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Thank you. Welcome, welcome one and all
Thank
you
Welcome
welcome
one
and
all
in here out there, Mr. Mrs. America and
in
here
out
there
Mr
Mrs
America
and
all the ships at Sea of the Late Show.
all
the
ships
at
Sea
of
the
Late
Show
I'm your host, Stephen Colbert.
I'm
your
host
Stephen
Colbert
There you go, my friend.
There
you
go
my
friend
It is yet another day when the entire
It
is
yet
another
day
when
the
entire
world is on edge over Donald Trump's
world
is
on
edge
over
Donald
Trump's
senseless and elective war with the
senseless
and
elective
war
with
the
Pope. The
Pope
The
president of the United States has been
president
of
the
United
States
has
been
raging at the pontiff ever since Leo
raging
at
the
pontiff
ever
since
Leo
brazenly pointed out war is bad.
brazenly
pointed
out
war
is
bad
Trump's allies have been quick to jump
Trump's
allies
have
been
quick
to
jump
in and defend him like Speaker Mike
in
and
defend
him
like
Speaker
Mike
Johnson who said this about the pope.
Johnson
who
said
this
about
the
pope
>> I was taken a little bit aback just
>>
I
was
taken
a
little
bit
aback
just
honestly frankly by um something that
honestly
frankly
by
um
something
that
was said. I think he said several days
was
said
I
think
he
said
several
days
back that um something about those who
back
that
um
something
about
those
who
engage in war, you know, that Jesus
engage
in
war
you
know
that
Jesus
doesn't hear their prayers or something.
doesn't
hear
their
prayers
or
something
Um, you know, it is it is a very well
Um
you
know
it
is
it
is
a
very
well
settled matter of of Christian theology.
settled
matter
of
of
Christian
theology
There's something called the just war
There's
something
called
the
just
war
doctrine. Correcting the pope
doctrine
Correcting
the
pope
on Catholic theology
on
Catholic
theology
is a little like going into the woods
is
a
little
like
going
into
the
woods
and saying, "Uh, excuse me, Mr. Bear. Do
and
saying
Uh
excuse
me
Mr
Bear
Do
you really think this is the appropriate
you
really
think
this
is
the
appropriate
place for you to be pooping?"
place
for
you
to
be
pooping
Really? Really? Who's going to clean
Really
Really
Who's
going
to
clean
that up?
that
up
If you don't know and you may not, uh,
If
you
don't
know
and
you
may
not
uh
just war is a Catholic doctrine that
just
war
is
a
Catholic
doctrine
that
goes all the way back to the church
goes
all
the
way
back
to
the
church
fathers, St. Ambrose and St. Augustine.
fathers
St
Ambrose
and
St
Augustine
And there are many criteria, including
And
there
are
many
criteria
including
it must be in self-defense once all
it
must
be
in
self-defense
once
all
peace efforts have failed. Only then can
peace
efforts
have
failed
Only
then
can
the war be said to have just cause, as
the
war
be
said
to
have
just
cause
as
opposed to Trump, who appears to have
opposed
to
Trump
who
appears
to
have
taken us to war just cuz
taken
us
to
war
just
cuz
the Pope the Pope came back.
the
Pope
the
Pope
came
back
worthwhile walk down the uh the
worthwhile
walk
down
the
uh
the
Narthex.
Narthex
The Pope came back swinging today on
The
Pope
came
back
swinging
today
on
social media posting, "Woe to those who
social
media
posting
Woe
to
those
who
manipulate religion and the very name of
manipulate
religion
and
the
very
name
of
God for their own military, economic,
God
for
their
own
military
economic
and political gain, dragging that which
and
political
gain
dragging
that
which
is sacred into darkness and filth. Damn
is
sacred
into
darkness
and
filth
Damn
Trump.
Trump
Damn, son. The Pope just read you for
Damn
son
The
Pope
just
read
you
for
darkness and filth.
darkness
and
filth
And the Pope wasn't done poping because
And
the
Pope
wasn't
done
poping
because
today he was in Cameroon and he said the
today
he
was
in
Cameroon
and
he
said
the
world is being ravaged by a handful of
world
is
being
ravaged
by
a
handful
of
tyrants.
tyrants
Handful of tyrants. That is rough. Even
Handful
of
tyrants
That
is
rough
Even
worse when you look at the hand.
worse
when
you
look
at
the
hand
Trump's ongoing papal feud. And
Trump's
ongoing
papal
feud
And
I love saying that sentence.
I
love
saying
that
sentence
Trump's ongoing papal feud has failed to
Trump's
ongoing
papal
feud
has
failed
to
distract anyone from this picture he
distract
anyone
from
this
picture
he
posted of himself as Jesus.
posted
of
himself
as
Jesus
Dude, you can't compare yourself to
Dude
you
can't
compare
yourself
to
Jesus. For one thing, Jesus's father
Jesus
For
one
thing
Jesus's
father
loved him.
loved
him
People
People
people got
people
got
cold.
cold
People, people got upset about that
People
people
got
upset
about
that
image. I mean, naturally. So, so Trump
image
I
mean
naturally
So
so
Trump
took the picture down, then immediately
took
the
picture
down
then
immediately
posted another one where he's apparently
posted
another
one
where
he's
apparently
going to prom with Jesus.
going
to
prom
with
Jesus
Next, he's posting their pick from the
Next
he's
posting
their
pick
from
the
Sears Portrait Gallery.
Sears
Portrait
Gallery
Looks good. Looks good. Trump's not the
Looks
good
Looks
good
Trump's
not
the
only member of his administration
only
member
of
his
administration
messing with religion. So is Secretary
messing
with
religion
So
is
Secretary
of Defense and and Frankenstein's lawyer
of
Defense
and
and
Frankenstein's
lawyer
Pete Hegseth.
Pete
Hegseth
Yesterday, Secretary Hegseth read a
Yesterday
Secretary
Hegseth
read
a
prayer at the Pentagon worship service
prayer
at
the
Pentagon
worship
service
and uh that he said was recounted to him
and
uh
that
he
said
was
recounted
to
him
by some service members. And people
by
some
service
members
And
people
quickly noticed that there was something
quickly
noticed
that
there
was
something
fishy about this prayer. See if you can
fishy
about
this
prayer
See
if
you
can
spot it.
spot
it
>> They call it Ezekiel 25:17,
>>
They
call
it
Ezekiel
25:17
which I think is meant to reflect
which
I
think
is
meant
to
reflect
Ezekiel 25:17.
Ezekiel
25:17
The path of the righteous man is beset
The
path
of
the
righteous
man
is
beset
on all sides by the iniquities of the
on
all
sides
by
the
iniquities
of
the
selfish and the tyranny of evil men.
selfish
and
the
tyranny
of
evil
men
>> Now, if that doesn't sound like it's
>>
Now
if
that
doesn't
sound
like
it's
from the Bible, that's because it's not.
from
the
Bible
that's
because
it's
not
>> Want to know what it's from?
>>
Want
to
know
what
it's
from
>> Well, here's a hint. The path of the
>>
Well
here's
a
hint
The
path
of
the
righteous man is beset on all sides by
righteous
man
is
beset
on
all
sides
by
the iniquities of the selfish and the
the
iniquities
of
the
selfish
and
the
terror of evil men.
terror
of
evil
men
Wow.
Wow
Oh,
Oh
that's quoting from the gospel of
that's
quoting
from
the
gospel
of
Quentin Tarantino.
Quentin
Tarantino
If you're not familiar with that gospel,
If
you're
not
familiar
with
that
gospel
it's like the regular Bible, but
it's
like
the
regular
Bible
but
Tarantino's Jesus says the n-word a lot.
Tarantino's
Jesus
says
the
n-word
a
lot
Also, Quentin's version really lingers
Also
Quentin's
version
really
lingers
on the feet wash and stuff.
on
the
feet
wash
and
stuff
Similarities continue. Let's take a
Similarities
continue
Let's
take
a
look.
look
>> For he is truly his brother's keeper and
>>
For
he
is
truly
his
brother's
keeper
and
the finder of lost children.
the
finder
of
lost
children
>> For he is truly his brother's keeper and
>>
For
he
is
truly
his
brother's
keeper
and
the finder of lost children.
the
finder
of
lost
children
>> And I will strike down upon thee with
>>
And
I
will
strike
down
upon
thee
with
great vengeance and furious anger.
great
vengeance
and
furious
anger
>> And I will strike down upon thee with
>>
And
I
will
strike
down
upon
thee
with
great vengeance and furious anger. Those
great
vengeance
and
furious
anger
Those
who attempt to capture and destroy my
who
attempt
to
capture
and
destroy
my
brother.
brother
>> Those who attempt to capture and destroy
>>
Those
who
attempt
to
capture
and
destroy
my brothers.
my
brothers
>> Wow. That mashup really feels like your
>>
Wow
That
mashup
really
feels
like
your
self-tape versus the guy who actually
self-tape
versus
the
guy
who
actually
got the part.
got
the
part
>> Oh, I see. Is that what I was supposed
>>
Oh
I
see
Is
that
what
I
was
supposed
to do?
to
do
Yeah, he's yeah. Oh, so angry. I should
Yeah
he's
yeah
Oh
so
angry
I
should
be angry. Okay. Got it. Got it. Got it.
be
angry
Okay
Got
it
Got
it
Got
it
Hire that guy. Yeah, hire that guy. But
Hire
that
guy
Yeah
hire
that
guy
But
despite all this, I want Hegseth to
despite
all
this
I
want
Hegseth
to
succeed. He's the Secretary of Defense.
succeed
He's
the
Secretary
of
Defense
If he succeeds, that means America
If
he
succeeds
that
means
America
succeeds. So, please join me in prayer.
succeeds
So
please
join
me
in
prayer
God, I'm talking to you. You talking to
God
I'm
talking
to
you
You
talking
to
me?
me
Are you talking to me?
Are
you
talking
to
me
War is like a box of chocolates.
War
is
like
a
box
of
chocolates
I am tired of these MOTHER SINS ON MY
I
am
tired
of
these
MOTHER
SINS
ON
MY
MOTHER SOUL.
MOTHER
SOUL
THAT'LL DO, GOD. That'll do.
THAT'LL
DO
GOD
That'll
do
Trump responded to the controversy today
Trump
responded
to
the
controversy
today
in the triumphant return of
in
the
triumphant
return
of
Chopper Talk.
Chopper
Talk
On his way out to Marine One, he was asked
On
his
way
out
to
Marine
One
he
was
asked
about his dust-up with the Vicar of
about
his
dust-up
with
the
Vicar
of
Christ.
Christ
>> There was a group of bishops that did
>>
There
was
a
group
of
bishops
that
did
put out a statement saying the pope
put
out
a
statement
saying
the
pope
isn't merely exercising his opinion.
isn't
merely
exercising
his
opinion
He's preaching the gospel. What do you
He's
preaching
the
gospel
What
do
you
say to people that do this?
say
to
people
that
do
this
>> Well, I want him to preach the gospel.
>>
Well
I
want
him
to
preach
the
gospel
I'm all about the gospel. I'm all about
I'm
all
about
the
gospel
I'm
all
about
the gospel. I'm all about the gospel.
the
gospel
I'm
all
about
the
gospel
No, folks, I love Ryan Gosling. He was
No
folks
I
love
Ryan
Gosling
He
was
great in Project Hail Mary and Barbie. I
great
in
Project
Hail
Mary
and
Barbie
I
did not see La La Land,
did
not
see
La
La
Land
but I do know it's Spanish for the the
but
I
do
know
it's
Spanish
for
the
the
land.
land
Also great as Deadpool.
Also
great
as
Deadpool
>> He was also asked about skyrocketing fuel
>>
He
was
also
asked
about
skyrocketing
fuel
prices.
prices
>> How much longer will Americans continue
>>
How
much
longer
will
Americans
continue
to see these high gas prices?
to
see
these
high
gas
prices
>> Well, they're not very high.
>>
Well
they're
not
very
high
>> They're not very high.
>>
They're
not
very
high
Are you very high?
Are
you
very
high
and
and
and if so, what have you been huffing
and
if
so
what
have
you
been
huffing
off a rag? Cuz I know gas is way too
off
a
rag
Cuz
I
know
gas
is
way
too
expensive right now.
expensive
right
now
California Congresswoman Sydney Kloger
California
Congresswoman
Sydney
Kloger
Dove was asked about it and she had,
Dove
was
asked
about
it
and
she
had
let's say, a strong opinion. Are you
let's
say
a
strong
opinion
Are
you
concerned about the impact that this war
concerned
about
the
impact
that
this
war
in Iran is having on our national debt?
in
Iran
is
having
on
our
national
debt
>> Oh my god. Yes, of course I am. You
>>
Oh
my
god
Yes
of
course
I
am
You
wouldn't Stevie Wonder even see how
wouldn't
Stevie
Wonder
even
see
how
much this is costing us. So gas prices
much
this
is
costing
us
So
gas
prices
are going up. It's almost $10 in
are
going
up
It's
almost
10
in
California and uh fertilizer is going
California
and
uh
fertilizer
is
going
up. I mean, you name it, the prices have
up
I
mean
you
name
it
the
prices
have
gone up. And this dude, Dr. Jesus, okay,
gone
up
And
this
dude
Dr
Jesus
okay
is wanting to spend $2 billion of your
is
wanting
to
spend
2
billion
of
your
money every single day rather than help
money
every
single
day
rather
than
help
you get health care. His ass.
you
get
health
care
His
ass
Uh, no thank you.
Uh
no
thank
you
Well,
Well
moving on.
moving
on
The holiday season is right around the
The
holiday
season
is
right
around
the
corner and uh it's a long corner, but
corner
and
uh
it's
a
long
corner
but
it's out there. And we've got a
it's
out
there
And
we've
got
a
scandalous update on a Christmas
scandalous
update
on
a
Christmas
tradition because this week we learned
tradition
because
this
week
we
learned
that the organizer of New York Santa Con
that
the
organizer
of
New
York
Santa
Con
was accused of pocketing more than $1
was
accused
of
pocketing
more
than
1
million earmarked for charities.
million
earmarked
for
charities
Oh my god, it sounds like Santa might be
Oh
my
god
it
sounds
like
Santa
might
be
some kind of Kringle scam.
some
kind
of
Kringle
scam
For those who don't know, uh, Santa Con
For
those
who
don't
know
uh
Santa
Con
is an annual Christmas themed
is
an
annual
Christmas
themed
barcrawl/crime against humanity. The
barcrawl/crime
against
humanity
The
disgraced organizer is Stefan Pildis of
disgraced
organizer
is
Stefan
Pildis
of
New Jersey. Pildis allegedly pocketed
New
Jersey
Pildis
allegedly
pocketed
the SantaCon cash that was supposed to
the
SantaCon
cash
that
was
supposed
to
go to charities like City Harvest, City
go
to
charities
like
City
Harvest
City
Parks Foundation, and the Children's
Parks
Foundation
and
the
Children's
Heart Foundation. My god, the only thing
Heart
Foundation
My
god
the
only
thing
worse would be if this guy stole from
worse
would
be
if
this
guy
stole
from
wheelchairs for puppies with glasses.
wheelchairs
for
puppies
with
glasses
That would be bad is what I'm saying.
That
would
be
bad
is
what
I'm
saying
That would be not a good thing.
That
would
be
not
a
good
thing
Here's some shocking news. You
Here's
some
shocking
news
You
know the shoe brand Allbirds? Well,
know
the
shoe
brand
Allbirds
Well
they have announced a hard pivot from
they
have
announced
a
hard
pivot
from
footwear into AI.
footwear
into
AI
That is the most random 180 since that
That
is
the
most
random
180
since
that
insurance company debuted this slogan.
insurance
company
debuted
this
slogan
>> Nationwide makes shampoo.
>>
Nationwide
makes
shampoo
>> Yeah. Doesn't make any sense.
>>
Yeah
Doesn't
make
any
sense
On Wednesday, Allbirds announced it is
On
Wednesday
Allbirds
announced
it
is
leaving shoes behind for AI compute
leaving
shoes
behind
for
AI
compute
infrastructure and will change its name
infrastructure
and
will
change
its
name
to New Bird AI. Keep in mind, Allbirds'
to
New
Bird
AI
Keep
in
mind
Allbirds'
founding mission statement was to create
founding
mission
statement
was
to
create
quote an entirely new category of shoes
quote
an
entirely
new
category
of
shoes
inspired by natural materials guided by
inspired
by
natural
materials
guided
by
an ethos to create better things in a
an
ethos
to
create
better
things
in
a
better way. And now, incredibly not
better
way
And
now
incredibly
not
that.
that
This is just like when Arby's changed
This
is
just
like
when
Arby's
changed
their slogan to Arby's, we have the
their
slogan
to
Arby's
we
have
the
braz.
braz
Wait, I got another one. This is like
Wait
I
got
another
one
This
is
like
when Nike changed their slogan to just
when
Nike
changed
their
slogan
to
just
clam chowder.
clam
chowder
Or when the dairy industry changed their
Or
when
the
dairy
industry
changed
their
slogan to got milk? Nope. Trucks.
slogan
to
got
milk
Nope
Trucks
We got a great show for you tonight.
We
got
a
great
show
for
you
tonight
My guests are Anderson Cooper and Matt
My
guests
are
Anderson
Cooper
and
Matt
Oswalt.
Oswalt
back. Some exciting announcements.
back
Some
exciting
announcements
Yeah.
Yeah
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