Watch and Learn - The Daily Show Celebrates 250 Years of America, and Maybe 250 More?

Play video to start Duration: 27m23s

Tap to scroll to a caption.

Tap word for more information.

[THEME MUSIC]

THEME MUSIC

# #

I need some--

I need some-

some good news.

some good news

I need some-- I need some relief, and I'll tell you why.

I need some- I need some relief and I'll tell you why

Because, as many of you know, that big Freedom 250

Because as many of you know that big Freedom 250

concert that I'd so been looking forward to--

concert that I'd so been looking forward to-

[LAUGHTER]

LAUGHTER

I think someone in the audience just died.

I think someone in the audience just died

The concert I've so been looking forward to

has run into some problems.

has run into some problems

REPORTER: Six musical artists originally announced

as performers now dropping out, many citing political concerns.

as performers now dropping out many citing political concerns

REPORTER: The Commodores, Martina McBride, Morris Day and

REPORTER: The Commodores Martina McBride Morris Day and

The Time, rapper Young MC, and Poison frontman Bret Michaels.

The Time rapper Young MC and Poison frontman Bret Michaels

Tough break.

Tough break

[LAUGHTER]

LAUGHTER

Although at this point, wouldn't he just be MC?

Although at this point wouldn't he just be MC

[LAUGHTER]

LAUGHTER

Brother, I feel you.

Brother I feel you

I feel you.

I feel you

Or just, like, You're As Young As You Feel MC.

Or just like You're As Young As You Feel MC

60 is the New 40 MC.

60 is the New 40 MC

All right.

All right

But damn!

But damn

They didn't want to be a part of Donald Trump's personal and

political concert.

political concert

Is anyone still performing?

Is anyone still performing

America is turning 250.

America is turning 250

I'm super honored to do this concert with everybody.

I'm super honored to do this concert with everybody

We're going to bring back the '90s.

We're going to bring back the '90s

There you go!

There you go

See, everybody dropped out, but not Vanilla Ice.

See everybody dropped out but not Vanilla Ice

Vanilla Ice didn't drop out.

Vanilla Ice didn't drop out

He saw a problem, and, yo, he solved it.

He saw a problem and yo he solved it

[APPLAUSE]

APPLAUSE

He solved it.

He solved it

You should really check out his hook while his DJ--

You should really check out his hook while his DJ-

all right.

all right

Again, say what you want.

Again say what you want

Very likable fella.

Very likable fella

And by the way, the other artist

And by the way the other artist

who said that they are not bailing

is C+C Music Factory, who, as you know,

is C+C Music Factory who as you know

were devastated by globalization

in the offshoring of most of America's music factories.

in the offshoring of most of America's music factories

Their front man, Freedom Williams, had an interesting,

Their front man Freedom Williams had an interesting

I would say somewhat philosophical,

I would say somewhat philosophical

take on the issue of the intersection

of performance and politics.

of performance and politics

[LAUGHTER]

LAUGHTER

Sir, if this is not a good time,

Sir if this is not a good time

we can certainly come back and discuss this later.

we can certainly come back and discuss this later

But, look, you know, let's not focus on where

But look you know let's not focus on where

he's making the video.

he's making the video

Or his Katniss and Peeta fanfic shirt.

Or his Katniss and Peeta fanfic shirt

Or the cottagecore wallpaper.

Or the cottagecore wallpaper

Let's focus on the message.

Let's focus on the message

All right.

All right

Pretty-- pretty straightforward.

Pretty- pretty straightforward

You love this country, critics be damned.

You love this country critics be damned

[LAUGHTER]

LAUGHTER

Maybe "love" was too strong a word.

Maybe love was too strong a word

Why, Freedom, would you do the show

Why Freedom would you do the show

celebrating 250 years of mother-[BLEEP]

celebrating 250 years of mother-BLEEP

capitalism and death?

capitalism and death

[LAUGHTER]

LAUGHTER

# Everybody dance now #

# Doo doo doo doo #

# Everybody dance #

By the way, who's Kim El Jun?

By the way who's Kim El Jun

Is that, like, the Mexican Kim Jong Un?

Is that like the Mexican Kim Jong Un

He might be my favorite person in the world right now.

He might be my favorite person in the world right now

But, by the way, if you thought Freedom Williams ranting

But by the way if you thought Freedom Williams ranting

about our murderous nation and our president with his [BLEEP]

about our murderous nation and our president with his BLEEP

in his hand is the weirdest thing about how this concert is

coming together, guess again.

coming together guess again

REPORTER: According to CNN, quote,

REPORTER: According to CNN quote

"The concert lineup was heavily tilted toward legacy acts,

The concert lineup was heavily tilted toward legacy acts

and many of them shared the same

booking agent in Jeff Epstein of Universal Attractions."

booking agent in Jeff Epstein of Universal Attractions

[AUDIENCE EXCLAIMS]

AUDIENCE EXCLAIMS

Ta-da!

Ta-da

[APPLAUSE]

APPLAUSE

What the [BLEEP]?

What the BLEEP

Jeff Epstein of Universal Attractions

is in charge of, forgive me, recruiting talent

is in charge of forgive me recruiting talent

for a Donald Trump party?

for a Donald Trump party

That's what you're telling me?

That's what you're telling me

In planning our country's 250th birthday,

In planning our country's 250th birthday

somebody had to go into Donald Trump's office and say,

somebody had to go into Donald Trump's office and say

I know just the guy.

I know just the guy

JORDAN KLEPPER: As America heads towards its 250th

birthday, there are partisan and non-partisan celebrations

birthday there are partisan and non-partisan celebrations

happening all over the US.

happening all over the US

But how is a country so divided approaching this big day?

But how is a country so divided approaching this big day

I went to New Orleans for an America 250 event,

I went to New Orleans for an America 250 event

full of Navy boats and tall ships,

full of Navy boats and tall ships

to check out the festivities.

to check out the festivities

Happy birthday, America.

Happy birthday America

Woo-hoo!

Woo-hoo

It's for the 250th anniversary of America.

It's for the 250th anniversary of America

You know which one that is?

You know which one that is

Bicentennial?

Bicentennial

Bicentennial, that's two.

Bicentennial that's two

That's two tennials. - OK.

That's two tennials OK

What--

What-

Bi-- bi-half-centennial?

Bi- bi-half-centennial

Not a half of bi-- and so "bi" is the two.

Not a half of bi- and so bi is the two

There's a sesqui.

There's a sesqui

Semiquince--

Semiquince-

[STAMMERING]

STAMMERING

Quint-- quinteth--

Quint- quinteth-

Quinte-- it's semiquint-- it's not "quintessential."

Quinte- it's semiquint- it's not quintessential

The semiquinceñera.

The semiquinceñera

The semiquinceañera.

The semiquinceañera

Quinceanera?

Quinceanera

Yes.

Yes

We're celebrating America's semiquinceañera.

We're celebrating America's semiquinceañera

That ain't it.

That ain't it

A bisesquin--

A bisesquin-

The 250th.

The 250th

The [BLEEP] 250th.

The BLEEP 250th

OK yeah.

OK yeah

JORDAN KLEPPER: If 25 is silver and 50 is gold,

JORDAN KLEPPER: If 25 is silver and 50 is gold

what the hell do you get for a semiquincentennial?

what the hell do you get for a semiquincentennial

What do you get a country that has everything?

What do you get a country that has everything

Besides health insurance and responsible gun reform?

Besides health insurance and responsible gun reform

What do you get America?

What do you get America

- A T-shirt. - A T-shirt.

A T-shirt A T-shirt

It's pretty old.

It's pretty old

What would I get, like, my grandparents?

What would I get like my grandparents

Probably, like, some like, malware protection.

Probably like some like malware protection

I would give America a nice tall mug of common sense.

I would give America a nice tall mug of common sense

It doesn't smell like common sense.

It doesn't smell like common sense

I have more. Would you like some?

I have more Would you like some

I usually wait till after 5:00 to have my common sense.

I usually wait till after 5:00 to have my common sense

A new ballroom, maybe?

A new ballroom maybe

Of course. That's great.

Of course That's great

That is great.

That is great

Are you excited about the ballroom?

Are you excited about the ballroom

I am. JORDAN KLEPPER: Yeah?

I am JORDAN KLEPPER: Yeah

Yes. JORDAN KLEPPER: Why is that?

Yes JORDAN KLEPPER: Why is that

What's so exciting about the ballroom?

What's so exciting about the ballroom

I think we need it. JORDAN KLEPPER: Yeah?

I think we need it JORDAN KLEPPER: Yeah

I do.

I do

You know, I remember going to the voting booth

You know I remember going to the voting booth

and being like, the first priority for me,

and being like the first priority for me

a good space for the Lindy Hop.

a good space for the Lindy Hop

That's important.

That's important

JORDAN KLEPPER: And depending on who you're asking,

JORDAN KLEPPER: And depending on who you're asking

America is either the hottest country

or an empire in decline.

or an empire in decline

We've made it 250 years.

We've made it 250 years

How many more do you think we have?

How many more do you think we have

JORDAN KLEPPER: Infinite.

JORDAN KLEPPER: Infinite

That's an optimist right there.

That's an optimist right there

Come on.

Come on

You're an optimist, or you don't read the news.

You're an optimist or you don't read the news

This is the end, the beginning

This is the end the beginning

of the end, the start of the end,

of the end the start of the end

however you want to put that.

however you want to put that

It's-- we're on our way out.

It's- we're on our way out

I don't know where we're going, but we're going somewhere.

I don't know where we're going but we're going somewhere

I just-- I look at all the other countries.

I just- I look at all the other countries

America is in its teenage years.

America is in its teenage years

You think we're that youthful?

You think we're that youthful

Have you seen the Senate? - Yeah.

Have you seen the Senate Yeah

JORDAN KLEPPER: But Americans know

age is nothing but a number, especially

age is nothing but a number especially

when you consider our youthful commander in chief.

when you consider our youthful commander in chief

How do you think the president's doing?

How do you think the president's doing

Great. So great.

Great So great

How do you think the president's doing?

How do you think the president's doing

Oh. Dear me.

Oh Dear me

You want to be honest? Pretty shit.

You want to be honest Pretty shit

Pretty shit.

Pretty shit

I think Trump's doing well.

I think Trump's doing well

The economy has grown, and we're

The economy has grown and we're

not having wars everywhere.

not having wars everywhere

Is that true?

Is that true

Well, we're in Iran.

Well we're in Iran

Hopefully that-- that ends soon.

Hopefully that- that ends soon

We are in a war, but we aren't in a war.

We are in a war but we aren't in a war

I mean, I think Trump is trying to be

I mean I think Trump is trying to be

a kinder, gentler type guy.

a kinder gentler type guy

More statesman this time.

More statesman this time

You think Trump's being a little bit

more statesman this time? - Yes, I do.

more statesman this time Yes I do

He did talk about erasing an entire civilization.

He did talk about erasing an entire civilization

He did.

He did

That feels a little less statesman-y to me.

That feels a little less statesman-y to me

Sometimes a lot of talk.

Sometimes a lot of talk

Has Trump reached out to you to help with opening up

that Strait of Hormuz at all?

that Strait of Hormuz at all

No, but if he did, I can't say that I--

No but if he did I can't say that I-

I'd sail briskly under that condition.

I'd sail briskly under that condition

I was going to say.

I was going to say

Even a man pretending to be a pirate is like, come on, man,

Even a man pretending to be a pirate is like come on man

you gotta put some time and effort into that.

you gotta put some time and effort into that

- Show me the plan. - Show me the plan.

Show me the plan Show me the plan

Show me the plan.

Show me the plan

How do you think the president's doing?

How do you think the president's doing

The country, I feel like, it's starting to go-- get--

The country I feel like it's starting to go- get-

go in a better direction.

go in a better direction

He ran on no new wars.

He ran on no new wars

Very true.

Very true

What do you think about all the new wars?

What do you think about all the new wars

True.

True

You got me there.

You got me there

That's OK.

That's OK

Yeah.

Yeah

Release those Epstein files.

Release those Epstein files

- I agree there. - Yes.

I agree there Yes

How do you think about those Epstein files not

being released?

being released

I think the wars are more so to cover that,

I think the wars are more so to cover that

to get people's attention away from that,

to get people's attention away from that

so nobody's focusing.

so nobody's focusing

Would you vote for him again?

Would you vote for him again

- I don't know. - You don't know?

I don't know You don't know

OK.

Starting a war to distract from not releasing the Epstein files

is definitely a almost deal-breaker?

is definitely a almost deal-breaker

- Yes. - OK.

Yes OK

OK.

A strong almost. - Almost.

A strong almost Almost

JORDAN KLEPPER: One potential deal-breaker

for even some Republicans has been

Trump's on-again, off-again settlement

Trump's on-again off-again settlement

fund set aside for allies and J6ers who

claim judicial persecution.

claim judicial persecution

I think those people, the people at January 6,

I think those people the people at January 6

weren't treated as fairly as other protesters have been.

weren't treated as fairly as other protesters have been

You don't think they were treated fairly?

You don't think they were treated fairly

I don't think they were treated fairly at all.

I don't think they were treated fairly at all

You think they deserve some cash?

You think they deserve some cash

I think they do deserve a little bit of money

based on what happened.

based on what happened

OK, so this guy spraying the-- the cop

OK so this guy spraying the- the cop

with pepper spray, how much money should he get?

with pepper spray how much money should he get

Is this, like, $100,000?

Is this like 100000

Well, I don't know.

Well I don't know

Not that guy.

Not that guy

JORDAN KLEPPER: The guy who owned the camp

Auschwitz sweatshirt at J6? - Not that guy either.

Auschwitz sweatshirt at J6 Not that guy either

- He shouldn't get any? - No.

He shouldn't get any No

No? What about this guy?

No What about this guy

Well, this guy already got a souvenir.

Well this guy already got a souvenir

Do you take that off?

Do you take that off

Like, if you're going to get $100,000--

Like if you're going to get 100000-

I saw that picture. That's funny.

I saw that picture That's funny

- It's funny? - Yeah.

It's funny Yeah

Does humor get you a little bit more cash?

Does humor get you a little bit more cash

Well, I don't know.

Well I don't know

JORDAN KLEPPER: So America is as divided as ever.

JORDAN KLEPPER: So America is as divided as ever

But here in the Big Easy, there are

But here in the Big Easy there are

places where partisanship fades away

and true perspective can be found.

and true perspective can be found

In this moment, we're all together, and we are happy.

In this moment we're all together and we are happy

And I see people of all walks of life,

And I see people of all walks of life

and they're all being accepted here in New Orleans.

and they're all being accepted here in New Orleans

This is the American experiment right here, right?

This is the American experiment right here right

Yes yes.

Yes yes

It's mostly an experiment of how many

alcohols can you put in your body

and throw up before 7:00 PM.

and throw up before 7:00 PM

Yeah. Yeah.

Yeah Yeah

- A little bit. - Yes.

A little bit Yes

Yeah.

Yeah

What drink is most representative of America?

What drink is most representative of America

A hurricane?

A hurricane

I would maybe say a hand grenade.

I would maybe say a hand grenade

What's a hand grenade?

What's a hand grenade

It really has a lot of different types

of alcohol and wine.

of alcohol and wine

And it has some consequences the next day, but night of,

And it has some consequences the next day but night of

it's a really great time.

it's a really great time

That's right.

That's right

And it looks like an actual weapon of war.

And it looks like an actual weapon of war

WOMAN: Yeah.

WOMAN: Yeah

You gotta go get one.

You gotta go get one

JORDAN KLEPPER: OK, America, I'll

JORDAN KLEPPER: OK America I'll

see you at the next 250 event.

see you at the next 250 event

Right after I get some Pedialyte.

Right after I get some Pedialyte

TROY IWATA: It's America's 250th birthday,

TROY IWATA: It's America's 250th birthday

and our government is preserving this

moment in a very special way.

moment in a very special way

REPORTER: As part of the celebration,

REPORTER: As part of the celebration

Congress has mandated the creation of a time capsule.

Congress has mandated the creation of a time capsule

The commission's chairwoman, Rosie Rios, says, quote,

The commission's chairwoman Rosie Rios says quote

"We want future generations to have a clear, authentic window

We want future generations to have a clear authentic window

into who we were at 250."

into who we were at 250

TROY IWATA: So in 250 years, when future Americans

TROY IWATA: So in 250 years when future Americans

open this time capsule, will they

open this time capsule will they

be jealous of the golden age we're currently living in?

be jealous of the golden age we're currently living in

I'm asking present-day patriots what they think.

I'm asking present-day patriots what they think

Now, why is 2026 the best year in American history

Now why is 2026 the best year in American history

to preserve for future generations?

to preserve for future generations

Because-- it's-- it's not.

Because- it's- it's not

- Not really. - Oh.

Not really Oh

Well, I don't think it's the best year to preserve

Well I don't think it's the best year to preserve

for future generations.

for future generations

I would say it's not the best.

I would say it's not the best

I would say it's the worst.

I would say it's the worst

Did you see how 2026 started?

Did you see how 2026 started

Yes.

Yes

Zendaya released, like, nine movies.

Zendaya released like nine movies

What do you think we can put into this time capsule that's

representing America in 2026?

representing America in 2026

The height of American society.

The height of American society

I was thinking, like, a pile of shit, maybe.

I was thinking like a pile of shit maybe

I think if somebody went and took a shit right

outside the White House, pick it

outside the White House pick it

up, put it in a time capsule.

up put it in a time capsule

TROY IWATA: Oh, that's gross.

TROY IWATA: Oh that's gross

Surely people have more positive ideas

and less feces-based ones.

and less feces-based ones

What do you think we should put in this time capsule?

What do you think we should put in this time capsule

Lena Dunham's new memoir.

Lena Dunham's new memoir

Lena Dunham's new memoir, Famesick.

Lena Dunham's new memoir Famesick

That's a really good idea.

That's a really good idea

The people of the future definitely

need Lena Dunham's memoir, Famesick.

need Lena Dunham's memoir Famesick

There was a picture of a burning Cybertruck

in front of Trump Tower.

in front of Trump Tower

I figured that quite encapsulates a few things.

I figured that quite encapsulates a few things

What do you think is more important to put

in the time capsule?

in the time capsule

This map that shows Canada, Greenland, and

This map that shows Canada Greenland and

Cuba still as independent countries or this Labubu?

Cuba still as independent countries or this Labubu

This map right here. Yeah.

This map right here Yeah

Because we don't know in 250 years

if they're still going to be independent.

if they're still going to be independent

Well, we don't know if they're still going to be

Well we don't know if they're still going to be

independent in 250 minutes.

independent in 250 minutes

That's true.

That's true

Labubus are forever.

Labubus are forever

OK.

TROY IWATA: All the pessimism on the streets

was starting to get to me, and soon I found

was starting to get to me and soon I found

myself drinking the haterade.

myself drinking the haterade

[SIGHS]

SIGHS

Is there an item that you think represents America that you

would put in the time capsule?

would put in the time capsule

I'm a teacher of elementary, so a children's book.

I'm a teacher of elementary so a children's book

It's funny that you think children might

know how to read in 250 years.

know how to read in 250 years

We've already lost cursive.

We've already lost cursive

What are some other items, maybe even from the Trump era,

What are some other items maybe even from the Trump era

that could go in there?

that could go in there

Do you think.

Do you think

RFK Jr.'s brainworm would survive in there?

RFK Jr's brainworm would survive in there

I do.

I do

Low-key yeah.

Low-key yeah

I want a voice memo of him speaking, just

I want a voice memo of him speaking just

in general, to be in there. - Oh, OK.

in general to be in there Oh OK

Do you think people in the future

would know that that's a human speaking?

would know that that's a human speaking

- No. - Yeah.

No Yeah

No.

I know what I would put in the time capsule.

I know what I would put in the time capsule

I would put this, but I would also put this.

I would put this but I would also put this

To show that I have range.

To show that I have range

Looks like RFK's ringworm is like in your brain.

Looks like RFK's ringworm is like in your brain

Thank you.

Thank you

WOMAN: Oh, my god.

WOMAN: Oh my god

TROY IWATA: But in 250 years, who

TROY IWATA: But in 250 years who

will even be around to pull these headshots

from the time capsule?

from the time capsule

I don't know if there's going to be,

I don't know if there's going to be

like, a civilization to-- to access it.

like a civilization to- to access it

They're probably wearing hazmat suits and, you know--

They're probably wearing hazmat suits and you know-

I mean, let's be honest, they'll

I mean let's be honest they'll

probably bust this thing open in 65 years

in desperate search for food.

in desperate search for food

What do you think America's going

to look like in 250 years?

to look like in 250 years

WOMAN: Oh, my god.

WOMAN: Oh my god

They should split America in two.

They should split America in two

We should segregate again?

We should segregate again

I mean, let's face it, in 250 years,

I mean let's face it in 250 years

America might be a desolate wasteland.

America might be a desolate wasteland

So maybe we should put some, like, survival

So maybe we should put some like survival

gear in this time capsule.

gear in this time capsule

Maybe fresh water, granola bars,

Maybe fresh water granola bars

a gun with a single bullet.

a gun with a single bullet

Just off the top of my head.

Just off the top of my head

So I'm an optimist.

So I'm an optimist

TROY IWATA: And I used to be.

TROY IWATA: And I used to be

Clearly, the best thing to put in this time capsule

Clearly the best thing to put in this time capsule

is an apology letter for the state we left the country in.

is an apology letter for the state we left the country in

Maybe we can all write it together.

Maybe we can all write it together

Dear future Americans/potential Chinese/potential

Russian citizens, we're sorry that we made mistakes.

Russian citizens we're sorry that we made mistakes

Yes.

Yes

And I'm sorry that I have only attended

two No Kings rallies so far.

two No Kings rallies so far

We used to have trees.

We used to have trees

Hopefully you still have them, but if you don't, we're sorry.

Hopefully you still have them but if you don't we're sorry

That was on us.

That was on us

We're sorry for not understanding each other well.

We're sorry for not understanding each other well

I'm sorry that my Zoloft prevents

me from making active change.

me from making active change

Honestly--

Honestly-

Honestly?

Honestly

--I just want to say good luck.

-I just want to say good luck

Because y'all are going to need it.

Because y'all are going to need it

Things can get better.

Things can get better

Things can get better.

Things can get better

We're not responsible for any of those things.

We're not responsible for any of those things

We may have made things worse, but--

We may have made things worse but-

All right, so how should we sign this?

All right so how should we sign this

Regretfully.

Regretfully

Regretfully, Americans of 2026.

Regretfully Americans of 2026

Our bad.

Our bad

America's 250th birthday is right around the corner,

America's 250th birthday is right around the corner

and President Trump is celebrating it with a ballroom,

and President Trump is celebrating it with a ballroom

a reflecting pool, and an arch, all stuff that was

a reflecting pool and an arch all stuff that was

not on our Amazon wish list.

not on our Amazon wish list

America asked for health care, goddamn it!

America asked for health care goddamn it

We sent you a link and everything.

We sent you a link and everything

Now, technically, Trump is not really allowed

Now technically Trump is not really allowed

to build most of these things.

to build most of these things

But when has that ever stopped him?

But when has that ever stopped him

REPORTER: The Washington Post is now

reporting that the Trump administration

is planning on building the arch

without Congress's approval.

without Congress's approval

The administration argues that it

doesn't need Congress's approval because lawmakers

a century ago authorized a somewhat similar

project that was never built.

project that was never built

Man, I just can't figure this administration out.

Man I just can't figure this administration out

They're not looking for congressional approval

for a war with Iran, but they have lawyers going

for a war with Iran but they have lawyers going

through all the old laws doing a Control-F

for the word "arch."

for the word arch

How did they find this?

How did they find this

I mean-- but Trump isn't the only one commemorating

I mean- but Trump isn't the only one commemorating

America's birthday.

America's birthday

We here at The Daily Show are celebrating as well.

We here at The Daily Show are celebrating as well

And there are so many great moments in history

to look back on, although when you think about it,

to look back on although when you think about it

maybe not as many as you think.

maybe not as many as you think

NARRATOR: America's history is complicated.

NARRATOR: America's history is complicated

Our once proudest moments, now problematic.

Our once proudest moments now problematic

Our triumphs, morally gray.

Our triumphs morally gray

Milestones, eroded by backlash.

Milestones eroded by backlash

Our beloved heroes are now gross.

Our beloved heroes are now gross

But there's still one moment in American history

that brings us all together.

that brings us all together

The 1992 Olympic basketball Dream Team.

The 1992 Olympic basketball Dream Team

Bang!

Bang

The most incredible basketball players ever assembled.

The most incredible basketball players ever assembled

And also Christian Laettner.

And also Christian Laettner

It's literally the last thing all Americans can look at

and just say, that was awesome.

and just say that was awesome

Boom shakalaka!

Boom shakalaka

Americans must forever reckon with stealing the lands

of Indigenous people.

of Indigenous people

But we'll never have to apologize for Barkley

stealing the rock four times against Brazil.

stealing the rock four times against Brazil

[SPEAKING SPANISH]

SPEAKING SPANISH

Walking on the moon now just reminds us

of the conspiracy theories destroying

the fabric of our nation.

the fabric of our nation

But how about this fabric?

But how about this fabric

The big head T-shirt of the Dream Team.

The big head T-shirt of the Dream Team

Man, that shirt was cool.

Man that shirt was cool

I had six of them.

I had six of them

The end of the Cold War collapsed

our political consensus, but the Dream Team

our political consensus but the Dream Team

collapsed everyone's defense.

collapsed everyone's defense

Mr. Gorbachev tear down this backboard.

Mr Gorbachev tear down this backboard

The Dream Team has no dark past to revisit,

The Dream Team has no dark past to revisit

no statues to tear down, just absolute dominance

no statues to tear down just absolute dominance

by the greatest basketball players of all time.

by the greatest basketball players of all time

And Christian Laettner.

And Christian Laettner

Were they perfect?

Were they perfect

Was their top competition Valdemaras Chomicius

of Lithuania?

of Lithuania

Did some of them have a gambling problem?

Did some of them have a gambling problem

Did Michael Jordan's son end up dating

Scottie Pippen's ex-wife?

Scottie Pippen's ex-wife

Which sounds even weirder when you realize she

must have known him as a baby.

must have known him as a baby

Well, shut the [BLEEP] up, OK?

Well shut the BLEEP up OK

Don't take this from us, too.

Don't take this from us too

Just enjoy this American exceptionalism.

Just enjoy this American exceptionalism

So happy birthday, America.

So happy birthday America

Thanks for the Dream Team, the one thing

Thanks for the Dream Team the one thing

we all agree we can be proud of.

we all agree we can be proud of

And Christian Laettner.

And Christian Laettner

Hello.

Hello

I'm velvet-tongued carpenter Nick Offerman.

I'm velvet-tongued carpenter Nick Offerman

Everyone knows it's important to remember the birthday

of the one you love.

of the one you love

And the one I love is America.

And the one I love is America

Don't worry.

Don't worry

My wife, Megan, knows, and she's not not into it.

My wife Megan knows and she's not not into it

And this year happens to be a particularly

big birthday for America.

big birthday for America

REPORTER: Communities from sea to shining sea, celebrating

REPORTER: Communities from sea to shining sea celebrating

250 years since the Declaration of Independence was signed,

250 years since the Declaration of Independence was signed

proclaiming freedom from Great Britain

and the birth of a new nation.

and the birth of a new nation

Happy birthday, America.

Happy birthday America

[PARTY HORN HONKS]

PARTY HORN HONKS

[CHEERS APPLAUSE]

CHEERS APPLAUSE

Are you one?

Are you one

Are you two?

Are you two

Are you three?

Are you three

And so on.

And so on

America's semiquincentennial is here,

America's semiquincentennial is here

and to throw its semiquinceanñera,

and to throw its semiquinceanñera

I hope we have a great party planner.

I hope we have a great party planner

In my campaign for president, I pledge to give America

In my campaign for president I pledge to give America

the most spectacular birthday party

the world has ever seen for America's 250th anniversary.

the world has ever seen for America's 250th anniversary

[EXHALES DEEPLY]

EXHALES DEEPLY

OK.

Sure, Trump planned the party.

Sure Trump planned the party

It's not like you have anything else going on.

It's not like you have anything else going on

Gas prices are hovering just below Fury Road levels,

Gas prices are hovering just below Fury Road levels

but have fun picking out the balloons.

but have fun picking out the balloons

Hang on.

Hang on

Perhaps I am rushing to judgment.

Perhaps I am rushing to judgment

We can only hope Trump puts as much

love into America's birthday as he would for Jeffrey Epstein's.

love into America's birthday as he would for Jeffrey Epstein's

I abhor the message, but I do appreciate a handwritten card.

I abhor the message but I do appreciate a handwritten card

Any asshole can go to Hallmark, but calligraphy shows you care.

Any asshole can go to Hallmark but calligraphy shows you care

So how is the president going to show

us he cares about America?

us he cares about America

REPORTER: For the first time in American history,

REPORTER: For the first time in American history

the signature of a sitting president

will soon be featured on US currency.

will soon be featured on US currency

The Treasury announcing the decision to celebrate

the nation's 250th birthday this summer,

the nation's 250th birthday this summer

saying President Trump's signature

is not only appropriate, but also well-deserved.

is not only appropriate but also well-deserved

Signing the dollar bills?

Signing the dollar bills

But, Mr. President, how can you sign them all.

But Mr President how can you sign them all

For that, would need an autopen.

For that would need an autopen

[LAUGHTER APPLAUSE]

LAUGHTER APPLAUSE

Fine, he can sign the money.

Fine he can sign the money

At least it's just a signature and not his face.

At least it's just a signature and not his face

President Trump's face could soon be on US money.

President Trump's face could soon be on US money

A commission hand-picked by Trump himself has approved

the design for 24-karat gold coin to commemorate

America's 250th birthday.

America's 250th birthday

Wow.

Wow

A coin with Donald Trump's face.

A coin with Donald Trump's face

Finally, a way to lose the respect of a gumball machine.

Finally a way to lose the respect of a gumball machine

I'm not sure about that coin, but I'm really

I'm not sure about that coin but I'm really

not sure about that pose.

not sure about that pose

He looks like he's trying to pinch

one out at a standing toilet.

one out at a standing toilet

[APPLAUSE]

APPLAUSE

But OK.

But OK

OK fine.

OK fine

I guess if it's just one coin.

I guess if it's just one coin

REPORTER: The US Treasury is preparing to put

President Trump on a $1 coin to commemorate

President Trump on a 1 coin to commemorate

America's 250th birthday.

America's 250th birthday

Another coin?

Another coin

Mr. President, can you please stop

Mr President can you please stop

putting your face on things I keep in my front pocket,

putting your face on things I keep in my front pocket

inches from my genitals?

inches from my genitals

As well as my back pocket, inches from my butthole.

As well as my back pocket inches from my butthole

I would have assumed that the party

theme for America's birthday would have been, I don't

theme for America's birthday would have been I don't

know America.

know America

But I'm sensing from the party decorations

that a different theme is emerging.

that a different theme is emerging

The commemorative national park passes

for our country's 250th anniversary

feature an image of Donald Trump alongside

one of George Washington.

one of George Washington

Oh, come on.

Oh come on

Your face on the park passes?

Your face on the park passes

I go to national parks to get away from your face.

I go to national parks to get away from your face

And-- and--

And- and-

[CHEERS APPLAUSE]

CHEERS APPLAUSE

And to see those idiot salmon swim in the wrong direction.

And to see those idiot salmon swim in the wrong direction

God, they are so stupid.

God they are so stupid

OK.

Commemorative coins and park passes will come and go.

Commemorative coins and park passes will come and go

One day, they'll all be lost to time.

One day they'll all be lost to time

At least nothing he's doing for America's birthday

is permanent.

is permanent

REPORTER: The president is proposing a permanent arch

in Washington.

in Washington

It's being called the Arc de Trump.

It's being called the Arc de Trump

He wants it to be the biggest arch in the world,

He wants it to be the biggest arch in the world

250 feet tall to honor the country's 250th anniversary.

250 feet tall to honor the country's 250th anniversary

Can he play with his model replicas

in the basement like a normal demented Grandpa?

in the basement like a normal demented Grandpa

Can we stop with these self-aggrandizing celebrations

like you're some Roman emperor?

like you're some Roman emperor

What's next?

What's next

Gladiator fights?

Gladiator fights

REPORTER: President Trump announced

a UFC fight will take place at the White House on June 14.

a UFC fight will take place at the White House on June 14

REPORTER: This is what it will turn into for UFC,

REPORTER: This is what it will turn into for UFC

with the octagon in the middle.

with the octagon in the middle

What in the name of Caligula's [BLEEP]

What in the name of Caligula's BLEEP

is happening?

is happening

[LAUGHTER]

LAUGHTER

[CHEERS APPLAUSE]

CHEERS APPLAUSE

Blood sports for the entertainment of a Caesar

is not a show of strength.

is not a show of strength

It's literally the first sign of a declining empire.

It's literally the first sign of a declining empire

Number two, of course, is starting a war in Persia.

Number two of course is starting a war in Persia

Oh shit.

Oh shit

Look, it's pretty obvious that President

Look it's pretty obvious that President

Trump is making this 250th celebration about himself.

Trump is making this 250th celebration about himself

But we can't let him.

But we can't let him

This is America's birthday.

This is America's birthday

It's not about one man.

It's not about one man

It's about our country and its ideals.

It's about our country and its ideals

So forget the empty, jingoistic posturing

So forget the empty jingoistic posturing

and find your own ways to patriotically party down.

and find your own ways to patriotically party down

Go to historical reenactments, or better yet, do your own.

Go to historical reenactments or better yet do your own

If you've never thrown tea into a harbor, you have not lived.

If you've never thrown tea into a harbor you have not lived

Or get into a fistfight with an actual British person.

Or get into a fistfight with an actual British person

Dibs on Cumberbatch.

Dibs on Cumberbatch

[APPLAUSE]

APPLAUSE

Or, hell, forget that.

Or hell forget that

Go into one of those national parks.

Go into one of those national parks

Celebrate America's natural beauty.

Celebrate America's natural beauty

And while you're there, get in your birthday suit

And while you're there get in your birthday suit

and partake of some tasteful lovemaking with someone

you care about.

you care about

Dibs on Cumberbatch.

Dibs on Cumberbatch

[APPLAUSE]

APPLAUSE

My point is, technically, you will

My point is technically you will

be having a loving, patriotic threeway with America.

be having a loving patriotic threeway with America

And that is how you celebrate a birthday.

And that is how you celebrate a birthday

But that's just my opinion.

But that's just my opinion

Donald Trump isn't the only one preparing

for America's 250th birthday.

for America's 250th birthday

His Treasury secretary also has a special surprise for us.

His Treasury secretary also has a special surprise for us

And, no, it's not affordable groceries.

And no it's not affordable groceries

It's something that we didn't even ask for.

It's something that we didn't even ask for

REPORTER: The administration, hoping

REPORTER: The administration hoping

to mark the big day with a new $250

to mark the big day with a new 250

bill, complete with a portrait of President Trump.

bill complete with a portrait of President Trump

Treasury Secretary Scott Bessent says his department

is ready to print the bill.

is ready to print the bill

Wow.

Wow

What a-- what a great picture of both Trump and Bessent.

What a- what a great picture of both Trump and Bessent

Between the two of them, they have zero normal smiles.

Between the two of them they have zero normal smiles

Forget Donald Trump's face.

Forget Donald Trump's face

I don't want to carry around a $250 bill.

I don't want to carry around a 250 bill

Imagine a homeless guy asks me for money,

Imagine a homeless guy asks me for money

I have to give him that bill?

I have to give him that bill

And then ask for $249.50 back?

And then ask for 24950 back

But is it having your face on money kind of something

you have to earn as a president?

you have to earn as a president

Why is Donald Trump getting his own bill?

Why is Donald Trump getting his own bill

I don't think that there's anything untoward about having

the president of the United States,

the president of the United States

the person who is president of United States,

the person who is president of United States

on the 250th anniversary bill.

on the 250th anniversary bill

Ah, yes, I see.

Ah yes I see

It's not that he's a good president,

It's not that he's a good president

he just happens to be the president

during the 250th anniversary.

during the 250th anniversary

It's like how George W. Bush is on the $9.11 bill.

It's like how George W Bush is on the 911 bill

[LAUGHTER]

LAUGHTER

Now, those bills are awkward.

Now those bills are awkward

When you give them to a homeless guy,

When you give them to a homeless guy

you gotta ask for $8.61 back?

you gotta ask for 861 back

[THEME MUSIC]

THEME MUSIC

# #

Dictionary

Tap ? for definitions, examples, pronunciation, and comprehension questions.

- Pause

Account Settings Subscriptions

You might also like these videos

Baddiel & Skinner & Lightning Seeds - Three Lions (Football's Coming Home) (Official Video)

2026 July 17 BBC 2-minute World News Audio

02 July 2026

The Daily Show Celebrates 250 Years of America, and Maybe 250 More? | The Daily Show

LMFAO - Sexy and I Know It

01 July 2026