time for
skis
here
okay
I
think
it's
time
for
you to sit down,
you
to
sit
down
then stand back up,
then
stand
back
up
then kneel, then stand again,
then
kneel
then
stand
again
then shake hands with people around you,
then
shake
hands
with
people
around
you
then kneel a little more, then go take
then
kneel
a
little
more
then
go
take
communion,
communion
>> [cheering and applause]
>>
cheering
and
applause
>> And then go back to your pew for some
>>
And
then
go
back
to
your
pew
for
some
more kneeling 'cause you're not sneaking
more
kneeling
'cause
you're
not
sneaking
out of here after communion 'cause you know
out
of
here
after
communion
'cause
you
know
who left the Last Supper early? Judas.
who
left
the
Last
Supper
early
Judas
>> [cheering]
>>
cheering
>> We got a GREAT SHOW FOR YOU TONIGHT.
>>
We
got
a
GREAT
SHOW
FOR
YOU
TONIGHT
My guests
My
guests
are Anne Hathaway,
are
Anne
Hathaway
and comedian Josh Johnson. Don't want to
and
comedian
Josh
Johnson
Don't
want
to
come back. It's ladies' night, y'all.
come
back
It's
ladies'
night
y'all
>> [cheering]
>>
cheering
[music]
music
[music]
music
[music]
music
[cheering]
cheering
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