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I hope your holiday was fine. Did you
I hope your holiday was fine Did you
have any uncomfortable moments with
have any uncomfortable moments with
Trump loving uh relatives? Well, if if
Trump loving uh relatives Well if if
you did, I just want to say THIS TO YOU.
you did I just want to say THIS TO YOU
SACK UP.
SACK UP
Cuz on Thanksgiving, the White House
Cuz on Thanksgiving the White House
press corps had to deal with actual
press corps had to deal with actual
Trump.
Trump
>> Are you stupid? Are you a stupid person?
>> Are you stupid Are you a stupid person
And you're just asking questions because
And you're just asking questions because
you're a stupid person.
you're a stupid person
>> I'm I'm sorry, sir. The the question
>> I'm I'm sorry sir The the question
was, would you care for more stuffing?
was would you care for more stuffing
BUT LOOK, DON'T DON'T BLAME THE
BUT LOOK DON'T DON'T BLAME THE
PRESIDENT. I SAW YOU. BOOM. DON'T bo
PRESIDENT I SAW YOU BOOM DON'T bo
It's Thanksgiving. Everybody gets a
It's Thanksgiving Everybody gets a
little stressed out. I'm sure the
little stressed out I'm sure the
president calmed down and delivered a
president calmed down and delivered a
more apppropo message to the American
more apppropo message to the American
people on this Thanksgiving holiday of
people on this Thanksgiving holiday of
togetherness.
togetherness
>> I love it. Job.
>> I love it Job
>> We're not allowed to do that anymore.
>> We're not allowed to do that anymore
You know, we're not allowed. You're not
You know we're not allowed You're not
allowed to use the word Indian anymore.
allowed to use the word Indian anymore
The only one that wants you to ARE THE
The only one that wants you to ARE THE
INDIANS.
INDIANS
>> GOD DAMN IT, GRANDPA.
>> GOD DAMN IT GRANDPA
WE TALKED ABOUT THIS.
WE TALKED ABOUT THIS
I had the same thing happen in my house.
I had the same thing happen in my house
Look, we all hate sitting next to the
Look we all hate sitting next to the
daughtering old person at Thanksgiving,
daughtering old person at Thanksgiving
which I think might be me now.
which I think might be me now
But imagine if that was your job and
But imagine if that was your job and
instead of being with your family and
instead of being with your family and
friends this holiday, you're in the
friends this holiday you're in the
press corp. You got to fly down to Mara
press corp You got to fly down to Mara
Lago. I'm sorry, the Winter White House
Lago I'm sorry the Winter White House
>> and put up with this for a living.
>> and put up with this for a living
>> Today I'm in Florida, but generally I'm
>> Today I'm in Florida but generally I'm
in the White House. I'm in the Oval
in the White House I'm in the Oval
Office saying I won by a lot.
Office saying I won by a lot
>> I ran a second time. I won by a lot. And
>> I ran a second time I won by a lot And
I would say to myself, why are we
I would say to myself why are we
calling it Gulf of Mexico when we have I
calling it Gulf of Mexico when we have I
like Tom Cruz, the last of our movie
like Tom Cruz the last of our movie
star. Can't hit a ball 30 yards. I'm
star Can't hit a ball 30 yards I'm
telling you, I looked at his swing. You
telling you I looked at his swing You
probably had your dinner already, but I
probably had your dinner already but I
didn't. And I know exactly what I'm
didn't And I know exactly what I'm
gonna have. Turkey.
gonna have Turkey
Yeah, we're all having turkey.
Yeah we're all having turkey
Excuse me. I'm just going to go doom
Excuse me I'm just going to go doom
scroll on my phone in the bathroom for a
scroll on my phone in the bathroom for a
while. But hey, everyone has trouble
while But hey everyone has trouble
after throwing down a pound of turkey
after throwing down a pound of turkey
with all the fixings keeping their
with all the fixings keeping their
thoughts straight. I'm sure his written
thoughts straight I'm sure his written
Thanksgiving message to the American
Thanksgiving message to the American
people will be more circumspect, more
people will be more circumspect more
rooted in gratitude.
rooted in gratitude
>> On Thanksgiving night, he called
>> On Thanksgiving night he called
Governor Tim Walls, quote, seriously
Governor Tim Walls quote seriously
On Thanksgiving,
On Thanksgiving
are you confusing that with festivists?
are you confusing that with festivists
And by the way, seriously Not
And by the way seriously Not
even like playfully like like
even like playfully like like
Mr. being, you know what I mean?
Mr being you know what I mean
Or
Or
celebratorily like the Black
celebratorily like the Black
Eyed Peas song.
Eyed Peas song
Yeah, they're they're very lucky that
Yeah they're they're very lucky that
started rhymes with it.
started rhymes with it
You know, the press corp had to spend
You know the press corp had to spend
the whole holiday weekend down to
the whole holiday weekend down to
Marlago listening to this brain ooze and
Marlago listening to this brain ooze and
then they couldn't even go back home by
then they couldn't even go back home by
themselves. They had to fly back with
themselves They had to fly back with
this nut and ask him if he wants to
this nut and ask him if he wants to
clarify any of the nonsense.
clarify any of the nonsense
>> Do you stand by that claim of calling
>> Do you stand by that claim of calling
Tim Walls
Tim Walls
>> WHAT IS HAPPENING?
>> WHAT IS HAPPENING
When Ken Burns does the documentary on
When Ken Burns does the documentary on
this era
this era
and then the president called Tim Walls
and then the president called Tim Walls
and by the way to the what do you think
and by the way to the what do you think
he's GOING TO SAY TO THAT QUESTION? YES,
he's GOING TO SAY TO THAT QUESTION YES
on reflection
on reflection
it was obviously a poor choice of words.
it was obviously a poor choice of words
I have nothing but respect for Governor
I have nothing but respect for Governor
Walls and the entire Todd community.
Walls and the entire Todd community
Perhaps it's time for me to step back
Perhaps it's time for me to step back
and start to listen.
and start to listen
>> He's not doing that.
>> He's not doing that
>> Do you stand by that gleam of calling
>> Do you stand by that gleam of calling
Tim Walls
Tim Walls
>> Yeah, I think there's something wrong
>> Yeah I think there's something wrong
with him.
with him
>> SOMETHING WRONG WITH HIM?
>> SOMETHING WRONG WITH HIM
With him?
With him
You were sitting with your family at
You were sitting with your family at
Thanksgiving, belly full of turkey and
Thanksgiving belly full of turkey and
pie, surrounded by the love of your
pie surrounded by the love of your
extended crime family, but your initial
extended crime family but your initial
instinct was to truth a slur at Tim
instinct was to truth a slur at Tim
Walls. And there's something wrong with
Walls And there's something wrong with
him. And by the way, he's not the one
him And by the way he's not the one
who mysteriously got an MRI the other
who mysteriously got an MRI the other
day. What was up with that?
day What was up with that
>> What part of your body was the MRI
>> What part of your body was the MRI
looking at?
looking at
>> I have no idea.
>> I have no idea
That's not physically possible
That's not physically possible
to have no idea. It's not possible.
to have no idea It's not possible
What would you say to the doctor? NO,
What would you say to the doctor NO
NO, NO. DON'T TELL ME. I WANT TO FIND
NO NO DON'T TELL ME I WANT TO FIND
OUT at my MRI reveal party.
OUT at my MRI reveal party
It's the lymph nodes.
It's the lymph nodes
What is happening?
What is happening
FOR GOD'S SAKES, MAN, WERE YOU NOT
FOR GOD'S SAKES MAN WERE YOU NOT
CURIOUS AT ALL
CURIOUS AT ALL
when they laid you down in a tube for a
when they laid you down in a tube for a
half an hour to 45 minutes? You didn't
half an hour to 45 minutes You didn't
want to know what they might be doing?
want to know what they might be doing
Or did you just think to yourself, "What
Or did you just think to yourself What
a loud tanning bed.
a loud tanning bed
WHAT
WHAT
IS HAPPENING?
IS HAPPENING
I CAN I CAN DO THIS ALL DAY.
I CAN I CAN DO THIS ALL DAY
>> How about letting us have a gander at
>> How about letting us have a gander at
that MRI then?
that MRI then
>> So if they want to release it, it's okay
>> So if they want to release it it's okay
with me to release it. It's perfect.
with me to release it It's perfect
It's absolutely perfect.
It's absolutely perfect
>> So you didn't even know what they
>> So you didn't even know what they
scanned, but you got a perfect score.
scanned but you got a perfect score
Cuz by the way, that's how they score
Cuz by the way that's how they score
the MRIs.
the MRIs
You either get a big stamp, perfect,
You either get a big stamp perfect
or you get in red ink, see me.
or you get in red ink see me
You don't want that. You don't want to
You don't want that You don't want to
see me.
see me
What the
What the
And while the president wasn't exactly
And while the president wasn't exactly
sure which organs were scanned, he he
sure which organs were scanned he he
knew which one wasn't.
knew which one wasn't
>> It wasn't the brain because I took a
>> It wasn't the brain because I took a
cognitive test and I aced it.
cognitive test and I aced it
Did you ace it?
Did you ace it
Or is perhaps the cognitive test knowing
Or is perhaps the cognitive test knowing
what part of your body was staying?
what part of your body was staying
Maybe that was the test.
Maybe that was the test
But of course, because it was
But of course because it was
Thanksgiving and Donald Trump so
Thanksgiving and Donald Trump so
appreciates the time that these
appreciates the time that these
reporters have spent away from their
reporters have spent away from their
families, he did end this brief session
families he did end this brief session
with some words of gratitude for the
with some words of gratitude for the
difficult jobs that these reporters do,
difficult jobs that these reporters do
especially the two reporters standing
especially the two reporters standing
closest to him.
closest to him
>> I took a cognitive test and I aced it. I
>> I took a cognitive test and I aced it I
got a perfect mark, which you would be
got a perfect mark which you would be
incapable of doing. Goodbye, everybody.
incapable of doing Goodbye everybody
You, too.
You too
>> Thank you, Mr. President.
>> Thank you Mr President
two things here that I love.
two things here that I love
The first is
The first is
when he goes, "You too."
when he goes You too
And the woman on the right whose face is
And the woman on the right whose face is
like, "Fuck did I do
like Fuck did I do
I'm just standing there. She's the one
I'm just standing there She's the one
with the cognitive question. I'm just
with the cognitive question I'm just
YOU COULDN'T FINISH THE COGNITIVE TEST
YOU COULDN'T FINISH THE COGNITIVE TEST
AND YOU TOO. LIKE WHAT what is that?
AND YOU TOO LIKE WHAT what is that
That's just crazy.
That's just crazy
And he's calling him stupid. IT SEEMS
And he's calling him stupid IT SEEMS
LIKE ABOUT A WEEK AGO someone on Trump's
LIKE ABOUT A WEEK AGO someone on Trump's
press team was like, "You got to stop
press team was like You got to stop
CALLING THE FEMALE REPORTERS UGLY AND
CALLING THE FEMALE REPORTERS UGLY AND
PIGGY." And he was like, "Got it.
PIGGY And he was like Got it
I won't do that anymore at all.
I won't do that anymore at all
I know what I'll do.
I know what I'll do
YOU'RE STUPID.
YOU'RE STUPID
And the second thing I like about that
And the second thing I like about that
play is that Trump thinks he's
play is that Trump thinks he's
delivering the mic drop. You're stupid.
delivering the mic drop You're stupid
You're too. Good night. Tip your
You're too Good night Tip your
waitresses. But then he's got to waddle
waitresses But then he's got to waddle
ALL THE WAY BACK TO HIS BED. LOOK AT HIM
ALL THE WAY BACK TO HIS BED LOOK AT HIM
GO.
GO
He's got to waddle all the way back
He's got to waddle all the way back
there pretending he doesn't need
there pretending he doesn't need
handrails. Isn't that what's happening?
handrails Isn't that what's happening
By the way, that plane's not even in the
By the way that plane's not even in the
air. That's just instability from the
air That's just instability from the
extra liquid slloshing around in his
extra liquid slloshing around in his
cankles. That's what he's
cankles That's what he's
when he moves.
when he moves
He's got so much extra fluid in there.
He's got so much extra fluid in there
It's like pushing a milk carton when he
It's like pushing a milk carton when he
moves.
moves
But let's forget for a moment about this
But let's forget for a moment about this
president's ugly contempt for those who
president's ugly contempt for those who
are charged with getting information
are charged with getting information
about his presidency out to other
about his presidency out to other
Americans. And let's just spend a little
Americans And let's just spend a little
time also enjoying the utter incoherence
time also enjoying the utter incoherence
of his presidency in general. For
of his presidency in general For
instance, the policy change that Trump
instance the policy change that Trump
is making in the aftermath of the
is making in the aftermath of the
terrible National Guard shooting in DC.
terrible National Guard shooting in DC
That horrible act was done by one
That horrible act was done by one
individual who happened to be part of a
individual who happened to be part of a
larger group of Afghans who were brought
larger group of Afghans who were brought
here because they risked their lives
here because they risked their lives
helping the United States during our
helping the United States during our
invasion of Afghanistan, which of course
invasion of Afghanistan which of course
means
means
>> we know that Afghan national uh is
>> we know that Afghan national uh is
suspected shooter of these National
suspected shooter of these National
Guards.
Guards
>> Yeah. The people that shouldn't be in
>> Yeah The people that shouldn't be in
our country.
our country
>> So you announced that asylum
>> So you announced that asylum
>> and that includes Somalians and includes
>> and that includes Somalians and includes
plenty of others.
plenty of others
Did you just Somalia Afghanistan?
Did you just Somalia Afghanistan
Because of this one Afghan, all Afghans
Because of this one Afghan all Afghans
are suspect. And also Somalians.
are suspect And also Somalians
He did to Somalia and Afghanistan
He did to Somalia and Afghanistan
exactly what he did to the reporters on
exactly what he did to the reporters on
the plane.
the plane
YOU'RE BANNED FROM THIS COUNTRY BECAUSE
YOU'RE BANNED FROM THIS COUNTRY BECAUSE
OF ONE uh terrible thing that one OF YOU
OF ONE uh terrible thing that one OF YOU
PEOPLE DID.
PEOPLE DID
YOU, TOO.
YOU TOO
WHAT? What if if you're wondering what
WHAT What if if you're wondering what
Somalians had to do with the Afghan
Somalians had to do with the Afghan
shooter? Uh, yeah.
shooter Uh yeah
>> What did the Somalians have to do with
>> What did the Somalians have to do with
this Afghan guy who shot the national?
this Afghan guy who shot the national
>> Uh, nothing. But Somalians have caused a
>> Uh nothing But Somalians have caused a
lot of trouble.
lot of trouble
They had nothing to do with it. Just
They had nothing to do with it Just
reminded me that there are other groups
reminded me that there are other groups
I also don't like.
I also don't like
I don't see color. I just hate all of
I don't see color I just hate all of
it.
it
So, our entire immigration system is now
So our entire immigration system is now
going to be based around the principle
going to be based around the principle
that if even one person from your ethnic
that if even one person from your ethnic
or religious groups up, you all got to
or religious groups up you all got to
go and a screening process that can't
go and a screening process that can't
tell the difference. How do I know it
tell the difference How do I know it
can't tell the difference?
can't tell the difference
>> Your DOJ IG just reported this year that
>> Your DOJ IG just reported this year that
there was thorough vetting by DHS and by
there was thorough vetting by DHS and by
the FBI of these Afghans who were
the FBI of these Afghans who were
brought into the US. So, why do you
brought into the US So why do you
blame the Biden administration?
blame the Biden administration
>> Because they let them in. Are you
>> Because they let them in Are you
stupid? Are you a stupid person? And
stupid Are you a stupid person And
you're just asking questions because
you're just asking questions because
you're a stupid person.
you're a stupid person
>> See, that question was not a stupid
>> See that question was not a stupid
person's question. A stupid person's
person's question A stupid person's
question would be, "May I eat my desk?"
question would be May I eat my desk
To which you would say, "What a stupid
To which you would say What a stupid
question. It's your desk. You can do
question It's your desk You can do
whatever you want with it."
whatever you want with it
Look, the question relates to can any
Look the question relates to can any
free society create a 100% foolproof
free society create a 100 foolproof
system for immigrants or for its natural
system for immigrants or for its natural
citizens? I mean, what criterion will we
citizens I mean what criterion will we
use? Now,
use Now
>> Donald Trump said he plans to quote
>> Donald Trump said he plans to quote
remove anyone who is not a net asset to
remove anyone who is not a net asset to
the United States.
the United States
>> HOW DO YOU BY WHAT MEASURE? HOW? IF THEY
>> HOW DO YOU BY WHAT MEASURE HOW IF THEY
can't love our country, we don't want
can't love our country we don't want
them.
them
>> BUT HOW DO YOU MEASURE THAT?
>> BUT HOW DO YOU MEASURE THAT
WHAT IF they stand at the border on a
WHAT IF they stand at the border on a
scale of to
scale of to
>> how much do you uh excuse Do you say to
>> how much do you uh excuse Do you say to
the moon and back or just to the moon?
the moon and back or just to the moon
How much? I mean, this is it's utterly
How much I mean this is it's utterly
incoherent. Can you give us a more
incoherent Can you give us a more
specific idea of which groups would pass
specific idea of which groups would pass
your muster?
your muster
>> I love the Irish special people. I
>> I love the Irish special people I
really do. I love the Irish. We're back
really do I love the Irish We're back
in time.
in time
We love the Italians.
We love the Italians
>> Donald Trump's defended wanting
>> Donald Trump's defended wanting
immigrants from quote nice countries
immigrants from quote nice countries
like Denmark and Switzerland.
like Denmark and Switzerland
>> Okay, now I'm starting to see a pattern.
>> Okay now I'm starting to see a pattern
>> I'm sure it's only in my head.
>> I'm sure it's only in my head
>> Refugee admissions into the country
>> Refugee admissions into the country
right now are essentially at zero with
right now are essentially at zero with
the exception of Africconers fleeing
the exception of Africconers fleeing
persecution in South Africa.
persecution in South Africa
So, one horrific act by one Afghan means
So one horrific act by one Afghan means
all Afghans are suspect. But we now
all Afghans are suspect But we now
welcome with open arms all Africaners
welcome with open arms all Africaners
because I mean really what have white
because I mean really what have white
South Africans ever done to anybody?
South Africans ever done to anybody
Is there anyone else that you would just
Is there anyone else that you would just
let in as well? Anything weirdly
let in as well Anything weirdly
specific? I also like very competent
specific I also like very competent
people coming into our country,
people coming into our country
matrades, wine, you know, uh, experts,
matrades wine you know uh experts
uh, even waiters, high quality waiters.
uh even waiters high quality waiters
You you got to get the best people.
You you got to get the best people
We're so
We're so
So, Somalians
So Somalians
aren't welcome unless they're also
aren't welcome unless they're also
somales.
somales
Some,
Some
>> BY THE WAY,
>> BY THE WAY
BY THE WAY, I want to make this clear. I
BY THE WAY I want to make this clear I
don't mind Trump having strict
don't mind Trump having strict
standards. The problem is if you are
standards The problem is if you are
from the so-called less desirable
from the so-called less desirable
countries, he does not view you as
countries he does not view you as
individuals. You are just part of a
individuals You are just part of a
larger amorphous blob of suspicion that
larger amorphous blob of suspicion that
deserves no grace. And if one of you
deserves no grace And if one of you
up, all are condemned. But he
up all are condemned But he
doesn't even hold that standard for his
doesn't even hold that standard for his
own ethnic group. People from Magistan.
own ethnic group People from Magistan
Now, that happens to be a group that's
Now that happens to be a group that's
got its own pretty solid criminal
got its own pretty solid criminal
backstory. And I'm not even referring to
backstory And I'm not even referring to
January 6th. Let's just go ahead and
January 6th Let's just go ahead and
give them a mulligan for the whole
give them a mulligan for the whole
trying to overthrow the government
trying to overthrow the government
thing.
thing
Just look at the crimes they've
Just look at the crimes they've
committed since January 6.
committed since January 6
>> Owning unauthorized firearms.
>> Owning unauthorized firearms
>> Defrauding investors of $41 million.
>> Defrauding investors of 41 million
>> Arrested after a dog attack that injured
>> Arrested after a dog attack that injured
four people.
four people
>> Reportedly raised a firearm during a
>> Reportedly raised a firearm during a
traffic stop. Making a terroristic
traffic stop Making a terroristic
threat. Convicted of plotting to kill
threat Convicted of plotting to kill
FBI agents.
FBI agents
>> Tried to bribe child sex victim. thefts
>> Tried to bribe child sex victim thefts
of industrial copper.
of industrial copper
>> Obviously, that's not an order of
>> Obviously that's not an order of
severity.
severity
We're ratcheting up. We're going to kill
We're ratcheting up We're going to kill
AN FBI AGENT, PAYING OFF child sex
AN FBI AGENT PAYING OFF child sex
trafficking, and where's my copper?
trafficking and where's my copper
Where?
Where
THAT WAS INDUSTRIAL COPPER. I was I was
THAT WAS INDUSTRIAL COPPER I was I was
going to do something that people do
going to do something that people do
with copper.
with copper
I was going to make a lamp.
I was going to make a lamp
Some of these people, it's almost like
Some of these people it's almost like
they already knew before they were
they already knew before they were
pardoned that they were going to use
pardoned that they were going to use
their second chance to commit more
their second chance to commit more
crimes. Zachary Alam. He was sentenced
crimes Zachary Alam He was sentenced
to eight years for assaulting police
to eight years for assaulting police
officers on January 6th before he
officers on January 6th before he
demanded a pardon from Trump. When a
demanded a pardon from Trump When a
local station asked Alam what he would
local station asked Alam what he would
do once he was released, he said, quote,
do once he was released he said quote
"That's just for me to know and you to
That's just for me to know and you to
find out."
find out
And boy did we find out after he was
And boy did we find out after he was
arrested for a home invasion.
arrested for a home invasion
Apparently it's Salvador Deli's home.
Apparently it's Salvador Deli's home
He Deli came HOME AND WENT, "WHERE'S MY
He Deli came HOME AND WENT WHERE'S MY
MUSTACHE?"
MUSTACHE
OH, just have to make one out of
OH just have to make one out of
industrial copper.
industrial copper
So considering how devoted to crime some
So considering how devoted to crime some
of Magistan is, I would assume Trump has
of Magistan is I would assume Trump has
no choice but to denaturalize and deport
no choice but to denaturalize and deport
everyone in MAGA as well. four January 6
everyone in MAGA as well four January 6
people. They're patriots in so many
people They're patriots in so many
cases. These were people that actually
cases These were people that actually
love our country.
love our country
>> They were peaceful people. These were
>> They were peaceful people These were
great people.
great people
>> There has never been a group of people
>> There has never been a group of people
treated so harshly or unfairly in our
treated so harshly or unfairly in our
country's history.
country's history
>> Really, no other group treated this
>> Really no other group treated this
harshly. I I guess we've forgotten
harshly I I guess we've forgotten
slavery
slavery
and how Ellen treated her staff,
and how Ellen treated her staff
>> you know,
>> you know
there goes that invite.
there goes that invite
That's the real Trump standard. If
That's the real Trump standard If
you're not part of Trump's group, you
you're not part of Trump's group you
have no margin of error in this country.
have no margin of error in this country
But if you are, it's all margin of
But if you are it's all margin of
error. Not only are you not judged by
error Not only are you not judged by
the worst of your group, the worst of
the worst of your group the worst of
your group isn't judged at all. And to
your group isn't judged at all And to
anyone who thinks that Trump's third
anyone who thinks that Trump's third
world immigration crackdown is really
world immigration crackdown is really
about national security and is not just
about national security and is not just
an opportunity for a USA complexion
an opportunity for a USA complexion
correction,
correction
I have but one thing to say to you.
I have but one thing to say to you
>> Are you stupid? Are you a stupid person?
>> Are you stupid Are you a stupid person
>> It's been a chaotic year for the White
>> It's been a chaotic year for the White
House. From the ballroom construction to
House From the ballroom construction to
a new decor style that design experts
a new decor style that design experts
are calling leprechaun
are calling leprechaun
The point is the people's house is in
The point is the people's house is in
rough shape. And I don't know if
rough shape And I don't know if
anything at all could save it now. Wait,
anything at all could save it now Wait
do you hear that?
do you hear that
Is that what I think it is?
Is that what I think it is
>> Who gives a about Christmas stuff and
>> Who gives a about Christmas stuff and
decoration? But I need to do it, right?
decoration But I need to do it right
>> Yes, it's a Christmas miracle.
>> Yes it's a Christmas miracle
>> The first lady unveiled the 2025 White
>> The first lady unveiled the 2025 White
House Christmas decorations today. This
House Christmas decorations today This
year's theme, home is where the heart
year's theme home is where the heart
is.
is
I love how she's touching everything
I love how she's touching everything
like that. Would someone who hates
like that Would someone who hates
Christmas do these
Christmas do these
or these?
or these
Yes. The theme is home is where the
Yes The theme is home is where the
heart is. Or as Melania calls it, New
heart is Or as Melania calls it New
York. Can I go home now?
York Can I go home now
I MEAN
I MEAN
I mean good god she didn't even take her
I mean good god she didn't even take her
coat off. Keep car running outside. That
coat off Keep car running outside That
won't be long.
won't be long
And while Melania was decking the halls,
And while Melania was decking the halls
Donald was dreaming of sugar plums
Donald was dreaming of sugar plums
dancing in his head. Unfortunately, it
dancing in his head Unfortunately it
was in the middle of a cabinet meeting
was in the middle of a cabinet meeting
where he somehow
where he somehow
kept falling asleep while people worked
kept falling asleep while people worked
really hard to kiss his ass.
really hard to kiss his ass
>> As we speak to you now, uh Steve Woodco
>> As we speak to you now uh Steve Woodco
is in Moscow trying to find a way to end
is in Moscow trying to find a way to end
this war to save lives of 8 9,000
this war to save lives of 8 9000
people, Mr. President, as you know, are
people Mr President as you know are
dying every week.
dying every week
>> Jeez. Normally, dudes fall asleep after
>> Jeez Normally dudes fall asleep after
someone blows them. If you're falling
someone blows them If you're falling
asleep mid you should see a
asleep mid you should see a
doctor.
doctor
But let's move on to Cash Patel, FBI
But let's move on to Cash Patel FBI
director. And man, we just found out
director And man we just found out
that Cash Patel is the FBI director. And
that Cash Patel is the FBI director And
now, a new report is giving people yet
now a new report is giving people yet
another reason to question Cash's
another reason to question Cash's
priorities as director. the day after
priorities as director the day after
Charlie Kirk's assassination. Um,
Charlie Kirk's assassination Um
sources uh in this report say that Cash
sources uh in this report say that Cash
Patel flew in to Provo airport on the
Patel flew in to Provo airport on the
FBI jet and then refused to get off
FBI jet and then refused to get off
until someone provided him with a
until someone provided him with a
mediumsized FBI raid jacket. One was
mediumsized FBI raid jacket One was
found belonging to a female agent and
found belonging to a female agent and
taken to the plane.
taken to the plane
>> Okay. Obviously, as an enlightened
>> Okay Obviously as an enlightened
progressive person, I believe that
progressive person I believe that
gender expression is a spectrum and we
gender expression is a spectrum and we
shouldn't judge people for what they
shouldn't judge people for what they
wear. At the same time, GAY,
wear At the same time GAY
but honestly, you can't even tell that
but honestly you can't even tell that
it's a women's jacket. Although, looking
it's a women's jacket Although looking
back on it, you can tell that he was up
back on it you can tell that he was up
there thinking, "Fuck, I hope no one can
there thinking Fuck I hope no one can
tell I'm wearing a women's jacket."
tell I'm wearing a women's jacket
But come on. Throwing a tantrum and
But come on Throwing a tantrum and
refusing to get out of the plane until
refusing to get out of the plane until
he had exactly what he wanted to wear. I
he had exactly what he wanted to wear I
know he borrowed a woman's jacket, but
know he borrowed a woman's jacket but
did he borrow her period, too?
did he borrow her period too
And getting his jacket wasn't even
And getting his jacket wasn't even
enough. Cash still needed to
enough Cash still needed to
accessorize.
accessorize
>> But then, uh, Patel, according to these
>> But then uh Patel according to these
sources, uh, was displeased by the fact
sources uh was displeased by the fact
that it didn't have Velcro patches on
that it didn't have Velcro patches on
the upper arms. And so then um these
the upper arms And so then um these
agents had to go scurrying around trying
agents had to go scurrying around trying
to find velcro patches. Uh finally some
to find velcro patches Uh finally some
uh SWAT raid guys uh produced them off
uh SWAT raid guys uh produced them off
their own jackets.
their own jackets
>> Oh my god. It's like trying to get your
>> Oh my god It's like trying to get your
8-year-old out the door for school. No,
8-year-old out the door for school No
mom. I'm not leaving until I find my
mom I'm not leaving until I find my
special jacket. THE ONE WITH THE COOL
special jacket THE ONE WITH THE COOL
PATCHES.
PATCHES
Let's move on to the big news about Pete
Let's move on to the big news about Pete
Hexith, Secretary of Defense and guy who
Hexith Secretary of Defense and guy who
will buy you a beer even if you're
will buy you a beer even if you're
underage. And also, you didn't even ask
underage And also you didn't even ask
him for beer. And also, he's just
him for beer And also he's just
drinking the beer all by himself.
drinking the beer all by himself
I'm kidding. Pete assures us he's sober,
I'm kidding Pete assures us he's sober
although he might need a drink now. Now
although he might need a drink now Now
to the intensifying controversy
to the intensifying controversy
surrounding Defense Secretary Pete Hgsth
surrounding Defense Secretary Pete Hgsth
over an alleged order to kill everyone
over an alleged order to kill everyone
on a suspected drug boat and a second
on a suspected drug boat and a second
strike that targeted survivors.
strike that targeted survivors
Lawmakers from both parties and legal
Lawmakers from both parties and legal
experts say this could be a war crime.
experts say this could be a war crime
>> Oh my god, I can't believe Pete Hexith
>> Oh my god I can't believe Pete Hexith
might be going down for war crimes. I
might be going down for war crimes I
thought for sure it'd be a hit and run
thought for sure it'd be a hit and run
while running away from another hit and
while running away from another hit and
run.
run
But don't worry, Pete's already prepared
But don't worry Pete's already prepared
for jail. He got the gang tattoos years
for jail He got the gang tattoos years
ago. Way to plan ahead, Mr. secretary.
ago Way to plan ahead Mr secretary
And one thing we know, if somebody did
And one thing we know if somebody did
something wrong, he's going to man up
something wrong he's going to man up
and take responsibility as the secretary
and take responsibility as the secretary
of war.
of war
>> Pete Hagsth put the blame for the second
>> Pete Hagsth put the blame for the second
strike squarely on his commander,
strike squarely on his commander
Admiral Mitch Bradley, saying on X, "I
Admiral Mitch Bradley saying on X I
stand by him and the combat decisions he
stand by him and the combat decisions he
has made on the September 2nd mission
has made on the September 2nd mission
and all others since."
and all others since
What a little
What a little
Blaming someone by pretending to praise
Blaming someone by pretending to praise
them. I stand by him and all the
them I stand by him and all the
decisions he made on his own while I was
decisions he made on his own while I was
out of the room. If you want to get to
out of the room If you want to get to
him, you know what? You'll have to get
him you know what You'll have to get
through me. And I will let you do that
through me And I will let you do that
as you were.
as you were
I also love how Pete's also pre-blaming
I also love how Pete's also pre-blaming
Bradley for all the other sins. And I
Bradley for all the other sins And I
also congratulate the admiral for
also congratulate the admiral for
cheating on my wife at the holiday party
cheating on my wife at the holiday party
next week.
next week
So yeah, things are starting to look a
So yeah things are starting to look a
little dicey for the Secretary of
little dicey for the Secretary of
Defensiveness. But Pete is fighting back
Defensiveness But Pete is fighting back
the way a true warrior does with memes.
the way a true warrior does with memes
The defense secretary of the United
The defense secretary of the United
States today posting this meme of it
States today posting this meme of it
Franklin the Turtle, a children's
Franklin the Turtle a children's
character, standing on the edge of a
character standing on the edge of a
helicopter firing a missile at a boat.
helicopter firing a missile at a boat
Okay. Well, this whole image is deeply
Okay Well this whole image is deeply
disturbing, especially the part where
disturbing especially the part where
the turtle is wearing a helmet. Why does
the turtle is wearing a helmet Why does
he need a helmet? His whole body is a
he need a helmet His whole body is a
helmet.
helmet
And obviously, Hex should not be using
And obviously Hex should not be using
Franklin this way. There's already
Franklin this way There's already
several turtles who famously kill people
several turtles who famously kill people
for a living. Use them.
for a living Use them
So, obviously, this story is developing
So obviously this story is developing
rapidly, but it really does show you why
rapidly but it really does show you why
it's so important to vet your cabinet
it's so important to vet your cabinet
members. If if only there were signs
members If if only there were signs
that Hegath would be so cavalier about
that Hegath would be so cavalier about
war crimes. Back in 2019, Hegathth
war crimes Back in 2019 Hegathth
reportedly spent months personally
reportedly spent months personally
lobbying Trump to pardon multiple US
lobbying Trump to pardon multiple US
service members who had been accused of
service members who had been accused of
war crimes.
war crimes
>> If he committed premeditated murder,
>> If he committed premeditated murder
then Duncan did as well. Then I did as
then Duncan did as well Then I did as
well. What do you think you do? War.
well What do you think you do War
>> Put me in jail then.
>> Put me in jail then
>> Put us all in jail.
>> Put us all in jail
>> Hey, you said it, not me. Let's begin
>> Hey you said it not me Let's begin
with President Trump. He started his
with President Trump He started his
second term in January, promising to
second term in January promising to
keep America out of foreign wars. Now
keep America out of foreign wars Now
it's December and he almost made it a
it's December and he almost made it a
year.
year
>> President Trump hinting at land strikes
>> President Trump hinting at land strikes
in Venezuela as backlash on the
in Venezuela as backlash on the
controversial boat strikes deepens.
controversial boat strikes deepens
>> We're going to start doing those strikes
>> We're going to start doing those strikes
on land, too. You know, the land is much
on land too You know the land is much
easier. It's much easier. And we know
easier It's much easier And we know
the routes they take. We know everything
the routes they take We know everything
about them. We know where they live. We
about them We know where they live We
know where the bad ones live.
know where the bad ones live
We know where they live. We know if
We know where they live We know if
they've been good or bad. What is he?
they've been good or bad What is he
Drone strike Santa.
Drone strike Santa
So yeah, Trump is launching a war on
So yeah Trump is launching a war on
narot terrorists. Which, by the way, I
narot terrorists Which by the way I
get why he calls them narot terrorists
get why he calls them narot terrorists
because Americans know how to feel about
because Americans know how to feel about
terrorists. We hate those guys. But if
terrorists We hate those guys But if
you just say it's a war on drug dealers,
you just say it's a war on drug dealers
that's a person we invited
that's a person we invited
to bring us drugs that we wanted.
to bring us drugs that we wanted
That's like if they told you to start
That's like if they told you to start
hating your Amazon delivery guy. Like
hating your Amazon delivery guy Like
that's your guy. He's bringing your
that's your guy He's bringing your
blender.
blender
But hey, this war in Venezuela just
But hey this war in Venezuela just
shows how serious Donald Trump is about
shows how serious Donald Trump is about
going after these drug traffickers. If
going after these drug traffickers If
there's even one guy on a little fishing
there's even one guy on a little fishing
boat, Trump's taking him out. So drug
boat Trump's taking him out So drug
dealers, watch your back. President
dealers watch your back President
Trump has issued a full and
Trump has issued a full and
unconditional pardon for the former
unconditional pardon for the former
president of Honduras. Juan Orlando
president of Honduras Juan Orlando
Hernandez was serving a 45-year sentence
Hernandez was serving a 45-year sentence
after he was convicted on major drug
after he was convicted on major drug
trafficking charges in the US last year.
trafficking charges in the US last year
Like I just said,
Like I just said
drug dealers, watch your back because
drug dealers watch your back because
Trump is about to give you a nice
Trump is about to give you a nice
massage.
massage
I don't even know what's crazier. That
I don't even know what's crazier That
President Trump is pardoning the
President Trump is pardoning the
president of Honduras for selling drugs
president of Honduras for selling drugs
or that the president of Honduras was
or that the president of Honduras was
selling drugs.
selling drugs
People work their whole lives just to
People work their whole lives just to
become president. So for you to get
become president So for you to get
there and say to yourself, "Now I get to
there and say to yourself Now I get to
do my dream
do my dream
is crazy. At least Walter White had a
is crazy At least Walter White had a
teacher salary.
teacher salary
You're the president and not only are
You're the president and not only are
you selling drugs, you're so bad at it,
you selling drugs you're so bad at it
you get arrested in a whole different
you get arrested in a whole different
country."
country
But maybe I'm missing something about
But maybe I'm missing something about
this pardon. Maybe he's not some
this pardon Maybe he's not some
kingpin. I mean, this is America, the
kingpin I mean this is America the
country that locks people up for years
country that locks people up for years
just because they happen to have a
just because they happen to have a
little baggie of drugs. How do we know
little baggie of drugs How do we know
this marginalized president deserved 45
this marginalized president deserved 45
years? I'm sure whatever this guy did,
years I'm sure whatever this guy did
it wasn't that bad.
it wasn't that bad
>> Juan Orlando Hernandez helped smuggle
>> Juan Orlando Hernandez helped smuggle
400 tons of cocaine into the US.
400 tons of cocaine into the US
I'm sorry. 400 tons of cocaine.
I'm sorry 400 tons of cocaine
First of all, how do you even shove all
First of all how do you even shove all
that up your ass?
that up your ass
I didn't even know you could measure
I didn't even know you could measure
cocaine in tons.
cocaine in tons
It's like if someone told you they weigh
It's like if someone told you they weigh
48° F. Like,
48° F Like
the are you talking about?
the are you talking about
400 tons of cocaine. That sounds like
400 tons of cocaine That sounds like
all the cocaine in the world.
all the cocaine in the world
Give me another unit based on not all
Give me another unit based on not all
the cocaine in the world.
the cocaine in the world
>> More than 400 tons, which is about 4.5
>> More than 400 tons which is about 45
billion individual doses of cocaine.
billion individual doses of cocaine
>> Doses.
>> Doses
Is that the term?
Is that the term
>> Hey man, I'm going to head to the
>> Hey man I'm going to head to the
bathroom and do a couple of recommended
bathroom and do a couple of recommended
serving sizes.
serving sizes
You could tell this is someone who
You could tell this is someone who
doesn't know about cocaine because you
doesn't know about cocaine because you
don't measure it in doses. You measure
don't measure it in doses You measure
it in halfwritten screenplays. All
it in halfwritten screenplays All
right?
right
That's like saying, "Hey, do you mind if
That's like saying Hey do you mind if
I get another dial up of meth?"
I get another dial up of meth
But the point is
But the point is
the point is in the middle of an active
the point is in the middle of an active
war against drug traffickers, Donald
war against drug traffickers Donald
Trump has pardoned a man who smuggled in
Trump has pardoned a man who smuggled in
enough cocaine to give every American
enough cocaine to give every American
resting cash patell face.
resting cash patell face
It's confusing to say the least, but if
It's confusing to say the least but if
I know Donald Trump, he'll have a very
I know Donald Trump he'll have a very
coherent and wellthoughtout explanation
coherent and wellthoughtout explanation
for this pardon.
for this pardon
>> You've made so clear how you want to
>> You've made so clear how you want to
keep drugs out of the US. Can you
keep drugs out of the US Can you
explain more about why you would pardon
explain more about why you would pardon
a notorious drug trafficker?
a notorious drug trafficker
>> Well, I don't know who you're talking
>> Well I don't know who you're talking
about.
about
You know you've been pardoning too many
You know you've been pardoning too many
people when you're like, "I'm sorry.
people when you're like I'm sorry
Which notorious drug lord are we talking
Which notorious drug lord are we talking
about? At least give me the first letter
about At least give me the first letter
or we'll be here all night." It's wild
or we'll be here all night It's wild
how Trump always talks to the media like
how Trump always talks to the media like
he's in court. He's like, "I don't know
he's in court He's like I don't know
who you're talking about. I wasn't
who you're talking about I wasn't
there. I'm not even here."
there I'm not even here
But after they reminded Trump who this
But after they reminded Trump who this
guy was, he did have some semblance of
guy was he did have some semblance of
an explanation.
an explanation
>> Well, you take a look. I mean, they
>> Well you take a look I mean they
could say that uh you take any country
could say that uh you take any country
you want. If somebody sells drugs in
you want If somebody sells drugs in
that country, that doesn't mean you
that country that doesn't mean you
arrest the president and put him in jail
arrest the president and put him in jail
for the rest of his life. And that
for the rest of his life And that
includes this country. Okay? To be
includes this country Okay To be
honest, I mean, if somebody does
honest I mean if somebody does
something wrong, do you put the
something wrong do you put the
president of the country in jail?
president of the country in jail
Clearly Trump is worried about a
Clearly Trump is worried about a
slippery slope here. It's like it's like
slippery slope here It's like it's like
that classic poem, first they came for
that classic poem first they came for
the wildly corrupt presidents and I said
the wildly corrupt presidents and I said
nothing because that would be admissible
nothing because that would be admissible
in court.
in court
But I'll be honest, I don't think Trump
But I'll be honest I don't think Trump
pardoned another president so that he
pardoned another president so that he
could get pardoned later. That's just
could get pardoned later That's just
too smart for Trump. It It's like seeing
too smart for Trump It It's like seeing
a monkey draw a cube. There's no way he
a monkey draw a cube There's no way he
knew that's what he was drawing.
knew that's what he was drawing
There had to be another dumber reason
There had to be another dumber reason
why Trump pardoned Hernandez.
why Trump pardoned Hernandez
>> The ex-president of Honduras wrote a
>> The ex-president of Honduras wrote a
letter to President Trump back in
letter to President Trump back in
October calling Trump your excellency
October calling Trump your excellency
and praising Trump's resilience in what
and praising Trump's resilience in what
he called the face of political
he called the face of political
persecution. Writing in part, just as
persecution Writing in part just as
you, President Trump, I have suffered
you President Trump I have suffered
political persecution targeted by the
political persecution targeted by the
Biden Harris administration.
Biden Harris administration
>> It was that easy.
>> It was that easy
All you have to do is write Trump a
All you have to do is write Trump a
letter saying that Biden framed you for
letter saying that Biden framed you for
something you definitely did, had a
something you definitely did had a
trial for, and were convicted of. You
trial for and were convicted of You
are the most did it.
are the most did it
Cuz if it really is that easy, you know
Cuz if it really is that easy you know
what this means?
what this means
I don't think Diddy can read or write.
I don't think Diddy can read or write
We are just two weeks away from the
We are just two weeks away from the
deadline for the DOJ to release the
deadline for the DOJ to release the
Epstein files. And Pam Bondi, if you're
Epstein files And Pam Bondi if you're
listening, it's still not too late to
listening it's still not too late to
release them advent calendar style. You
release them advent calendar style You
know,
know
let's see. December 4th. Okay. What's in
let's see December 4th Okay What's in
it today? Oh, Bill Clinton. Huh.
it today Oh Bill Clinton Huh
In the meantime, House Democrats
In the meantime House Democrats
continue to release their own Epstein
continue to release their own Epstein
documents. So, what's in this latest
documents So what's in this latest
drop? Is it emails? Maybe a bank
drop Is it emails Maybe a bank
records? We're seeing new images of the
records We're seeing new images of the
notorious Caribbean estate dubbed
notorious Caribbean estate dubbed
Epstein Island. Democrats on the House
Epstein Island Democrats on the House
Oversight Committee releasing more than
Oversight Committee releasing more than
150 photos and videos of the sprawling
150 photos and videos of the sprawling
mansion. Videos of the pool area,
mansion Videos of the pool area
bedrooms, and bathrooms. There were also
bedrooms and bathrooms There were also
framed photos of the financier and his
framed photos of the financier and his
partner Galain Maxwell, like this one
partner Galain Maxwell like this one
with the late Pope John Paul II.
with the late Pope John Paul II
Wow.
Wow
Wow. I can't believe it. The face of the
Wow I can't believe it The face of the
world's most notorious pedophile ring
world's most notorious pedophile ring
got to meet Jeffrey Epstein.
got to meet Jeffrey Epstein
Wow.
Wow
Wow.
Wow
Amazing.
Amazing
That's the most game recognized game
That's the most game recognized game
photo I've ever seen.
photo I've ever seen
Fun fact, do you know who took that
Fun fact do you know who took that
photo? Bill Cosby. Interesting.
photo Bill Cosby Interesting
Now, this release doesn't contain any
Now this release doesn't contain any
major bombshells, but we did learn one
major bombshells but we did learn one
new thing. Epstein Island look like
new thing Epstein Island look like
How does a billionaire's private island
How does a billionaire's private island
look like a twostar Airbnb? I'm not even
look like a twostar Airbnb I'm not even
talking about the sex rooms. The common
talking about the sex rooms The common
spaces are even worse.
spaces are even worse
>> Images show a room that appears to be
>> Images show a room that appears to be
used as a library with four armchairs
used as a library with four armchairs
and a chalkboard with scribbled words.
and a chalkboard with scribbled words
>> What the is that layout?
>> What the is that layout
Look, I know the sex crimes are the main
Look I know the sex crimes are the main
story, but I cannot remain silent about
story but I cannot remain silent about
this furniture placement. Who places
this furniture placement Who places
four lazy boys that close together? Come
four lazy boys that close together Come
on, BOYS. COME TO MY LIBRARY. WE CAN
on BOYS COME TO MY LIBRARY WE CAN
SMOKE cigars and rub knees together. I
SMOKE cigars and rub knees together I
mean, what happens if all four of you
mean what happens if all four of you
decide to recline AT ONCE? IT'S CHAOS.
decide to recline AT ONCE IT'S CHAOS
This man is sick. You You don't want to
This man is sick You You don't want to
throw a table IN THE MIDDLE AT LEAST? I
throw a table IN THE MIDDLE AT LEAST I
know it's a sex compound, but what if a
know it's a sex compound but what if a
couple of guys want to do a puzzle while
couple of guys want to do a puzzle while
their fluids replenish? You know,
their fluids replenish You know
Jeffrey, JEFFREY, JEFFREY, COME ON. YOU
Jeffrey JEFFREY JEFFREY COME ON YOU
HAVE ALL THE MONEY IN THE WORLD, but you
HAVE ALL THE MONEY IN THE WORLD but you
don't have one pal who gets a Herman
don't have one pal who gets a Herman
Miller catalog.
Miller catalog
THE PEDOPHILE BILLIONAIRE COULDN'T FIND
THE PEDOPHILE BILLIONAIRE COULDN'T FIND
ONE PEDOPHILE DECORATOR TO HELP OUT
ONE PEDOPHILE DECORATOR TO HELP OUT
HERE. And look, and don't say it was
HERE And look and don't say it was
Galileain's job to decorate because
Galileain's job to decorate because
that's sexist. She was a working
that's sexist She was a working
professional who was very busy with her
professional who was very busy with her
own sex trafficking career. And that
own sex trafficking career And that
wasn't even the only eyesore in the
wasn't even the only eyesore in the
room.
room
>> Another image shows a blackboard in his
>> Another image shows a blackboard in his
study. There are the words power,
study There are the words power
deception, plots.
deception plots
>> What are they brainstorming? Evil plans.
>> What are they brainstorming Evil plans
What do we got? We got power, deception.
What do we got We got power deception
What else? Come on. We're an evil cabal
What else Come on We're an evil cabal
here, people. No bad ideas, plots. Okay.
here people No bad ideas plots Okay
Kind of the same thing, but all right.
Kind of the same thing but all right
And then I guess there's one guy who
And then I guess there's one guy who
threw out music.
threw out music
Not really on the same page, but okay,
Not really on the same page but okay
Diddy, thank you for contributing to it.
Diddy thank you for contributing to it
>> Please tell me there was one room that
>> Please tell me there was one room that
didn't feel like a sad dad riddle. The
didn't feel like a sad dad riddle The
pictures revealing a room with a dentist
pictures revealing a room with a dentist
chair and masks along the wall.
chair and masks along the wall
>> Masks of men's faces on the walls and
>> Masks of men's faces on the walls and
what may be one of the most unnerving
what may be one of the most unnerving
images that we saw today.
images that we saw today
>> Nice choice.
>> Nice choice
I myself am a little squeamish about
I myself am a little squeamish about
going to the dentist, but if there's one
going to the dentist but if there's one
thing that puts me at ease, it's haunted
thing that puts me at ease it's haunted
orgy masks.
orgy masks
But this is the problem with being a
But this is the problem with being a
pedophile.
pedophile
This is a problem with being
This is a problem with being
a pedophile.
a pedophile
Everything you do suddenly seems creepy.
Everything you do suddenly seems creepy
But this is actually one of those things
But this is actually one of those things
that has an explanation. a dentist
that has an explanation a dentist
chair, which a source tells CBS News was
chair which a source tells CBS News was
put in for one of Epstein's girlfriends,
put in for one of Epstein's girlfriends
a European studying to be a dentist.
a European studying to be a dentist
Wait. Okay. All right. I I thought this
Wait Okay All right I I thought this
was a weird sex thing, but they're
was a weird sex thing but they're
actually doing dentistry here. That is
actually doing dentistry here That is
somehow way worse.
somehow way worse
Imagine being the one guy on the flight
Imagine being the one guy on the flight
to Epstein Island who is only going for
to Epstein Island who is only going for
a tooth cleaning.
a tooth cleaning
Honey, honey, Prince Andrew goes to the
Honey honey Prince Andrew goes to the
same dentist as me.
same dentist as me
She must be a really good dentist.
She must be a really good dentist
You know what? Enough of that. Enough.
You know what Enough of that Enough
Move on. Move on to that drunk raccoon
Move on Move on to that drunk raccoon
who's going viral for all the chaos he
who's going viral for all the chaos he
caused. Defense Secretary Pete Hex.
caused Defense Secretary Pete Hex
This poor guy has spent all week dodging
This poor guy has spent all week dodging
accusations of war crimes just because
accusations of war crimes just because
he might have committed war crimes. And
he might have committed war crimes And
now he's got this to deal with. A new
now he's got this to deal with A new
Pentagon inspector general's report
Pentagon inspector general's report
found he put US service members at risk
found he put US service members at risk
by sharing sensitive details of an
by sharing sensitive details of an
active bombing mission in Yemen in March
active bombing mission in Yemen in March
in a signal group chat with other top
in a signal group chat with other top
officials which mistakenly included a
officials which mistakenly included a
journalist. Hegs denied wrongdoing when
journalist Hegs denied wrongdoing when
the story broke this past spring.
the story broke this past spring
>> Nobody was texting war plans.
>> Nobody was texting war plans
>> Oh, okay. Okay, buddy. No need to be
>> Oh okay Okay buddy No need to be
that close to me. We're not sitting in
that close to me We're not sitting in
Epste armchairs right now. Okay,
Epste armchairs right now Okay
no one's saying you were texting war
no one's saying you were texting war
plans. Remind me what did you text?
plans Remind me what did you text
>> He detailed the times F-18s would launch
>> He detailed the times F-18s would launch
and quote when the first bombs will
and quote when the first bombs will
definitely drop.
definitely drop
>> Okay, kind of sounds like you were
>> Okay kind of sounds like you were
texting war plans. In fact, texting
texting war plans In fact texting
those words makes the iPhone send little
those words makes the iPhone send little
bomber jets across the screens.
bomber jets across the screens
Regardless, an investigation couldn't
Regardless an investigation couldn't
hurt. Pete, I assume you would be happy
hurt Pete I assume you would be happy
to cooperate.
to cooperate
>> Hegath refused an interview request,
>> Hegath refused an interview request
would not turn over his phone, and
would not turn over his phone and
handed over only a couple of
handed over only a couple of
screenshots.
screenshots
>> Oh. Oh, you know, that sounds innocent
>> Oh Oh you know that sounds innocent
to me. I have Look, I have nothing to
to me I have Look I have nothing to
hide. See, THERE'S MY PHONE. SEE, it's
hide See THERE'S MY PHONE SEE it's
right there.
right there
Clearly, clearly clearly there are a lot
Clearly clearly clearly there are a lot
of outstanding questions at the Defense
of outstanding questions at the Defense
Department that investigative reporters
Department that investigative reporters
could get to the bottom of.
could get to the bottom of
Unfortunately, last month they banned
Unfortunately last month they banned
any journalists who didn't agree to only
any journalists who didn't agree to only
publish what the government allowed them
publish what the government allowed them
to publish. But don't worry, because the
to publish But don't worry because the
DoD just welcomed in a new crop of
DoD just welcomed in a new crop of
approved journalists. Let's see who the
approved journalists Let's see who the
new fresh faces are.
new fresh faces are
>> We're welcoming new media outlets that
>> We're welcoming new media outlets that
actually reach Americans, ask real
actually reach Americans ask real
questions, and don't pursue a biased
questions and don't pursue a biased
agenda. Yes, Matt
agenda Yes Matt
>> Kingsley. If uh Nicholas Maduro leaves
>> Kingsley If uh Nicholas Maduro leaves
Venezuela today, what role will the
Venezuela today what role will the
Department of War have in a post Maduro
Department of War have in a post Maduro
Venezuela?
Venezuela
MATT GATES IS A REPORTER NOW.
MATT GATES IS A REPORTER NOW
This feels like when you're watching an
This feels like when you're watching an
episode of Law and Order and you're
episode of Law and Order and you're
like, "Wait a second, that grieving
like Wait a second that grieving
father played a defense lawyer three
father played a defense lawyer three
seasons ago."
seasons ago
Yes, the entire Pentagon press corps has
Yes the entire Pentagon press corps has
been replaced by MAGA personalities. You
been replaced by MAGA personalities You
got Matt Gates, Laura Loomer, James
got Matt Gates Laura Loomer James
O'Keefe, Jack Pobic. And if you know who
O'Keefe Jack Pobic And if you know who
all these people are, I am begging you,
all these people are I am begging you
please get offline.
please get offline
Touch grass or snow or or whatever,
Touch grass or snow or or whatever
a little bit of moss, whatever's
a little bit of moss whatever's
whatever is lying on the ground outside
whatever is lying on the ground outside
right now. Dog really. Anything.
right now Dog really Anything
Anything would be better. Go touch it.
Anything would be better Go touch it
Although those are just the big names,
Although those are just the big names
let's meet some of the newer people
let's meet some of the newer people
whose personality disorders we just
whose personality disorders we just
haven't discovered yet.
haven't discovered yet
>> Brandon Meyer, Tim Cass Media here at
>> Brandon Meyer Tim Cass Media here at
the Pentagon, uh, hanging out in the,
the Pentagon uh hanging out in the
uh, Department of Board briefing room.
uh Department of Board briefing room
And, uh, I am here with Lance. Lance,
And uh I am here with Lance Lance
who are you? You.
who are you You
>> So, I used to be a Tik Tocker back in
>> So I used to be a Tik Tocker back in
the day before I got banned at 150,000
the day before I got banned at 150000
followers.
followers
>> Okay,
>> Okay
I'm just going to put down didn't attend
I'm just going to put down didn't attend
journalism school. Cool.
journalism school Cool
I'm But I'm I will say I'm I am
I'm But I'm I will say I'm I am
confused. I'm confused. If you guys are
confused I'm confused If you guys are
at the Pentagon, then who's vaping in
at the Pentagon then who's vaping in
your mom's basement? Like, how does this
your mom's basement Like how does this
work?
work
>> But hey, you know what? Maybe this kid
>> But hey you know what Maybe this kid
is more impressive than he looks. I
is more impressive than he looks I
mean, he did get banned from TikTok, I
mean he did get banned from TikTok I
assume, for uh speaking truth to power.
assume for uh speaking truth to power
where I got banned at 150,000 followers
where I got banned at 150000 followers
um for basically saying I don't and
um for basically saying I don't and
would never have sex with a transgender.
would never have sex with a transgender
>> Oh, was that a BIG PROBLEM FOR YOU,
>> Oh was that a BIG PROBLEM FOR YOU
BUDDY?
BUDDY
Lots of people, all different genders
Lots of people all different genders
just breaking down the door for a chance
just breaking down the door for a chance
to ride that Lance train. Is that what's
to ride that Lance train Is that what's
going on?
going on
>> Look, all I can say is that you, sir,
>> Look all I can say is that you sir
are no Wolf Blitzer.
are no Wolf Blitzer
That dude will anyone. But
That dude will anyone But
enough about the War Department. Enough.
enough about the War Department Enough
Let's move on to the US Institute of
Let's move on to the US Institute of
Peace. You may remember it was once the
Peace You may remember it was once the
first one of the first agencies
first one of the first agencies
President Trump tried to shut down when
President Trump tried to shut down when
he took office in January. But now it
he took office in January But now it
looks like he's had a change of heart.
looks like he's had a change of heart
And wall.
And wall
>> The US Institute of Peace now has a new
>> The US Institute of Peace now has a new
name, the Donald J. Trump Institute of
name the Donald J Trump Institute of
Peace.
Peace
>> Wonderful. Wonderful. The Donald J.
>> Wonderful Wonderful The Donald J
Trump Institute of Peace. I look forward
Trump Institute of Peace I look forward
to seeing it alongside the Benjamin
to seeing it alongside the Benjamin
Netanyahu Bureau of Urban Planning and
Netanyahu Bureau of Urban Planning and
the RFK Jr. School for Singing.
the RFK Jr School for Singing
But
But
the renaming,
the renaming
keep an eye out for it. Keep an eye out.
keep an eye out for it Keep an eye out
The renaming happened on the occasion of
The renaming happened on the occasion of
Donald Trump attending a peace ceremony
Donald Trump attending a peace ceremony
between Rwanda and Congo where we got to
between Rwanda and Congo where we got to
experience one of the most beautiful
experience one of the most beautiful
moments known to man. Donald Trump
moments known to man Donald Trump
trying to pronounce an African leader
trying to pronounce an African leader
name. I want to thank the two courageous
name I want to thank the two courageous
leaders. They are courageous leaders.
leaders They are courageous leaders
They really are courageous leaders.
They really are courageous leaders
Great people.
Great people
President
President
Jakis
Jakis
You really just went for it, right?
You really just went for it right
Yeah. Like a driver plowing over the
Yeah Like a driver plowing over the
school's own speed bumps at 90 mph.
school's own speed bumps at 90 mph
Boom. I love how he pauses and lets
Boom I love how he pauses and lets
people say, "Oh, no."
people say Oh no
Right before pronouncing the name. This
Right before pronouncing the name This
guy is a dummy. Everyone knows that
guy is a dummy Everyone knows that
leader's name is
leader's name is
Sh.
Sh
you guys. I'm not president. Okay,
you guys I'm not president Okay
give me a break.
give me a break
- Pause

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